Title: Restoration
Author: Kimberly21570
Fandom: All My Children
Pairings: Lena and Bianca
Disclaimer: The characters of Lena Kundera, Bianca Montgomery, Maggie and Frankie Stone, Kendall Hart, Erica Kane, Travis Montgomery, and Michael Cambias are owned by All My Children, ABC/Disney and Prospect Park. Rights to Laura Pausini's album From the Inside belong to Atlantic Records.
No copyright infringement intended with regard to AMC, ABC/Disney, Prospect Park, or any other entity. Dialogue, settings, and story content in these scenes are original. Written for fun, not profit. All other standard disclaimers apply.
Synopsis: This story was borne of my extreme distaste for the handling of Bianca's rape. It follows Bianca and Lena as they deal with the aftermath and work toward reclaiming the life they were meant to share.
Warnings and Author's Note: At times, this story is dark and angst-ridden, but mostly, it is a celebration of life. Warnings will be posted at the beginning of those particularly difficult chapters. Throughout the course of writing this story—which has taken place over the course of nearly a decade—I have endeavored to offer this sensitive subject matter its due justice, and perhaps offer a ray of hope to those who have suffered similar experiences, along the way. I know, only too well, the tumultuous journey one must traverse when attempting to achieve Restoration from the ashes of the Ruins… The true beauty of the journey is found in the inner strength that is manifested along the way…
Rating: Chapter 7 is rated PG-13.
Restoration
"Mothers tell your children—be quick, you must be strong. Life is full of wonder. Love is never wrong. Remember how they taught you. How much of it was fear. Refuse to hand it down. The legacy stops here."
— Melissa Etheridge, "Silent Legacy"
Chapter 7—The Recovery:
Early September, 2003
"Wow! Lena thought of everything!" Maggie exclaimed, as she and Bianca walked through the front door of the quaint little cottage Lena has procured for their stay on Martha's Vineyard. "Look at this place, B! It's the real deal!"
Bianca scanned what she could see of the house from just inside the front door, while Maggie ran excitedly throughout, taking it all in. She smiled, remembering how Lena always thought of everything. She remembered the Fourth of July in Memorial Park. Lena had no guarantees that she would even see Bianca, let alone actually get to spend the day with her, yet she packed the trunk of her car with everything that was necessary for a perfect romantic evening in the park. She remembered the little game they played with the champagne and how wonderful it felt to be close to her, to make love with her again. Bianca's eyes filled with tears that threatened to overflow, as Maggie returned to the living room.
She immediately noticed the tears brimming in Bianca's eyes. "Hey, B, what's up?" Maggie asked, with concern, as she approached her and stroked Bianca's arm up and down in an effort to provide comfort. "I'm sorry. I should be more considerate of your feelings. I know this trip isn't a vacation for you… for either of us, really." She felt like an ass for being so lighthearted, when Bianca was struggling with so much.
"No, Maggie," Bianca interrupted, forcing the tears to subside. "It's okay. I'm glad you're excited. At least that makes one of us," she said ruefully. "It's just… I was thinking about how right you are. Lena always thinks of everything," she explained.
As Bianca attempted to continue, Maggie pulled her across the room by her arm. "This sounds like it might take awhile, and I don't think we need to discuss the finer points of Lena Kundera while standing in the front doorway," she laughed. "Let's sit down for a few minutes before we unpack, and you can tell me all about it. Okay?"
Bianca smiled, as Maggie dragged her to the couch for a chat. That's my Maggie, she thought. Always up for a heart-to-heart. I think that's what makes her such a great friend. "Doesn't look like I have much of a choice, now does it?" she replied in answer, as Maggie firmly deposited her on the couch and sat down right beside her.
Maggie smiled at Bianca's sarcasm, thinking how far she had come in the last couple of weeks. The two of them had much work to do, but at least now Bianca was a little more communicative with her. "Now, what were you saying about Lena?" she probed, propping her head against her palm.
"I don't know, Maggie," Bianca sighed. She grabbed one of the throw pillows from the end of the couch, toying with the ruffled edges. "I just… Well, Lena always knows the right thing to do. The right thing to say. I mean, she loves me, so much, and she's always been upfront about her feelings for me. I'm just afraid I'll never be able to go back to the relationship that we had before."
"Hey Bianca," Maggie interrupted, her soft voice offering encouragement. "Hang in there, okay? You'll get there. It's just going to take some time. That's why we're here. Remember? To give you time to work through these things," she said, reassuringly.
"See what I mean, Maggie?" Bianca asked. "Even that day at the Valley Inn, when I finally agreed to go away with you… I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember Lena saying that she wanted me to stay, for her. But she wanted me to go, for me." She stressed the parts about whose benefit was most important to Lena. "That's the most unselfish thing anyone has ever done for me, and still I kept my distance from her."
The tears began to flow, as Bianca reflected on the memories of Lena's endless outpouring of love for her. "How can she continue to love me, when all I do is reject her?" she cried, tossing the pillow aside, as she drew her knees up against her chest and buried her face against them.
Moving closer, Maggie wrapped an arm around her shoulder, giving her a squeeze. "Bianca, you didn't reject her," she reassured. "You were just honest with her."
"Maggie," Bianca countered sternly, feeling a bit irritated at Maggie's attempts to pacify her. "I told her I couldn't move back into our room, couldn't be that close to her. And while she spent the next two weeks making all the arrangements for our trip, I was living in the next room with you. I know she felt as if I had rejected her… again," she ended, irritation replaced with regret.
"Hey B, all three of us know that you were in no condition to be traveling. At least not for the first week or so. I mean, you were weak, disoriented and would barely even speak with us. If you had been able to travel, then we would've been here, and you still wouldn't have been with Lena," Maggie replied, attempting to reason with her.
