Tears of Rain

By Lyra Sanzennine

Rin had lost track of the days, weeks and months as she journeyed in a direction that she could only pray would lead her to Inuyasha's village. The passing of time had ceased to matter. Day by day she fought off hungry animals and demons with her naginata and hunted small game with her manrikigusari. It was an extremely useful weapon and ideal for hunting – two weights connected by a length of chain. Swinging the metal and letting it fly towards the target brought her enough rabbits to sustain her quite well.

Her lifestyle was…freeing…in a way that she could not have previously imagined. Living happily in the castle where she was endlessly coddled, she would not have dreamed of a pleasurable existence in the wild. Each day she fought for her life, true.

But everyday she grew.

There was something so satisfying about being able to provide for herself. Yes, she would not be alive if it hadn't been for Lord Sesshoumaru. He had saved her once with Tenseiga and he had arranged for her to be trained in self-defense. Somehow, though, that no longer mattered quite as much as it used to. No, now it was simply Rin taking care of herself.

And it was wonderful.

As time passed, Rin's thoughts often turned towards questioning her pursuit. She frequently wondered these days…what was she doing?

Ahead of her she could see the vague outline of a village. The surrounding forest looked familiar to her. She was certain that she'd arrived at her destination.

Now that I'm here… why am I here? I came to get Tetsusaiga. To…win Lord Sesshoumaru's love.

She felt like smacking herself.

Rin! What were you thinking? This was such a stupid idea!

What did you think was going to happen? Did you think it was going to be like, "Hey, ah, Inuyasha, can I have you sword?" and then Inuyasha would say, "Sure Rin! I don't need it! Give it to my brother who I've fought all my life over it! I think it's a great idea!" and then you'd go "home" and you'd say "Lord Sesshoumaru! Look what Rin brought you! Don't you just love me now!"

Oh, this was such a terrible idea!

Maybe if I just turn around now-

But where would I go? Some other village to live out the rest of my life?

Okay, but this is just plain stupid. If I leave now, no one has to-

"Rin! Oh my goodness! Rin is that you?"

Too late.

"Um, yes. It's me. Hi Kagome." Rin looked down at her feet and shifted uncomfortably as Kagome ran the short distance towards her from the village entrance.

"Rin, I'm so glad to see you! It's been, what, five years? You've grown so much!" Kagome squealed with the kind of energy that Rin had always associated with her. Life and children had done nothing to dampen her spirit.

Rin tilted her head upwards to catch Kagome's eyes but then quickly turned away with guilt. Of course Inuyasha would still need the Tetsusaiga! He would still be using it after all these years to protect his village and his wife and children.

"Is everything alright, honey? You look upset."

"Kagome…" she trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Hmm," Kagome paused in thought trying to figure out what might be going on. In all the instances that she'd met the girl, she'd always been full of energy and very talkative. Something was definitely out of place. "So what brings you to our place? You're carrying an awful lot of stuff. Here, let me help you take some of that. Why didn't you leave it with Sesshoumaru or Jaken?"

"Kagome-"

Kagome gasped. "He abandoned you didn't he? That slimy bastard! Oh, I knew this was going to happen! Oh, Rin. You can definitely live with us."

Before Kagome could get another word in, Rin hastily interrupted her. "No, it's not like that. Well…I mean…maybe…I mean, that's not why I'm here! I…"

"I don't understand. It's okay Rin, you can tell me what's wrong. Do you want to come in and maybe talk about it over tea?"

Rin shook her head dejectedly. "No, I don't think it would be right. I came here because…well…because I wanted to get Inuyasha's sword, the Tetsusaiga."

She glanced back to Kagome's eyes, expecting them to harden at her words and to hear something along the lines of "Oh, I see. You're just like him then."

Kagome merely looked puzzled and asked, "I don't understand. Why would you want Tetsusaiga?"

Rin let her naginata fall carelessly to the ground then carelessly seated herself on the grass beside it. She buried her face in her hands but refused to cry. She had survived the journey because a purpose in life drove her on. Now that she was finally here, she had no idea what to do. When she felt Kagome's gentle hands take hold of her shoulders in comfort, she raised her head.

"You were right. Lord Sesshoumaru did abandon me. He was going to take me to some village where I could live like a normal person, but I left the night before without him," Rin mumbled.

"And then you came here?" Kagome asked quietly. Rin nodded in response. "To get Inuyasha's sword…?" The younger woman sniffed and bowed her head.

"I see," Kagome stated hesitantly. "Well, I don't know what happened. We haven't had any contact with Sesshoumaru for five years now, but you know, I always thought he was something of a silly twit. Why on earth would he let you go?"

Rin said nothing.

"Come on, honey, come in for some tea and at least stay for dinner. Tell me what happened. I promise you I'll do everything I can to help you."

Rin reluctantly agreed, not knowing what else she could do. To refuse the miko's hospitality would be terribly rude. At the same time, she didn't feel as though she should step foot into the village given the ridiculous and shameful reason that had brought her here. On the other hand, she hadn't stolen the sword or anything, so really, what was the harm? She hadn't really done anything wrong.

The pair of women carried Rin's belongings to the charming hut that belonged to the village's resident guardian and miko. Over tea and dinner, Rin slowly and shyly told Kagome everything. From her long-time unrequited love to his callous rejection to her journey to seek out Inuyasha. Kagome never laughed at her.

During the evening she met the four hanyou pups that belonged to the odd couple. They were so happy with each other. It was evident in the way they looked at each other, in their playful bickering and teasing, and in the obvious love that reflected in their eyes when they gazed at their small children.

Rin couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy as she watched the obvious contentment that had grown from a union between a human priestess and a demon.

When it was far past time to turn in for the night, the couple, naturally, offered Rin their home. A part of her would have loved to accept the invitation. They were wonderful people with wonderful children and they didn't make her feel like an outcast or a misfit. Rather, they accepted her readily. But Rin couldn't dismiss the feelings that gnawed away at her. Saying any longer would mean more time watching Inuyasha and Kagome together. She didn't think she could bear it.

His eyes looked so much like her Lord Sesshoumaru's. That shade of gold…

She had survived just fine in the wilderness all this time alone. She would likewise be fine tonight. Of course, when they asked her where she would go, she didn't tell them that she planned on sleeping in a cave. They would never have allowed her to leave if that was the case. Rin quickly made something up regarding lodging somewhere else that was already arranged, thanked them for their generous hospitality and gave them her blessings for a happy and fruitful future.

She departed from the quaint village with a heavy heart. She wasn't sure there was a time she'd ever felt so alone.

Where to now, Rin? You can't go home. You can't go back to Inuyasha's. You don't belong there either.

What am I going to do?

There would be a little human village. There would be some young man. Maybe a farmer, maybe a fisher, maybe a builder. He would see her and immediately notice her complexion and her lithe body. She was tanned from her adventures in the wilderness, but that didn't detract from the fact that she had spent most of her life in luxury – well fed, clean, and taken care of. She was young and she was pretty and she was perfect for childbearing. He would ask to marry her and she would say yes and they would live for the rest of their short lives as peasant and wife with non-descript friends and family and children. His hands would smell of either dirt or fish or maybe both and they would be on her nightly. And like the rest of her kind, she would grin and bear it and tell herself that this was her duty and that it would be over soon.

It's okay. I'll be okay.

I'll be okay…

Really, what was she looking for in life? Certainly more than anyone else expected and more than she really deserved. In an age of constant warfare, where everyday was a struggle for every man and woman to survive and feed the children back at home, why did she feel like her life had to be the perfect romance with the perfect lord?

I love him.

And maybe that was all there would ever be.

A monster pounced from behind her and instinct alone allowed her to throw herself to the side, drop her carrying pack and draw her naginata as she got safely to her feet. The giant lizard-like creature snapped its teeth in her direction. Acidic saliva dripped from its hungry mouth and a few drops fell on her skin when it whipped its head back in her direction. Rin ignored the burning sensation as she concentrated on her defensive stance.

So he doesn't love you. Okay. It's not the end of the world.

The lizard lunged at her. She quickly side-stepped it and swung the naginata's blade in the creature's direction. It barely managed to nick the monster's side and served only to incense it. They faced each other again and both attacked simultaneously. Rin's blade scratched at the monster's scales but its claws managed to sink deeply into her thigh. Blood flowed down her legs, soaking the hakama she wore.

Somewhere inside, you always knew that this was pointless. You can't make him love you. You can't win his affection.

She strove to get a clear shot of the creature's underbelly. It was her only hope, but it kept her well on the defensive and she couldn't find the right opportunity to strike. It slashed at her again, this time catching her forearm.

And why does that really matter?

Lunge, parry, stab. Rin continued to lose blood and she was beginning to notice the first signs of dizziness. No matter what, she would not let this monster kill her. No matter how much blood she lost and how weak she grew, she would not let herself become dinner.

Did her life hold no meaning just because he didn't care? Was her worth only a variable in equations that he alone determined?

The monster swiped at her head but she ducked in time and rolled out of its range. She held the naginata ready in front of her. She would not lose.

The world's still such a dangerous place. I wonder how many people still die each day from attacks like this.

She lurched forwards and down, thrusting up with her blade. She almost hit her target. But when she pushed herself to her feet, the waves of lightheadedness hit her hard.

But I've survived all this time. All on my own. I've protected myself from all these monsters.

The lizard again attempted to sever her neck. She blocked its claws with her weapon.

I can live like this…all on my own. And I can protect other people.

Acid burned her skin and claws raked her across her chest. Blood covered her body and further aroused the appetite of the monster.

It's okay that he doesn't reciprocate what I feel.

She thrust the blade forward.

I'm still alive. I'm still worth something.

The lizard slashed her across the cheek.

And I will live. Without him.

It snapped at her neck.

Because I can.

She stabbed upwards with all her strength.

And it's okay.

The blade of the naginata buried itself deeply into the innards of the creature. Foreign blood flowed out and further drenched her. With her remaining strength, trying her best to ignore the nausea and fatigue she felt, she pushed the thing off of her and crawled to the cave nearby that had been her intended bed before she was attacked.

I love him.

She gasped in pain as she reached the mouth of the cave.

But I don't need him.

Thankfully it was empty. She set herself against the far wall and curled into a protective ball. Her movements were slow and stiff, every inch of movement agony and further impeded by her blood-crusted clothing.

I will be happy in this new life.

She breathed shallowly, knowing that the chances of surviving to see the next sunrise in this state were next to impossible.

I'm still alive – without him.

She lost consciousness.

Lord Sesshoumaru, I wish you every happiness.

-Lyralina