101 Ways to Bug Draco Malfoy: The Tales of a Protagonist with Questionable Sanity
Chapter 7: Poor Uzic!
"Kinna, you're a GENIUS." Ron said for the third time since we'd sat down at breakfast.
"I know." I said for the third time since we'd sat down at breakfast.
"What happened after?" Harry asked eagerly.
"I dunno- I got the hell outta there." I shrugged. "I assume there was crying. Maybe some more screaming. 'Oh, no, Mr. Moody! Please don't make the ferrets eat my eyes! Aaah!'" I put on a squeaky, terrified voice… Just as Super Ferret Man himself stalked by.
I smiled evilly at him.
He glowered glowering-ly at me.
"D'you suppose he knows it was you?" Ron asked, eyeing Malfoy as he slunk towards the Slytherin table.
I shrugged. "If he didn't before, he does now."
"Kinna, you're a genius."
"I know, Ron. I know."
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"Eurgh." I groaned as we trumped down to the dungeons for our first Potions lesson of the year. "If only school didn't have classes, I might actually like it…"
My friends flanked me as we walked into the room, knowing t hat Professor Slughorn would be waiting to cheer on his handpicked favorites, the Slug Club.
Of course, you can imagine my surprise when I waltz into a classroom, expecting to find a stout man who rather resembles an armchair, and instead find a man who greatly resembles a pale, overgrown bat with a hooked nose that rather resembles a fleshy banana.
"BAT ALERT! BAT ALERT!" I screeched, throwing myself under a table. "WHERE'S PROFESSOR ARMCHAIR? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I'd seen Harry, Ron, and Hermione stiffen, although the former two were struggling to hide grins at my rapid reaction.
"Miss Shadow. A… pleasure… as always." Professor Severus Snape sneered. "Five points from Gryffindor, for your… Amusing performance."
"I scrabbled to my feet and faced my altogether second least-favorite teacher I've ever had. For those wondering, Umbridge, the Toad-Faced Wonder, made Snape look tame. "Always a pleasure to see you, too, sir." I smiled as genuinely as I could. I was pretty sure it came out as a toothy grimace. "You know, Professor, I'd actually gotten you a gift over the summer, but I never had a chance to give it to you."
"Excellent. Take your seat, Miss Shadow." Snape looked bored.
"I really hope you like it, it cost me lots of money, at least 5 Galleons-"
"Take your seat, Shadow." Snape was starting to get pissed. Excellent. Harry, Ron, and 'Mione had already sat down, and were watching me with mixed emotions as the classroom slowly filed. Harry- intrigue. Ron- humor. Hermione- worry. All were terrified for my life.
"Do you want to know what it is, Professor?" I asked eagerly.
"Will it make you take your seat?" Snape asked exasperatedly.
"Yessir, Professor Snape, sir!" I chirped.
"Then, please, enlighten us all with whatever trivial possession you bought for me." Snape sighed.
"Why, Professor," I grinned widely. "I bought you a large bottle of anti-grease shampoo!"
If my friends hadn't been terrified for my life before, they were now. The classroom was full of strangled laughs- nobody was brave enough to giggle out loud. Snape's face went from pale to normal colored, to red, to blue, and, finally, purple. I could tell that he was going to do one of three things: let loose a doozy of a speech, make sure that Gryffindor couldn't win the House Cup until I graduated, or give me detention for pretty much the rest of my school life.
"Miss Shadow…" Snape's voice was soft, cold, and full of menace. "Detention. Every Saturday evening."
"For how long?" I asked, bored. Punishments are no fun when you already know what they are.
"Until I decide otherwise." Snape sneered. Again, I'd anticipated that answer.
The classroom was fully filled by now; so many people had watched this interaction. I shrugged, and went to sit in the empty spot next to Hermione.
"Not there, Shadow." Snape smirked. "Your permanent partner is Mr. Malfoy."
You'd think that there would come a point when my defective but loveable brain would decide that I'd gotten into enough trouble already, but…
"!" I screamed. After a few seconds, I realized that another voice was screaming with me, and turned to see Draco Malfoy, also with his mouth wide open, presumably making noise.
"Why are you punishing me?" Malfoy whined. "I didn't do anything wrong!"
