Guys I'm so weak! I'm few chapters ahead, I have like three more roughly written down and they still need rereading and editing. But when I insert another chapter in here, you always beg me for updating and I can't resist it =D I always hear a voice in my head which says Don't let them suffer for so long! Update it today! It's really crazy =D So here it is and I'm updating it so fast only because I don't want you to suffer because of the sad end in the previous chapter. God, I don't know what I'll do when I post the chapter with the dramatic cliffhanger in the end! Oh that should have been a secret ;) Well, enjoy another chapter, it is one of my favorites (well who would not like making up and happy endings). Thanks for favorites and follows. If you want another chapter as soon as possible, post a lot of reviews, you see how weak I am, when it comes to my readers =D
Chapter 7: Broken Heart.
I don't know if broken heart is a proper diagnosis, but I could easily write down the symptoms. Ache at the left side of your chest with every breath, depression, loneliness, crying over your happy memories, constant desire for sweets. I think I haven't felt so miserable for a very long time.
During Christmas, I tried to forget everything about him. I spend time with Rosie, we built snowmen, we went sledging, we threw snowballs at Prim. After all it is only her third Christmas and she doesn't remember the first ones much. She loves everything about Christmas. She loves baking cookies, she loves decorating the tree, and she loves singing Christmas carols... Johanna, Annie and Madge came few times too. They were all painfully avoiding his name and anything which could remind me of him. I really tried to forget everything.
But despite how much I hate what he did, I can't get him out of my head. And maybe I would forgive him, if my heart would not feel so hurt, with the fact, that he didn't trust me with the fact who he really is. There is this little voice in my head, which keeps defending him. It's bugging me every single day when I lie to my bed in the evening.
He was just afraid to tell you. Remember what he's been through at home?! He's broken too. Didn't you tell Peeta, that you don't want to leave Baker Boy? That you don't want him to be alone? Why are you doing it then? How do you think he went through Christmas with only his parents at home? And honestly, look into your heart. Don't you miss him?
It makes me feel guilty, because I know the voice is right. I miss him so much. I miss our texting in the evenings, they are so lonely without him. I miss his jokes, I miss his sweet smile and his laugh. I miss his warm hand holding mine, I miss his whisper in my ear, I miss him stroking my hair and I miss the blueness of his beautiful eyes. I miss him so badly.
Two long months after Christmas, I avoided Peeta as much as I could. Because I didn't know what to do. He seemed he was ignoring me. He was with his old friends again and I was to embarrassed to talk to him in front of them. I don't think he would want me to do so either. They didn't know about our friendship. In music class I ended up alone or with someone else, in other classes I sat surrounded by my friends and I didn't dare to look in Peeta's direction. I was scared that if I see his blue eyes again I will not be able to look away and it would hurt even more. The only bright day was Rosie's birthday in the very beginning of March.
I spend most of my days in quiet. I don't speak much unless I'm asked a question from a teacher. My friends are going nuts because of it. Especially Gale who is used to my talking. He's one of my oldest friends and so I talked to him more than to the others.
"I will take him down in the next football match okay?" he says. "Could you please start talking again?" he pleads me "It's really scary to see you like this."
"It's not that I don't want to talk Gale." I say, picking at my lunch with my fork. "It's just I don't feel like talking." I say.
"Come on Kitty!" Finnick whines. "Come on, you need to laugh. Just because some jerk did something to you, you can't let yourself die inside." he says sadly.
"Come on! Laugh!" he orders and does a grimace at me. I can't stop the corners of my lips from twitching up a little.
"Ohh, it works!" he smiles and he starts grimacing at me and in a few minutes I laugh out loud. Every time I look sad he does another grimace and it makes a smile on my lips.
"Are you sure you will be okay in music today, when our classes are canceled? You're sure you can handle it alone?" Johanna asks me concerned.
"Yeah I'm sure." I say.
"Okay." she says "See you tomorrow then." she smiles and heads home, just like the rest of my friends.
Slowly I wonder through the corridors. I still have half an hour before music. As I stand by my locker, I hear familiar voices. Glimmer's gang.
"That bitch was not looking bad at the Christmas party, but that was just one evening. At school she looks really terribly." she says. "Why were you even dancing with her Peet? You can have much better girls." she asks.
"Ugh..." he obviously doesn't know what to say.
"Was it a bet?" Glimmer asks.
"Yeah... Exactly. It was a bet." he says. I can't miss that his voice is somehow hollow. I feel pain in my heart again. So I was only a bet?!
"Hmm, I guess that was easy earned money." she laughs.
