By the time I made it to the hospital wing I was hysterical. My face was glowing red, a mix of exhaustion, from running away from prying eyes, and tear stains. I pushed dramatically against the doors and fell into the bed-lined corridor, my breathing shallow and fast, uncontrollable sobs escaping as I tried to calm myself down. I fell into a heap on the floor and burst into a flood of tears again.
"Oh Miss Cassie, calm down dear, it's all okay." Madame Pomfrey came rushing towards my position on the floor in front of the doors. Kneeling down she put a comforting hand on my shoulder and began to hush me gently. Finally coaxing me from the ground, she led me to a bed at the back of the room. It was surrounded by a floating curtain to keep it private, at the side of the bed stood a screen. At the scene my heart began to beat viciously against my ribs, the idea of an ultrasound made the whole thing real, too real.
"There ha-has t-to be a mis-mistake." I stuttered through my laboured breaths. "I can't have a b-baby, I-I'm not-not ready."
"Cassie dear, everything will be fine. You have options. You don't have to have the baby you c-"
"No!" I cut in. "I'm not killing a baby." My voice suddenly confident with its protests.
"Okay, well that's one option ruled out. If you really don't want the baby Cassie, there's always adoption."
I merely nodded, noting to myself that it was something to think about, however I pushed it to the back of mind once I was lay down. Poppy pulled up the hem of my shirt so that my stomach was visible.
"This may tickle." With that warning, she whispered an incantation and hovered her wand above my belly. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting to make this nightmare reality. "Cassie, there's your baby." As much as I didn't want to, I took a deep breath before opening my eyes and turning towards the screen.
It wasn't much, if I had seen it without being told it way my baby, I'd probably describe it as a grey blob. It was a light great blob, in the shape of a lumpy crescent moon, on a dark grey background. But being told that that grey blob is your child changes your perspective of it completely. It captured my attention for a good ten minutes as I watched the pulse of its heartbeat in the middle of the blob.
Poppy finally pulled her wand away and the picture disappeared. My head shot up to stare at her annoyed, I wasn't ready for the picture to go, but she merely smiled down at me her eyes full of empathy as she turned and pulled out a small sheet of card and passed it to me. It was the scan, the blip of the heartbeat, the slight rocking of the blob. Instinctively I smiled down at the picture. My mind was now even more confused I really didn't know what to do, I had future plans, my education was everything to me, surely this would effect it? Could I even stay at Hogwarts?
"You can't tell anyone!" I blurted out suddenly. "I don't want anyone to know."
"You won't be able to hide it forever, and it will be a lot easier if your teachers knew Cassie, but until you're visibly pregnant, I suppose we can keep it to ourselves." Her smile was warm and reassuring. "You should tell the father though."
I bit my lip nervously and looked away from her. "I- I think he already knows." I mumbled in a barely-audible whisper.
"You've already told him?" She asked, obviously shocked.
"I didn't mean to, I dropped the note and he- he picked it up."
"Well at least you don't have to tell him now." She chuckled trying to lighten my mood, I smiled back weakly.
"I guess I shoul-"
"Cassie!" An exasperated call came from the entrance of the hospital wing, I shuffled off the bed, but stayed within the safety of the curtains, the scan clutched to my chest. "Cassie. Cas, I need to talk to you." The sound of drawing curtains echoed through the room, James was clearly searching every bed for me. I sat there silently. Poppy turned to look at me, a smirk playing on her lips as she raised her eyebrows at me. I looked away embarrassed, but managed to catch her wink before she pulled back the curtain and walked away from me.
"Mr Potter, I would appreciate if you kept your voice down, and stopped trashing my ward."
"Poppy!" He exclaimed enthusiastically. "I need to speak to Cassie, is she okay? Where is she? Does she hate me? Oh Merlin." He was breathing heavily, he sounded more frantic than I had.