Bianca carefully considered her friend's argument, realizing she had no reasonable rebuttal. "I guess you're right," she sighed. "I'm sorry for being so irritable. I just feel so… guilty, for pushing her away. You know? I mean, think about everything she's done for me. Actually, for us. To make this trip easier. She booked us First Class tickets from Pine Valley into Boston, arranged for all of our transportation from the airport to the ferry docks at Woods Hole and then to the house. She even thought to arrange for our luggage to be delivered, so we wouldn't have to deal with it on the ferry! Not to mention the fact that I know she told you the house would be stocked with food. And my God, Maggie, look at this house! I've only seen the exterior and the living room, and I'm in love with this little place. It's perfect!" She dropped her head and shook it from side to side, saying, "God, Maggie, I feel like such an ass."
Maggie reached out her other hand and tipped Bianca's chin up, grabbing her full attention. "You need to understand that Lena was in seventh heaven when she was making the arrangements for our trip, because she finally found a way that she could help you, without causing your any more pain," she shared. "She planned every detail, with your comfort and safety in mind, because she loves you, not because she expects anything from you in return."
Bianca nodded her head, up and down, indicating that she understood. "Thanks, Maggie," she whispered.
Maggie understood the full meaning behind Bianca's words and said, "You're welcome, B. That's what friends are for, right?" she knowingly declared. "You taught me all about friendship. Now I'm just returning the favor."
She squeezed Bianca tightly one more time and then hopped up from the couch, offering her hand. "Hey, I'm starving. What do ya say we go check out the food situation? See if Lena really knows what college kids like to eat these days? Do ya think she had them pick up the fixin's for nachos?" she laughed.
Bianca laughed along with her, as she accepted Maggie's hand, pulling herself off of the couch. Maggie pulled her into the kitchen where they were both quite pleased to find that Lena did indeed, know about their immense affection for nachos.
After enjoying their snack, they unpacked and settled into their respective rooms. Bianca was concerned about sleeping alone again after having Maggie so close for the two weeks previous. Maggie had been good to her… held her close when the nightmares came… gave her space when she needed time to think. Bianca was overwhelmed with gratitude for Maggie's presence in her life and for the gift of their friendship. Even now, Maggie reassured her that she would be right across the hall and would leave her door open. If Bianca needed her, she was only footsteps away.
Several hours had passed since Lena bid Bianca and Maggie adieu at Pine Valley Airport. Instead of returning to the solitude of their room… the room that had once been their sanctuary… the room that had now become Lena's prison… the place where she was held captive by her memories of Bianca, she had opted for a drive into the mountains that outlined the outer edge of Pine Valley. She soon learned there was no place so far away that she could run to escape the powerful pull of her love for Bianca and the memories they shared.
The early September afternoon was warm and breezy, leading Lena to choose to trek the mountain roads with her windows rolled down. Deeply, she breathed in the freshness of the mountain air. She needed time to think, to allow herself to feel. Something she was powerless to do during the time since finding Bianca in the hotel room that day. Every waking moment since that dreadful afternoon, Lena had focused her attention on finding the perfect place for Bianca to heal—and making certain every detail received the attention it deserved.
From the moment Bianca agreed to go with Maggie, Lena knew the "where," it was the "when and how" that drew her focus. She began thinking about the "where" as soon as she and Maggie had formulated their plan. She remembered a conversation she and Bianca had shared early one morning—a morning following another amazing night filled with lovemaking and quiet exchanges about their lives. Lena had asked her to describe the best summer of her life, and Bianca had revealed the story of the summer she spent with her dad, the year before he passed away. Before the anorexia. Before she faced the task of telling her mother she was gay.
Travis had sensed the turmoil that was thrashing around in his daughter's spirit, and surprised her with a trip to Martha's Vineyard, for a summer filled with fun and togetherness. Bianca spoke of her father with such love and admiration. Lena wished she could have known him.
Bianca treasured every moment she had with her dad that summer—playing on the beach, swimming in the surf, rollerblading in the park.
She explained to Lena how that summer had been the happiest time in her life. "Well, at least it was… until I met you," she had whispered sweetly in Lena's ear. And then she had replaced her whispers with gentle kisses. Kisses that, as always was the case with the two of them, led to so much more.
Lena blushed at the memory of that morning—of every morning, and every night they had spent together. God, I love her… so much. She's my everything. Why did this have to happen, when we were so close to having it all? We fought so long and so hard to find one another again, just to have it stolen from us. And the baby. He even stole that from us. This should have been our child. Not his. God! How is she even dealing with the enormity of all of this? She's so strong! She's my miracle.
Lena returned to her memories of Bianca… her whispers of love and her gentle kisses. She could almost feel that sweet, warm breath, gliding across her skin. Will we ever have that back again?,she wondered. More than anything, she needed to hold on to those memories. To believe they would find their way back to each other.
She reached down and switched on the CD player, and the sounds of Laura Pausini's CD From the Inside began to fill the air, surrounding her in memories of the first night she shared with Bianca.
Several minutes into the CD, the fifth track began to play, the hauntingly appropriate lyrics of It's Not Goodbye, bringing a torrent of emotions, quickly trailed by tears…
And what if I never kiss your lips again?
Or feel the touch of you sweet embrace
How would I ever go on?
Without you, there's no place to belong.
Bianca, my sweet love… I need you so much. My life began the moment I met you… and without you, my heart has no home.
Well, someday love is gonna lead you back to me
But 'til it does, I'll have an empty heart
So I'll just have to believe
Somewhere out there you're thinking of me
My heart aches to hold you again. I have to believe that you will return to me… that we will survive what has happened to you… to us.
