Susan (1907)
Susan wasn't quite at ease with herself and was glad when she suddenly realised what she could do – she would visit the Ragavich family for Christmas. She was eighteen and felt old enough to travel alone. Anna thought it a god idea. "You are almost like a daughter to me" she wrote "and I know Gregorij will be pleased."
Susan was a little nervous to meet her half-brother again. She hoped he was no longer in love with her and that he could see her only as a sister. He was the first one to greet her, putting his hands around her waist and kissing her loudly on both cheeks the Russian way. "Welcome little sister" he said in Russian. "Good to see you again."- "I'm glad to hear you say that and I'm very pleased to be here." Anna also was at the station and the two women embraced each other.
The following evening there was a small party, one of many balls taking place during the holidays. Susan wore an elegant new white dress, which emphased her black hair, adorned by her diamond slide. "It's good I now see you as a sister" Gregorij said "otherwise I had been completely enchanted by you". Susan met Gregorij's younger sister Irina, now a sweet blond fifteen year old young lady. There were many people at the party, including young girls. "You are not interested in any of them?" Susan asked. "Not so far. But I see how the young men look at you." Suddenly she saw a man and asked Anna "Isn't that.." – Anna smiled "Yes it is. It's Michail. I didn't know he was in Moscow." He turned and she waved him to come to them. They hugged. "How nice to see you! When did you come to Moscow?" – "Just the other day" – "Are your family with you?" – "Unfortunately no. Petruschka wanted to stay at home with the children. She feels uncomfortable in a big city and among so many people." – "Everything good at your new farm?" – "Yes, and Vladimir is four and Elizaveta just one, so there is much job with the children too."
Susan studied Michail with interest. It was six years since she last saw him and he didn't look much older. The recent years must have had a calming influence on him. He was still handsome, wearing his suit with style, his hair still blond with some stains of gray. He had the air of an old bon vivant and charmer. How old could he be? Fiftyeight? His daughter's name was Elizaveta – so he hadn't forgotten Elisabeth. Now his eyes fell on her. "We have a visitor, as you see" Anna said. Susan felt his gaze. It revealed admiration and appreciation. She felt it almost physical and her skin heated. "Who is this beautiful lady? Don't tell me – it's Erik's daughter grown up, Susan Leroux. Last time I saw you you were a girl of twelve – now you are fully grown up." He kissed her hand. She trembled . At that moment she fully understood Elisabeth's feelings for this man. "Susan is also Gregorijs half-sister, and they like to see each other. " – "Gregorij is my godson" Michail said "what he likes, I like."
Later on Anna told Susan about Michail. "He hasn't been I Moscow for some years" she said. "Only once since he got married. I wonder what his visit now means. I hope he hasn't grown tired of rural life."- "Have you met his wife?"- "Yes, Gregorij and I went to see them once after the son was born. She is sweet and a little provincial. Loving – just what he needs."
Susan danced with Gregorij and some of the other young men at the party. Then Michail asked her to dance. "I have heard of you by rumours" she said. "And no good rumours, I believe. I loved Elisabeth once, you know that. I presume you heard the whole story, the boat accident and all." – "But before that you were a big charmer, flirting with many women.." – "Long time ago, I have settled now." They danced for a while. "You really are your father's daughter" he said. "I don't see so much of your mother in you." – "You were not real a friend of my father's." – "No, I wasn't. But I put Gregorij down on his credit, that I do. " – "What do you mean? Most people would think he should be ashamed of what he did." – "No, I appreciate him for it. I'm close to Anna – I know what he meant to her – and what the child meant." Susan smiled. "Everything has two sides." – "What are you doing?" – "Nothing for the time being – searching for myself."
Susan walzed though the parties, guided by Gregorij, Anna and Michail. Gregorij treated her like a sister and made no hints of anything else. Susan felt a strange excitement every time she saw Michail. They danced without talking and she couldn't interprete his feelings for her. She herself felt her body heat when he held her in the dances, and she realized she had not yet explored her own sexual feelings. Late one night, when most of the guests had left, and Susan didn't see anyone else she knew, she went for her cape. In the darkness of the wardrobe Michail waited for her. He put his hands on her shoulders. "I have to tell you this" he said in a low voice. "You fascinate me immensly. I can't take my eyes of you, I think of you all the time.." She felt soft in his arms. She leaned against him. "I'm attracted to you too" she said. "But I don't know if it's appropriate.." – "Forget that" he said. He caressed her arms, then he embraced her, put his hands around her face and kissed her. She gave in. She felt the heat in her body, a sexual excitement she had never experienced. Her arms were around his neck, she kissed him as he kissed her. She felt him touching her body, his hands squeezing her breasts. "Come home with me" he whispered. She stopped. "No. I can't. They will wonder were I go." She thought of the situation. Was she in love with this man? No. Did she want him? Yes. Or perhaps she was just a young woman searching for her first love experience – and he was certainly not the man she looked for, and aging charmer, tempting and forty years older than she. A married man going astray – and a friend of the people she was visiting. She could not fail them. "I can't come home with you" she said again. "But I want this, oh what I want this." She put her arms around his neck again and kissed him. He held her tight, then he kissed her cheek, her ear, her neck. "I respect you" he said. "We will see each other for the coming days. I will be satisfied with that. Now I'll escort you home. " He took her cape and put it around her, hugging her softly.
