She had paused, hesitated, stood completely still; unaware of what to do for once. As both Ashley and Kaidan argued and then looked expectantly at her, all she could hear in her mind was silence. Complete and utter silence. A year ago, a decision like this wouldn't have torn her up as much as this was. Having grown up in the military, people dying for the greater good was just the way of life; you never think of it any different. But this; this hard but simple decision, that would have taken only moments to be made usually, had her standing infront of her two soldiers like a star struck girl.
No, this was wrong. How could she choose between two of her friends? How could she justify sending one off with an unknown squad while the other was safe in her mind, right beside her. How did she justify her choice, whatever it was? Whoever went with Kirrahe had less chance of survival, so she would basically be signing their death sentence. How the hell could she choose between Ashley and Kaidan for this? She would have to push away all personal feelings, and think of what any other CO would do.
They would send Ashley. They would send her simply because they would know that she could definitely handle herself in another squad, that she had been in this sort of situation and raw action before. So yes, she should send Ashley. She took a deep breath.
"Williams, go with Kirrahe and don't do anything stupid. I need to see your face in one piece by the end of this. Am I understood?"
Ashley swallowed and nodded, giving Shepard a salute while refraining from giving her commander a hug. Kaidan looked from Shepard to Ashley, brows drawn tight together and pursed his lips.
"You stay safe out there, Ash." he said informally, obviously not caring at thaat moment in time. "I need you to come back so we can open that bottle of whiskey you kept."
She let out a laugh and pulled him into a friendly hug by the collar of his armor, an arm slung across his shoulders and back.
"And you keep our commander safe, you got that? You've got stuff to do later on, LT."
She let go of him, grinning triumphantly at the red blush now appearing on both Shepard and Kaidan's faces. Trying to forget the moment, Shepard rolled her eyes and gave in, pulling Ashley into a tight hug.
"You gotta come back, Ash. It's gotta be you, me and Alenko. We're a team. Are we understood?"
After stepping back, before leaving them to join Kirrahe and his squad, Ashley gave them both a wide smile, sadness showing through her eyes, as if she knew it was the end, and saluted them both.
"Yes, ma'am,"
They didn't realise that would be the last they saw of Ashley Williams.
They had managed to delay the geth for Kirrahe and Ashley, and had just had the pleasure of meeting Soveriegn. It was the mad dash to the bomb that really made warning alarms ring in Shepard's ears. Something wrong was about to happen. Something personal. She had a queezy feeling in her stomach that wasn't caused by the running or being thrown to the ground by krogan. No, it was a gut feeling. When they reached the bomb site, Shepard soon realised what it was.
There was static over the comm as Ashley explained her situation and again, Shepard got the stabbing feeling. As if even if she got there in time, this thing was still out of her hands. The next time Ashley's voice rang over the comm, Shepard knew exactly what was going to happen. She had thought the decision earlier had been difficult. This time it was the real deal. She was deciding which of her friends was going to live, and which would die. Shepard wouldn't wish this decision on her worst enemy.
The sound of Kaidan's voice came over the comm, urging her to get Ashley and get the hell out of there, while Ashley was making a case of her own, telling Shepard that the bomb was too important and had to be protected. Shepard could hear the unspoken line in her voice. 'It's too late for me, Skipper.' She didn't need to say it; her tone gave her away.
"Are you sure there's no way out of there on your own, Williams?" Shepard tried, one last time as she looked over to Garrus, who had his assault rifle balenced against his shoulder. His eyes were full of pity.
"No, ma'am. No way out. Just go and get Alenko, Commander. You wouldn't have enough time to get here and out anyway."
Shepard squeexed her eyes shut, breathing deeply. Now that Ashley had vocalised it, Shepard couldn't continue arguing the point with herself and had to make the hardest decision she would ever have to make.
"Alenko, can you hold on a bit longer? We're on our way back."
"Ye-yes, ma'am. I-"
"Williams, I'm so... I'm so sorry." Shepard told her, cutting Kaidan off and straightening herself up to move back to the bomb site.
"It's alright, Commander." she replied, almost happily; the fakeness being broken through by a small crack in her voice. "It's been an honour serving with you, ma'am. Couldn't imagine going out under anyone else's command."
There was a break of a few minutes, the sound of gunfire and heavy panting coming over the comm, until Ashley's voice echoed again.
"Kick Saren's ass to hell, will you?" she asked, out of breath, her throat sounding hoarse. "And for the love of god, will you and Alenko give in already! I won't be able to name the grand-"
There was a strangled yelp as a bullet hit her, Shepard wincing. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that Garrus was making sure she wouldn't fall over.
"-k-kids," Ash continued, choking.
At this point, Shepard was sure Ashley was just talking to help herself get through it. There had been silence on Kaidan's end; he had turned it off after he was told the plan. He needed his own space to deal with the situation.
"And Shep, I just-" her voice was weak, strained and was difficult to hear over the blasts of gunfire around her. "-just, when you're telling my ma and my sisters, tell them Ash kicked a-ass,"
Shepard swallowed back tears as she kept jogging, blowing a hole in a random geth every so often with her shotgun.