'Til the day I let you go
'Til we say our next "Hello"
It's not goodbye
'Til I see you again
I'll be right here remembering when
Oh, Bianca. I remember every moment with you… every touch… every kiss… every whisper in the darkness. I remember…
And if time is on our side
There will be no tears to cry on down the road
There is one thing I can't deny
It's not goodbye.
Take the time you need to heal, My Love. I'll be right here waiting for you. I promise you, when all is said and done, the only tears you will ever cry again will be tears of joy.
You'd think I'd be strong enough to make it through
And rise above when the rain falls down
But it's so hard to be strong
When you've been missing somebody so long
I miss you so much, my Sweetheart. I miss the sound of your voice, whispering to me in the early morning. I miss feeling your body entangled with mine, as we drift off to sleep. I miss your enchanting laughter… your sweet smile. I miss… everything about you. I lost my heart completely the very moment I first kissed you. Bianca, you are my strongest weakness, my only need.
Lena allowed her thoughts to wander as the chorus played through again, and then faded into the next track.
Several hours later, she found herself back in their room at the Valley Inn, still reeling from the magnitude of their situation, battling within herself over her decision not to tell Bianca she knew about the baby. Bianca had been so fragile, so distraught, and Lena was concerned about overwhelming her, but she felt guilty for keeping the truth about her knowledge from Bianca. She had promised: no more secrets, no more lies. The old Lena would have rationalized this until there was no doubt left in her mind that she was right to withhold the information from Bianca. The new Lena—the Lena she had become as a result of Bianca's endless love—knew that withholding the truth was equivalent to the telling of a lie. She was certain Bianca would not be pleased with her deception.
What am I going to do about this? she sighed. I can't betray Bianca's privacy by telling Maggie, but I can't just sit here and do nothing! she reprimanded herself, as she settled into her chair and meticulously considered her next course of action.
The cottage was located on the west outer edge of Vineyard Haven, overlooking thetranquil waters of Vineyard Sound. The view was spectacular, as was the weather in early September.
Later that evening, as the sun was beginning to set, Maggie suggested a walk on the beach. Bianca willingly agreed. They walked for what seemed like hours, talking and laughing. She told Maggie about the summer she spent on this very beach with her dad, and Maggie revealed Lena's secret: she had chosen Martha's Vineyard for that very reason.
Bianca was, once again, moved by Lena's attentiveness to her needs. "I can't believe she remembered me telling her about that summer, Maggie," she shared, her eyes filling with tears.
"Lena loves you, B," Maggie interjected. "There's nothing she wouldn't do for you."
"I know," Bianca replied confidently, a smile playing on her lips, as they continued their walk down the sandy shore.
Bianca felt almost relaxed, for the first time in weeks. She knew in her heart she was about to embark upon the most challenging, even treacherous, journey of her life; but she also knew she didn't have to travel alone. Maggie was with her now, and Lena would be waiting to welcome her home when the time was right. She instinctively knew it was time to begin the long journey home.
Bianca and Maggie quickly developed a daily routine—a comfort zone of sorts. Maggie fixed breakfast in the morning, allowing Bianca the opportunity to sleep as much as her relentlessly tormented mind would allow. They spent the mid-mornings enjoying the ocean view, talking about whatever subject Bianca found comfortable at the moment.
Bianca's body was exhausted from sleepless nights and she developed a routine a taking naps in the afternoon because she had fewer nightmares when she slept during the daytime. While Bianca rested, Maggie spent her time walking the Island, acquainting herself with the sights and sounds of the magical place Lena had chosen for Bianca. She also used this time to call Lena each afternoon, and fill her in on their progress. Lena was appreciative of Maggie's efforts to keep her in the loop. It made her feel as though she were sharing a part in things. It helped her feel closer to Bianca.
Bianca and Maggie worked together to prepare dinner each night, then went for a long walk on the beach as the sun was setting over the water. Again, Maggie allowed Bianca full control of their conversations, hoping that eventually, she would open up and share her pain.
One afternoon, about a week after their arrival on the Vineyard, Maggie walked to the market as Bianca rested. Her mission: To pick up the ingredients for a special dinner she wanted to prepare—a celebration of sorts, because the night before, Bianca spent the first night in weeks without awakening from a nightmare. Maggie knew this was only one night, and there would be many more nights when Bianca wouldn't be so fortunate; still, she wanted her to feel encouraged about things, excited about this turn of events.
When she returned, she found Bianca in the rickety old rocking chair that graced the front porch of the little cottage. Her face was tear-stained and filled with angst. Maggie quickly dropped the bag of groceries and ran to her. "Bianca?" she said, grasping her hands and crouching down in front of her. "What's wrong? What happened?" she inquired.
"Oh, Maggie," Bianca replied, her voice sounding exhausted. "Will this nightmare ever end?"
"Yes, it will," Maggie answered reassuringly. "But you need to actively work on taking your life back. Remember? We talked about that before. You'll never get past what he did to you unless you open up and talk about it, about how it made you feel."
Bianca shook her head back and forth, adamantly. "No! Maggie! I can't," she replied anxiously. "If I talk about it, then it becomes real. It can't… I cannot allow it to be real. I can't let him touch me again. I just…"
Her words trailed off as she the tears began again.
Maggie tightened her hold on Bianca's hands and pressed her forehead against her friend's knees. "I'm sorry, B," she cried. "I'm sorry for everything that's happened to you." She paused for a moment, to catch her breath, and then pleaded, "Please! Bianca. Talk to me."
"I can't, Maggie!" Bianca screamed, as she pushed Maggie away and ran into the house, slamming the screen door behind her.
Maggie drew her knees up against her chest and buried her head in her lap, sobbing. Waves of guilt washed over her, as the self-deprecating thoughts began to assemble in her heart and mind once again. Dammit, Maggie! she chided. All of this could have been avoided if only I could have been like Frankie. If only I could have loved her the way she loved me. Why? Why couldn't I…
She forced her thoughts away from herself and back to Bianca. Bianca is what matters now… getting her beyond the pain. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Stone! Get off your sorry ass and go help your best friend!