"Yes it was." he says. My throat tightens and I want to run, but I'm glued to the spot.
"She's nothing more than a bitch with a little bastard." she laughs.
"Yeah." Peeta agrees just as they walk around the corner and see me. I can feel that deep pain in my heart again. And I can feel tears tingling in my eyes. I'm sure he saw them too, because I can literally see his heart sink as he sees me and realizes that I've heard what they said.
"Oh, look, she's right here!" Glimmer exclaims happily "We were just talking about you slut!" she says "So how much did you pay Peeta to dance with you huh?" she asks. I feel a sob in my throat and I can't stop it.
"Oh, are you gonna cry because I call you slut? You never minded it before." she mocks me.
"How is your little bastard? She's still alive isn't she?" she asks and I can't listen to this anymore.
I turn around and run away crying. I run until I find an empty study room. We have plenty of study rooms in our school and in this afternoon time there are not many people. I close the door, sit on the windowsill, hug my knees, rest my head against them and I cry as much as I want. It really hurts. It hurts to see Peeta, standing next to Glimmer, listening to her words and not caring about me. I always thought that Blue-Eyes will stand on my side. That he will be that kind of man who stands up for me. Obviously he is not. Well what did I expect after I was mad at him for so long.
I'm so lost in my thoughts and crying that I even don't realize someone has came in.
"Katniss?" he says softly.
"Go away." I whine. "Leave me alone."
"Katniss, I didn't mean what I said, I wasn't really listening to what Glimmer says. Can I just talk to you?" he pleads me. "Please, let me explain what I did. Then you can hate me as much as you want." he says. I don't say anything, just shrug and nod shakily at the same time. He takes that as a yes.
"You have to understand how I felt, Katniss." he says softly and sits across from me. "I was always afraid to talk to you and then I texted with you on skype. You can't imagine how amazing it was for me to be friends with you. After such a long time, when I was dreaming to be your friend. And then I was afraid that you will turn me down when you find out who I am, because I knew you hate Peeta Mellark. And when you started to be friends with my real me - Peeta, I realized that you could be my friend in real too. But it was too late, I knew you would be angry when I tell you and the longer I waited the worse it was. Then I decided to tell you on the party. But I didn't expect what will happen during the play. I think you felt something for me. I think you liked me and that you were sorry to say you can't go there with me. I really thought you go with someone else at first, but at home I realized I invited you as Baker Boy. And I knew it will be bad." he says sadly
"And it was. I really didn't want to play with you. When I asked you about the other boy, I just wanted to know what you truly think about me. And those things you said about Baker Boy, they were so beautiful." He says and one tear streams down his face. "No one has ever said so many beautiful things about me." he adds sadly. It makes me feel even worse to know that no one has ever told him how amazing person he is. Not even his friends or family. I don't say anything. I'm still sobbing quietly listening to his beautiful low voice. But deep inside, I know what my heart is telling me.
"I never ever intended to hurt you." he whispers and looks me in the eyes with pain in his. "Actually I never thought you could care about me so much." I see that his eyes are wet.
"I miss my best friend." he whispers and another tear spills out of his eye. I can't look at him like that. I stand up and turn my back to him to think about what he said. When I remember Blue-Eyes, I know he would never hurt me. I trusted him with all my heart and he didn't do anything bad to me. Same goes for Peeta. I still sob quietly.
"Peeta I don't know if I can come back to what we had." I say shakily and turn around to see him. "I don't think I can forget all of this." I sniff.
"I'm not asking you to forget it." he says, wipes away his tears and stands up too. "I'm asking you to forgive me." he says and gives me a pleading look. Can I resist his beautiful and truthful blue eyes?
"You broke my heart." I whisper and another sob comes out of my lips. He blinks and I watch two tears streaming down his face. Making their way across his cheeks, around his lips, ending up on his chin and then slowly dropping down on the floor. I can't look at his tragic face any more so I look down.
"I can make up for it." he whispers touching my wet chin and rising it up so I would have to look him in the eyes. "I'm the one who can put it back together and heal it." he says shakily.
I start trembling with sobs again. I don't know what to do. One part of me screams "Don't do it, he will hurt you again!" and another yearns for my best friend and for his hands holding mine.
"You don't have to do it right now." he says "You can forgive me gradually." I don't say anything. I'm trying to stop the trembling of my body, but it seems impossible.
"You know… When you're really upset, it helps, when someone hugs you and comforts you?" he asks softly. I look up at him, still trying to control my sobs. And I know I can't do it by myself. He extends his hands and takes mine, holding them carefully. My hands are cold and shaking. His hands are quite the opposite. Warm, tender and still. Same as I remember them. He's not forcing me into a hug. He's letting me decide if I want to hug him or not. And I'm hesitant, I want to hug him so badly, but I'm afraid I'll get more flashbacks.