Susan enjoyed the rest of her stay. At dinners and at parties Michail managed to stay in the outskirts of the company, they looked at each other, giving no feelings away. At some rare opportunities they were alone together, sharing hungry kisses and caresses, no more. Gregorij asked her if she had a good time and she said yes. Anna asked Michail for how long he would stay and he told her he would return home after the holidays. She thought it strange that there had been no gossip about him and some beauty in town, which she had expected as he had come alone. Michail managed to get into Susan's room to say goodbye. She clinged on to him. "I so would have liked to make love to you" she said "but I know I shouldn't. I will remember you, and when Elisabeth speaks about you I know what she means." He took her face between his hands. "I will follow your progress at a distance" he said. "You have restrained me from making other mistakes. Now I return to my family." They kissed again. Just when they let go of each other Anna opened the door. "What are you two doing?" she exclaimed. Michail put a finger on his lips. "Shh. Don't be upset. Susan has stopped me from leaving the narrow road. I worship her. Now I'm going home. No shadow over her." Anna looked at them both. "I don't know what to believe. To me it looked like some kind of tete-a-tete." – "Trust me" he said and left the room. "What happened? Did he try to seduce you? Have you two abused my hospitality?" – "Nothing has happened" Susan said, lying for a good cause. "He surprised me. He is a big charmer, you know."
Susan returned home, satisfied with her trip. She paid a visit to Elisabeth. "I can say hello to you from Michail" she said. "He named his daughter after you. And I understand your love for him." Elisabeth wondered what had happened but Susan said nothing.
Travelling
Susan continued her musical studies, gave concerts and studied architechture, but she still felt something was missing in her life. She wanted to travel. She had a long conversation with her father. "I want to travel like you once did. See the world, experience things." – "I did it out of necessity. I had no-one to care for. And I am a man. You are a woman. Do you think you could manage?" Susan was sure of it. It took some effort to convince her mother, but finally she made the decision. Before she went she wrote a letter to Gregorij telling him of her plans. He sent her a long answer. "I don't like your travelling alone, but I understand you. I would have liked to do the same, but I must work on my carrier. All women I meet here are geese. I miss you! Come to Moscow when your trip is over." He also told her he had his own apartment. In August she set off to the East, boarding the Orient express.
She travelled to Eastern Europe, Greece, Turkey, Persia and India. She saw much, had many experiences and also saw much poverty. In India she got aquainted with a British family. She also met a young Indian man, Ranjih. They shared a few weeks of joy and happiness and it felt almost like love. But she knew they had no future and she continued her trip. She also visited Samarkand. When the winter was almost over she arrived in Moscow. She didn't want to meet the whole Ragavich family so she went looking for Gregorij's wasn't home but the landlord let her in. She strolled around the apartment, lit a fire in the stove and sat down in an armchair, where she fell asleep. When Gregorij returned home he saw the fire and slowly he entered his livingroom. He found her sitting by the fire, the flames reflecting in her sleeping features, and his heart began to swell. He realized it was love he felt, and not for a sister. He went up to her and kissed her on the cheek. She woke up and smiled at him. Their reunion was happy. Until late at night she told him everything about her travels. Then she asked him to tell her about himself. She noticed he looked at her in a special way and she felt a little strange. This was a new feeling. Then she said "I'm tired. Can I sleep on your couch?" – "No" he said and went closer to her "you sleep in the bed with me." He put his arms around her and she once again felt the physical excitement Michail's embraces had triggered in her, but this time she also felt the union of the soules. In a way this felt like the proper ending to a fantastic saga and it felt so good being in Gregorij's arms, knowing she was loved by him and that she loved him. She looked at him. This could only last for as long as they stayed in this apartment, before going out into reality again. He kissed her and she succumbed completely. She didn't hesitate when he led her to his bed.
The next morning he woke up and looked at the woman beside him. He knew this was what he had always longed for. He couldn't predict the future, this was a forbidden love. He couldn't make her live with that, even if he could. When she opened her eyes, at first she didn't understand were she was. She realized she was not alone and thought that she was perhaps back in India, having given in to Ranjih after all. Then she remembered. "Gregorij. My God, is it true? Did I do it?" – "Do you regret it?" She looked at him. "No, I don't. That's what's terrible. It's illegal – we could go to jail for this." – "Not as long as nobody knows. But I will do anything for you, Susan, I love you."- "I love you too. But we can't go on.." He kissed her. "It has existed in other cultures. The old Egyptians. It could not be so bad. Unless.." – "I know. Unless we give birth to a child, and that we will not. We can't tell anyone about this. I dare not go on with this." He put his hand on hers."Please don't think of these things now. Let's just live. Do you want to have a bath?"