With that in mind, she gathered her resolve. It was time for Bianca to talk, and this time, Maggie wasn't backing down. With determination in her actions and love in her heart, she hoisted herself up from the floor of the front porch and went in search of Bianca.
She found her in the living room, curled up in the recliner, her fatigued body convulsing from the force of her sobs. She climbed into the chair behind Bianca and wrapped her arms tightly around her friend, pressing her cheek against Bianca's back between her shoulder blades. "Bianca," she whispered softly, "Please! Please, talk to me. You know it's time. You can't go on like this," she pleaded.
"I can't… I can't… I can't talk about it. I can't do it… I won't," Bianca replied frantically, shaking her head back and forth in protest.
"Yes. You can, Bianca. What you can't do is close yourself off from me right now," Maggie insisted. "I love you. I just want to help you. Please! Talk to me," she implored.
"I'm scared, Maggie," Bianca sobbed.
"I know you are, but I'm here to help you. There's no way around this, B. You can't ignore it. Things will only get worse. The only way to get beyond what he did to you is to face it head-on. You have to walk through the center of the flame to reach the other side," Maggie reasoned. "I'll walk through the fire with you, B. I promise… all the way," she assured.
Bianca turned in the chair and settled into Maggie's arms, like a small child seeking protection. "Promise you won't leave me if I go back to that awful night?" There was a sense of dread spilling through her words.
Maggie clutched her tightly and gently kissed her forehead. "I swear to you, Bianca. I'm with you. I'll take you back there, and bring you home again when you're through. I won't leave you there with him," she whispered reassuringly. "Tell me what he did to you," she encouraged. Forcefully, she held back tears, feeling terrified of what she was about to hear.
Bianca's tears began again, even before she uttered the first words. She attempted to draw in air. Instead, all she managed was a sob. "He hurt me, Maggie. He held me down… and he hurt me. I hear him… I feel him," she sobbed. "He's always with me. No matter what I do, I can't make him go away. I tried to talk to him… to make him go away, but he was so angry… and so strong. He grabbed me and he held me down…"
Violent sobs overtook her, at the thought of reliving that horrifying night. "Maggie, please! Don't make me do this," she begged. "It can't be real again. I can't…"
"Yes, you can, Bianca," Maggie reassured. "I'm here, and we'll get through this together. I promise, B, I won't leave you. Just hold on to me. I'll be your strength."
Bianca hesitantly nodded her head and began, her voice sounding as if she were in some sort of a trance. "I walked home from the park. It wasn't even raining yet… just thunder, lightning and a little wind. I don't even know why the power was out, but when I got home, it was pitch black. I couldn't see anything. But he was there… in the shadows… waiting for me. I walked over to the desk to get the flashlight. And I didn't even see him at first. I didn't even know he was there," she said, wistfully.
Then her voice turned fierce. "He grabbed my wrist and lit his lighter under his face, like a creepy Halloween decoration or something."
Maggie sniffed back tears and struggled to remain strong, as Bianca's recitation continued.
"He asked me to light a candle and tried to put me at ease. He said he didn't mean to scare me, but it didn't matter, Maggie. I saw his eyes. They were cold and angry. And I was terrified. I tried to get him to leave, but he refused to go. I kept thinking someone would come home," she paused, then said, "but no one did," as her voice trailed off to a whisper, ending in another sob.
"Take your time, Bianca. Rest if you need to. We don't need to rush this," Maggie reassured, as she gently stroked Bianca's hair.
"No," Bianca said anxiously; shaking her head. "I need to continue, Maggie. Before I lose my nerve."
Maggie nodded in understanding, and Bianca continued. "When I realized he wasn't going to leave, I tried to keep him calm. God, Maggie! I cannot believe how stupid I was…"
"No, Bianca. You weren't stupid!" Maggie insistently interjected. "You didn't do anything wrong!"
"He wanted me to dance with him. I didn't want to, Maggie… I swear, I didn't… but he forced me."
"I know you didn't," Maggie assured, shaking her head to emphasize her conviction.
Bianca continued, tears caught in her throat. "I wanted to get away, but I didn't know how. It was like I lost the use of my brain. I couldn't think. I was so scared, Maggie. I couldn't get away from the music and the sound of his voice. I was trapped. I made a mistake…"
Maggie interrupted. "No, you didn't, Bianca. None of this was your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Yes, I did, Maggie," Bianca countered. "I pushed him too far… I made him angry. He had me pressed up against him, dancing. I saw the poker from the fireplace. I grabbed it and hit him. Hard. Then I ran for the door, tried to escape. I couldn't get the door unlocked. Why couldn't I get that door unlocked, Maggie?" she sobbed. "It's not like I haven't unlocked that door thousands of times, but I wasn't fast enough, and he grabbed me again."
She paused again, choking back more tears.
"He ripped my shirt… the white, sleeveless one… the one that Lena likes. He tore it so he could touch me. He touched me in places that were meant only for her, Maggie. God!" she sobbed, "How can she even stand look at me, knowing what he did to me? She'll never want to touch me again…"
"Bianca," Maggie snapped, attempting to distract her attention from that perilous trend of thought. "Lena loves you. Remember? She told you that nothing he did changes the way she feels about you. Nothing. Okay?"
Bianca nodded her head in understanding, but that didn't mean she actually believed it. Setting the thought aside, she paused to search her memory before continuing. "I screamed. So loud. But no one heard me. No one except him. It was awful, Maggie," she sobbed. "He was so strong, and I tried to fight him. I hit him and I kicked him, but he was so strong."
