I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I AM EXCITED ABOUT THIS CHAPTER *runs in a circle*
The song at the beginning is my attempt at a translation, and I might have transliterated it wrong. I also had little help from WikiAnswers, but I didn't take it seriously cause I didn't think it made too much sense. It's a pretty song so I just felt like including it. Oh, and I think I'll mention that I tried really hard to reply to everyone's reviews, no matter the size (save for anonymous reviews, as I didn't know who you are...). By the way, the reason L is becoming more responsive and angry is because a mix of things, including the point that he thinks he can be like that around Light and can get away with it.
... That is all.
XXX
So you see how everything comes to be one,
And from your heart to your lips I become a puzzle
You laugh, yell at me to let you go
Before losing your grip and surrendering
Because I'll never ask you for too much
As you already treat me like an big kid
We have nothing to risk
Apart from our lives we set aside
"Comme des enfant" by COEUR DE PIRATE
XXX
Light was lost.
He didn't understand himself, and was amazed by his own actions. It was the first time it had happened in his life, but then again, a lot of things he'd never experienced before had occurred since L had arrived.
For example, he'd never kissed a boy before.
He felt that L, however, had plenty of experience in many different things. Which really confused him, because L acted quite hostile to most, and his appearance was a perfect tribute to how he didn't care for what others thought of him. Ever. The way he ate food, the way his biggest reaction to anything was a raised eyebrow or an annoyed glance. And he'd always, always, without fail, treated Light with a sort of contempt, as if he was a number in an equation that had no use, only to be substituted, or written off as unimportant, an anomaly. He'd made Light feel like a member of the audience, who was just watching things unravel, with no affect on L, or any part of L's life in particular. Light didn't like it, because he'd always been treated as someone more important than most kids his age, because he was smarter, better looking, a mix of things. He was going to be successful in life, that's what he'd been raised to believe. He was 'perfect'. But he'd never been told the more important life lessons, such as, "good travellers walk further", or, "there will always be someone better than you at something". It had made him comfortable in his own situations, made him believe he was never out of his depth, gave him an ego.
But now he was seriously out of his depth, and it scared him, because for once in his life, he knew.
L was good at... persuasion. Physical persuasion, anyway. Or so it seemed.
L's fingers were in his hair. He could feel them move, could feel them stroke his hair, as it were. L didn't kiss like girls, or at least any of the girls Light had ever kissed, because they had just wanted, wanted, wanted, so they took, took, took. They made things uncomfortable, just threw themselves at him, wanted to lose themselves in him, wanted to feel wanted. But Light could never do it, because it hadn't made him feel anything, just... awkward. But L, he moved, he did things. Girls would poke their tongues in, maybe suck like a vacuum, making mere seconds seem like lengthy hours. L did make it seem like it was going on for a long time, but... it was different. L hit certain places, put pressure on Light's tongue, rubbed underneath, and puckered for a few seconds to catch breath, a number of things. At one point he was stroking softly, at the next he was pushing down Light's head slightly, sucking a bit, demanding more room, demanding to, in Light's view, get deeper. But surely kisses weren't supposed to feel like this. He, Light, was making noises. He was responding. He was mixed up by his own behaviour, didn't know what to feel consciously, as he must be subconsciously feeling something, but was unsure as to what exactly.
L's fingers were now drawing circles against Light's neck.
Wait, they had been kissing long enough for L to move on to something different? Exactly how long had they been kissing? When did they even start kissing? Light was still unsure. His mind was a little blank, and things were blurred.
L was obviously planning to show Light more things, as L rolled over, Light now beneath him. He could feel his hands moving again, and things were moving fast, and Light didn't know what was happening, and things were swirling in his mind, and he remembered his distance from L, how far away they were from each other in reality, and he started, slowly, to wake up, to recognise what was going on, and he knew he had to stop...
... L.
... L needed to stop.
... If he didn't, things would happen, and Light would lose himself completely.
L puckered again, his lips dancing on Light's, and Light took the opportunity to alert the older boy.
"... L..."
But that was enough breathing time for L, and he dived back again, and Light was shocked. Upon L's attack, he moaned into L's mouth, without meaning to. L was, all of a sudden, encouraged. He became more violent, and the fifteen year old leaned on an arm he placed on the area of floor behind Light's head. His legs were intercrossed, or inbetween, whichever you'd rather call it, Light's own. Light, despite knowing he had to stop, subconsciously wrapped his arms over L's shoulders, holding on for safety. The kiss was so foreign and deep, and Light was gasping between puckers, groaning. He was making such awful sounds, sounds he'd never make by his own will, and it all needed to stop, right now.
