Chapter Seven – Pros and Cons

Edward and I looked at each other. I wished that I could read his mind for once; his expression was so serious and intense. His brow was creased and even though he was looking at me I could tell that it was with unseeing eyes. He was taking this man and his bizarre claims seriously. I touched his arm and he jumped slightly. His focus returned to his present surrounds but his expression was no less solemn.

Our visitor's expression was intense too, only in a completely different way; he was excited. His eyes were bright with joy and his face was animated in a way it hadn't been when we'd first found him in the kitchen.

"I'll leave you now," he said in a rushed manner, I'll go and prepare the draught. I will return shortly – don't go anywhere!" The man scurried off to the still open front door rubbing his hands and muttering with glee. He was like a character in a children's pantomime, absurd and exaggerated. I found him very creepy, but the creepiest part was that he seemed to be under the impression that Edward's acceptance of this preposterous claim was a foregone conclusion!

Once he's gone I noticed that Edward was lost in his thoughts again. He stood still as a statue, his head cocked slightly to one side.

"Well, that was weird," I murmured more to break the silence than anything else, even so, I was a little surprised when Edward responded by saying, "Unexpected, was more how I would describe it."

"Yeah, that too."

"So what do you think?" Edward asked

"About our visitor and his story? I think he's a lunatic. And I think I don't really like him being on this island with us."

"He's harmless. He poses no threat."

"I notice you don't disagree with my assessment of his mental state."

Edward smiled. "Yes, he is…uh, eccentric. But he really believes what he's saying. He really believes he can cure me."

"I might be crazy enough to believe I'm the Queen of England, doesn't make it so."

"Bella, I looked into his mind. I read his thoughts. He's an incredibly gifted scientist. He has methodically, carefully, rationally worked on this problem for many years and, yes, it has taken a toll on his sanity but his scientific reason remains in tact."

Realisation hit me suddenly. Whereas I had been distracted by the outside wrapping, the fidgets and ticks, the mumbling and the maniacal laughter Edward had seen the vision and been seduced. "You want to try his antidote,"

I said barely any expression in my voice

"I see no risk in trying."

"Why?" I knew it was a dumb question but it was out before I could stop it.

"Bella, how can you even ask?"

"I know it was a stupid question. You want to do this for me."

"Of course Bella, of course for you! When I think of the trauma and danger I have introduced into your existence all because of what I am and the fact that you have chosen to be with me...It causes me great shame. I can barely live with my selfishness. I justify it because you want me as much as I want you but it doesn't make it right or acceptable."

"We already have a solution."

"It's not a solution. It's a compromise Bella. I don't want to kill you. I don't want you to have this life…to miss out on experiences you are entitled to. I want you to be able to go to college, have a career, not have to repeat high-school over and over and over for eternity. I want you to have your family and friends and children."

I made a strangled sound in my throat. I thought we were passed all this! Edward smiled and placed a cool hand on my cheek. "I know, I know. You've made your decision. You know what you're giving up. It still doesn't stop me wishing it was otherwise." He paused then said absently in little more than a whisper, "Perhaps it can be."

"You're getting your hopes up. I just think you should keep things in perspective…"

"Bella, how can I not hope? What this could mean for me and you; and my family. They could all be offered a choice….but no, you are right, I should not count my chickens before they hatch, so to speak."

I knew he was already doing exactly that. In his mind he and I and the entire Cullen clan were human. I could see it too. We were all gathered together, posed for a family portrait. Rosalie had a trio of curly-haired cherubs at her feet; Emmett held another in his strong arms. Esme held a pretty little girl, she giggled delightedly as Carlisle bent down to kiss her nose. Jasper and Alice gazed at each other lovingly, colour suffusing Alice's cheeks as Jasper whispered something in her ear. Edward stood behind me, holding me close, his hands on my ever so slightly swollen stomach…

I blinked my eyes and the picture was gone. I was quite surprised by the image I'd created in my mind. It had been beautiful but I was exceedingly surprised that I'd constructed myself as pregnant with Edward's child so easily. God, if this is what I, who'd made the decision to become a vampire and leave all human things behind, had imagined in the face if this man's dubious claim I could only imagine what wild fantasy Edward might have concocted. And it could only lead to disappointment. I was angry with myself; I didn't want any of that! I was prepared to make the sacrifice. I spun round to look at Edward. It was on the tip of my tongue to cry out that we should just forget about the man and his crazy claims and that I wanted Edward to just bite me now! I didn't want to think about things I couldn't have. That would only breed discontent. Edward's face stopped my words. He was still deep in thought but he had a light in his eyes that I'd never seen before. He wanted what this man was offering more than anything.

"You're going to do it," I stated.

"I am certainly considering it."