She paused again, drawing in ragged breaths, as Maggie watched her, now unable to control her own tears as she listened to the nightmare unfolding before her.
Bianca continued, "I begged him not to hurt me. I said please! God, Maggie, what's wrong with me? Why did I say please? Why didn't I fight harder?"
"No, Bianca. You fought as hard as you could. You tried to stop him. This was not your fault," Maggie replied, urgently.
Maggie's tears flowed freely as Bianca continued. "I tried to pretend that it was someone else… tried to fool myself into believing that I wasn't there. But I was. And so was he. God, Maggie!" she sobbed. "He wouldn't stop… he was tearing me in half. The anger in his eyes… he stared me down, as he forced himself inside me, over and over again."
Bianca broke down in tears again as she finished telling Maggie about that dreadful night. And when it was over, she buried herself in Maggie's embrace and allowed the tears to freely fall.
"I'm sorry, Bianca," Maggie cried, as she gently rocked her friend back and forth. "I'm so sorry. It's over now. You're safe. He can't hurt you anymore," she reassured, as she pulled Bianca closer to her, and held her until their tears finally subsided.
Maggie left Bianca sleeping peacefully in the recliner chair, as she quietly slipped out the back door and down the beach, cell phone in hand. She dialed Lena's now familiar number at Greenlee Enterprises and anxiously awaited the sound of her voice.
"Maggie?" Lena questioned nervously as she picked up the call. "You've already called once today. What's wrong with Bianca?" she asked in a panic.
"Oh! No, Lena. Everything is fine," Maggie offered reassuringly. "I wanted to let you know that Bianca had a breakthrough this afternoon. She finally told me about that night," she shared, a sense of relief washing over both of them.
"Oh, thank God!" Lena replied, her voice a mere exhale. "How is she feeling? Emotionally? Physically?" she inquired, hoping Maggie would reveal that she knew about the baby.
"Lena, I'm sorry to say this, but it's far from over," Maggie apologized. "Emotionally, B is fine one second and a total basket-case the next. Which, don't get me wrong, it's to be expected, but still, I'm concerned. I hate seeing her this way," she said, forcing herself to remain strong. "I'm more concerned about her physically. She's exhausted all the time and often the things she eats eventually make her sick. I'm concerned that she's so emotionally distraught, she's making herself physically ill."
Then, realizing Lena was aware of Bianca's history— the anorexia—she was quick to offer reassurance. "I'm not worried that she's reverting back to old habits, meaning her eating disorder. She does eat. A lot, actually. And she's not being particularly secretive, so I don't think she's transitioned the anorexia into bulimia," she explained. "I know her, Lena. This isn't a voluntary thing."
Lena contemplated all of this information carefully, questioning herself again about the decision to keep her knowledge from Maggie. Still, no amount of pondering would allow her to believe she had the right to reveal Bianca's secret. Not without Bianca knowing she possessed such volatile information. Lena decided, instead, to attempt to nudge Maggie in the general direction and encourage her to delve deeper with Bianca, hoping the truth would be revealed.
"I think you're right, Maggie," Lena replied. "I don't think it's voluntary either. She told me the day we found her in the hotel room, that she didn't want to eat because everything made her sick," she explained. Lena hesitated for a moment, then knowing this was her only option, she continued, "I know it's a lot to ask, Maggie, because she'll probably be very defensive, but do you think you can find a way to approach the subject with her? Get her to open up to you?"
"I'll try, Lena. You know that," Maggie replied, her voice reassuring, yet holding a hint of discouragement.
"Thank you," Lena offered quietly. "For everything you're doing for her… for us."
"You're welcome," Maggie replied. "But you don't ever have to thank me. There's nowhere else I would be right now. I love her, Lena. As much as you do," she said, holding back tears. "I want this nightmare to end, so we can have our Bianca back again."
Lena's eyes filled with tears, as she sensed the emotion in Maggie's voice. "As do I, Maggie," she quietly replied. Attempting to ward off any further outbursts, she ended their exchange with a simple, "Let me know what happens, okay?"
Maggie agreed, and they ended the call.
After ending her conversation with Maggie, and realizing that Bianca was still living indenial over her pregnancy, Lena was rendered completely incapable of concentrating on anything other than the inevitable repercussions of their situation. She grabbed her bag and briefcase and exited her office, asking Casey to cancel her appointments for the afternoon, as she walked out the door and into endless hours of relentless thoughts that were about to besiege her.
Long drives in the mountains had become Lena's solace since Bianca and Maggie had been gone, and she again sought the comfort of their encompassing expanse. She somehow felt protected when enveloped in the splendor of their vast existence. She made her way to a lookout point that she had discovered several days prior, parked her car and walked over to take a seat on top of the picnic table.
Placing her elbows on her knees and propping her chin up with her hands, with tear-stained eyes, Lena stared out at the magnificent landscape before her. The trees were just beginning to change colors ... subtle changes, yet still noticeable to Lena's eyes, as she had never before experienced Pine Valley's rendition of the changing of seasons. Each faint transformation was a new burst of life to Lena… a new point of view.
She wondered where the slight transformation Bianca was experiencing would ultimately lead the two of them. Will she ever find the place where she feels safe again… free to come home to me? Will she ever allow me a chance to tell her that I can love her child as my own… if that's what she chooses? She wondered where Bianca could possibly garner the strength to deal with her pregnancy alone. She's so young… so innocent and vulnerable, Lena reminded herself, as so often she would forget, because Bianca was so intelligent and articulate, so wise beyond her years. She has to be losing her mind. I know I'm losing mine. I can't bear to think of the turmoil she's going through… and feeling as though she has no one to turn to.
