Chapter Seven: The Lady of the Pencil and the Redhead Knight
This chapter is rated ROIXFQRLZMXX for people hitting other people over the head and references to killer butterflies.
History of Magic was always very boring.
Ron, Harry, Brianne, Emily, and the rest of those characters whose names I'm too lazy to write were all staring out the windows. Hermione took notes.
Brianne slipped a note to Ron that said:
Tonight, you, me, Harry, and Emily should all go to the greenhouses and become illegal Animaguses.
Why? Ron wrote back.
I don't know. I just feel like it.
If you say so. Ron wrote.
Stop talking to me. You're annoying me.
I'm not even talking. I'm writing.
"I have a pencil and I know how to use it!" Brianne cried, springing up and pointing her pencil threateningly at Ron.
As usual, the Short Diana had popped in at some random time to watch this bit. And right on schedule at a suspenseful time, the Tall Diana came to take her away.
"Why does Brianne have a pencil?" the Tall Diana asked. "They use quills at Hogwarts, remember?"
"Well, in parts of the Harry Potter stories Parvati, Lavender, and Hermione all have pencil cases. If Hermione can have a pencil case, Brianne should be able to have a pencil!" the Short Diana retorted.
The Tall Diana decided, intelligently, not to argue with this strange logic. Instead she grabbed the Short Diana and made them both disappear.
Professor Binns stopped lecturing and looked at Ron and Brianne. "Because you have been talking, you will now both present a skit on how a knight would propose to a lady."
Brianne and Ron slowly stood up and walked to the front.
"Introduce yourselves," Professor Binns told them.
"I'm –er- the Lady of the Pencil," Brianne said, making something up.
"And I'm...the Redhead Knight," Ron added.
"Now for the proposal," Binns said.
"Sir, this has absolutely nothing to do with what we're studying today," Hermione called out, raising her hand. "In fact, it has nothing to do with the History of Magic whatsoever – "
The Short Diana popped in. "Doesn't that girl ever shut up?" she whispered to Harry.
"Never, under normal circumstances. But, since you're writing this chapter - "
"Oh yeah!" The Short Diana waved her wand. Hermione opened and closed her mouth but no sound came out.
The Short Diana smirked and settled down in a corner to watch the skit.
Ron awkwardly got down on his knees. "O fair Lady of the Pencil, wilt thou marry me?" he asked, feeling extremely stupid.
Brianne looked repulsed. "Nay, good Redhead Knight."
Ron had a feeling this was not how the skit was supposed to be going. "Please, O beauty of the Earth?"
"YUCK!" Brianne gagged. She seized an extremely heavy Charms book and whacked Ron over the head with it. He slid to the floor, limp.
"That was a very accurate reaction," Professor Binns said after a minute.
"Actually, sir, the reaction of a lady to a knight's proposal would have been quite different," said Hermione, who had mysteriously recovered from the Short Diana's spell. "For one thing, if she had hit him over the head with a book she would have kept her right pinkie crooked the whole time and her left- "
Brianne ran to Hermione and smashed her over the head with the book too. Half the class jumped up and cheered.
Professor Snape had walked by and saw Brianne knock Hermione out. He poked his head in the classroom and said, "Enchilada."
"Huh?" everyone asked as they stopped cheering.
"Nothing... I mean, twenty-five and a half points to Gryffindor for such immediate and productive action," Snape corrected himself.
Suddenly, a random annoying guy named Parker appeared. Brianne hit him over the head too.
"That guy wasn't so random, was he? What have you got against him?" the Tall Diana, who had just appeared, asked the Short Diana.
The Short Diana smiled deviously and said nothing.
Class ended when Professor Binns ordered the students to drag the limp forms of Ron, Hermione, and the random guy named Parker up to the hospital wing.
That evening, Ron was doing his History of Magic homework. He'd recovered from Brianne's attack. So had Hermione, but Parker hadn't and was going to be force-fed forty different kinds of disgusting potions for a week until he was better.
Ron looked at the title of the book. It said, The Memoirs of Nigel Mookerjee.
Ron opened the book and started reading. The first line said, When I was born, I was very, very tiny...
The Two Dianas suddenly appeared in the common room as Ron stared at the very boring book.
"Nigel Mookerjee? You play too many Nancy Drew computer games with your siblings!" the Tall Diana said to the Short Diana.
"I know, but isn't that a great line?" the Short Diana asked.
"You can't use that sentence. It's plagiarism. Unless..." The Tall Diana paused. "Unless you write a disclaimer."
"A disclaimer, eh?" The Short Diana nodded. "Okay!"
