Puck had to wait three whole days for that punk to show up at school.
Puck knew Jesse was back when he spotted a floppy-haired muppet floating through the halls as if he was on some big, pretentious cloud made up of his own hot air.
Wow, an angry Puck was a poetic Puck.
Puck waited until Jesse was close to the corner of the school he fondly referred to as his "Bullying Corner" before he made his move.
The corner was secluded enough that students with grievances could usually get a few good punches in before being broken apart by a teacher.
Puck only needed to make one punch count.
Puck grabbed Jesse's arm, and pulled him behind the wall.
"What the hell?" Jesse said as he wondered what was going on.
Puck was an old pro at this, and at first he liked to lull his victim into a false sense of security. It was more fun that way.
"Hiya buddy. We've missed you these past few days. Where yah been?" Puck asked keeping things casual.
A bright sheen of sweat broke out on Jesse's face, so Puck knew that he was nervous.
"I was out with the flu," Jesse explained.
"Oh, that must have sucked. I heard one of those animal strains was going around…dog flu, or gorilla flu…" Puck scratched his chin in thought, "or maybe it was wolverine flu, I hear that's the worst kind."
Jesse didn't know if Puck was messing with him or not, but he erred on the side of caution.
"Yeah, it must have been one of those," Jesse said vaguely. "All I know is that I was in the bathroom day and night, and it definitely wasn't for a fun reason."
Puck continued to pretend to be concerned. "Did you drink lots of fluids? When you're sick it's important to stay hydrated."
"I sure did," Jesse responded. "I drank so much Gatorade, I might as well own stock in the company."
Puck was getting bored with this chit-chat. He needed to turn up the heat.
He leaned in a bit closer. Jesse's back was already pressed up against the wall, so he had nowhere to run.
Puck gestured to the sweat coming out of Jesse's pores, "All that liquid you drank appears to be exiting your body as we speak."
"I switched deodorants recently, and I guess I'm just not feeling all that 'sure' these days," Jesse explained.
"Hmmm, that must be the smell I smell then," Puck said sniffing the air. "I could have sworn it was fear though. You're not scared, are yah Jesse?"
"I've been known to get scared on occasion. For instance, bugs kind of freak me out. Also, I shudder when I hear people who refuse to sing from their diaphragm. Right now though, I'd say I was more curious than anything else. Why'd you pull me over here?"
Time to get down to business.
"I wanted to ask you a question," Puck replied.
"Ask away."
Puck sneered menacingly, "I was just wondering if there was anything you don't like about your face."
"What?" Jesse questioned.
Puck cracked the knuckles on both of his hands. "I wanted to know if you had any special requests before I rearranged your face for you. Perhaps your nose would look better an inch to the left."
Jesse's hands instantly shot up as a barrier between himself and Puck.
"Before you provide me with free plastic surgery, don't I at least get to know why you're so angry? Did I do something to you?"
"You did something to Rachel, which affects glee club, which then affects me. If Rachel can't sing because her heart has been stomped on by the likes of you, then yeah you deserve the tsunami of pain that's coming."
Puck expected Jesse to beg for his life, what he did not anticipate was Jesse letting out a sarcastic laugh.
"A weather metaphor, how cute. Listen up because I'm only going to say this once. I haven't done anything to Rachel. Please don't try and use the welfare of the glee club to mask the fact that you're jealous of my relationship with her. I'm beginning to understand why she dumped you. Maybe she couldn't handle your delusional and angry outbursts."
Two punches.
Puck was going to need at least two punches to set this kid straight.
"I'm not delusional; I was there in the auditorium, jackass. I overheard you talking to Shelby."
Keeping up his smug façade, Jesse said, "How nice for you. Have you told Rachel yet? What was her reaction?"
Her reaction was an impersonation of Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. Instead of another chick boxer though, Rachel's target had been Puck's abdomen.
Puck certainly wasn't going to tell Jesse any of that though.
"I told Rachel everything. She now knows what a lying piece of scum you are."
"Are you sure she believed you? Trusting information from a secondhand source can be tricky, especially when that info comes from a guy who has no trouble making up facts and forging a letter."
Puck felt bile rise up in the back of his throat.
