EPILOGUE

This was the only time, in a very long time, that I was able to sleep without the image of Penny. I was happy, but too busy sleeping to notice. I dreamt of something beautiful, something wonderful, I believe. I can trust my instincts for so long before I find something wrong or illogical about my own decisions or delusions.

I found myself at peace, and that was the way I wanted it to be…but that's not why I'm writing again.

When I opened my eyes, I saw the window open, blowing over the curtains in a soothing sound. I felt colder now, as if it had been opened for a week during winter season. I do remember the window was opened, but wasn't cold out, so I (I think) probably left it alone, but I don't remember if if I did or didn't.

I was about to get up to close the window, but—

"Hello," a voice said.

I remembered it. It sounded so familiar. I knew who it was.

I turned over and saw her, Carrie, sitting by the window that was closed, opposite of my bedside. She didn't look any different from when I saw her at age twelve.

"You have a good-looking one," she said, avoiding eye contact. "You should be proud of what you have."

"What…" I said, but I didn't feel like talking. I just stopped dead-ahead.

"I live with this guilt harboring over me. I know that I can't change the past or ask for forgiveness. But there is no reason to, and I should know this. And you deserve to know, or this will continue to keep me away from where I'm supposed to go.

"I was invited to their party, and I didn't know why. Honestly it seemed off. I guess I just gave off the impression I would be interested in doing or being involved in those sorts of things. But I never did intended on being a part of it, nor will I forget what happened. I honestly can't say how much it hurts to even talk about it.

"Anyway, I was over at their house, all planned out. But I was late, you see, kiddo," she said, laughing as if she had found a piece of food stuck in her teeth and wondered how long she had it in there. "I didn't know what they were planning to do, but I didn't know why I had to be a part of it.

"I got there about ten or eleven—I could care less what time it was—and I had to go from the back since I came by through the alley and thought they would see me there. Plus I didn't want anyone else seeing that I was there. I may not have such a good reputation, but I do care how I spend my time and don't want to give people the impression I'm assoicated with them.

"When I was let in by Sarah, she told me how happy she was that I was here…They eventually all greeted me like I was the messiah. I didn't know why, but I felt disgusted with it. Then I was told by Penny how exciting this night would be—Teri had even kicked off with an extremely happy attitude, which continued to put me off as she wouldn't be all like that without worrying about dying or getting hurt. You know how paranoid she was? She had this fear of germs and such, I don't know—real stuff that would make you say things how pathetic that is and...it's strange how it's debatable how some small things people fear extermely about or how big they can be and we simply ignore it.

"Then, Carmen started crying…She told me that she was sad at how she and Alan couldn't be together as she hoped. I know the usual skinny as to why, considering she's a cactus and he's a balloon. I know the ipso-facto. Then she started laughing, smiling, even, saying how even though they can't be together now, they soon will be…I was dumb enough to ask her why, and she replied, 'Because he will take his own life when he finds out what happens.' She said it like she knew the future or she was that confident in it.

"I-I…I was so blown away, like I was wondering if maybe I was being dozed off or I wasn't hearing or seeing things right.

"Then I saw Masami opening the freezer and she went in and closed it.

"I asked what she was doing.

"Penny told me that it was time to explain what was going on.

"Sarah told me that what was occurring was a cleansing. Like, this was going to be their ultimate salvation and they were going to be in a better place. They began to tell me that this was all planned in advanced and they were all open to the idea. She said it was the best idea she had ever heard and was glad this was about to happen. I don't know what had gotten into their…heads, if they had any sign of sanity left. I told them they were crazy; I told them that what they were doing was a multiple-suicide thing. I didn't know why they would do it, and that they were just so god damn nuts. I said no offense to Penny, but she didn't think of it as a joke or anything—just pointless, more or less.

"I was asked to join them, that they had found a way to 'cleanse myself' and live a happy life.

"I told them I needed time to think things through and I wanted to go outside for some fresh air.

"They told me not to 'dilly-dally' as they would do it soon, with or without me.

"I was outside, thinking about what I was going to do. I didn't know whether to call the police or just get out of there. I knew for a fact I wouldn't do it. I thought they were crazy.

"So I left and ran for help…"

"But…?" I asked.

"I couldn't get there in time, and I knew what others would think. I can't explain it, but the very fact they could pin it on me, I had no choice. I told my parents where I was going, and I had no way out.

"I had to leave…For a very, very long time I have been running, running and running. I have this guilt that I always relieve every single day when it happened. I get so mad at myself on how I could have stopped it all; how I was so useless and couldn't do a single thing about it…I failed. Plan and simple, and there is no excuse for it.

"Then, it hit me. I could have said I was late and I didn't went. But even that doesn't work well, but it was something. A chance.

"Now, it's too late. It's gone. And I have to live with it."

I asked her, "Do you know exactly why they did it?"

She looked at me, almost as if I was the crazy one and said, "Think about it: These girls have killed themselves in a suicide fashion of their choice. Why would you do a thing like that? Maybe it was a fad they wanted to try, or maybe, and I do believe this one, they each had a reason for doing this. I believe each of them had problems and nobody knew how to solve them. I don't know what they were and why, but I believe this was all because each of them had their own inner personal demons. "

I didn't know what to say.

"I wanted to say this so I could be free. I want to go and meet my maker, but I have unfinished business. And now I have to go now. I hope for the best of you."

I turned away, thinking this was all a dream.

The next moment she was gone.

I went to my computer and began writing, because I don't know whether or not this was real or just my own personal hallucination of what I want to be the truth. Who knows? She could have been lying, and how could she have found me?

These questions I know will never be answered. All I can do is write. All I ever will be good at. Writing is my bread and butter. Why? I want to forget everything from it. Every single thing. I can't ignore these things, but I do have these thoughts that I may go insane with it and could go overboard with it.

Fiction: Lies. I choose to live in a world of fiction, which is why I write. I live for this.

I bought a gun when I turned eighteen and kept it since. There's one bullet, and it's waiting for me. I would only do it if I am pushed over the edge. I hide the gun so I won't be reminded of my last resort. But hopefully it never has to come to that.

I could only try to forget. "Try" being the keyword. I hope so, though.

My daughter will be back in the morning, and I should get some rest.

I hope this is the last time I ever mention this all.

This never happened.

THE END