The Short Diana's Disclaimer: I don't own Nigel Mookerjee or Nancy Drew. I don't own Harry Potter, either. And, sadly, I don't own a copy of The Memoirs of Nigel Mookerjee. By the way, I don't own the keyboard on which I am typing or the computer I am using. I don't own Ron, Hermione, or any of those other characters, too. Gee, I don't own much of anything, do I? I don't even own a dog...but then again I'm allergic to dogs...
"You can stop now," the Tall Diana told the Short Diana.
"Awwwwwww..." the Short Diana said. "I didn't even get to tell them about the allergy symptoms I sometimes get that I don't own!"
Ron stared at the book. It said, When I was four I ate a tomato...
Ron gave up on Nigel Mookerjee and went to bed for a few hours.
At about ten-twenty-five, Brianne and Emily slipped out of bed.
"Come on, let's skedaddle." Emily whispered.
"Skedaddle?" Hermione muttered in her sleep. "Is that Czechoslovakian you're speaking?"
At precisely ten-thirty, Harry, Ron, Brianne, and Emily snuck out of the Common Room and down to the greenhouses.
The Short Diana and the Tall Diana appeared right next to Hagrid's cabin. Together they watched the four Gryffindors slip into an unlocked greenhouse.
"So how exactly are you planning on making those four Animaguses in one night? It takes a long time. It took the Marauders three years!" the Tall Diana commented.
"I don't have enough patience for three years. The characters are going to very mystically and magically achieve Animag-ism in one night!" the Short Diana declared.
She paused. "By the way, I don't like it how this story keeps making references to my height. From now on, I want to be the Vertically Challenged Diana!"
"'Vertically Challenged'?" The Tall Diana raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you say that was a term that one friend of yours made up?"
"Clint? Oh yeah! Time for another disclaimer!" the Short Diana said happily, forgetting all about being vertically challenged instead of short.
The Short Diana's Other Disclaimer: I didn't make up the term 'vertically challenged', and therefore I don't own it. Clint does, the lucky boy! I don't own Clint, either. And while we're on the subject of Clint (who, I remind you, I do not own), we might as well talk about Clint's best friend Dane. I don't own Dane, either, in case you wanted to know. And speaking of Dane, I don't own a sheep, either! Although that's just as well, because I'm probably allergic to them too...
"That's ENOUGH!" the Tall Diana interrupted. "Why don't we just get back to the story?"
"The story..." the Short Diana said dreamily. "Do I own that?"
"Only halfway. Now come on, I think the readers are getting bored."
"Well, we can't let that happen, can we?" the Short Diana said cheerfully. The Tall Diana realized that they were way behind schedule, as she usually had removed the Short Diana by this point in a conversation, grabbed the Short Diana and popped them out of Hogwarts...and now we will return to the story.
In the greenhouses, Ron, Brianne, Harry, and Emily began working on the very hard job of becoming Animaguses.
"'Animaguses'? Isn't it 'Animagi'?" Emily said, frowning.
"No, it's Animaguses," Brianne said positively.
"Oh, who cares? Let's just get down to business," Harry replied.
"How are we supposed to become Animaguses...or Animagi...in one night?" Ron wanted to know.
Emily smiled. "Brianne and I know the magic word that will help us become Animagi - Animaguses - whatever - quicker. Everyone, take out your wands and say 'Universary!' over and over again."
While this was going on, the Short Diana appeared outside, holding a paper. Patiently she waited for the Tall Diana to arrive.
When the Tall Diana arrived, she was somewhat irked that she had to go drag the Short Diana from Hogwarts again.
"Ah, good, you're here," the Short Diana said pleasantly to the fuming Tall Diana. "I have something to show you."
She unrolled her paper and held it up. "It's our story banner for The Strangers. I tried to put it on our autobiography page, but I couldn't figure out how to do so."
The Tall Diana took the paper.
"Hmmm, very funny," she approved. "I like the way you have the words 'Harry Potter' backwards."
The Short Diana was startled but quickly said, "Oh yes...ha ha ha...ha-ha..."
The Tall Diana smelled a rat. "You didn't even know you turned the letters backwards?"
"Well..." the Short Diana said weakly, reaching into her pocket and taking out a cookie.
The Tall Diana watched her eat the cookie. "What's that?"
"It's an almond cookie and it is a wonderful, delicious thing and I have a strange obsession with them today. Want one?"
"Sure," the Tall Diana said.
The Short Diana took two more cookies from her pocket and gave one to the Tall Diana. The other she looked at intensely. Suddenly her eyes widened.
"What's the matter?" the Tall Diana asked.
"The – almond – on – this – cookie – is upside-down!" the Short Diana cried. "I can't see the almond's brown stuff! For all I know this could be a peanut on my cookie!"