"Ah, Draco, as much as I wish that I'd thought up with particular punishment for Miss Shadow, I can't take credit," Snape sneered. "This order came straight from the Headmistress."
Malfoy and I made eye contact for but a moment, and then rushed to the door at the same time. On my way out of the dungeons, though, I did hear Snape yell, "Potter! Weasley! Granger! No sympathetic looks to your friends! 5 points from each of you, and you'll join her in detention this Saturday!"
Oh, how I'd missed him. Sarcasm.
Malfoy and I tore through the halls of our hallowed school, and what had started as an innocent mad dash for the Headmistress' Office turned into a very competitive footrace.
I'd like to say that I would've won without tripping him on the stairs (which was a great move, because he fell right into that trip step that falls through and won't let you go until you sing the ABC's.), but we would've tied. As much as I hate him, I give people credit where it's due. Malfoy's fast. I made it to the gargoyle outside the professor's office about a minute before Malfoy did, and spent those 60 seconds trying to guess McGonagall's password.
"Couldn't you give me a hint at all, Dave?" I asked the gargoyle impatiently. He shook his head.
"Not even a little?" Dave shook his head again.
"You know, you suck." I scowled at Dave.
"You know that you're talking to a rock, right?" Malfoy was leaning against the wall behind me, running a hand through his perfectly styled and gelled hair. Most girls would probably have swooned. As it was, my breath caught in my throat- but that's because I was internally gagging.
"You know that you're an asshole, right?" I chirped. "If you're so fantastic, you get the bloody door open."
Malfoy pushed past me to get to the gargoyle. When he touched me, it felt like an electric shock coursing through my skin.
"Malfoy, what the hell?" I said irately. "You can't hex me in front of the Headmistress' office!"
"What are you blabbering about, Shadow?" Malfoy looked honestly confused, which only served to befuddle me even more.
"You mean, you didn't use a Shocking Hex on me just now?" I asked, now thoroughly confused.
"Shadow, I've long thought you insane, but this just tipped the iceberg. You're bat-crap crazy!" Malfoy gaped. "Do you honestly think that I'm mental enough to hex another student here of all places?"
"Sometimes I wonder…" I muttered.
"Well, then. I'm going to get us into that office." Malfoy leaned down and whispered to Dave, whose stone eyes got wide and started to look progressively more like marble than granite. After a bit, Malfoy stepped back, and I asked Dave a question.
"So, can we go in, now?"
Dave leapt aside faster than an elephant faced with a mouse, or Lord Moldy-Shorts when confronted with a hug. Malfoy and I walked past, and I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
"What exactly did you tell him?"
Malfoy grinned. "I only told him what really happened to that statue of Uzic the Ugly that used to be in the Charms corridor."
"What!" I squealed. "How did you know about that? There was nobody around! I mean, I was out after curfew, and- Sweet Merlin, you were stalking me, weren't you?"
Malfoy sighed. "No, you idiot. I was out after curfew doing my own thing, and just happened to see you trip quite klutzily into it. Poor Uzic."
I growled, rapping on McGonagall's door. It opened almost instantly.
Professor McGonagall didn't look surprised to see us at all. In fact, the first thing she said was, "Ah. Mr. Malfoy. Miss Shadow. Come in, I've been expecting you."
The first thing I said was, "Why did you say Rat-Face's name first?"
The first thing Rat-Face said, rather rattily, was, "My face looks nothing like a rat!"
"I think you'll find it does."
"Does not!"
"Does too."
"Does not!"
"DOES TOO TIMES TEN!"
Author's Note: Heyyy, remember last time when I said that I was going to update moor frequently? Well, looks like I lied. Oops. Eh heh. As always, leave a review! Tell me what you think, flame me out, or give me ideas for evilness. Oh, and I'm sorry that there were no pranks this time, but I really thought that was a good place to end the chapter. I'll try to ramp up the amusement next time.
…How about that Very Potter Sequel? I absolutely LOVE Team StarKid. If you haven't seen A Very Potter Musical or A Very Potter Sequel, got to .com and search 'starkidpotter'. Then you should be able to find them. I'm going to end up using a few quotes from those and other funny things that I enjoy, so, if you recognize it, feel free to give it a shout-out in a review. If you've seen these hilarious YouTube things, then you'll understand my humor when I toss out the quotes.