"Damn, you—you fucking bastard!" Lena screamed into the mountains. She heard her voice echo back to her in multiplicity, as she dropped her head into her hands and sobbed. God—please let Maggie find a way to get through to her, she silently prayed, unsure that God would even bother with her prayers, but hoping beyond all hope, that He would—for Bianca's sake.
Bianca must know that she has a choice in this matter. No one has the right to steal that away from her. Not the way he stole my…
She stopped her thoughts dead in their tracks, knowing that meandering down that path, allowing her thoughts to go to that place right now, would only distract her from what really mattered: Bianca and her child. I'll stand by her, no matter what she chooses, Lena vowed. The most important thing is that she understands she has a choice.
Maggie wandered the beach for quite a while, quietly searching for the appropriate way to approach the matter with Bianca. Knowing that a relaxed Bianca was always more open to a genuine heart-to-heart chat, she decided a distraction would be useful to accomplish this task.
Upon her return to the cottage, she ascended the front steps, retrieving the long-forgotten groceries from the front porch along the way, all the while hoping that they hadn't spoiled since being so carelessly deposited there. As she walked back into the house, she searched the bag, looking for the item she hoped would provide a much needed distraction for the two of them.
"Hey B," she said, absentmindedly, still searching. Locating the item, she looked at Bianca and smiled, then offered excitedly, "I have an idea. Why don't we get out of here, out of the house, this afternoon? I mean really out," she suggested. "I picked up this brochure while I was shopping. It's for a winery. Chicama Vineyards. They have tours and wine tasting every afternoon."
"I can't," Bianca interrupted nervously.
"Oh, come on, B. You have to get out and start mixing with people at some point," Maggie prompted. "It's not that far away. Just a few miles to West Tisbury. It sounds like a lot of fun."
"I said I can't, Maggie!" Bianca retorted. "Please, just drop it."
"No. I won't just drop it, Bianca!" Maggie argued. "I'm not going to allow you to lock yourself away from the rest of the world any longer. You're wasting away in this house. Let's get out of here for awhile."
Bianca tried to distract Maggie from learning the truth by throwing her a curve. "What's the point, Maggie? They won't serve me anyway! I'm underage and we both know it."
"Come on, B! Don't give me that crap," Maggie retorted. "I know you still have the fake I.D. Frankie made for you. It works in Pine Valley. It will work here too and you know it! What's really going on here?"
"Nothing!" Bianca yelled in irritation. "Just leave it alone!" Turning away, she struggled to hold back tears, hoping Maggie would just drop the issue.
Maggie approached and placed her hands on Bianca's shoulders, leaning her forehead against Bianca's back. "B, I know there's something more going on here. Please, talk to me," she pleaded.
"I can't," Bianca sobbed. "It's too much."
"What's too much?" Maggie asked, her heart heavy. "There's nothing you can't tell me, B. That's why I'm here."
"No matter how much I talk, the nightmare will never end."
"Yes, it will, Honey," Maggie reassured. "The worst is over. Now you just need to begin to deal with the repercussions."
"One of those repercussions, as you call them, will haunt me for the rest of my life, Maggie. No matter what choice I make, I'll always wonder if I made the right one," Bianca countered.
"What choice, B? What are you talking about?" Maggie asked in confusion. "You had no choice in any of this."
Bianca drew in a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I have a choice now…"
Emphasizing the timing, her words trailed off, as the tears began to flow.
Maggie wrapped her arms around Bianca and held her close. "Tell me about it, B. I love you and there's nothing you can't share with me," she quietly reassured.
Bianca lowered her head, grabbed on to Maggie's arms that held her so firmly, and slowly she revealed her secret. "I'm pregnant, Maggie," she sobbed. "What am I supposed to do now?"
At the sound of Bianca's words, Maggie's heart crashed through her stomach. A fit of rage threatened to erupt from her soul, but she managed to stifle it. Hold on, Stone, she cautioned herself. Bianca needs you to be strong. Anger can wait its turn. She maneuvered Bianca to face her, and pulled her into a tight embrace, holding her while they both shed countless tears. She offered reassurances to Bianca between sobs. "We'll figure this out, B. I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you all the way."
Once the tears subsided, Maggie pulled Bianca over to the couch and firmly planted her there. She settled in next to her, gently reaching out to wipe the remnants of Bianca's tears away. "I know you've done a great deal of thinking about this, B," she acknowledged. "What have you come up with so far?"
"Maggie, I've thought this through a thousand different ways—and I've come up with twice as many answers. Most of them not good," Bianca stated. "There are so many unanswered questions, and I'm so confused."
"Tell me what you're thinking. Maybe I can help you sort through some of the questions," Maggie offered, a glint of hope flickering in her eyes.
"So many questions, Maggie," Bianca said, sniffing back tears, her head hung low, shaking from side to side. "If I choose to terminate, will I come to regret my decision later? Will I wonder what might have been?" she questioned.
Maggie nodded, indicating the question was understandable.
"Then again, if I carry this baby to term, and place it up for adoption, will it come back to haunt me twenty-five years from now, the way Kendall did to my mother?" Bianca suggested, remembering the heartache that ensued upon Kendall's arrival.
Another nod from Maggie encouraged Bianca to continue.
"If I keep the child, will I see his face staring back at me every time I hold my baby? What if he tries to claim my child and take it away from me? And what about Lena? How will she react when she learns the truth? Will she still want to be with me? No matter what I decide, I run the risk that my choice will be repulsive to her! God, Maggie! I could go on forever!"
"So, Lena doesn't know about the baby," Maggie replied, more a statement than a question.
"No!" Bianca replied, in agitation. "Lena doesn't know about the baby. And you cannot tell her! Do you understand me?" she commanded. "Please! Don't tell her," she begged.
