Disclaimer: I am not the owner, author, killer or fan club president of Harry Potter.

If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

Harry Potter has been found dead in his godfather's ancestral home, 12 Grimmauld Place. A team of investigative medi-wizards has discovered that all symptoms of murder have either been magically wiped from the body, or did not occur at all, meaning that the Avada Kedavra Curse was performed on the unfortunate Boy-Who-Lived. The Auror Investigative Discovery Supply Force, or AIDS Force as it is known among popular culture, has narrowed the suspects down to a small list of Harry's friends, family and enemies, and will be interviewing each thoroughly. Each suspect has, of course, denied the murder of Mr Potter, and has written below their excuses, and if they had killed the Chosen One, how they would have done it.

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SUSPECT FILE SEVEN – REMUS JOHN LUPIN

Birth Name: Remus John Lupin

Aliases: Moony, Remy

Hogwarts House: Gryffindor

Allegiance in the War: Order of the Phoenix, NOT the werewolves

Remus John Lupin's statement is given below:

This is absolutely absurd! What makes you think I would ever want to kill the boy, Dolores?

I am going to repeat what you just said so the world knows of your outrageous theories.

Hem, hem. You're a dangerous half-breed werewolf, known to be in cahoots with the Dark Lord. You're a sadistic and violent bully, and have been known to hurt little children before. You're thoroughly pissed off that your best friend's son wasn't a girl, so you could have your wicked heterosexual way with her.

In my opinion, the ministry should perhaps use its ill-gotten gold for better use, such as recording devices that pick up both sides of the story, or perhaps a Senior Under-secretary who isn't a racist bigot with an uncontrollable imagination and lust for power.

No, Dolores, I am not in any way a traitor to the Ministry; I just feel that it doesn't do everything it can in spite of the current situation.

And furthermore, I do not have a murderous bone in my body.

Except for my themerioid, which has been magically proven to be the bone responsible for the killing of small children by werewolves.

Er, not that I've ever used it, seeing that under your cruel Magical Species Legislation passed a while ago, I had it painfully removed without any anaesthetic.

Who's the bully now, Mrs Umbridge?

As for working with Voldemort, I have never done anything of the sort to aid him or his companions, the Death Eaters; only to find valuable information for our side, and to turn some of the werewolves over to us.

Which, as Ministry records have shown, is more than you have ever done, or are capable of doing.

I may have failed abysmally, but that does not mean that I would harm Harry. Oh, poor Harry, dead! He was the last one left in my family of Marauders, you know. Sirius and James and Harry… all murdered; and Peter as good as dead.

Inheritance? How dare you suggest that I could have pulled off a murder! Especially Harry! You know as well as I do that he was the only one who could have saved us from these dark times, and put a stop to it all. The prophecy…

You didn't know that, did you?

Crap.

Well, OK, I'll spill. Harry was prophesised as the only one who could kill Voldemort. Sure, you've got him locked up in the Department of Mysteries, but if he turned himself in, it would have been for a reason. A ploy to get into the Ministry. He could easily get into power now, Mrs Umbridge, and then we would all be worse of than under Fudge's disastrous rule, especially since Harry's gone.

And just to prove that I wasn't anywhere near Harry the night he died, you can check with Shirley Masters, the carer at Foster's home for werewolves. There were about thirty other wolves there, that full moon night, and they can all swear I was there, not rampaging around the countryside, killing aimlessly…

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A/N: I am planning, as suggested by Ghostwriter626 that we lock all the suspects up in a room together, and watch as a big mass brawl scene ensues. If you have any ideas about who else to throw into the mix, don't forget to let me know.

Oh, and about Remus's middle name… It took a lot of hard, difficult research, through several thousands of baby naming books before I finally found one that fitted.

My initial thought for it was 'Aaron' (mainly because it was the first name on the list), but it needed to start with a J. So John it is!

And to J.K. Rowling… if you are actually reading this, and have already given Lupin a name to be revealed in HP7, could you perhaps change it? Coz I kind of like John.

John the Tyrtle (formerly known as Myrtle).