"What's wrong with a peanut cookie?"
"Everything!" the Short Diana yelled. "Who wants peanut cookies when they have an obsession with almond cookies? It's a scandal! An outrage!"
The Short Diana began to throw a tizzy fit.
"What exactly is a tizzy fit?" the Tall Diana wondered, frowning.
"It's what I throw when people give me peanut cookies instead of almond ones!" the Short Diana shouted as she threw her tizzy fit, throwing her cookie to the ground.
The Tall Diana picked up the cookie and pried the nut from it. "Hey, this is an almond after all. Look at the brown stuff on the other side."
The Short Diana stopped her tizzy fit in mid-stamp and took the cookie.
"Oh," she said, smiling sheepishly. "False alarm."
Then she went right on eating almond cookies until the Tall Diana pulled her away and out of the story.
A chant came from the greenhouse:
"Universary. Universary. Universary. Univers-"
"I feel ready," Emily broke into the solemn chant. "How about you guys?"
They all nodded.
"Okay. I'll go first."
Emily screwed her eyes shut. "Universary," she whispered one more time. Then the others watched, fascinated, as Emily changed into her Animagus form.
Suddenly, though, the moon went behind a cloud.
"Drat," Brianne muttered. "Lumos."
As her wand cast a beam of light upon the floor, she, Harry, and Ron saw Emily in her Animagus form.
"Whoa," Harry said.
"Wicked!" Ron exclaimed.
Brianne tried very hard not to laugh.
"Hee-haw!" Emily said, for she had turned into... a donkey.
"Hee-haw! Hee-haw!" Emily cried again.
Brianne answered, "I hate to break it to you... but you've turned into a donkey."
Emily began to wail. Her wail sounded like a donkey running, stopping for breath, not being able to breathe and coming back to life as it tried to sing the very, very high note on the song "The Phantom of the Opera".
Which wasn't all that surprising, seeing as she was a donkey.
"Emily," Brianne said, "this is no time to be singing "The Phantom of the Opera"! You've got to change yourself back."
Emily rolled her donkey eyes, twitched her donkey ears... and was Emily again.
"Oh!" she said dramatically. "I never want to be a donkey again as long as I live!"
"Who's going to go next?" Harry asked.
"You try, Brianne," Ron said quickly.
"Okay," Brianne said. "Here goes."
Harry, Ron, and Emily watched, fascinated, as Brianne began to change into her Animagus form.
Suddenly, the moon went behind another cloud.
"Do the clouds have something against us or something?" Ron wondered aloud.
"It's just more dramatic that way, mate," Harry explained, using his saving-people thing to save his best friend from a terrible fate- ignorance.
"Oh. Lumos!"
Emily saw what her best friend had become and burst into laughter. Her laugh sounded like a donkey running, stopping for breath, not being able to breathe and coming back to life with a snort. She was so engrossed in her laughter Harry and Ron couldn't even tell she was laughing except her mouth was wide open and her face was turning red from lack of oxygen.
"Brianne!" Emily choked out as soon as she could. "You've turned into a- a- a butterfly."
The small, blue butterfly that was now Brianne got a look of shock on her small, blue butterfly face. Emily could practically hear her screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as she knew her best friend was apt to do after being turned into something so unBrianne-ish like a butterfly.
Ron, too, was now laughing. Huffily, the blue butterfly speed-dove at him and began slapping him with her wings, presumably to kill him. However, she couldn't, because- well- there's no such thing as a killer butterfly.
Brianne soon realized this and hurriedly changed back, because there are such things as killer sixteen-year-old girls. But Emily and Harry rushed to the rescue, and they managed to save Ron before Brianne did any really permanent damage.
"Okay, smarty," Brianne glared at him. She was very ticked off. "Let's see you change into your Animagus form."
"Harry's younger," Ron said quickly. "He should go first."
"But, Ron," Harry answered just as quickly. "You're my elder. You should go before me."
"But alphabetically, it's your turn."
"Ladies first."
"Hey!" Ron protested.
"Can't argue on that point," Brianne said dryly.
Ron just stared at her and his mouth formed one word- "Why?" he whispered, his blue eyes filling with tears. "Why do you say things like that? Why did you hit me over the head earlier today? I love you! I love you, and I knew it since the minute we both wanted dumplings! Oh, the AGONY!"
He sobbed dramatically for a couple of minutes.
"That's so sad," Emily said, sniffling. Her sniffling sounded like a donkey running, stopping for breath, not being able to breathe and coming back to life while imitating Darth Vader.
Obviously the Short Diana was running out of ideas for this scene if she resorted to references to Star Wars, so Harry patted Ron on the back.