"I will, Ash. I'll use those exact words."
She only heard half of Ashley's reply, the comm cutting off when the voice quietly and slowly tried to make the words 'thanks Skipper'. Her comm cut off and was now buzzing loudly in Shepard's ear, indicating that Ashley was now dead and gone. It took everything in her to hold back tears and she and Garrus battled through krogan and geth, and when Saren appeared, the rage that filled Shepard's belly was overwhelming, and she threw every biotic ability she could conjure up at him. And then he got away.
She had stood there, staring at the sky angerily, so close to shooting at something randomly and roaring, letting out her fury. But she was drained, they had a bomb to set off and Kaidan was injured. So she buried it down into a place where it would become even more dangerous. But it meant that she was okay for the time being. That was, until she got Kaidan into med-bay, took nothing of what Chakwas was saying in, and eventually collapsed on the ground in front of the doctor, her eyes rolling into the back of her head and her face going pale.
She woke up shivering and light-headed, her eyes inspecting the ceiling above her, telling her that she was on a bed in med bay. She craned her neck to the side to see if Kaidan was awake, only to find him gone; his bed still bloody from where Chakwas had patched him up.
"He left a few moments ago, Commander," the doctor said, coming over to Shepard's bed and taking out her IV.
"Just a few scraps and a small bullet wound in his arm, nothing to worry about. Now, you on the other hand-"
"Doc..." Shepard attempted to protest weakly, a hand going to the back of her head with pain.
"Shepard, I don't know what they taught you when you were training to be a saviour of the galaxy, but I'm sure every biotic knows that must give yourself time to cool down. You can't simply fire your biotics like a gun, Commander. I'm not certain what possessed you to do so, but you're going to have a mighty migraine for the time being. Your implant was burning hot! Next time we are on the Citadel, I reccomend you get your doctor friend to check you out to be safe."
Shepard lay back against her pillow, staring at the ceiling as Chakwas scolded her, not even questioning how she knew Kay. Right now Virmire was on her mind. Ashley was on her mind. Chakwas rattled off some precations Shepard would have to take and ordered she go to the mess and get Rupert to whip her up something large and sustaining. The doctor took notice of the unusual silence in her commander, the sadness and pain clouding her eyes, and gave her shoulder a squeeze as Shepard left the room.
"It wasn't your fault, Shepard," she told her softly and motherly, looking at the young woman with concern.
Shepard coldly and uncharacteristically shrugged Chakwas' hand off her shoulder and didn't even look at her while leaving the room. Chakwas stared after her with worry and flicked on her omni tool to message one of her friends. She'd need them right now.
When Liara recieved Chakwas' message, she instantly dropped her conversation with Tali down in engineering, explaining why she had to go, and made a beeline for the mess hall. She let out a saddened sigh and frowned when she arrived to the sight of Shepard hunched over a plate of steaming food Rupert had given her; a mixture of greens and red meat. She was stabbing the frail vegatables angerily with her fork, her other hand at her forehead as she leaned over the table, so none of the crew could see her face. Liara moved over to the table, slowly pulling back the seat beside Shepard and lowering herself into it.
"Shepard-"
"Don't." the commander replied sharply, almost instantly. "Don't go and say it wasn't my fault and there was nothing else I could have done. I know that, for the love of God!"
She smacked her fork down loudly and turned to face Liara properly, emotion flooding over her face.
"I'm am not some self pitying fool who needs to be told over and over again that it wasn't my fault because I know for a fact that it wasn't, it was Saren's. And I don't understand why everyone can't just let me sit here and be pissy because my soldier, more importantly, my friend just died. Do you see anything wrong about that? Because I don't."
Liara's heart broke for the woman who had come and picked her up after her mother died, the woman who had grown to care for her crew like family. Shepard had just lost a close friend and Liara wasn't like her, she couldn't come up with some motivating speech that would lift Shepard's spirits, even a little. And that frustrated her.
"I understand," she said quietly, choosing her words extremely carefully. "Ashley was a large part of this crew. She created most of the life and fun that was here. It will be strange without her, but I was once told that we can't dwell on the dead if we wanted to protect the living; simply celebrate them, make them proud. Perhaps you should take that soldier's advice."
Shepard lowered her head and cupped it in her hands, making an amused sound through her lips.
"That soldier must have sucked at morale speeches. How'd you even listen to that pile of crap?"
Liara smiled at Shepard's humour, relieved to see that she wasn't completely destroyed by this.
"She could be quite convincing when she wanted to be. I believe she finished with the words, 'Strap yourself in tight, T'soni. We've still got a bumpy ride to go.'"
"Well we've just experienced one hell of a bump."
"And what would Ashley make of you making a big fuss over this bump? I believe she would call you a 'pussy'."
Shepard broke into abrupt laughter, giving Liara a small smile once she caught her breath.
"Yea, suppose you're right. You know, Ashley Williams is probably the only person who could ever get you to say 'pussy', even when she's gone. Impressive, Williams."