Jesse lowered his voice and said in a whisper, "Between you and me though, I can see why you went for Rachel. She's a hot piece when her mouth is shut and her skirts are short. Ever notice how wide her mouth gets when she sings, just imagine the things she could do in the right circumstances…"
Puck pulled his fist back, and launched it forward. He was scant inches away from Jesse's face when he caught a flash of pink in his peripheral vision.
Rachel tried to pull Puck's arm back, but she was a little too late. She did manage to knock Puck's trajectory off a bit so that his fist glanced off Jesse's jaw instead of hitting him square in the face.
"Let go of my arm," Puck said while breathing hard.
"No, not until you calm down."
"He deserves to pay for what he's done," Puck insisted.
Jesse took advantage of Puck's distraction to move a few steps out of the way just in case Rachel didn't get through to him.
"This isn't going to solve anything," Rachel replied.
Puck took a moment to look down at the tiny splint that had been on Rachel's thumb the past few days. Rachel had a slight hairline fracture on her knuckle from her improper punching technique.
"Do you really want to talk about the virtues of abstaining from violence right now?" Puck asked.
Rachel tried to ignore his knowing look. "You are not going to hurt Jesse…" she said before pausing.
Aw hell, Puck was disappointed. Rachel must still have feelings for the jerk.
"…here," Rachel finished her thought. "You can't hurt him here; people could walk by and see us. We need a more discrete location. Do you know of any good places Noah?"
Jesse was surprised, and not in a good way. "You can't actually condone his hurting me?"
"I need answers Jesse, and I'm going to get them…one way or another."
Thatta girl, Puck thought with a bit of pride as he thought of the perfect location to take his "guest."
"So you're absolutely certain that the janitor won't be back for at least another forty-five minutes?" Rachel asked Puck while standing in a crowded supply closet.
"I'm positive. The new guy they hired only works part-time. Plus, he's a total boozer. I discovered his stash behind that shelf when I was looking for a quiet place to nap during the day. You'd be surprised how good of a pillow a 12-pack of Charmin toilet paper makes."
Rachel walked over and picked up a package of tp. She gave it a little squeeze, "Hmm, this is very soft. They must give it to the teachers though because the toilet paper in the girls' room is as rough as sandpaper."
"You're lucky you get any paper at all, there's never any in the boys' bathroom. Sometimes, someone brings in a magazine that people can rip pages from. I generally use the boring newspapers or Oprah's magazine cause she thinks she's better than everyone else…ooh look at me…I have enough money to buy a whole studio audience a brand new car and at night, I still get to take money baths in my gold Jacuzzi. I usually leave Martha Stewarts' magazine alone though because at least she's been to jail. That's kind of hard core."
Rachel nodded her agreement.
"Uh guys, can we get on with this?" Jesse asked while sitting on an over-turned mop bucket in the middle of the tiny room.
"I'll be asking all the questions here," Rachel informed him. "You better tell the truth because I'll know if you're lying to me, and Puck will make you regret it."
Puck was impressed by Rachel's dominance, and fantasized what she might do to Jesse while wearing thigh high boots and cracking a whip.
On second thought, Puck had been bad too, and he deserved to be punished.
Puck pushed those thought from his head (momentarily) so that he could focus.
He remained standing by the door, while Rachel began her interrogation.
Rachel paced in a little circle while formulating her questions.
"Mr. St. James, were you actually afflicted with some sort of illness that prevented you from attending school this past week?"
"Not per se."
"Did you spend your time practicing routines from Vocal Adrenaline that were videotaped specifically for you?"
Jesse fidgeted on the bucket, so Puck shot him a warning glance. Jesse had the good sense to restrict his movement immediately.
"Yes, a majority of my time was spent rehearsing."
Rachel continued her pacing.
"While here, did Shelby want you to spy on us and report back to her?"
"No, not specifically."
"Did you tell her anything regardless?"
"She knows a few songs that we might sing, but I haven't told her anything about arrangements or choreography."
Puck had to interrupt. "Not 'we' Jesse, I think you mean the songs that Rachel and I will song, along with our true teammates."
"Fine. Whatever. The songs that you guys will sing."