"James. Calm down, Cassie is with me at the moment." She paused "JAMES! Sit down, stop! Just calm down, okay? Cassie is shocked, I can clearly see you are too so just sit down and take some deep breaths." As much as Poppy was trying to sound soothing, her inner frustration with James' persistence was obvious.
"I want to see her. I need to see her, we need to talk." There was a moment of silence, lasting for more than a minute my nosey personality decided to lead me out from behind the curtain. James and Poppy were sat on a bed 4 down from where I stood; they both had their heads bent low and were talking in hushed voices to one another. James was supporting his face with his hands and honestly he looked distraught. That's when it hit me. He didn't want this as much as I didn't. What if he wanted me to have an abortion? I bet he hated the idea that I was carrying his first child. I bet he hated me. What if I decided I wanted the baby? Could I, if he didn't want it?
My head began spinning, I closed my eyes in hope it was lessen the strain on my brain. It didn't more choices, more decisions, more options; I grabbed the sides of my head in agony wincing at the pain.
"Cassie?" Much to my surprise, James' voice was soft as he noticed my presence.
"I'm so sorry James. I'm really sorry." I blurted. I wasn't sure why I was apologising, but I felt like I had to, like I had done something wrong. I probably had, this was a big burden to put on someone's shoulders especially when I refused the easy way out. I began to cry again, wiping furiously at my eyes and subconsciously scolding myself for being so emotional.
I stood there, trying to stifle my sobs, staring at my shoes, waiting to be screamed at by James. But no punishing scream followed. Nothing followed, I just stood there, my head hung in shame for at least 2 minutes my heart beat was loud in my ears.
"I'm sorry." I whispered through a strangled sob once the silence was too much for me to bear.
Two strong arms encircled me and pulled me forward, I was indulged in warmth and the smell of coffee, rain and burning wood. It was a combination of luxury; I'd never noticed how nice James smelt before, probably because it wasn't the most acceptable thing to do – smell someone.
I began to repeatedly mumble my apology into James' chest, my arms still hanging limply by my sides and tears still spilling down my cheeks.
"Shhh." He hummed, rocking me in his arms ever so slightly. He planned a feather-light kiss on top of my head before pulling me away from the warmth of his torso. His hands clasped onto my upper arms as he bent slightly. His eyes were staring directly into mine as he brought himself down to equal my height. "Stop apologising Cas. None of this is your fault, d'you hear me? None of it." The stern look in his eyes advised me not to argue with him, I didn't feel like arguing, I felt like curling up into a ball on my bed and never moving. I nodded my head apologetically before staring at my feet again. "I'm going to take you back to your dorm okay? And you can tell Dom and she'll look after you."
My head shot up. "I can't tell Dom. I'm not telling anybody." I stated directly.
"After you screamed at me, punched me hit me and stormed out of the great hall, you think people aren't going to ask questions?"
"Well you tell them I have food poisoning until I want to tell them okay?" my eyebrows furrowed sternly.
"That doesn't explain the hitting."
"You gave me a pumpkin pasty that was off, and it gave me food poisoning I blamed you and went mad because I keep throwing up."
"Fine. But believe me, no one will believe that Cassie."
"Well they're gonna have to aren't they?" my temper was rising as he tried to argue with everything I said. "You're not telling anybody I'm pregnant. No one, you know, I know and Poppy knows that's it, no one else." With that final order I pushed passed his shoulder and left the hospital wing.
James wasn't entirely wrong. After getting to my dorm, I spent at least an hour trying to convince Dom that I had food poisoning; every question she asked was difficult to link to a reason why I would have food poisoning. James' involvement especially, my excuse that Madame Pomfrey could determine what and when the Poisoning occurred, was the most difficult to explain, well make up an explanation for, but I managed it eventually. I'd almost convinced her when she asked why I didn't want James to read the note. I stumbled on that, before deciding that I felt bad for blaming him so much and thought if he didn't see the note he wouldn't ask and we'd carry on as normal. By normal I meant the constant bickering and wanting to strangle each other when within a 20meter radius of the other. Finally, she admitted defeat and believed me, but I think that was because she was hungry and wasn't willing to carry the argument without food.
