Disclaimer: Twilight and all related characters are owned by Stephanie Meyers.

A/N: While not graphic this chapter does include the rape of Bella and the murder of young children. If you do not feel comfortable reading those scenes (they are small) I will be more than happy to pm you an edited version if you'd like. Thank you-Bob

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I woke up and went out for a run. I did the same thing I did yesterday; ran the mile or so to the coffee place and then just walked back home. I wasn't really looking for a workout; I just wanted to get the blood flowing.

After taking a quick shower I jumped into the rental to get on the road. Before I made my way back up to the Olympic Lodge, I had to make one stop.

The cemetery.

I parked the rental and headed over to Charlie's grave. I was surprised to see a rather fresh bouquet of lilies next to the headstone. I wonder who could have left them.

I knelt next to the grave. "Hi, dad. Hi, mom. Sorry I haven't visited. I know I'm a horrible daughter. At least somebody else took up the slack and put flowers on your grave. I want to be that daughter, but I can't. I don't know why, but I just can't."

"I miss you guys so much. Especially since I never got to say goodbye to you, dad. That still eats away at me. At least with mom I got to say it and be there for her. I couldn't be there with you. I abandoned you because of my own stupid problems; I couldn't handle being in Forks anymore. I left you and you died. All because I couldn't face Edward."

"It's sad that the two times I've come here to visit since your death it's only to beg your forgiveness. Forgiveness I don't deserve, but something I desperately yearn for. I still haven't said goodbye yet. I haven't even really cried for you yet. You've been gone ten years and I never mourned for you properly. I just keep asking you for the one thing I don't deserve. Absolution."

I leaned over and kissed both their names, then stood up. "I love you both. I just wish I could have been a better daughter. You deserved so much better than me. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."

I got into the car and leaned my head back on to the headrest. When did everything go so fucking wrong?

The memories started to creep in. I tried to stop them, but they kept coming.

I remembered sitting on my bunk shaking in rage at being turned down for emergency leave. They told me I was too important to the mission. The contact would only deal with me. I still had not even processed the fact that my dad was dead. I hadn't even cried yet and they wanted me on a mission? That was insane.

The next day I went to meet the contact, clothed properly and wearing a hijab to blend in. I should have never been sent on that mission. The news of Charlie's death had me so rattled I missed the warning signs and walked right into a trap. The reason they wanted me there was that they wanted a female soldier as a hostage. They snatched me before my back-up team even had a chance to move.

For three days I was beaten and raped by the leader of this particular cell. On the fourth day a SpecOps team came in and rescued me. Unfortunately the bastard who raped me wasn't there at the time so he survived the raid.

While in the hospital I was visited by a CIA case officer I had worked with before who went by the name of Jim Rollins. He told me that they found my attacker and were going to go 'deal' with him. He asked me if I wanted to come, but warned me that it was going to be a black bag op. That meant somebody was going to meet Allah and it wasn't going to be pretty.

I jumped at the chance. I was teeming with anger and hatred. The bastard had to pay.

Four hours later I was standing in the living room of my rapist staring at him, his wife, two sons, and a daughter tied to chairs. Rollins beat on him for awhile and when he couldn't get the answers he wanted he threatened to kill the family, starting with the oldest son, the pride of a Muslim household. He gave him an answer but it wasn't the one Rollins wanted to hear.

He shot the boy in the head. He couldn't have been more than twelve.

He went over to the next son and asked the question again. This time he gave the right answer.

Rollins shot the boy anyway. He then shot the wife and daughter. He then told the now screaming man that that was what happened if you raped an American soldier

Rollins then handed the gun to me and told me to kill him. Without hesitation I raised the weapon and emptied it into his head and chest.

For the entire ride back to base I was just numb, I didn't feel a thing. Then I got back to my bunk and saw the Red Cross message about Charlie again. That's when I started to cry.

I really didn't know what I was really crying over. Yes, part of it was Charlie, but most of it was the shooting. It wasn't that I killed him; he deserved it. The thing was that I had no emotion at all when I did it. I wasn't scared, nervous, anything. I didn't even feel any of the hate I'd had before. Killing him just seemed like the natural thing to do.