"But…" I stopped. I had no right to stop him from trying even though, for some reason, I was suddenly terrified.

"But what?" Edward asked with genuine concern.

"We don't know if it's safe. What if there are side effects? What if you age rapidly? What if you've still got the disease that was killing you?"

I was trying to control my growing hysteria. He was only seeing the pretty picture, now all I could see was the nightmare. I didn't want to voice the one big thought that was now echoing endlessly in my mind but my mouth functioned by its own volition. "What if it kills you?" I spat the words out with terrified fury.

Edward froze momentarily and then, before I realised his intent, his arms were around me, holding me close in a protective cocoon.

"Shhh, Bella," He soothed, "Don't think such things."

"I can't help it." I felt a little bit calmer but I wasn't sure if this was a good thing. My fear had been keeping my tears at bay and now they were escaping with rapid regularity. I didn't want to be so pathetic. Edward just held me close and kissed the top of my head.

"I know you're scared Bella, but believe me when I tell you I would never do anything that would threaten my life with you. Like I said, I don't see any risk. There can be no harm in trying."

"You can't know that. Not for sure."

"True, but…look at it this way; you've seen vampires being destroyed. You've seen what it takes - great brutal force, and fire. Bella, technically I'm dead already, I don't think this will hurt me. It will either change me or do nothing at all but it won't 'kill' me."

"How can you know?"

"How can we know anything for certain? Bella you are willing to undergo a transformation for me even though the outcome cannot be known with any

Surety. Does it surprise you that I am prepared to make the same sacrifice for you?"

"Of course not. But I just can't risk you"

"And now you know how I feel."

"Don't you want to talk about it with your family, with Carlisle?"

"It's a leap of faith Bella. And I don't want to get anyone else's hopes up, or for that matter, offend anyone. If it works then obviously we'll tell them but if it doesn't we'll never speak of it again."

I had run out of arguments. So now, the best I could do was hope that Edward was fully prepared for what he was planning on doing. "I think you should go and talk to our new friend, ask him some questions. Maybe find out his name."

"That's a good idea. It will ease your mind."

"Don't do anything rash. I mean, come back here before you, you know, take the potion."

"I will," he promised, kissed my lips tenderly then swiftly departed with vampire speed.

In a kind of daze I went and sat on the beach. The sun still quite high but I found a small patch of shade garnered from a bushy palm tree. The ocean shimmered like jewels in the sunlight while a gentle breeze played with loose tendrils of my hair. The idyllic surrounds belied the turmoil of my mind. I thought of Edward and that spark of hope I'd seen in his eyes. I thought again of that intoxicatingly pretty family portrait, of the human Cullen's. I tried not to but I wasn't in complete control. The mental images had a will of their own. Without even trying the picture zoomed in on Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen. And they were beautiful and happy and they had colour in their cheeks and a baby on the way. They made it easy to forget my fears for Edward. This, or something very similar, is what Edward was imagining too. No wonder he wanted to give the man the benefit of the doubt.

This was what he wanted. Suddenly I remembered his words of a conversation we'd had a while ago when the contentious subject of marriage and transformation had first been under debate; 'if I were human' he'd said…what had made him speak that wish? I replayed the conversation in my mind – ah, of course, the comment had been prompted by the fact that I was giving up any chance of motherhood. It disturbed him. He'd seen Esme and Rosalie have to cope with the loss of that exact opportunity and didn't think that I should, so willingly, forgo that possibility. Perhaps that was why I was so absurdly ready to cast myself as expecting in my glorious human-o-visions; because it was the most tangible benefit of humanity – the ability to procreate through love.

I sighed to myself. I wondered how much longer Edward would be. I wanted to, no, I needed to tell him that he had my full support no matter what he decided to do. Sure, there was a small part of me that was, to be honest, a little miffed. I'd been prepared to make the sacrifice, give up my life as human so that Edward and I would be together forever. That decision had not been easy! It had been long thought out, scary and I'd changed my mind like a million times but I'd finally got there. I'd married Edward so that he could be the one to do it…and now, maybe, all that gut wrenching, soul-searching agony was for nothing. I'd mentally prepared myself for immortality as much as one humanly could and now it looked very much like I would have to give up my dream, maybe, if things went Edward's way, which they usually did. (Okay, so my claim to have definitely reached the decision might be stretching the truth a little, yeah I know, I'm still in two minds and very much up in the air as to when the big event was going to actually happen. I'm having a rant. I don't have to be one hundred percent logical!). I felt myself getting hysterical.

Edward.

I thought of him, his beautiful hope-filled face and laughed at my own silly thoughts. If this worked out, I'd get to stay human, Edward would be exceptionally happy and I'd still get to be with him forever. If it didn't work? Well that would be another story all together….