Finally I'm back again after the usual semester opening chaos!

These first 2 weeks were really busy, but I hope I will get to write more now..

The things I really want

It's the next morning when my eyes open again. I blink a couple of times and finally stare at the ceiling. It's a sunny, beautiful morning, but I feel that something is off.

My hands reach out to the side, searching for something in my bed, but they don't seem to find it. Only then I realize, what I've been expecting to be there. But it's not here. He's not here.

I raise my upper body and look around. His things are gone, too, just like him, and suddenly I start doubting that he's ever been here.

I let myself fall back on the bed and sigh deeply. It's been a dream, right? All these things from yesterday night, they couldn't have possibly happened. A disturbed and crying Kuroko, him in my arms, shaking like crazy, until he finally calmed down again and I half carried him back to the bed.

I don't understand. I don't understand it at all, and the more I think about it, the less I get it. It just makes no sense. So it has been a dream, right? This, and the whole thing when Kuroko hadn't allowed me to tell him his feelings. It was just a dream, wasn't it? Because it just didn't fit together.

Though, a small voice in my head tells me, that I'm just a coward, running away from the truth, and all these things totally did happen. And, to make it worse, Kuroko had sneaked out of the room and left while I've been sleeping.

I close my eyes and go through everything that has happened so far once again. There must be a way to understand him, a way to read his actions, but I just can't think of anything.

Fact is, that we're dating now, and that he accepted this. And fact is that we haven't done anything but having sex yet, and that it had been on his initiative every time. But he doesn't want to talk about any feelings, but suddenly stands in front of me with an emotional breakdown, that I never would have expected of him even in my wildest dreams. He just keeps becoming more and more mysterious to me.

But still, I.. again all my thoughts are filled with him. I just can't think of anything else. My hands grab the pillow beside me and press it on my face. It still smells a bit like him. Proof that he's been there. I take a deep breath and my heart-beat goes up. I see his face in front of me and silently whisper his name to myself, just because it makes me weirdly happy.

"Who's that?", a familiar voice rips me out of my daydreams. I flinch so much that I almost fall out of my bed.

The combination of the voice I know so well, the closeness of it and the things it had said almost shocked me to death.
"Alex?!", I scream out, but she's already jumping at me with pouting lips.

I don't know what's wrong today, I know this, I'm used to it, I learned that there is nothing I can do about it, but this time it freaks me out more than ever before. In panic I take the pillow in my hands and shield my face from her kissing attack.

She stops millimeters before the pillow and makes a angered sound as she tries to rip it out of my hands.

"Hey, hey.. no cheating!", she pouts, "Let me kiss you!"

I know that in a fight one on one I loose. And usually I really accept that, but something inside me refuses today.

"No!", I say so loud and determined that it shocks me myself.

"What the..?", Alex seems to be confused as well and draws back. This is the first time she gives up this easily. "Are you alright?"

Slowly and carefully I lower the pillow to look at the half-naked blond that has taught me basketball. Every normal guy would feel how his body is getting weird looking at her and thinking about that she had almost kissed him, but I don't feel a thing. Maybe because she's like a mother to me.

"Sorry..", seeing her half shocked, half offended face the apology simply slips out of my mouth, even though there is nothing I need to apologize for. She's the freak.

"So who is it?", she asks with squinted eyes.

"Huh?", I don't get it. Who is who? It's just the two of us here.

"You whispered a name earlier. Whose?", her eyes get smaller and her face approaches mine.

I instantly blush when I get what she means. She has heard how I said Kuroko's name in the pillow. Oh no.. now she won't leave me alone until I tell her.

"Could it be.. that you got yourself a girlfriend?", she suddenly asks me and cocks her head.

My jaw flaps open and I feel as my head gains even more color.

"HUH?!", how does she know? What is she? Some kind of telepath?! No.. it's worse.. she's a woman.

