Dirty place
It takes them three days to find Chuck, and only after they are joined by Jack, Chuck's horrible uncle (as Serena dubs him within five minutes of meeting him). Jack finds him in a seedy bar, half passed out, surrounded by a pack of women for whom the term "prostitute" would probably be a compliment and a step up on the career-ladder.
"Just in time for the funeral" Jack notes, pulling up his nephew by the neck of his shirt and leads him outside. "Home we go."
Blair follows worriedly. She has been more anxious about what might happen after they find Chuck than actually finding him. Chuck had always been a weakness for her; they're so much alike that it's almost impossible for her to resist him when he comes at her.
She sighs a little as she looks at him, being frog-marched by Jack and their driver to the car. He doesn't look like he even recognizes her.
They manage to make it on time to the funeral, somehow. Chuck is completely wasted and Blair has been scolding Jack the whole way to the church for giving him liqueur.
"It was the only way he was going to cooperate" Jack defends himself with an easy smile that makes Blair want to push him out of the car on the highway. He's such a douche, she decides (and she doesn't use that word frivolous). He has propositioned her several times and although she was tempted when he asked her a day she was extremely depressed, she has stayed clear of that enormous bear-trap of a character flaw!
These days have been hard on her, though, and she hasn't felt this lonely since Serena suddenly just left one day for boarding school. Carter hasn't called once, and he didn't pick up the two times she called him. It hurts, but somewhere, deep in her heart, she understands. He begged her not to go, telling her she wasn't Chuck's guardian and that he should be able to take care of himself. And Blair knows it's all true, but it doesn't change her mind. She knows the real reason Carter is so upset; he's afraid she'll do something stupid. Blair leans her head against the car window for a moment as Chuck falls out of the car, much to the amusement of Jack. She's afraid she'll do something stupid as well.
After the funeral they all go to the Plaza. Lily, ever the graceful hostess, has everything decorated in black and looks appropriately serene in her Chanel funeral-suit. Eric and Serena looks sad as well, which Blair thinks is mostly for show; they barely knew Bart and more than once did Serena do something just to upset him. Blair didn't really know Bart either; she figures no one really did, but she hates him anyway because of the way he treated Chuck.
She finds him in his old room, lying on the bed. With a sigh she sits down next to him. It's so easy for her to read his face; sorrow, anger, guilt, resentment. The major emotions that has always been Chuck's faithful companion, they're all there on his face.
"Chuck, you're not your father" Blair tells him, gently sweeping some stray hair out of his eyes. "And that's a good thing! I know it's wrong to speak ill of the dead, but your dad was horrible. He was cruel and emotional stunted and he expected more than humanly possible from you!"
"Maybe I'm exactly like that" he says hoarsely, not looking at her.
"Never" she whispers into his hair. "You're so much better than he will ever be."
"Why are you here" he asks.
"Because you need me."
"I did so many things to you. Because I could…"
"It doesn't matter now" she says gently. And it doesn't, not anymore. She's not angry or resentful of either him or Nate anymore. Living in France has been so good for her and meeting Carter… She stops herself and pushes that certain strain of thought to the back of her mind. She can't think of Carter right now. Everything is still so confused between them and now is not about her.
"Will you stay" he asks, finally looking at her.
She's already feeling bad, but when he takes her hand and slowly pulls her towards him with pleading eyes, it's enough for her to surrender herself and give him the comfort he craves.
She lies awake afterwards, feeling even worse. When she's sure Chuck is asleep, she gets up, finds the nearest bathroom and throws up. She doesn't know what time of the day or night it is, doesn't know if there's still a wake going on or where everyone is, and it doesn't really matter. She's really messed everything up this time. She flies back to France the next morning, without explaining anything to Chuck, Serena or Nate.
Harold is waiting for her at the airport, a big smile in place. If possible, she feels even worse. Her father is always so willing to think the best of her, when he should actually think the very worst.
"How was New York" he asks and takes her bag.
"Okay" she just mutters, following him.
"Carter stopped by a few times" Harold tells her as they walk down to find the car. "I've offered him an internship at my firm."
"Oh?" Blair wishes she could just stop thinking about Carter altogether. It's not like he's her boyfriend or anything. It angers her that he's somehow managed to squeeze his way into his life and make her feel things she doesn't want to feel.
Harold opens the door for her. "Well, he's a very talented boy and I think an internship over the summer might help him decide what direction he's going with his law degree." Blair just nods as her father sits down in the seat beside her. "I'm very happy you two met. He seems to be good for you."
"I'm really tired" Blair say in an almost whisper, effectively stopping the conversation.
Blair wants to avoid Carter for as long as possible, and he seems oddly content to let her, but in the end the guilt threatens to eat her up and both Harold and Roman have noticed the dark circles under her eyes. She calls him a week after having arrived back at the vineyard, but he doesn't pick up and she ends up asking his answering machine to meet her at Cafés Verlet that Friday at noon. She doesn't want to go school so it seems better to just see him.
He slides into a chair opposite her a few seconds past twelve, looking tired but otherwise impeccable. It such a dramatic change from state of Chuck and she ponders about the two great C's in her life; Chuck, who have always been so lost in life and needs her like a drowning man needs a line. They're so much alike, her and Chuck, with their enormous talent for lies, deceit and general destruction, and for a moment there, they had something truly magnificent, until Chuck ruined it. Carter, on the other hand, doesn't need her like Chuck does. Carter has lived more in his twenty-one years of life than most people do in an entire lifetime. He's seen the world, done horrible things, been so lost and yet found his way back to life and moved on like a grown up. He's a more complete person than Chuck, Blair thinks, but complete doesn't necessary mean better.
"You called" he notes.
"Yes…"
They sit opposite each other for a short while, neither willing to open the conversation. A waitress walks by them, putting down the two cups of coffee Blair ordered before he showed up.
"I slept with Chuck." It's like the words fly out of her mouth on their own accord.
Carter raises an eyebrow at her and his hand and the coffee cup stops somewhere midway between the table and his mouth. "I'm pretty sure I didn't ask."
"Now you know."
The left side of his upper lip curls a little. "Yes, now I know."
Blair looks at her coffee but she doesn't want it anymore. "He needed me."
"He always does, somehow." He might as well have hit her over the head with a chair.
Blair backgears into Blair-mode and snaps back: "Well, it wasn't like we were anything serious. We never talked about it." It sounds sort of petty, even to her, because they were real, even though they never voiced it. It was more real than anything Blair has ever experienced.
The lip curls even more, forming an almost-smile now. "That's funny" he mutters, staring at the cup that's still stuck somewhere between his mouth and the table. "Because I just thought we didn't need to talk about it, because we were serious." She bites her lip and looks away. "I guess I was wrong."
"I guess so" she clips, but it sounds more pathetic than final.
"I think you should leave now" he says slowly, after a few more moments of awkward silence.
Blair contemplates this. She hasn't said half of the things she planned to tell him (like how sorry she was, that it didn't mean anything, although that's a lie, and that she wants him, only him). If she leaves now, she'll never be able to say those things. So she stays.
Carter sighs and finally put down the cup. "Alright, I'll leave then." He stands up, looking down at her (Blair thinks this is cruelly symbolic) and she notes how worn out he looks all of the sudden. Tired and hurt, she thinks. Just like she is. "You take care, Blair."
Blair stays in France only long enough to finish her semester and then leaves on the first flight out. She hasn't told Harold or Roman anything, but they guess that something happened in New York and when Carter abruptly stops coming by when she returns, there's no doubt that something happened. Harold tries to talk to her about it, but Blair is reluctant and in the end he leaves it alone. She overhears a conversation he has with Eleanor about her where they agree it would be best for her to return home to New York. Blair couldn't agree more.
Everything about France suddenly reminds her of Carter and it hurts more than she's willing to admit, which only makes everything much more painful. Because she never really admitted how much she liked him, maybe even loved him, and now it hits her like a house flying in from Kansas. It hurts so much she sometimes think her heart might just stop beating.
New York is the same, really, so she stays in bed for days on end (it's not like she has anywhere to be anyway), hiding from the world and her emotions. She hasn't told anyone she's back home, although she's pretty sure Gossip Girl has already made sure all the right (or wrong, depending on how you look at it) people know.
"Blair, don't you think you've had quite enough of this moping now" Eleanor asks in her sharp usual tone on the third day.
Blair doesn't respond, just reaches out and takes a sensitive sip of the juice Eleanor brought with her before lying down again.
"You look like a homeless person!"
"Okay" Blair just mutters, staring at the wall. She hardly cares about her appearances; who's going to see her lying in her bed anyway?
"Is this about that Carter boy" Eleanor finally asks exasperated and Blair have to close her eyes for a moment to stop the tears.
"Carter who" she just say, willing her heart to beat again.
Eleanor gives up and Blair continues to just lie in bed, staring at the wall. She has no idea how long this goes on, it feels like a year or more, and then suddenly she can hear her mother's voice outside.
"Thank god you're here. Maybe you can figure out what's going on."
"I'll do my best, Eleanor" a warm voice promises and before Blair knows it, she enveloped in Serena's flowery perfume as her best friend lays down next to her on the bed, wrapping an arm around her. "What happened?"
"We broke up" Blair says. She can't lie to Serena, even though she thinks her lungs might collapse as she says the words.
"I'm sorry" Serena just says. No judgment, no reprimands, and Blair finally cries.
A/N: I'm completely screwing with the show's timeline, but I hope you'll forgive me. More to come soon. In the meantime, review and make me happy.