He gripped onto L's hair, and pulled the older boy's head back off of his own, separating them. He somehow managed to pull himself out, still gasping for breath, and leaned against his bedpost, strangely winded.
He turned to look at a slightly surprised L.
L licked his own lips innocently, and looked at Light with a strange emotion dancing in his eyes. Light didn't like it.
"W... what was that...?"
L looked annoyed, as if Light had just asked him the directions to his own house.
"What, do you not do that here in Japan?"
"W-what? We... yeah, we do that, but... but..."
"But what?"
What was with that tone? Was Light testing his patience or something?
"But... but you, with... me...!"
L gave an uncaring sigh. "If you're that bothered by it, then don't do it again."
Light gaped at L. "You were the one who kissed me!"
"Of course, You-Need-Someone-Else-To-Disinfect-It-san."
Light turned red.
"Y-you... as the sempai here, you shouldn't take advantage of me like that!"
"You shouldn't provoke me like that."
"I... I was trying to help!"
For the third time whilst staying here, L looked genuinely pissed.
"Then get a goddamn plaster instead of using your tongue!"
Light paused, and then looked actually hurt.
"... I... I honestly panicked..."
L's expression didn't change.
"It's because... it's because of you, L-kun!"
"You were the one who assaulted me for no apparent reason."
"Because you lied!"
L raised not one, but both of his eyebrows. Light looked at the floor, irritated that he'd let himself make such an outburst.
"... What did I apparently lie about?"
L obviously didn't even have enough recollection of even telling Light anything worth lying about. Though, no matter how impossible it was, for a moment he did think that maybe Light was on to his less explainable behaviour...
"When you first... came here..."
L kept a calm composure, but was becoming testy inside. What exactly has he found the truth out about...?
"When you first came here, you said that you weren't..." - he blushed as he prepared himself to say it, since it sounded extremely awkward in his head - "... that you weren't interested in me."
L immediately relaxed. How stupid of me to think he'd actually noticed anything. Then again, his personal matters would come before that even if he did notice anyway...
L smiled inwardly. He tended to get bored quite easily, as many a reader can tell. And he, to name one of his more twisted ways of getting his kicks, liked to mess with certain people's heads.
He paused. "I'm not." He replied in his casual monotone.
Light, though unsure whether to take the fifteen year-old seriously, felt a grand amount of disappointment well up in him.
Dammit, I won't let him think he got one over me!
Light took a deep breath to maintain his composure. "Either you have a weird way of showing loathing..." He, like L, smiled inwardly at his own little plan. "... Or you're lying."
L gave a small hnh! noise, which was probably his version of a defying chuckle.
"Such strange logic. I have no idea where you'd conjure up such an idea, Light-kun."
To his own dismay, a snippet of excitement bounced up in his chest, drowning out the pounding down-heartedness, as Light listened to L put an emphasis on his name. He obviously had yet to realise that it meant L was showing contempt for him.
"Well," Light said, pretending to sigh in disappointment, "I'll take your word for it, L-kun."
Once again, this translated incorrectly in someone's head along the line, and L, at hearing the emphasis on his name, believed that Light was now showing contempt towards him.
"Let's hope you do." L replied, unsatisfied.
XXX
Light decided to get away from L for a couple of minutes, or maybe hours, or maybe just a few days in order to maintain a calm facade. He met his mother on the stairs.
"Light, you should take a shower before your father comes home tomorrow. He'll want one as soon as he gets back, and I doubt he'll like the idea of sharing it with both you and L."
At the thought of sharing the shower with his father and L, Light thought he was sick a little.
"So what, I have to share with him again? Listen, woman, when exactly are you planning to get the boiler fixed?"
"Don't you 'woman' me again, or I'll make you share it with him even after everything's fixed. And anyway, it's better than having to share with me or Sayu, isn't it?"
At the idea of sharing a shower with either one of them, Light shivered. Damn, women creep me out sometimes, he thought.
But then again, after what had happened just now, did he want to share with even just L?
"Um... L can have a shower on his own, I don't mind sharing with Dad*."
"Nonsense! I'm sharing with your father tomorrow, I thank you. Share with L, you're both boys. We can't afford to waste water on one person at a time, Light! You know that!"