"Why don't we go get some food?" he suggested.
Promptly Ron stopped crying and forgot about his agonizing love as boys are wont to do when food comes into the picture, so they all headed back towards the castle.
"That's it?" the Tall Diana said in surprise as she popped next to the Short Diana.
"What's it?" the Short Diana asked. She was sitting on the stone walkway to the castle gates, legs sprawled out in front of her as she scribbled with sidewalk chalk.
"That's all that's going to happen? I'm surprised. Compared to your usual standards, that was a very tame chapter."
The Short Diana didn't answer, and the Tall Diana watched her draw a light purple flower with a yellow center, a dark purple flower with a yellow center, and a ladybug.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm drawing the ladybug's antennae on," the Short Diana answered.
"Do ladybugs even have antennae?" the Tall Diana mused, frowning.
"Silly," the Short Diana laughed. "Of course they have antennae! How else would they be able to listen to the radio?"
"You still haven't answered my first question. Is this chapter over, or do you still have more up your sleeve?"
"I've given up on my life of author insertion," the Short Diana said seriously. "From now on, my chapters will be short, make sense, and have no popping in and out of authors in them whatsoever."
"Really?"
The Short Diana nodded. She sat up. "Well, toodle-oo! I have to go start collecting tame ideas for my next chapter." She popped away.
The Tall Diana noticed the Short Diana had been blocking something on the sidewalk from her view. It was a message, right where the Short Diana's leg had been.
The Tall Diana read it:
Just kidding! Enjoy the rest of the chapter! Cheerio!
"Oh, great," the Tall Diana muttered. She heard voices and realized the characters were coming right towards her, so she popped out of the story, determined to catch that sneaky little Short Diana.
"Hey, you guys know what?" Brianne said.
"What?" the other three all said.
"While we're out of bed, we might as well do something completely crazy. I mean, if we're caught the punishment will be bad no matter what. If someone was going to hang you for stealing, you might as well commit a murder too."
"They'll hang us if they catch us out of bed?" Emily asked, looking worried.
"No! It's a simile." Brianne told her.
"I don't think so. Similes are comparisons using 'like' or 'as'."
"Then it's a metaphor."
"No," Emily said stubbornly. "It's not a metaphor either."
"It's a weird way of describing things," Brianne said, giving in.
"Now that I can understand," Emily said happily.
"What kind of really crazy thing should we do?" Ron wondered.
"Let's ride on the Knight Bus!" Harry suggested.
They all agreed that sounded like a dandy idea. So Harry stuck out his wand arm and the big purple bus stopped right on the Hogwarts walkway with a loud screech.
"Hi there," the conductor said as he jumped down in front of them. "I'm Chuck from Hong Kong who likes to play hockey and eat anchovies, and I'll be your conductor tonight. The fee to ride on the Knight Bus is eleven Sickles. For thirteen Sickles you can have all the ice cream you can eat, and for fifteen Sickles the driver won't sing to you."
"I thought Stan Shunpike was the conductor on the Knight Bus," Harry said, staring.
"He retired early," Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies explained. Which was a lie, but there's really no easy way to tell people that the conductor of the Knight Bus was kidnapped by the shorter of the two authors in the fanfiction you are in for plot purposes such as getting a guy who goes by Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies to be the conductor instead.
"Hmmm," Harry said. "Do you guys want ice cream?"
"Yeah!" they all chorused.
"I don't care if we get sung to," Emily said. "I like singing."
"Okay." Harry paid Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies thirteen Sickles for each person, or fifty-two Sickles to be exact, and they hopped aboard the Knight Bus.
When Harry entered the bus, he noticed two things. One was that instead of beds there were tall stools on wheels to sit on and the other was that there was a new driver.
"Hi," the driver said.
"Did Ernie retire too?" Harry asked.
"Yup," the driver said. Again, that was a lie, but easier than explaining the truth.
All of them got a good look at the driver. She was only a year or two older than them. Her hair was a long yellowish-blonde with pink and purple streaks and the pigtails she had put it into stuck out from under a poofy purple cap she wore on her head. Gold hoop earrings with plastic pink and purple flowers dangled from her ears, and she had a white guitar covered with pink flowers in her lap.
"I'm Megan," the driver said, smiling. "I'm the new driver."
"Swell," Brianne said. She ran over to a stool and, with some difficulty, pulled herself up onto it. She propped her feet up on a conveniently placed cart and removed her shoes, revealing one mid-calf length purple sock with a hole in the big toe and a mid-calf sock that was spring green with a periwinkle toe and heel and multicolored flowers on it.
"Ahem," Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies said. "Your feet are on my ice cream cart."
"Sorry," