A/N: I'm dissapointed. I only got 29 reviews! And I wanted 33! But I just couldn't wait anymore because yesterday it was only 8 different visitors to my story :( Fine, I'll get on with this note. I had a mistake in last chapter; Chas is suposed to be FOURTEEN years old, not fifteen.

Shoutout to: Captain Holly short of the LEP

Channyluver08

(anonym)

Katie

Tedde bear333

AND: -fangs and ri-riona because her name was deleted the last time :)

Soo, there's a little more Channy in this chapter. Kinda Chad's thoughts about Sonny and stuff.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Sonny with a chance


Chad's diary

07.16.07

Today I was at Emily's funeral. I think I've never cried that much in my entire life. I sat by myself most of the time because my parents refused to come and my cast… they didn't understand. And Tawni doesn't want to talk to me because of what I said.

I can't believe I told Tawni to leave me alone, I really need her to be my friend now. But it's too late. She's never going to forgive me. I completely forgot that she knew Emily, I thought I was the only one who cared about her.

But there I was and I saw everybody who cried because she was dead. Emily sure knew how to treat people. Oh God how I miss her.

I will never forget how beautiful she was even though she was dead. It will never change. The image of her lying in the coffin… It's just burned into my head. It will never go away.

The sad thing is that no one except for me knew that it was a funeral for two people; my girlfriend and my child. My unborn child that never got a chance to live.

I hate love. I can never love a person again, all it does is hurt you. Look at me; I was so into my love for Emily that I ended up with no one else, no friends to love.

I want to kill myself. I would have done it if it wasn't for my sister. I cannot just leave her alone with my parents. She is the only one who cares about me. My cast doesn't like me, Emily is dead, my parents hate me and I made sure Tawni doesn't want talk to me again.

09.25.07

Time passes slowly without Emily. I have built a wall around me, which do not allow me to care about anyone else. I haven't dated any girls since the funeral. I think it's too early.

My parents got home last night. They didn't hit me this time, I think they have noticed that I am weaker than I use to be. I am emotionally broken down. They just don't talk to me at the moment, which I'm totally fine with. And they stay away from my sister too which makes it even better.

Miranda wants me to talk about Emily. But I can't talk to a twelve-year-old girl about my love life. She wouldn't understand. Maybe I'll talk to her when she gets older.

She begs me to tell her about the suicide note, why it was 'easier for the both of us' that she died. But I can't tell her that either, I wouldn't want her to get any ideas. I mean, she is my baby sister. She is going to wait with sex until her kids are graduated, I've decided that.

Don't get me wrong, I love Miranda, and I want to talk to her. It's just that she is too young. I know I sound like a box of shit when I say that, but it's true.

I want my old life back.

02.05.08

Its one year since I met Emily. I miss her more then you could imagine. I visited her today.

I feel like a looser.

04.15.08

Happy anniversary to me

05.03.08

I have become a 'player'. At least that's what they call me. It's because I switch girlfriend every week. I do it on purpose; I only date girls I don't care about so I'll forget how it is to love. I can't let myself, I promised.

My wall is growing thicker and stronger. It's almost no 'Chad' left, only Chad Dylan Cooper, the star of Mackenzie falls. My whole life is an act. I have to live this way so people don't want to be with me and that way none of us will get hurt.

The only person who gets to see the real me is Miranda. We have developed an amazing relationship over the past year. We were OK before, but now we share everything so I know that I have to tell her about Emily soon.

I know I didn't tell her because she was 'too young' but I don't think I can use that excuse anymore. She's thirteen now and has experience with crushes and that stuff. I'm just afraid. I am afraid to talk about Emily because I am sure I'll cry when I do it. It'll just hurt too much for me to handle.

Miranda tells me I have to go to a therapist so I can 'let my feelings out'. I don't think that's a good idea. I mean – Chad Dylan Cooper goes to a therapist? That's just wrong.

My parents left last week again. I kinda miss them. Even though they hit me, yell at me and don't care about me, they still are my parents. And deep down (way, waay deep down) I love them. I wish they took time to get to know me, and then we could finally get that 'happy forever after' ending.

Wrong. There is no 'happy forever after' ending. Life goes on, and even though you are doing great at a moment, the next can be a Hell. You live until you die.

02.08.09

Chuckle city got a new cast member today. Yeah, like that'll help! They are still the worst show in the history, it's nothing compared to Mackenzie falls! Her name is Sonny Munroe.

She looks like an over-bubbly girl who thinks everyone should be friends. Just like Emily. No, not like Emily, Emily doesn't exist anymore. I have to forget her.

Sonny asked us to have a 'peace picnic' with her cast. Haha, what a looser she is! And afterwards she wanted to beat us in musical chairs. That just proves my pint, the Randoms are stupid.

Although I hate to admit it, she actually is a pretty good actress. She pretended that she had broke her foot, and when I tried to help her she pulled med in the ground, and she won. Stupid Sonny.

04.06.09

My wall is breaking apart.

04.12.09

Sonny's going on a date with James Conroy. I hate that guy, he doesn't deserve Sonny. Not that I care or anything, but she should rather go out with me! I mean Conroy is a player – even worse than me! And he's only going out with girls for one thing, and I think you know what I mean by that.

Why is she even going out with him? I am much hotter than him, I mean look at me! And look at Conroy. Conroy doesn't deserve a cute, funny, happy and loving girl like her. Stupid cute. Oh my god, why am I thinking about her this way?

I haven't thought about girls that way for a long time. I know this is going to end with me getting hurt again. I can't do it. My wall is almost gone, I can feel it. It's still there, but not as much as it used to. This is frustrating.

04.13.09

I helped her. I went on a fake date with her to make Conroy jealous. Why did I do it? I have absolutely NO idea. I only do stuff for Sonny. I only help her (and Miranda).

I don't know why, it's just a feeling I have when I see her, I feel happy and exited. I fight with her all the time too. She hates me. It's starting to get complicated. I want to… get to know her, get her to like me, but at the same time I want to push her away. I don't want to get hurt again.

She hurt me today. When we were on our fake date, she told me to pretend like I had a good time, when I actually had a great time. That's why it hurt so much when I thought she kissed me and she actually didn't. And then she asked me if 'I really thought she would kiss me?'

I can't tell you how much that hurt. Did she have to rub it in my face that no one can love me? She could have… I don't know. Maybe this is the best for us. She obviously doesn't like me so I don't have to push her away any longer. I can just give up, she'll never be mine.

05.17.09

It's impossible to give her up. She is always on my mind. She reminds me of her. The girl I don't talk about anymore. And that's why she'll never be mine, I act like a jerk to her. We always fight. She's so STUPID CUTE!

I can't take it anymore!

08.16.09 (A/N: Ignore the line unter this)

It's not even breakfast and I am already sad. I haven't been this sad for a long time. My heart is breaking at the sign in front of me.

On the front page of Tween weekly today, there is a picture of her. Kissing another guy. I don't know what to believe. Why am I reacting like this? It feels like I'm going to cry any second. But I can't cry because of a girl.

Why do I have to have feelings? Can't I just break free? I want my wall back, the wall who allows me to be mean to people and push them away. It doesn't work with her. For God's sake! She's just a small-town girl! Why is she having this affect on me? I never wished this.

I can't meet her at work today, knowing that she is in love with another guy. I have lost her before I even got a chance.

03.28.10

I had another experience when love makes you cry today. The only difference was that it wasn't me who cried, it was Sonny. She loved this dog and it died. I felt sorry for Sonny, she was really sad. I hated to see her like that.

I tried to cheer her up and I think I managed it a little. Not much, but you know… A little.

And I directed the funereal! Even though she didn't like it that much. But I had to do it the way I did it, if I had done it any other way it would have reminded me too much about another funeral. And I wouldn't want to cry in front of her. Never.

But in the end we got to know that the dog wasn't really dead, it was just in shock from the meatballs SHE had given him. So yeah.

My parents hit me for the first time in like 6 months two days ago. It was nothing seriously, just a punch in the face, but I got a bruise so I had to wear make-up to cover it up. It's still there, but it's more difficult to see it now.

11.28.10

I cried today at work. How embarrassing. Sonny reminded me too much about Emily when we fought. She said 'what are you afraid of?' and anyone who knew Emily know she said it at LEAST one time a day.

Chasity found me when I cried, and I found out she's actually a great friend! She sat down with me and let me cry in her arms while I calmed down. It was awkward and I felt like a baby, but I was glad she did it. I feel so much better right now.

I have had my feelings trapped inside me for a long time now. Maybe my sister was right, maybe I should go to a therapist. I don't know, it's all just so confusing.

My dad wasn't happy with me when I got home. My eyes were all red from all the crying and he was afraid someone had seen me. He thought I was crying because of him. So I got my punishment, he kicked me in my stomach several times while I lay on the floor. Luckily the bruises are easy to cover with clothes.

My parents are going away once again and this time I'm happy they are. I could really use a break from them.

11.30.10

My life is either really bad or really good right now… I can't decide.

Oh. My. Gosh. Chad Dylan Cooper he… likes me? Is that what all this means? Does he mean that I am hurting him because of how much he likes me? I looked through the pages once again. Yep, I think that's what it means.

Oh, can't he just forget about her and ask me out? I think I'm starting to fall for him. I was about to go out of my dressing room to put the diary back when I remembered something. I flipped to the page that was written about three days ago.

Chad was kicked in the stomach three days ago? And he managed to hide it that good? How is that possible? And I didn't even notice anything! I am such a bad friend. Poor Chad, I wish there is something I can do for him so this abuse stops, no one deserves it.

"Hey Sonny, what are you-" a voice I knew too well said. A voice that belonged to the owner of the diary I had in my hands.

I looked up to see Chad look at me. I closed the book quickly and tried to hide it, but he took it from my hands. I looked into his eyes. They were filled with sadness, disappointment and anger. Mostly anger. I didn't know what to say, I knew what I was doing was wrong.

A/N: Haha, another cliffhanger! Mwoahahah this is how it goes when I don't get as many reviews as I want! This time I want 36. I'm only missing 7 so it's not like it's going to take long if you review my dear children!

So yeah. Have a really good day (I will if you review). I love you all for reading my story all the way to this note :)