Rachel stopped pacing and stood directly in front of Jesse. She looked down and stared him straight in the eye. "Did you know Shelby was my mother when you agreed to come here?"
This was the question that Jesse had been expecting all along, but dreading the most.
"I swear to you Rachel that I had no idea she was your mom. She only told me a couple of days ago. Looking back, I realize that I probably should have known you two were related, you look like twins. It's actually kind of creepy."
Puck had to agree, the resemblance was uncanny. For a mom (and Puck knew a lot of moms), Shelby was pretty hot.
"Puck said that you would have a tape for me."
Jesse nodded at the corner where Puck had carelessly thrown his backpack, "It's in my bag."
Puck unzipped the bag and rooted around until he felt a small, rectangular tape.
"Got it," he told Rachel.
"What's on the tape?" She asked Jesse.
"I have no idea," he replied honestly.
"Just one more question and then you are free to go," Rachel assured him.
Puck was getting bummed. His chances of pounding Jesse's face in were decreasing by the minute.
"What was supposed to happen after you got me to listen to the tape? Were you just going to go back to your old school and forget you ever met me?"
Puck guessed that this was probably not the best time to inform Rachel that that was actually two questions. She seemed upset enough as it was. He was just gonna let things play out.
Jesse got a look on his face that said he would rather be anyplace else in the world than answering this question right now, but Rachel was shooting daggers from her eyes in his direction.
"The plan all along has been for me to rejoin my group right before Regionals. So yeah, as soon as I got you to listen to the tape, I was going to break things off."
Rachel tried to appear impassive, but Puck couldn't help but notice that her bottom lip was quivering the slightest bit. She was struggling to keep it together.
Rachel's voice got lower, and she said barely above a whisper, "Did you ever have any feelings for me at all, or was it just an act?"
Warning bells began going off in Puck's head, and he wanted to shout Abort! Abort! He knew this was not going to end well.
Puck stepped away from the door, and closer to Rachel.
"Listen Rachel, who cares what this loser thinks. Maybe it would be better if…"
"Shut it, Puckerman!" Rachel shouted. "I want him to answer this."
Jesse stood up from the mop bucket and faced Rachel. "You of all people should know that it's called show business for a reason. People's feelings are bound to get hurt, otherwise they would rename it 'show good will towards your fellow man'…and that's just not as catchy. Take comfort in the fact that what I did to you wasn't personal, it was only a job. Shelby told me to do something, and I did it…simple as that. The only feelings I have for you are those of sympathy. Now that I get to leave this pathetic dump-hole, my glee club is going to annihilate yours. Does that answer your question?"
Maybe Puck was gonna get to do some punchin' afterall.
Puck stepped menacingly towards Jesse, but Rachel held an arm out to hold him back, again.
"It's alright Noah, I asked and he answered."
Rachel looked at Jesse. "The only person I feel sorry for in here is you. Vocal Adrenaline is a group made up of soulless, aging robots who couldn't connect to music in a meaningful way if it was attached to them through an umbilical cord. You're all washed up. Your reign is about to end, and New Directions is more than willing to take your spot. I hope you enjoy your second place finish."
In the words of the black girl in glee whose name Puck couldn't remember at the moment, Oh Snap!
"That sounds like an open declaration of war to me. Are you sure you want to do that Rachel? Things could get pretty ugly," Jesse warned.
"Bring it," Rachel replied simply.
Jesse winked at her and left.
Puck sat down on the empty bucket. "What an ass," he commented to fill the silence.
"I don't want to talk about him anymore," Rachel said as if trying to convince herself.
"That's cool with me. Do you want to talk about what's on this tape," Puck asked as he threw it in the air.
Rachel caught it cleanly before he got a chance to.
"I'm not even sure I want to listen to it. I have two great dads already. Do I really need a mom to complicate things?"
Puck just shrugged because he didn't want to say the wrong thing.
Rachel slipped the tape in her pocket. She would make a decision about it later. Right now, there was something else that was on her mind.
"Hey Noah, thanks for trying to defend my honor in the hallway. I really appreciate it. Since I've been avoiding you these past couple days, we never got a chance to talk about what happened in the parking lot. I'm so sorry that I lashed out at you. I was upset and confused, and you got in the way. I hope I didn't hurt you."