That was the thing that upset me the most. It was so easy to do.

And after I shot Charlie's killer it just got even easier.

The thing that upsets me now is I don't get upset over how easy it is anymore. I haven't shed a single tear since that day in Iraq.

Not even over my parent's grave.

Looking at what I had become, who was I to ask forgiveness? I didn't deserve anything… from anyone. Especially the two most important people in my life.

I deserved nothing because I gave nothing. I only took. What kind of monster was I?

I pulled away from the cemetery and headed towards Port Angeles.

The hour ride did nothing for the mood I was in. My self-pity had turned into anger, which was no surprise. Anger seemed to be the only emotion I could show.

As I pulled into the lodge's parking lot I called Jess. I wanted to make sure I didn't walk in on anything. I didn't want to lash out at them.

At least not for the fucking thing. We were in a high stress, very insular business. They needed an outlet. I was sure I'd probably find something else to bitch at them about.

I walk in the door and headed to the table where they had files and maps spread out. I stayed focused and was all business. "So what did you guys find out?"

Mike handed me a pile of pictures. I was guessing they were of Edward's house. It was a huge Victorian with a wraparound porch. It was gorgeous. "This is Boo-Boo Kitty's house." He gave me a sly smile. "Very funny using that as a codename, by the way. Anyway, this guy likes his security. He has cameras and motion sensors on the house, along the drive, and it looked like he had some in the wood line around the house. Real hardcore. With that stuff on the outside, I bet he's got a state-of-the-art system wired up in the house. Probably more cameras in there as well. It won't be an easy nut to crack if we have to do a surreptitious entry."

"See if you can find out what type of system he's got. That way we can at least know what we're up against. What have you got Jess?"

"Well, I ran into Mr. Kitty and let me just say he's scrumptious."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Isn't he though? He's got an ass you could just…"

"Á-hem. If you ladies don't mind, I'd like to keep this focused on the mission." He seemed a little miffed. Ol' Mikey was the jealous type.

Jess blushed a little. "Sorry, Mike. Anyway, I ran into him at coffee shop and I got some scoop from the counter girl. He's never been married, doesn't have a girlfriend anyone knows about, making some people think he's gay, and he lives in that beautiful house all by his lonesome. I also found out he drives a 2000 silver Volvo."

I couldn't help but let a little smile cross my face. We made a lot of fond memories in that car. "Okay, that was great work guys. Mike, tonight take a walk in the woods and get a better look at what we're against security-wise. Jess; see if you can dig up plans for the security system that's in the house online. They had to have filed plans to get a permit. Also, see if you can find a floor plan to house as well."

I looked at my watch. "I should probably head back and start to get ready for tonight." Mentally as well as get dolled up. Awkward wasn't even going to describe tonight.

As I was headed out of the room, Mike called after me. "Oh, and the hole in the condom voice-mail? Not funny at all."

I couldn't help but laugh. "I thought it was hilarious."

I put on some Vivaldi as I headed back to Forks. The wonderful soothing strings combined with the majesty of the temperate rain forest that surrounded me transported me to another world. I was almost ready to face Edward tonight.

Almost.

I was still little nervous. I mean, who wouldn't be? This was the guy who took my virginity and then threw me away. Ok, it was almost a year later when he dumped me but that's how it felt to me. What can I say? I have issues.

I pulled up to the house and headed up to my old room to see what I was going to wear. I still couldn't bring myself to look at Charlie's room.

A half hour later I had it down to black slacks with a lacey black blouse with Louboutin fuck-me pumps or a red mini with Manolo ankle boots with stiletto heels. I think I'll go with the slacks. Don't want to go too slutty. Might give the guy the wrong idea. I wanted to get close, but not that close.

I French braided my hair and did my make-up. I put on the outfit I had picked out and if I did say so myself, I looked pretty damn good.

On the drive over to the Mill Creek Bar and Grille my nervousness started to creep back in. Was I going to be able to handle this? Would I lose my cool like I did in the grocery store? Would I kill him in front of a room full of witnesses?

It was anybody's guess. Who knew what the night may bring. God only knows…

And she's not telling.