Maggie closed her eyes to fight back tears, drew in a deep breath and allowed it to leak out slowly. She warred with herself, but only briefly. When push came to shove, she would always choose Bianca. "Okay, B. I promise. I won't tell her," she vowed, then continued, hoping she hadn't lost the opportunity to keep Bianca talking. "But we need to talk through this, one question at a time. Sound good?" she proposed.
Bianca nodded her agreement, and Maggie continued. "Why do you think you might regret the decision to terminate?"
"I keep thinking about this, Maggie. I mean, I'm pregnant… Now. What if this is my only chance to have a child? You know my history, the anorexia. Sometimes the effects of that disease can make it impossible to ever conceive," she explained, certain that Maggie was already aware. "That's one of the reasons I was so shocked when I realized I was pregnant. I screwed my body up so badly and I was always worried that I would never be able to have a child. Especially since I had two strikes against me already—the anorexia and the fact that I'm gay."
"Bianca," Maggie said, with a tone of warning in her voice. "You can't decide to keep this child… his child… just because you think it will be your only chance to be a mom. There are other ways," she reminded her in a gentle, reassuring voice.
"It's not just that, Maggie," Bianca countered, shaking her head. "This child is not just his… it's a part of me, too. A part of my mom, and my dad." She began to tear up at the mention of her father. "I miss my dad, Maggie. So much, I can't even explain it. If he were here right now, he would know exactly what to do," she said, holding back tears.
"Yes. He would, B," Maggie agreed. "But would he tell you what to do? Or would he tell you to trust your own heart?"
Bianca pondered on Maggie's question for several minutes before answering. "He would have faith in me to make the right decision. He would tell me to trust my own heart," Bianca stated, a hint of delight for her father's faith for her, lacing her voice.
"Bianca, I think you already know what you should do. You're just scared of the unknown consequences of that decision," Maggie said, conviction in her voice.
"How can you be so sure?" Bianca asked, shaking her head slowly, her heart filled with doubt.
"I'm going to ask you a question, B, and it may seem really off-the-wall, completely unrelated, but I need you to answer honestly. Okay?"
"Of course I'll answer you honestly," Bianca reassured. "What's the question?" Her face held a hint of confusion.
Maggie paused for a moment, to gather her courage, and then asked, "When you look at me, do you still see Frankie? Still see all the pain of the past?"
"No!" Bianca answered, instantaneously. "I see you. Only you, Maggie," she assured. "Obviously, the resemblance is impossible to deny, but when I look at you, I see beyond the physical. I see your heart. I see who you are inside," she insisted. "I loved Frankie, Mags. With all my heart. You know that. But the two of you are very different people… inside."
Maggie smiled and replied, "I think you've just answered your own question."
Noting the look of confusion on her friend's face, she attempted to explain. "If you can look at me... an exact replica of a girl you loved more than life, and see me for who I am, instead of seeing the pain you went through when you lost her, then surely you will be able to look beyond any resemblance this child might have to him, and see into the heart of your own child."
Bianca remained still, silently contemplating Maggie postulation.
Maggie watched her intently, attempting to read her reaction. At least she's thinking about it, she thought.
Several minutes later, Maggie interrupted Bianca's thoughts, asking, "What are you thinking, B? Talk to me."
Bianca shook her head, as if trying to wipe away dust or cobwebs. "This is one argument that I never even considered. You've given me a lot to think about. I need some time to work this out. Okay?"
"I understand," Maggie offered. "Would you like me to leave you to your thoughts for a while? I could go start dinner if you'd like."
"Thanks," Bianca said, nodding her head in appreciation, as her thoughts returned to Maggie's argument.
Maggie reached over to hug Bianca, then took leave of the living room, and went to start the grill.
Over the next several weeks, Bianca and Maggie spent many hours walking the beaches of Vineyard Sound, or riding the many bicycle paths that the Island had to offer, talking about life and love and everyday things. Maggie made a point of not pressuring her about the baby, allowing her time to ponder her options, at will.
Bianca began to relax a little more each day, began to reclaim the little things in her life. Maggie told her to take back the little things first and the rest would follow in its own time. Bianca's nights were still inundated with nightmares. Sometimes about Michael. Other times about her fears regarding the child she was carrying. But she was slowly reclaiming her waking hours. Maggie said that it was partially due to the fact that she allowing her mind to be distracted by daily life again. Maggie kept her busy, but always left the opportunity for Bianca to talk when she needed to work through a thought or emotion.
Several more days passed, as Bianca turned her conundrum over and over in her head. The war that raged between her head and her heart was beginning to take its toll. It was a never-ending battle that sought to consume her very soul. Her head screamed, "Terminate! Terminate! Terminate! Or that animal will haunt you every day of your life." Her heart whispered, "This is your child, a part of you that you can never reclaim if you terminate. What if Kendall had never been born? Kendall. The sister who placed her life on the line to protect you. What if?"
Maggie came back from her afternoon stroll on the beach, having just ended her daily call with Lena. She found Bianca in the recliner, staring off into space. "Hey B," she interrupted. "What goin' on in that head of yours?"
"I was thinking about the baby, Maggie," she answered thoughtfully. "I don't have much time left to make a decision. I just…"
Her words ended as the tears threatened to spill over.
Maggie grabbed the footstool and moved it over in front of Bianca. Sitting down to face her, she took Bianca's hands in her own. "What is your heart telling you to do?"
"It's telling me to do what I've always done in my life, Maggie. It's telling me to choose the 'Road Not Taken'."
Maggie pondered Bianca's reference, noting how well it truly fit Bianca's life. She had, indeed, always chosen the path most others would have avoided. She could have chosen to hide the truth about her life, to hide her sexuality. Instead, she stood up for who she was and faced the storms.