Once Dinner was over, I took a trip to the astronomy tower, Madame Pomfrey had excused me from lessons for today and tomorrow, and as everyone else would be in lessons tomorrow, therefore would be doing homework and getting ready for bed, I knew I'd get some time on my own up there. The cold winter air welcomed me, a gust of wind raced through my tangled hair the minute I opened the door, it was nice it was what I needed. The fresh air refreshed me, it helped me think.
"Penny for your thoughts?" his rough, husky voice ran through me, Goosebumps surfacing from the sound of his voice.
"What d'you want James?" I sighed as I pulled out a pack of cigarettes; my week run of no smoking would have to be abandoned, I needed a relief for my stress."
"What do you think you're doing?" He asked sharply, pulling the dangling cigarette from my lips before I could even pull my lighter out.
"What do you think you're doing?" I asked angrily as I stretched my arm up trying to grab my cigarette from his hand.
"You can't smoke."
"you can't tell me what to do!" I retaliated.
"Yes, I can." He scoffed moving his hand out of reach.
"No you can't asshole. Give me it back." I tried to pull myself to my feet.
"I won't let you smoke Cassie."
"You never cared, anyway you smoke hypocrite."
"You're carrying my baby. You're not smoking while you're pregnant. End of discussion." He then threw the cigarette off the astronomy tower.
Honestly, I'd completely forgotten for a fleeting moment. I was back to last week, when I had no issues, I wasn't ill or pregnant and I could smoke if I wanted, I could sit alone on the astronomy tower and do what the hell I wanted.
"Oh." The realisation of how much my life was going to change was unwelcomed.
"We need to talk about this Cassie."
"We don't need to talk about anything James. Just-just leave me alone, okay?" I then turned with a final sigh and left the beloved outdoors feeling that surrounded me up there on the astronomy tower.
I would have been thankful of the lie-in considering I had no classes today; however my body had different ideas, especially when concerning morning sickness. It was at least past 9am, which I guess made it slightly better, I was alone, everyone had left for class so I didn't have to hide the fact that I was dying in the bathroom, like I was going to for the next month at least.
I lay on my bed for a while, my hand resting delicately on my stomach, the other holding the scan. I knew I couldn't stay on the streets over Christmas, not now that I had two lives to consider. I thought about contacting Nathan, but I really couldn't face him now I'd fucked my life up with a baby. Dom was completely out of the picture now, so was Izzy I refused to let them know I was pregnant and after 2 weeks of throwing up every morning, I highly doubt my 'food poisoning' story will work. So I decided to spend the day looking through the library for some form of accommodation.
Too expensive.
No.
No.
No students.
Too expensive.
No short term accommodation.
No.
No.
Closed over Christmas period.
"What are you looking at?"
"I told you to leave me alone."
"When have I ever done what you've asked?" James chuckled.
"I'm not smoking James, leave me alone." I didn't once turn to look at him as I spoke into my pile of books and newspapers.
"Hotels? Why are you looking at hotels?"
"None of your business." I snapped grinding my teeth in irritation.
"I thought you were staying with Dom for Christmas." He said abruptly. "Why would you be looking at hotels if you're staying with Dom?"
"Because I'm not staying with Dom." I sighed.
"You told me you'd ask her, you told me you'd find somewhere to stay."
"Well I didn't, okay?" I barked turning to face him finally. "I didn't ask because I don't want her to know I've been kicked out, I don't want anyone to know, I don't want people to share my problems, they're my problems, no one else's. Mine!"
"What? So you're just going to stay in a dingy hotel over Christmas on your own because you're too proud to admit you need someone's help?" He yelled back.
"I am not too proud! I just don't want people to have to deal with something that they don't need to, okay? I'm sorry that I don't lay all of my issues on the table for people to take their pick."
"I'm not stupid Cassie, and I'm not blind. You barely have any money. How the hell are you going to afford any where for 2 weeks?"