"I knew it.. wow.. I can't believe it. What kind of girl would be so dumb? So inelegant.. so.."

"HEY!", I stop her before she offends Kuroko even more. Or does she offend me? "How..?"

"How I know?", she reads my mind again. Somebody make her stop it! "Well you've never hated my greeting so much before. And you whisper names and sniff at pillows. And moreover.."

She makes a dramatic pause to ensure me, that no matter what she's about to say, I don't want to hear it. "..a beautiful woman sits on your bed, barely clothed and you, a healthy young buy, don't even wink. Of course you have someone else!"

Yes, exactly. That must be the reason. I sigh and decide not to say anything.

"So, how is she?", suddenly she's not offended in the slightest anymore and simply overly curious.

"Oh, say nothing.. I bet she's the type to spoil you until there's no tomorrow and you're such a dumbly happy couple that lives in their own world and is super lovey-dovey all the time."

Wow. She couldn't be any more wrong. A part of me wants to grin broadly at her and rub her nose into it. The other part has just pictured the kind of relationship she has described and has realized that this is exactly the kind of relationship I want. And that with Kuroko, I will never get it.

Obviously the latter part of mine has won the battle of determining my facial expression, because the self-assured grin in Alex' face is suddenly replaced by worried furrowed brows.

"Oh.. you're not?", she even sounds a bit sorry.

I gulp and shake my head. I can't believe how hard this hits me now. We really don't have the relationship I want at all, even though I managed to get us dating.

"So what do you usually do?", she asks me. How deep does she want to dig into my wound?
What do we do? Well, playing basketball and..

"Alex.. can I ask you something?", my lips suddenly moves on their own, even though everything inside me refuses to ask Alex for advise. Not on such a thing.

"Of course you can!", she smiles at me. She seems to be happy about this. "Ask me whatever you want.."

"Why..", I take a deep breath and force the question over my lips, "why doesn't... she... want to hear about my feelings for her..?"

Alex looks at me startled and I realize what a weird question I've just asked. It's the question dancing in my mind since yesterday evening. Over and over again and I just can't think of any answer. So maybe Alex can.

"Hmm.. you surely have a weird girlfriend..", she mutters confused.

Well, maybe because she has a dick, but I decide not to tell her. I don't think she would mind, but I don't want to try.

"So you don't know either?", I sigh and am not sure whether I should be relieved or disappointed.

"Well.. this could have multiple reasons..", she says deep in thought.

"What?!", I can't even think of one and she can think of multiple ones? "So?"

"Maybe she's super shy and is embarrassed..", she starts with the most likely option.

"No..", but not very likely for Kuroko. He doesn't talk much, but I wouldn't call him shy or easily embarrassed. Especially when I think of the things we did..

"Then maybe she doesn't want to rush things and take her time?"

"No..", I'm still thinking about the things we did. The first night.

Suddenly Alex doesn't say anything any more. She just looks at me sceptically. Is she already done with her multiple reasons?

"Say.. did you already do it?", she suddenly asks me straightforward.

The words get stuck in my throat and I try to swallow them, but it's no use. How..? Just how?! She's creeping me out! My jaw flaps open and my eyes widen, but this seems to be all the answer she needs.

"Oh my! My little Taiga is an adult now! I can't believe it!", she squeals loudly.

Half shocked and disbelieving, half like a little girl.

"Sh-shut up!", I mumble.

There are a hundred things in the things she said and in the way she said it, that I don't like and want to complain about, but I feel so embarrassed right now that all I can do is blushing and stuttering.

"Oh my, you have to be totally head over heels for her, right?", she grins and nods.

I blush even more. Kuroko's face appears in front of my eyes and I feel my chest tightening and my head going dizzy. Just by the mere thought of him. I nod slightly and avoid looking at her.

"You poor thing.. I'm sorry..", all of a sudden she's serious again. Not only serious, even somehow sad.

I look in her face confused and shocked and see pity in the way she looks at me.

