A/N: Italics indicate a flashback, or song lyrics.

Chapter 7A: Who I've Been

And I am not immune
I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall
Can I lose my need to impress?
If you want the truth
I need to confess
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
- I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real

Spencer's POV:

So we kept talking for a while, ordered pizza, and I had a really good time. I really opened up to Dylan, and I was more open with her than anyone since Ashley, but I still felt safe. And for everything I gave, everything I put out there, she gave right back. She told me about how until she was six she lived in New York with her mom, and her dad only stopped by every few months for a couple of weeks at a time. Then finally when she was six, her dad moved her and her mother out to L.A., and divorced Aiden's mother to live with them full time.

"Back when we were in New York, I didn't know most fathers didn't leave for months on end, I thought my family was totally normal. One day, he came home with good news: he said he could stay with us all the time. My mom begged him to move out to New York, but he couldn't, because of his job, and after all, he was the one with the money and the stability. So he moved us out here."

"What about Aiden and his mom?"

"Until I was eight, I thought I was an only child, then one day, I found out my dad was someone else's dad too, and every time he had come to see me and mom, he told his other family he was on a business trip."

"How did you find out?"

There was a knock at the door.

"I got it," my mom said as she opened it.

"Hi, I'm looking for Robert." The voice of the lady at the door was unfamiliar, and hash sounding. I looked down the stairs and saw this stranger-woman stepping into our house.

"And who are you?" my mom asked.

"I'm his ex-wife, and I'm here to talk with him about his son, if you don't mind," she said with venom, clearly pushing her hatred of my dad onto my mom. My eyes widened in shock, as I realized two things: one, I have a brother, and two, I'm probably not supposed to hear this conversation. I ran up the stairs to my room, to pretend I didn't hear the stuff the lady said.

"And just like that, I found out that my dad had another wife and another kid."

"That must have been a shock, especially to find out from some stranger."

She tried to shrug it off. "Actually, I'm a bit surprised I didn't find out sooner, I mean our house is only a few miles from Aiden's. Just far enough that we didn't go to the same elementary school or middle school. I never saw him until freshman year, when I went to a basketball game and he was the star player. That's why I never really talked to him until now: I didn't see him for most of my life, and when finally met him, he basically hated me."

I just sat there, processing what she was telling me.

"The irony in the whole situation is, I see my dad less now then when we lived in New York," she said wistfully, staring at a spot on the floor and playing with her hands. "At first he was around, but a few years back, he and mom started going on long vacations and leaving me behind with no one but my guitar to keep me company," she said, still staring at the floor. "But on the plus side I now have notebooks full of songs," she said looking up and smiling at me, trying to lighten the moment.

"Dylan…?"

"Yeah Spence?"

"Will you play for me?" Her eyes found the spot on the floor again. "Please?" I asked quietly.

She looked back up at me and I could see the decision being made behind her eyes. She swallowed hard, then made up her mind.

"Sure Spencer," she said softly, getting up to grab her acoustic guitar and returning to her spot on the bed. At first, she played random bits and pieces of things until her fingers settled into a song, and she started singing quietly.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

She was staring of into space, almost as if she was singing absentmindedly, and I was content to just sit and listen. And while I was listening, I saw the real Dylan, not the façade she put up for everyone else.

'Cause I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

Suddenly she sang with much more force.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that
It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talked to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless

I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.

She slowed again, quieter this time, still not looking at me, but giving every word meaning as she sang.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that,

It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

She paused, then resumed playing louder and more forcefully.

Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that

It's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

When she finished, we sat, letting the last notes claim the space between us, until I couldn't stand the distance. I crawled next to her and gently removed her guitar from her grasp, setting it next to me on the bed, and she laid her head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her waist. Dylan, you are as broken as I am, I see that now. I see how much you need me, and how much I need you. I just hope we can fix each other.

We sat for a minute in comfortable silence, until I put my hand under her chin, lifting her gaze to mine.

"I see you Dylan. I see who you are when you don't have to pretend with anyone. I'm here and I'm not leaving."

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
'Til everything I hide behind is gone
And when I'm open wide
With nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on
Cause honestly, I'm not that strong
I'm not alright
I'm broken inside, broken inside
And all I go through
It leads me to you, it leads me to you
- I'm Not Alright, Sanctus Real