She enjoyed a long bath and then they had breakfast. He asked more about her travels and she understood that he wanted to know if she had met any man on the way. "I had just one short romance" she said "but it was never serious. You are my first. What about you? Has there been anyone?" Gregorij took a piece of bread so that he didn't have to look at her. "I gave in to the pressure of my friends. You know, that a man must have some experience. I let Tatiana, a dancer about ten years older than me, teach me the mysteries of love. But soon I grew tired of her. My sister tells me all the girls are fighting for an opportunity to kiss me. Then they complain – I show no feelings at all." They went back to the bedroom. "Could we stay here all day?" she asked. "I don't want to go back to reality, not yet. Then I will loose you."-"I can telephone and say I'm ill and woun't come in today." She crawled back into the bed as he rang. Then she said "Then come to me again, my brother, my love – let us forget reality for yet another while."
In the evening she said "Can we go to the opera?" They went to a restaurant and then to the opera, and they met nobody they knew. Susan enjoyed being out together with Gregorij. When they returned to the apartment she looked around again. "I would like to live like this with you, but it can't ever be possible. I will be living my life as a spinster, forsworn only to music. Now I could compose." – "And I?" – "You will be one of the world's most famous dancers and all women will fall at your feet. You will choose one of them and eventually make Anna a grandmother."- "How can you think so far ahead? I don't know how to coop with the nearest future." – "Your nearest future you will share with me now. Come and sleep, you need that."
The next day was Susan's third day in Moscow and she felt she had to contact the others."Let's say I arrived yesterday" she said. "I have to write home and tell them I have arrived. Then I could stay here for at least a week. I suppose I can't stay with you but we will still see each other." He took her in his arms. "Stay as long as you like. Then at least I will be sure. If you go home I can't be sure you don't find anyone else." – "You don't trust me?" – "Yes. But time changes. I have no right to stop you from marrying some day." – "I don't think like that now. No, I want to compose. My father expects me to, and so do I."
Gregorij telephoned his parents and then he said "Mother wants us to come at once. Are you ready?"- "Ready". They kissed again like two lovers on their way to part and then left the apartment.
Anna greeted Susan with open arms and asked about her trip. She wondered why Susan had first come to Gregorij and Susan said it was natural she wanted to see her brother first.
Susan had to tell her story several times. She telegraphed her parents and she stayed with the Ragavich family for a week. Gregorij also stayed with his parents during the time. "Have you told Michail about my trip?" she asked Anna. "Yes I have, and he was very interested. I must tell you came home alright. You became friends?" Susan nodded. She felt no longing for him anymore. Now the problem was another. How would Gregorij take their imminent parting?"
Eleanor and Erik wanted their daughter to come home and she set a date. Before she left they met once more in Gregorij's apartment. "It's all my fault" she said. "If I hadn't come to you first this would never had happened. We could have continued seeing each others as friends." – "You know this is not true. I have always loved you and will neve love anybody else."- "Don't say that." She put her arms around his neck. "You can't burden my conscience with the prospect that you will be unhappy all your life. If we are separated for a while we will get a perspective of this whole thing." – "Can I come and visit you?" – "Not too soon. This summer perhaps." They spent their last hours together in his apartment and then Gregorij and his mother accompanied Susan to the railway station.
Susan returned home and entertained her family with stories from her travels. "Do you feel more in harmony with yourself?" her father asked. "I don't really know. But I feel inspired to compose." She moved to an apartment of her own and bought a piano. Inspired by all country music she had heard during her travels, she began to compose.
One day as she sat at the piano, letting herself float away in the music, the thought of Gregorij hit her, and suddenly the tunes were strong and almost disharmonic, revealing pain and longing. She let herself drown in the music and didn't hear the door opening. "This music reminds me of something I once wrote" her father said. "When I was very unhappy longing for Christine. Those are strong feelings. You might hide things from us by not telling them, but your music can never lie to me. For whom do you have these feelings?" – "Oh, daddy" she said, wanting to share what filled her. He sat down beside her. "The two of us are of the same soul" he said "We understand each other. We love each other." – "There are three of us of the same soul" she whispered "if you love him like I do". It took a while for Erik to understand. "Him? But I don't really know him. You said you didn't love him that way.." – "But now I do." Erik lowered his head. "And it's my fault." – "Don't say so." – "What are you going to do?"- "We must get over it. I - by composing. He – I don't know. He seems possessed by me. But I hope he will get over it too – otherwise we will be unhappy all our lives. " Erik rose and touched his daughter's hair. "Go on composing, my child. The best music always comes from unhappiness." – "But we were not unhappy, we were very happy too."- "Don't tell anyone about this. Not even your mother." – "No" she said. "Would you like to listen to a piece inspired in Persia?"- "I would love to."