Light scowled at his mother's back as she walked away, and felt anger itch at his throat. Why? Because he was frigging angry, that's why. He was angry at his mother for being insensitive. He was angry at L for being a jerk. But he was mostly angry at himself for being an idiot for absolutely no reason whatsoever. His current situation was all of his fault, and the worst of it was he didn't even bring himself to do it all for a cause, it was all pointless. His own emotions were fucking with him!
And now, he had to tell L that after the whole fiasco they had went through less than five minutes ago, they had to now be naked together in a small enclosed space until they were both reasonably clean. God, that was like letting grass that needed to be cut grow, wasn't it? To do something in order to get clean, just to get dirty. Or dirtier. For Christ's sake, he didn't even want to look at L right now. It was too awkward, too damn bloody awkward, and he bit his lip as he realised that, once again, he was expecting something to happen.
"Nothing happened the last time I thought something would, so why would anything happen this time around?" He asked himself aloud, in an almost desperate tone.
Perhaps he was desperate for a comforting answer.
He walked towards his bedroom door once again, and hesitated to knock. He was unsure of what to say. What was he supposed to say? Sorry for kissing you earlier, but guess what we have to do now? Or I didn't mean to make out with you earlier, but do you mind having a shower with me? Light couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted to punch something so much. He believed if even Sayu had come along at that very minute, he'd probably end up slapping her so hard she'd go flying across the landing. He scolded himself as he gave a cruel chuckle at the thought, but told himself to keep his mind on the current situation. It was as if his stomach had suddenly done a backwards dive, and he started to feel a bit ill.
He slowly tapped against the wood of the door. He carefully counted each time his knuckle softly hit the hard surface.
Three times. He knocked three times.
The door gave a sort of squeak as it slowly opened, and L stood at the frame, wearing a look that, for some unexplainable reason, said I knew you'd come crawling back.
Ugh, he's acting as if it's his room I'm calling him from.
Light didn't look L in the eye. "We need to have a shower in fifteen minutes."
"... Is that it?"
"Yes, but- -"
L made to close the door on Light, but Light grabbed it at last second and pulled it back. What? What right does L have to be angry with me?
"Don't slam my own bedroom door on my like I'm some kind of travelling salesman!" Light spat, charging into the room. He pushed L viciously as he went past, and L grabbed his wrist , yanking him back in retaliation.
"What the hell, Light?"
"It's you! Quit pretending you're the victim!"
"You're the one who- -"
"No, shut up!" Light slappedL's wrist away. "Shut up, because you know it's your fault I did... all that... and you're trying to blame it on me because you think you'll get off scot-free!"
Light clenched his fists and slammed them against L's chest, his voice now raised and full of bale. "Goddammit, L! You're just so fucking arrogant and anti-social! At least when you first came here you didn't treat me like an idiot!"
"How do you now that?" L replied, in a quieter tone. He kept an unchanged composure. "I might have disrespected you all this time, and you'd still have no idea."
"Stop talking!" Light shouted at the top of his voice. "I hate you so much, and I just want you to stop acting like you like me or something! This is your problem! You did that to me- -"
" – which was not completely my fault-"
" – and then you go on to act like you couldn't give a piss! If you don't care, if you're not interested, then bloody well act like it!"
L said nothing. He just... laughed.
"Then what do you want to hear, Light-kun?" despite the implied tone, his voice was full of haphazard irritation.
Light stopped in his tracks. What did he want from L?
"... Well... maybe... a little bit of recognition wouldn't go unnoticed... or, well maybe a least apologise after you mislead me like that..."
L's eyebrows shot up, a little bit more noticeably than usual. "You mean I actually mislead you? As in I made you think something that wasn't true?"
"Well, yes."
"What was it, may I ask?"
Light gaped a little at L's question. Blushing a little, he said, "You call me stupid while you can't figure even that out?"
"Well," L gave a shrug, "I have an idea, but I'd rather you clarify what exactly it is you began to believe which you now believe is in fact not true."
Light grimaced. "You're just trying to get me to say it."
"Perhaps, but say it nevertheless."
"I don't want to."
"Stop wasting time."
Light clicked his tongue in disapproval and gave a growl. "Tch," He growled, "fine."
He took a deep breath, as if preparing to swim.
"You... made me think that..."
Light looked away, but L quickly jumped back into Light's line of vision, making him face him again.
"Yes?"
"That you lied... when you said you weren't... interested. In me."
"... Is that so?"
"Y-yeah, what I thought was that you might have been lying when you said you weren't interested... so..."
"What if I was putting up an act in which I could lie about being interested in you, behind the facade of not being interested in you?"