Shepard sadly looked up, silently giving Ashley a respectful salute and telling her she kicked ass. She missed her already. This was the part where Ashley would drop into the chair beside her and start poking fun at her for her superstitions, getting Shepard's attention. But that wouldn't happen because it was Ashley Shepard was nodding off to. They'd never have conversations about old vids again, or arguments over who had the higher kill count on a mission, or the frantic yelling in the mako as Ashley and Kaidan would hold on for their lives. She wouldn't have anyone pushing her and Kaidan together anymore. She had broken up their team, the Alliance squad, the original trio. She had broken the hearts of her sisters, her mother, hell she had broken Shepard's heart. She liked to think the relationship she had with Ash was what a relationship with a sister would be like. Yes, she was like the sister Shepard never had. And now she was gone.
Later on, after she had finished her meal and said goodbye and thank you to Liara, she found herself up in her cabin, the shower running over her once again. She wanted to kick Saren's face with the heel of her boot. He had caused this all; the death of Liara's mother, the standoff between herself and Wrex, Ashley. There was no point in Shepard even beginning to think about all the other lives that had been lost, not with the threat of the Reapers around the corner. There would be plenty more in the coming years if nothing stopped them.
She had been sitting on her bed in her N7 hoodie and slacks, hair still dripping wet, when there was a knock on the door. She took a breath and stood up, straightening herself enough to look somewhat commanderly. However when she activated the door and saw it was Kaidan, she slumped back down onto the bed.
"Hey," he said quietly. He frowned, looking at her on the bed, and strode over to her, close enough that their feet were only inches from touching. She didn't look up at him at first, instead letting her damp head hang down low, her eyes staring at her hands in her lap. But when she noticed his proximity, she looked up into his eyes and stood up in front of him, wobbling slightly. They felt so close.
"Hi. Uh, I'm no- I don't-"
She stopped herself when she noticed a bottle of whiskey in his hand at his side, two glasses in his other.
"Is that Ash's whiskey?" she asked meekly. She was being completely out of character, her tough commander facade far in the distance. He moved away to place the bottle and glasses on her table, and moved back to her, worried eyes studying her.
"Ye-yeah. I thought- I dunno what I thought. I just... I miss her and... I dunno. If you don't want to-"
Shepard cut him off, surprising both him and herself by pulling him into a tight hug, her arms around his neck and her face buried in his shoulder. After the first few seconds of surprise were gone, Kaidan wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his chin on the top of her head. He swore he felt her start to shake, and he was only certain when he heard a muffled sob come from her. He felt something damp seep through his shirt, either tears or the water from her hair, but he had a feeling it was the former. He squeezed her waist a little tighter as she let the sobs rack her breathing, and moved his face down to her own shoulder, pressing his cheek to her neck.
They stood there for a few minutes, Shepard's sobs stopping and now only simple sniffles could be heard. Kaidan felt her breathing fall back to normal, even deeper that it should have been, as if she was asleep. He was about to check if she was awake when she slowly pulled away, letting her hands slide from his neck, gently down his shoulders and arms, and then to his wrists, where she held on for a moment before releasing them and wiping away the tears left on her face. Kaidan took his time removing his own arms, and when he did, he reached up and grasped her wrists like she had his, and pulled them away from her face, letting him move away the tears with his thumbs.
"Thank you," Shepard finally said, her voice hoarse, face red and eyes looking up at Kaidan's as his thumbs traced the scars on her face. He had long since forgotten the now dried tears, and had found himself trailing over her facial scars with his thumb, marveling how instead of damaging her beauty, they added to it if anything. He was only brought out of his trance when Shepard spoke again.
"Kai-Kaidan? Could we have that whiskey now?"
He looked down at her, seeming so fragile now, while half a day ago she had been terrifying to stand in front of. She was taking Ash's death hard, very hard.
"Sure," he said with a smile, leading her over to the couch. She sat down on one end while he poured them both a glass, and then sat down beside her, making sure there was enough room between them to keep professional. Although that hug certainly hadn't been professional.
"You know," Shepard began, feeling a bit more confident now she wasn't crying like a little girl. "One of the things Ashley told me just before... She said we should just give in. And I'd like- I mean, if you-"
"Shepard," Kaidan looked at her in the eyes, telling her to shut up. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her head and leaned his own against it. "I'd like that."
Shepard's lips tugged into a smile and she lifted her head away from his, only to scooch further up the sofa closer to him. Leaning her head against his shoulder, she inhaled his scent, musky as always.
"Hold me then. Hold me and we'll just sit here and drink this whiskey and remember all the good times we had with her. What do you say?"
Snaking an arm around her waist and lifting her legs up into his lap, he smiled as her forehead leaned against his jaw and kissed the top of her hair against.
"Sure, Shepard. To Ash."
A/N: Sorry this is late. But this was Virmire. Sorry for all of the hearts that Shepard breaks in this one.
Next time: "Stop that," she scolded him, tearing her eyes away and standing up. "I'm going to go have a shower and you better go before Joker spreads his assumptions across the extranet."