"I'm not, okay. I have nowhere to go. I have nothing left, my life is completely fucked up, and you yelling it in my face really isn't helping so fuck off and throw someone else's mistakes down their throat!" I slammed the last book I was reading shut dramatically whilst staring him down fiercely. "I told you to fuck off!"
"When have I ever done what you've asked?" He smirked. He infuriated me so much, you don't understand I have to literally bite my tongue to prevent myself from blowing up at him, and hold on to objects to avoid punching the boy. "I have something I have to do anyway. So see'ya later Cas."
It was the 15th of December. I had 3 days left until the Hogwarts express left Hogsmead station, and I still had nowhere to stay. I was at my wits end; I stayed up every night until 11 looking through every possible book and article that would mention accommodation, too be woken up by morning sickness at half 8 every morning. I was exhausted. Poppy had excused me from first lesson until my sickness died down, and thankfully she had explained it as food poisoning to my professors, so I still didn't have to explain to Dom or Izzy why I threw up every morning considering I woke up after they left.
I'd avoided Potter as much as I possibly could in the last week, every other day he had cornered me asking if we could talk about 'the situation' which he referred to it as. I had declined his plead to 'talk it out' every time, but admittedly I was starting to feel selfish. James was a part of this as much as I was, it was his baby as much as it was mine, and considering he was making the effort to show that he wanted to talk about it, clearly he was more interested in the baby than I was and I was reminded of that every morning.
Unfortunately today was the day that Potter cornered me somewhere I could not just walk away from. I was sat by the lake in the snow, I had about 7 layers of clothes on and I was watching the younger students ice skating on the frozen water over the other side.
"Cassie, I have a proposal." I span around to face him my eyes wide with horror.
"Woah no. Just 'because I'm pregnant, I am still not marrying you." I said before he could even think about it.
"What? No a proposal, I'm not proposing." James corrected himself quickly and I think the tension in my neck relieved a bit. "I'm offering you a place to stay for Christmas."
"With you?" I asked startled by his offer.
"Well yeah." He reached his hand over his shoulder and began to rub the back of his neck, a nervous habit of his I'd noticed lately. "I asked my Dad if I could bring a friend back for Christmas, after I saw you in the library. He gave me the okay, and I've been trying to ask you all week but you're avoiding me."
"Thanks for the offer James, but I just don't want things getting complicated, I don't think you should tell you mum and dad about 'the situation' at least not while I'm there I'd die. I'll find somewhere but thank you anyway." I smiled trying to be as polite as possible.
"Let me rephrase that." He paused. "Considering you are carrying my baby, and you have nowhere to live, you will be staying with me over Christmas, okay? Oh and no worries I won't mention 'the situation' to my parents, you can just stay as a friend."
I tried to argue back, but my attempts were feeble, and eventually I had no option but to agree to stay with him, and thank him.
"Christmas is going to be one awkward ordeal." I sighed after my defeat.
"How so?"
"Potter, we can't be civil with each other for more than 10 minutes, I'm pretty sure your parents will figure out we're barely friends pretty quick and that's without your sister or brother telling them that we have put each other in detention more times over the past 7 years than we have said hello to each other." I laughed at the idea. "I cannot believe I have resorted to staying with you over Christmas, I didn't think I was that desperate."
"I'd say interesting more than awkward. And who knows, you might actually talk to me about him." He added pointing to my stomach.
"Her." I corrected.
"It's a girl?" he asked excitedly.
"No clue, I want it to be though."
We lay by the lake, in the freezing temperatures for another hour, talking about everything from our favourite bertybott flavour to our future plans and how bump has already changed that. We decided to call the baby 'bump' considering I didn't want to find out the sex, and give it a month and it will be a bump. Somehow we got on really well for that hour, everything was calm I explained how I didn't want an abortion and how I guess we could put her/him up for adoption, James agreed with me mostly, but I didn't miss his frown when I said about adoption, he even asked if there was any chance we could keep bump. I merely shrugged and told him the future has its own mind you can't plan it.