"... What?"
"I'm saying what if I'm lying about lying about not being interested in you?"
"That made even less sense then what you said before."
"You need to keep up. Listen - -"
"No, I get the gist of what you're saying, I just think your sentences make no sense."
"Okay, listen. I could be lying -"
"Uh huh."
"- About lying-"
"Yeah?"
"- about not being interested in you."
"Oh, okay, I get it. Wait, what...?"
L smiled. "But then again, if that's the situation, there's a possibility of me lying about lying about lying about not being interested in you."
"But if that's your motives or whatever, then why not just go straight back to the beginning and just say you lied to me?"
"Because that's boring."
"I guess..."
There was an awkward silence.
"... Did you lie?"
"..."
"Is that silence an obvious silence kept in order for the other party to know the truth without actually having an answer, or a silence in which you think I'm so stupid I will have to guess?"
"..."
"... Fine."
XXX
The water was hotter than usual, but neither of the boys seemed to notice. Their thoughts were almost blank, just skirting the borders of their minds.
God, L is such a prick.
Dear Lord, Light can be stupid sometimes.
He's always pretending I'm not here, save for when he's harassing me like that. What's with that?
He's so oblivious to why I act like I do, it's painful.
Is it because he's got a superiority complex? Or is he just constantly focused on other things?
Is it because he's scared to think like that? It's explainable why, but surely he's more curious than that?
It's not fair that he gets to think about other stuff while all I can think about is him, even though I don't even like him.
It's not fair on me, having to wait for the penny to drop like this. Until new info on the case is found, I doubt I'll be able to preoccupy myself, and these all too familiar circumstances are taking the usual toll on me.
Why is it that he acts so arrogant towards me a majority of the time, only to turn so... well, I don't know the word... a minority of the time?
Why is it he acted so up himself a few days ago, only to turn so coy and needy when I stuck my tongue down his throat?
He reminds me of Mikami when he acts all full of himself.
He reminds me of Near when he acts out of turn.
L glanced at Light's body, which was facing the opposite wall. He looked at the visible parts of Light's body, the way his back arched when he ruffled his own hair in order to get it wet, the way his legs tensed and pulled up together in some sort of attempt to cover himself. It was almost cute. The way Light would shove his nose into things when it didn't concern him, only to pretend he wasn't involved when things got too hot, was irritating, but the way he reacted when he was shown affection by L, of all people, was just... interesting, for want of a better word.
Light thought of how L had tasted, the slightly familiar flavour of metal and carbonated sugar, as if the taste of the Tin Man and Pepsi had a baby and it lived in the mouth of a fifteen year-old sexual deviant, or, for a simpler example, drinking some Pepsi and then eating the can. His hair was soft, and you would think it was quite thick and wild, but it was actually quite fine and felt warm. It had felt good, Light admitted. But it was a huge turn-off when said sensation was caused by an idiot who liked to screw with people's emotions.
I wish...
... He wasn't like that.
Because then...
... I wouldn't be so annoyed...
... With both him...
... And myself right now.
I wouldn't be thinking about him...
... And I wouldn't have this nagging desire to stare at him.
And it just makes it harder because of his nature.
And it just makes it harder because his nature and Near's are too alike.
I just don't want to be fucked around with.
I just don't want a repeat of what happened in the past.
If I didn't believe that would happen, and if I was actually not afraid of what would happen...
... I wouldn't hesitate.
XXX
(The parts that are in Japanese are there because they are being spoken in Japanese. Everything that isn't is English.)
Beep beep. Beep beep.
In the darkness, a crimson head rose from beneath the bed covers, and gave a growl as it groped around for it's cell phone. The fingers of its hand brushed against the vibrating object (LOL), and it disappeared back in the bed covers.
"Unh... Moshi moshi?"
"Matt? L des."
"Oh, L. I thought you might be some drunk Japanese guy, phoning at this time of night."
"Obviously."
"... Why are you calling now, may I ask?"
"Why do you think?"
"You're not planning to ask for more info again, are you?"
"Watashi no keikaku ni."
"Ugh. No. I only have as much as you."
"Nothing new with B's location? No contact with Near?"
"Former, I'm afraid not. However, Mello managed to speak to Near."
"What did he say?"
"..."
"... Matt?"
"... Um..."
"Please tell me, why is it every time we talk, you always have something you don't want to tell me?"
"It's kinda been like that ever since we first met."
"Ahh yes, I remember. You stared at me for two straight minutes, stuttering, when I asked you your age."