Puck nodded towards her splinted thumb, "Looks like you got hurt more than I did."
Rachel half-smiled. "I guess I shouldn't have tucked my thumb in huh?"
"You're damn right. Next time you're in a fight, you should try and go for the soft and vulnerable spots on a guy's body…the groin, the solar plexus, or the kneecap. You should have never aimed for my abdominals because, as you can see," Puck lifted his t-shirt up for a quick second to illustrate his point, "they're pretty rock solid."
Rachel was disappointed when Puck's abs disappeared from sight all too soon. "I'll try to remember that, even though I don't plan on getting into anymore fights."
"If you didn't want to fight, then you probably shouldn't have declared war on he-who-must-not-be-named and his gang of 'soulless, aging robots.'"
"I declared war on them in the musical sense. The stage at Regionals will be our boxing arena, if you will. We're going to duke it out there."
Puck looked skyward in exasperation. Rachel had come pretty far from the naïve, innocent girl that she had been when they had first met, but she still had a long way to go.
"Rachel, declaring war now means pranks and attempts at sabotage. Jesse is gonna go back to Vocal Adrenaline, and I guarantee that they are going to try something soon."
Rachel looked worried. "What are we going to do?"
Destruction, mayhem, and retaliation were Puck's domains. For once, he knew exactly what needed to happen.
"We come up with a game-plan. During practice, we tell the other glee members to get ready for what's coming. We need to strike first before the other team gets a chance to organize."
"I'm not good with pranks," Rachel stated.
"That's okay," Puck assured her, "I have a whole list of them in my locker. I've been writing them down since I was old enough to write, and I've come up with some pretty good ones."
Rachel seemed unsure, but she appreciated Puck's enthusiasm. "I guess I'm okay with defending the group as long as it doesn't interfere with our rehearsal time."
Puck rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Don't worry; we'll get our practice time in while having fun teaching those jerks a lesson."
Rachel smiled her first genuine smile of the day. "Sounds good. We should probably get out of here and go to class. Do you want to meet at lunch and discuss strategy?"
Now it was Puck's turn to smile. He couldn't remember the last time he and Rachel Berry had had lunch together as friends. "Sure, go ahead and I'll catch up with you at lunch. There's something I have to do here first."
Puck waited until the door had closed completely behind Rachel before he headed towards the shelf. He had to reach behind canisters of sawdust (used for the pukey kids who had trouble digesting school lunch) and bottles of spray cleaner until he found what he was looking for.
Puck pulled out one of the cans of beer and popped the top.
He held the can out and air toasted the absent janitor for providing the contraband. Even though the beer was warm, it went down fast and smooth.
When he was finished, Puck crushed the can in his hand.
He was feeling pretty great at the moment. He had taken down Jesse, he had convinced Rachel to trust him again, and now he got to lead a prank war against a rival school. Puck felt like he was invincible.
Before leaving, Puck couldn't help but congratulate himself. He dusted off his shoulders and said, "Pucky Puck, you da man!"
Puck's buzz was killed when the knob to the closet was turned quickly and the door swung open.
"Hey Janitor Jenkins," Puck said while hiding the crushed beer can behind his back.
A middle-aged man with tufts of white hair replied, "What are you doing in here kid?"
Puck had to think fast. He went over to the shelf and grabbed one of the cans of sawdust. "I heard they're serving tuna noodle casserole for lunch, and my friend has a weak stomach. I figured I'd save you some time and just grab this now."
"Good lookin' out kid," the janitor replied, "that stuff looks the same going in and coming up. I don't see how it could pass the state's food safety regulations."
"I know right." Puck inched towards the door. "Okay well see you later."
"Hold up kid," the janitor said.
Crap. This dude was totally harshing Puck's mellow.
"You better take an extra can just in case. That stuff at lunch is lethal."
Puck took the proffered can and gave a mock salute. He managed to make it out of the closet without the remnants of his beer being seen.
Puck breathed a sigh of relief. As he walked down the hallway, he looked at the cans of sawdust in his hands and had an excellent idea.
He knew exactly what his first prank was going to be.