She could have chosen to close herself off to love after losing Frankie, but she didn't. She stood strong and jumped back in. Yeah. Falling in love with me, next, Maggie chided herself. She could have chosen to walk away from Maggie after their talk at the boathouse that day. Instead, she chose to love Maggie anyway, and accept the friendship that was offered.
Then there was Lena. Countless times, Lena had hurt and disappointed her, yet still, Bianca chose to love. Maggie's heart was overwhelmed with love and admiration for Bianca's endless ability to believe in the power of love.
Maggie was extricated from her thoughts by the sound of Bianca's voice, "Hey, Mags. Where did you go?"
"Huh? Oh!" she replied, startled. "I was just thinking about how amazing you are," she said with a gentle smile. "You have such incredible strength of character, B. I really admire you for that."
Bianca smiled. "Thanks. I don't feel very strong right now," she confessed. "It's you who has been my pillar of strength these past few weeks. I've really needed you, and you've been there for me, all the way." She paused for a moment, to ponder on their friendship, then added, "It's a good thing we never became involved. Ya know? I wouldn't have had anyone to turn to if I'd screwed up our friendship by…"
Maggie dropped her head into her hands. "But if we had, none of this would have happened," she said, shaking her head. Her voice was no more than a whisper.
"What did you say?" Bianca commanded, unable to believe the words she'd just heard.
"Nothing, B. It's nothing," Maggie replied, attempting to brush the statement away. She knew that her own inner turmoil was the last thing Bianca needed to deal with at the moment.
"No! Maggie!" Bianca snapped. "I heard what you said. I just cannot believe that you said it. What are you talking about?"
Maggie began to cry, unable to control the torrent of self-loathing that had been building up inside of her since that day at the Valley Inn. The day Lena had inadvertently caused her see her part in all of this. "I heard what Lena said that day, B," she sobbed. "And she was right. If I hadn't rejected you that day at the boathouse, we would be together right now. You never would have been involved with Lena. Michael never would have existed in your life. None of this would have happened."
Bianca stared at her, speechless, as Maggie gulped in air and continued, "God, B! You don't know how many times I've wished that I were gay. You don't know how much I wanted to love you the way you needed me to. I'm so sorry. I'm just so…"
"Maggie, no!" Bianca interrupted unwaveringly. She tipped Maggie's chin up to look her in the eyes, "You listen to me!" she commanded. "What Michael did, has nothing to do with you…or with Lena, Frankie, my mom, Kendall. None of you! Do you understand me? He is the only one to blame."
Maggie dropped her head into Bianca's lap as she continued to cry.
"Shhh… Maggie," Bianca said, in an attempt to calm her, as she gently stroked her hair. "I don't blame you any more than I could blame any one of the rest of them. Michael is the one… the one who needs to pay."
As they were making dinner that evening, Bianca smiled and asked, "So, how is Lena?"
Maggie jerked her head around and offered a look of confusion in place of an answer. "Don't give me that 'I don't know what you're talking about,' look. I know you call her every afternoon when you think I'm taking a nap," she smiled.
Maggie's face turned from the 'I'm innocent,' look to the 'Shit, I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar,' look, as she attempted to skirt the issue. "How do you know that? You're supposed to be sleeping," she teased.
"You use my cell phone, Maggie," Bianca explained, shaking her head. "It keeps a log of calls, incoming and outgoing."
"I guess I've been busted," Maggie laughed, rolling her eyes. "Lena is fine. She misses you and she's worried about you, but I've assured her, things are going well."
"Good," Bianca declared. "Thanks for being so kind to her."
"She makes it easy, B," Maggie admitted. "Once I took the time to really get to know her, I realized how great she is, and how much she loves you."
Maggie changed directions and quietly asked, "Bianca… about that 'Road not Taken'…"
"Yeah?" Bianca asked tentatively.
"You want to keep the baby, don't you?"
Bianca smiled and slowly nodded her head. "Yes. I do," she shared. She closed her eyes to hold back tears. "I really want this child. My child, Maggie," she said, emphasizing the connection between herself and her unborn baby. "I want things to be different for me than they were for my mom."
"Erica's not going to like this. You know that, right?" Maggie warned.
"Yes, I know," Bianca answered, nodding her head. "In all honesty, Maggie, I don't really care what she likes. I love her, but she can't live my life for me. There's only one other person whose life this would affect as much as it would my own."
"Lena," Maggie offered knowingly.
"Yes," Bianca confirmed. "I need to talk with her. I need to know where things stand between us. I need to know how she would feel about raising this child, knowing who its father is, before I make a final decision," she acknowledged. "I'm not ready to walk back into our relationship right now, but I cannot make a decision of this magnitude without considering her feelings."
Bianca moved to take a place at the table. Maggie followed, listening carefully to Bianca's thoughts and feelings. "My mother allowed anger, hatred and fear to control her destiny. The repercussions of her rape have reverberated throughout her life. They kept her from having any lasting relationships, other than the one she has with me. They kept her from loving Kendall, her own flesh and blood. I won't allow that to happen to me. I just won't tolerate it."
She paused, fighting the emotions that sought to overwhelm her. "My child will know that he or she is loved, no matter the circumstances surrounding the conception, or the decision I make regarding the future. Whether I choose to love enough to hold my child close, or enough to let go, my child will know, Maggie. They'll know I made my decision out of love."
She paused then, losing her resolve, as tears flooded her eyes and slowly trickled down her cheeks.
The decision she now faced was the most difficult one of her life, and she prayed that the decision she would ultimately make would be the best one for her child. Choking back tears, she said, "And if Lena will still have me, after all I've put her through, we'll work together to build a rock-solid future," she vowed. "I'm telling you, Maggie. I refuse to hand the aftermath of my rape down to my child, or to Lena. It will not tarnish the future of another. The silent legacy of victimization ends here."
TBC in Chapter 8: The Reconnection…