"You know I would never ever hurt you." he says softly "You know you can trust me. I'm your friend. I have never told your secrets, have I? I have never hurt you intentionally. I just made a stupid mistake." he adds.
"You know..." he hesitates for a moment, but then he continues looking into my eyes sincerely "I want to be the one who would help you and who would hold your hand during bad times. I want to be the one who would hug you when you're lonely and hold you when you're weak. I want to be that someone, who would sooth you when you're crying and who would take care of you for a change."
Another loud sob escapes my mouth as I listen to those words. The fact that he remembered my words would be enough for me to give up my resistance. The fact that he likes me would be enough too. But I also know he's telling truth and I know he's right. I trust him. I believe him. I miss him. And I need him.
I close the small distance between us with one small shaky step. At first I just lean my forehead against his strong chest softly, letting my tears fall on his shirt. I can feel his heart, beating fast and really strong. Then his hands slide along my arms, he carefully wraps them around my shoulders and waits for my response. I don't think I can control my body any more. In the next moment, my arms wrap around his waist and I hold onto him so tightly that it must hurt him. He tightens his arms around me too and that's the moment when I lose all my control. I start to sob terribly, letting all my pain hit his chest and letting him see my true feelings.
"I'm sorry, Katniss. I'm so sorry. I won't hurt you again, I promise." he whispers into my ear and rests his head on my shoulder. I don't know how long it takes, until I calm down at least a little, but when my tight grip around his waist loosens a little, the door open and Gale is standing there. He looks surprised, then his look changes into hurt and he storms out again.
"Oh great!" I whine "Now he's angry with me." and I sob again.
"Hey, calm down." Peeta soothes me. "Come on, let's sit down." he says and pulls me towards a couch. He sits down and pulls me down so I end up curling in his lap. He wraps his arms around me and I feel absolutely safe. I realize, I haven't felt like this for such a long time. Since my dad died I guess. It feels like his arms are the only thing which can protect me from every pain.
I close my eyes and listen to his heartbeat. It's strong and steady and as I focus on it, I gradually calm down. After a while, I look up through my teary eyelashes and find his eyes. He looks at me concerned.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
"You don't have to be sorry for crying..." he starts but I interrupt him.
"I don't mean my crying." I say "I'm sorry, that I left you alone like that. I said I won't leave you alone in your life and I did it just the first moment something went wrong." I admit sadly. "I shouldn't do that, I had no right to be angry with you. I-I… I'm sorry."
"It's okay." he whispers and pulls me closer to him.
"Will you be okay?" he asks quietly after a quiet while.
"Yeah." I breathe out, looking up into his eyes again.
"And..." he hesitates again "Do you think you will ever forgive me?" he asks, sounding worried. I close my eyes and sigh into his chest. I know the answer to this question. In fact, I knew it long before this moment.
"It's already done." I whisper.
"Really?" he says with surprise and hope in his voice.
"Really." I say, while looking up at him again and his happy expression makes a little smile on my lips.
"Oh, you're smiling" he says. He grins and I sniff. He reaches into his bag and pulls something out.
"Here" he says and hands me a pack of paper tissues.
"Thanks." I say and I blow my nose. When I'm done, I surprise both of us when I cuddle up to him as close as possible, holding onto him tightly. I hear him laugh softly.
"Look at you." he says amused. "First you tell me you don't like physical contact, especially with men and now, you're holding me so tightly, that it seems like your life depends on it." he says.
"I can go and cuddle up to my teddy bear if you mind." I say teasingly.
"No." he says pleadingly. He tightens his arms around me and nuzzles his face into my hair, inhaling its scent deeply. "I like it. I'm glad you trust me so much." he whispers into my ear and I close my eyes.
"Maybe my life really depends on it." I mumble into his chest after a while.
"Really? How would that happen?" he asks curiously and he looks me in the eyes.
"You know..." I say and look up into his eyes. "I think I like you Blue-Eyes." I smile.
"Oh really?" he says trying to sound lightly, but I can see the true happiness in his eyes.
"I like you too." he smiles at me. Then he leans down so close to my face, that our noses touch lightly. "I think I like you a lot." he says and he kisses my nose softly. I smile. It feels so nice to have him back.
"I missed you so badly." I admit quietly and tighten my arms around his body.