"What..?", I ask her, even though everything inside me begs me to cover my ears at her following words. I don't want to hear it, I know it.

"I'm afraid.. she's only with you for sex."

Ouch. OUCH. I let myself fall back in my bed and try my best to suppress the pictures forcing themselves in my head. Everything that has happened between the two of us until now, the fact that it's always been on his initiative, his shocked eyes when I tried to tell him my feelings. It all falls together like parts of a puzzle, starts making sense and the picture rises up in front of my eyes, laughing at me that I haven't seen it until now.

"Hey.. hey.. it's just.. a possibility.. it doesn't have to..", Alex tries to reach me, but I don't listen to her anymore.

Maybe she's right. Maybe it's really like this and Kuroko only wants to sleep with me. Am I okay with that? Can I live with that? Can I continue such a relationship? Can I swallow my feelings and forget that they're one-sided? And even more important: Do I want all that?

"I know! I know how you'll find out!", Alex tries to cheer me up again and now she has my full attention. "Why don't you just try to do something else with her? Look how she reacts when you don't touch her. That would be the easiest way!"

I say nothing. Now I don't regret anymore that I've talked to Alex about this. I will try this and hopefully prove her wrong..

The next training was already the last before the Winter Cup. Our beloved coach told us in a moving and most motivating speech that we should make a break for one day to walk in the tournament in top condition so we would kick Touou's ass. Kick his ass.

I can't possibly tell how much I am aching for this game and for his face when I crush him. I really don't know why, but lately my desire to surpass this guy has grown even stronger inside of me.

I choose to take the opportunity of a free day to see my plan through, especially because I want to set the things straight between me and Kuroko before the tournament. Even though I don't even know how to approach him after he had left in the middle of the night.

We don't talk one word during the training and when our eyes met, we both quickly look into different directions. It can't possibly go on like this.

So I wait for him once again in the changing rooms and we both take our time until the others have left. I wonder if Kuroko really is so slow or if he senses that I'm waiting for him.

But then, as the last one closes the door behind himself, I can finally approach him.

"Hey!", I walk towards him and address him half reluctantly half determined.

A weird combination, especially regarding the fact that we're dating. Yes, we're dating! No matter how weird that night had been, there is still no reason to feel that awkward.

"Hey", he answers and turns around.

Only now that he had turned at me, I realize how close I had gone to him. It seems to have become only natural that we're always mere inches apart from each other when we're together and this is exactly what I want to change.

But before I can expand our distance, it has already becoming shorter. I wonder a while about what is happening, until I realize that Kuroko is actually about to kiss me.
I step back in panic and leave him startled. If it is already starting like this, how should I manage a whole night without touching him? Impossible!

"I actually just wanted to ask you if you want to come over today..", I quickly explain, "Since tomorrow's free.."

Kuroko stays silent for a few blinks and then nods. Ok, we had a slight quick start, but I will definitely hold back this evening! And he will, too. I hope.

The moment he steps into my apartment, I immediately fail to repress realizing, that we've never done anything in this house but sleeping together until now. But not today.

I drag him inside and almost carry him to the living room to place him on the couch. If I take my eyes from him for just a second, he'll be lying half-naked in my bed again and then all my resolves will go to waste.

"Want to watch some DVDs?", I ask him quickly, before he comes up with another way to kill time.

"What kind of DVDs?", he asks back.

I'm startled. I have no idea. First, I don't really own any movies and second I don't know in the slightest what he could like. If there is something he likes. It's not like we've never watched DVDs together before, yes we did. In the club, videos of other teams playing basketball, trying to analyze their strategies and find a way to beat them.

With this thought in mind my lips almost form the proposal themselves, without conferring with my brain.

"I have some videos of Touou's games. Want to watch them?", I ask, thinking at first that it is a good idea.

