"You're cordially invited, bitch!"
"What happened to you two?" Sal's eyebrows shoot up as he looks both me and Axton up and down, taking in all the gore clinging to our clothes, hair and skin...
We've just rejoined near Meltwater Crossing where we're supposed to place the two rockets Tina prepared, and judging by the satisfied smirk on Sal's face as they approached us, they've finished their part of the missions as well...
"Tea party," I manage to mumble while I still head straight ahead towards the inviting water, Axton following silently behind me.
My shoes instantly get soaked in the cold water as I wade ahead but I simply can't bring myself to care – and hearing the splash next to me, neither does Axton. Not daring to talk in fear of getting some of the blood covering our faces in our mouths, we duck down into the water and clean ourselves in silence.
Giving a shrug to Zero waiting next to him, Sal turns around to us while we frantically scrub at the stains, trying to ignore the freezing cold surrounding us. "Make sure to take me along for the next one... Looks like you two had some fun..."
I shoot him a cold glare as I silently wade back to them, pulling myself onto the ice- and snow-covered shore where I remain lying on my back for a few more seconds, closing my eyes and hoping the sun will dry my clothes and hair before- great, now my teeth are clattering too... Why can't we go somewhere nice and warm for a change?
"Come on, cheer up, I even brought you a souvenir from our little trip to the Varkid farm..." Sal grins mischievously as he produces a still dripping Varkid head from behind his back, winking at me.
"I hate you."
"Ah, but he likes you, look..." He starts wiggling the offending souvenir above my head where some of its blood starts dripping down on my face...
That does it!
My need for rest is suddenly replaced by the urge to get as far away from those dead eyes – the Varkid's, not Sal's, though I still think he's a soulless prick – as possible and I struggle back to my feet, pulling out my new 'Corrosive Teapot' and pointing it at Sal.
"I swear, if you don't put that thing away right now I'm gonna-"
"Yo, yo, yo, listen up, bitches, I gots a fine piece a' ass right here waitin' for y'all..."
Axton clears his throat as he steps next to me and my eyes narrow in jealousy as his hair seems to be much drier than mine already... "Tina, we appreciate the offer, but we really-"
"Not me, dumbass!" Tina's shrill voice interrupts him, "Gah, how am I supposed to work with such cretins? There's someone here to meet you. Got it?"
Axton's brows furrow but he nods. "Right, on our way."
We've managed to take about one step towards Tina's hideout when another – this time booming – voice rings through the ECHO communicator.
"Status report?"
Ugh, I hate this guy...
"We've got the rockets and are making a little detour back to Tina. After that we're ready."
"You better hurry, the train's heading your way right now!"
"On it." Axton's face takes on his 'Commando-scowl' – as the rest of us lovingly call it – and he turns back to us to discuss our next move before another (much more pleasant) voice interrupts him yet again.
"He means 'thanks a lot for helping us with this, guys'..."
Axton shoots a quick glance towards Tina's place and then turns back to us with determination and I can't help but feel worried... I know that expression, he's about to say something I won't like...
"Zero, you're with me. We're going to make sure those rockets find their target in time. Salvador, Maya, go see what Tina wants."
I knew it!
I can already feel Sal nudging my side and with a growl I turn to him. The Gunzerker is offering me his arm – which about reaches my knee – and grins. "Shall we?"
"I swear, if you got any more of those things hidden somewhere I'm gonna melt off your face!"
. . .
"...And then he was all like, 'Oh my god, your robot just ripped my son to shreds!' and I'm just like, 'Goooooood, don't be such a crybaby! He should have watched where he was walking...' I mean, seriously? He almost stepped on my foot when he tried to shove past me and squeeze his way into the waiting line IN FRONT OF ME! I was waiting for my ice cream for, like, a minute and he thinks he can just squeeze in? Nuh-uh, I don't think so... That's how guys like Handsome Jack are being bred, you know, thinking they can get away with stuff like that..."
"Ow, man!"
Yeah, okay, maybe I should have warned Sal that the ground here is still kinda slippery – what with all the blood and torn off bodyparts – but it's way more entertaining to watch him lie face down in a pool of blood after tripping over a Psycho Midget... Heh, payback's a bitch...
Alerted by the continuing swears behind her, Tina turns in her chair, a relieved expression crossing her face as she spots us. The girl sitting next to her turns her head away from the empty tea cup in front of her as well and raises her hand in greeting as we approach the – save for all the blood still covering most of the floors and walls – adorable scene of a child's tea party.
"Gaige here is gonna accompany you from now on," Tina announces with a nod towards her guest even before we've reached the table, taking another sip out of her empty tea cup – adorable!
"Hello to you."
And that's how I met the Mechromancer... Admittedly, her appearance may be a little deceiving and I, myself, can't stop the feeling of protectiveness immediately arising in me at those pigtails, that soft voice and her outfit, but at least I manage to keep my mouth shut about it... Unlike Sal, who's back on his feet by now...
"You gotta be kidding... we're not gonna take a little girl with us-"
"What Sal here is trying to say," I interrupt him, shaking my head warningly at Sal, "is that, even if we should choose to see past the fact that we don't even know Gaige – no offense..." I shoot Gaige an apologetic smile who simply shrugs, flexing the metallic fingers of her left hand smiling mischievously.
"None taken."
"Right..." I nod, turning back to Tina once more. "Okay, so even if we see past that... wouldn't it be safer for her to stay with you?"
"Nah, she can't stay here." Tina shakes her head, her serious expression unchanging. "Princess Fluffybutt don't like her, she thinks Gaige's got an eye on Sir Reginald and she's NOT HAPPY 'BOUT THAT!"
"Now..." Without waiting for a response, Tina claps her hand and jumps off her chair, shoving Gaige towards us. "Take her with you and leave, it's naptime and I do NOT wish to be disturbed." The loud smack when she slaps my ass echoes through the entire cave and she winks at me. "Off you go, sugar tits..."
What the...?
. . .
"Third place. I mean, seriously..."
"M-hm..."
"Watch it, GUN Loader!"
"Sooooo, anyway, like I said, I arrived on Pandora and it was just like monsters and bandits and... stuff... and I just had no idea where to go, what to do... I mean, walking around and killing stuff is fun... for a while but, like, you can't do that all day long, right?"
"U-huh..."
"Take out the damn Repair Surveyors!"
"Ooooh, though there was this one time when Deathtrap just ripped three bandits' heads off in one swing... I mean it was just like ka-zing! and there was blood everywhere and... stuff... and I mean at first I was shocked, you know? Like... that stuff is just gross, right? But after you see it for a while, at some point you just go, 'meh, don't care'. Know what I mean?"
"Sure..."
"EXP Loader!"
"Gee, he always this panic-y?"
I take my eyes off our comrades ahead of us – just as they approach what I desperately hope is the crash site where we're finally gonna find the Vault Key to leave this place – and turn to the lively girl walking next to me. "Sal?" I shrug but can't help the mischievous smile. "Yeah, pretty much... He likes the drama..."
"...Oh dear."
Just as Gaige opens her mouth to continue her story about how she got tossed off a train and was stranded at Tundra Express, we both wince at the voice yelling into our ears through our ECHO communicators.
"It's a trap – the Vault Key is not on the train! Abort the mission, soldiers!"
Gee, talk about panic-y...