"I missed you more." he breaths right into my ear, which tickles and it awakes the butterflies in my stomach. In response goose bumps erupt all around my neck and I shiver.
"Are you cold?" he asks.
"No." I say "It's just your voice. It tickles and it makes me shiver when you whisper into my ear like that." I admit. Why are you telling him such a thing?
"Oh really?" he whispers right into my ear and another excited shiver runs through me.
"Stop it." I smile and move my ear away from his lips.
"I didn't know I have that effect on you." he smiles. "I have to remember that." I don't respond, I just smile and shake my head. My good old Peeta is back.
"You know I was thinking that I could take you on a date." he smiles at me after a while.
"Really?" I ask surprised. I smile mischievously. "I will go on a date with you on Saturday." I say, he starts to smile but I continue.
"BUT" I say and his smile fades away.
"But what?" he asks.
"You have to prove, that you mean it and you can be faithful to me." I say.
"How can I prove that to you?" he asks.
"Well the date would be on Saturday, so during all the week I'll watch you." I say "My friends will watch you too. If you can manage this week without other girls, I will go on a date with you."
"What do you mean without other girls?" he asks confused.
"No making out, no hugging, no kissing!" I explain. "And no flirting!" I add.
"Wow, you really are strict." he smiles. "What if I break it? What if I forget my promise and hug someone just because she's my friend?" he asks.
"I thought you don't have any real friends." I say smirking.
"Well maybe I do." he smiles.
"My rules are easy and if you really care about me you will remember them. No other girls if you want to be on a date with me." I say "We can meet every day after school and I'll tell you if I'm happy with you. If you behave, maybe you can hug me if you miss it." I smile. He laughs and holds me tighter. We stay like that, in a comfortable silence and warm embrace. I inhale his beautiful smell and listen to his steady heartbeat, while he plays with my hair. In the end we find out, that we missed the music class so we go towards the parking lot.
"Why is Gale angry with you?" he asks. I sigh.
"He's angry, because, whenever he tried to hug me, I always freaked out and pushed him away." I say sadly. "It's really not his fault, I just always felt arms of that man who raped me and I couldn't help then push him away." I say. "He's angry because he saw I hugged you and I didn't freak out."
"Well then try to hug him." he says.
"Didn't you listen to me? I told you I freak out with him." I say.
"I did listen to you. You said you always freaked out, when he tried to hug you." he says putting emphasis on the last part of the sentence.
"What I suggest is, that you hug him! On your own. I think that if you decide to hug him, your mind must know that it's safe and you will not freak out. Like today, I didn't hug you, I waited if you will come to me." he says. I look at him astonished.
"Good idea." I smile "I think I'll try it tomorrow." I say as we stop by my car.
"I think we should go home." I say.
"Really? I don't feel like going home." he whispers sadly.
"Oh come on, we have so much homework that I won't do anything else this afternoon than sitting at home and studying." I say annoyed.
"Right." He smiles. "So…" he says nervously. "See you tomorrow?" he asks hesitantly.
"See you tomorrow" I smile. "And don't forget the rules!" I remind him as I sit into my car. "I'm watching you." I add and he smiles.
As I come home, I want to do one more thing before I start with my homework. So I take my phone and send a same text to Johanna, Annie and Madge.
Red code! Meet me by the swings in ten minutes!
"Prim! Could you keep an eye on Rosie for a while? I'll be back in fifteen minutes!" I call upstairs.
"Yeah. Sure!" she calls back.
And so I run to the playground, sit on the swing and wait for girls. That "red code" I send is our secret signal. It means, there's something serious to discuss and we need to discuss it immediately. In five minutes, they all come together.
"What happened Katniss?" Annie asks.
"I need your help." I say and think how to say it without telling them what happened between me and Peeta. There's no such a way.
"Okay, long story short. We made up with Peeta, Blue-Eyes, whatever you want to call him. He told me he likes me and he wants to go on a date on Saturday. I told him I will, but only if he can be one week without other girls. I need you to watch him with me and tell me if you see him doing something improper with other girls." I spill it all out in one long monologue.
"You made up? Annie asks.
"How did it happen?" Madge joins.
"Why did you forgive him?" Johanna asks.
"We don't have time for this." I say strictly. "Let's leave it for Friday, I promise I'll tell you. Will you help me with watching him?" I ask finally.
"Yes." Johanna says and she extends her hand in the middle of our little circle. "One for all."
"And all for one." We say in unison as we add our hands on hers. We smile and go back home. I wonder, if Peeta will be able to stay away from girls. I don't know why, but only a memory of his smiling face makes me happy. Maybe I really am in love with him. But what do I know about love?