"It's because I thought if you knew I was younger than you, you'd think I was not worth your time."
"Anyway, about Near?"
"Well... apparently, he said..."
Matt paused, as if taking a deep breath.
"He said he didn't want anything to do with the investigation anymore, that he'd found something more constructive to do with his time, and that he was taking advantage of an opportunity to get away from everyone in the Family." Matt paused again.
"Especially you." He added. L tried to think of something to say.
"I... can't blame him."
"Well, I can. That self-absorbed idiot, I swear he has something against you. It's strange... when we were younger, I remember him telling me that you were what he wanted to be when he grew up. I remember it because it was so out of character."
"He said that? I'm surprised. With his background, you wouldn't expect him to come out with a 'I want to be a kitty when I grow up' story."
"You... you wouldn't happen to know what is up with him, would you? And what about B... do you know if this is somehow connected?"
"My head tells me no, but my intuition tells me otherwise. It seems everyone is eager to escape the Family nowadays."
"Can you blame them? After what we all went through, even with our own issues?"
"Matt..."
"No, I've said this before, I'll say it again. I don't give a shit what those old men have done for us. Their crimes outweigh their charity. Even with you. Especially with you. Their little back up plan for what happens when we one day screw up is sickening. And when you and A found it out, it makes me feel ill to remember what they put you two through. What they did to A... it's unforgivable. For Christ's sake, you still have the scars! Not to mention how twisted our mentalities have become due to both past, present and future treatment!" "Please, just stop it..." "And it's just insult to injury when they abuse our intelligence like this! I guess we're lucky we get sent away from them. If only it would happen for good!"
There was a silence as the two boys attempted to regain themselves, with Matt catching his breath and L trying his best to remain calm and composed.
"Matt..."
"... Yes...?"
"Tell me what your family is like."
Matt almost choked on oxygen, or air, or nothing, depending on how scientific you are.
"Why do you want to know that?"
"I just thought... you might want to talk about something relatively normal for a change. I mean, I figured it must be difficult for you, seeing as you are the only one who hasn't gone off the rails as me, Mello and Near have."
Matt almost smiled. "I wouldn't say you're there yet, L."
"It's nice that you think that."
Matt gathered himself, preparing to talk about a subject he'd never really talked about before.
"They're... nice. The food is good, and they don't force me to do anything. The bedroom I'm staying in is clean, and it's quiet at night. They have a baby daughter, called Mamori, and she is very... I don't want to say polite, but she doesn't cry without a reason, and she is fun to play with. Yoka-san, the mother, says I'm like the brother Mamori will never have. Believe it or not, I feel somewhat like an average person."
"... It sounds good."
"What about your family?"
"... They are good people. Their son is annoying, but he has a certain charm to him."
"..."
"..."
"I hope you... aren't going to... again..."
"No. Not again."
The silence was headache inducing.
"Believe me, Matt. Never again."
"If he feels the same way?"
"No."
"... I hope you stick to that resolve."
"Yeah. It seems every time the conversation comes to me, it takes a grim turn, doesn't it?"
"That is not entirely your fault."
"But it is mostly."
"We all have weaknesses."
"But not all of us are weak enough to give into them. Twice."
"It's not your fault you are that way. In the Family, we are all slightly twisted, some consciously, some subconsciously. It's just because we were raised to be that way."
"The phrase 'fighting fire with fire' never sounded so terrible until they said it."
"... It must hurt to be around him. This person."
"It hurts to think of what I'll do to him."
"I don't want my own nature to surface."
"I can't shake the feeling that all of our true natures will."
"That's because you know they will. We will all hurt others, in the end."
"Or ourselves."
XXX
MYSTERY + HOMOSEXUALITY + A LITTLE ANGST + CLIFFHANGER = A STORY THAT SOUNDS LIKE SASUKE UCHIHA WROTE IT IN AN OVERLY COMMON EMO MOMENT.
I hate myself for this ending... and I have waaaaaay too much dialogue in here. Everybody is miserable, everybody is angry. The line where L says "Watashi no keikaku ni.", I think translates literally into something like 'plan of mine' (or my of plan ni, to be more specific) , or something, which I had to use since I don't know how to say 'I plan to'. Wow, now I wish I hadn't included it.
BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS AWFUL, YOU MAY FLAME ME. HOWEVER, REVIEWS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT IT AND WOULD BE MORE APPRECIATED, NOT TO MENTION I WILL BE TWICE AS LIKELY TO REPLY. God I am such a review whore ಠ_ಠ