When I see Kuroko's face, I realize that it wasn't. He doesn't flinch, he doesn't change his expression at all, he just nods slightly and says OK, but I can't get rid of the feeling that I've made a mistake.

But it's too late, I only understand the stupidity and my lack of consideration towards him as well as towards me, when the blue flash rushes over the screen.

I gulp. How could I have forgotten that? I leer at him, his eyes are glued to the screen, glued to him. I don't know what I'm searching for in his face. Do I still expect to find any expression of emotion? No, by now I don't need this anymore. I don't need him to express his emotions, because I believe I can feel them by now. And right now I feel pain.

I'm already about to jump up and switch the TV off, when Kuroko suddenly says something to me without taking his eyes from Aomine's picture on the screen.

"Kagami-kun..", he whispers in an asking tone.

"Hm?", I can't talk anymore, the words are stuck in my throat.

"I have.. a favor to ask you..", finally he turns away from the screen and looks at me. His blue eyes are piercing through mine, I get lost in them immediately and my body feels like jelly. "Please beat him."

I have barely heard that he has said something and flinch. What?

"You're the only one who can..", Kuroko continues as I give him no answer, "Please.."

His face is coming closer and it almost looks and sounds like he's begging me in desperation. Oh god, I'd find a way to get him the moon if he asked me for it like this.

"Beat him.."

My lips are trembling. I'm fighting with unbearable waves of desire hitting my whole body, but somehow I manage to swallow them.

"No, I can't..", I answer him so calm it surprises myself.

Kuroko draws back a bit in shock, his eyes widen. He hasn't expected this answer.

"Basketball is a team sports after all. I can't beat him. We will beat him. Or rather his team. You and me and the senpais, we will kick the asses of these arrogant snobs. OK?"

I'm so cool, I can't believe it myself. Kuroko looks at me with his huge eyes and blinks a couple of times before he nods with something playing on his lips. Is this.. a smile? Or at least the slight indication of a smile? I.. can't...

My lips meet his. I can't. I just cannot not kiss him when he looks so beautiful. At this rate, I'll be going mad. My head is spinning, my heart is racing and still I feel so calm when I'm touching his soft skin.

I breathe in his smell and place several little kisses on his lips and he returns them. The kiss becomes deeper, his tongue is so soft and his taste.. I notice how my fingers slip beneath his clothes and my arms are drawing him closer to my body.

Then another wave hits my body again and hits my lower regions especially hard. I gasp for air and push him back. What did I do?! What about my plans?

I realize that this is the magic moment where I have to stop, where I have to let reason rule over my body and control myself to get what I actually want. I take deep breathes and look at him once again.

He's panting for air, too, his face slightly flushed, his eyes filled with impatience. I bite my lip to delay it just another moment and then I give in.

Long story short, in the end I'm lying next to him again, more confused than ever. What was that right now? Even though I've resolved not to touch him tonight, I did it anyway and this time it was 100% on my initiative.

Does this count? Does it bring me any further in my trial of understanding him? No, it does not, but it just couldn't be helped. No matter what he feels for me, my feelings for him are just overwhelming.

I bow over him and stare at him. His sleep is as deep as ever, his skin so white and smooth. I touch his cheeks and am mesmerized by how perfect he is.

I haven't talked one word about that thing that had happened the other night with him. I wonder why.. is it out of consideration for him? Or for me? Maybe if we don't talk about it I will believe one day that it had only been a dream.

This weak and vulnerable part of his.. so beautiful and miserable at the same time.

Suddenly I witness Kuroko's features changing in his slumber, they look pained. A nightmare? He starts making weird sounds that seem so familiar to me and at the same time weirdly alien, strangely distorted. What is he dreaming about?

Just as I wonder if I should wake him from his nightmare, he utters a word that freezes me down to my bones.

"Ao..mine..kun"

I stare at him, unable to move my body, and suddenly it comes to me why I know these sounds so well. My body drops back on my side of the bed and I stare at the ceiling. This will be a long night.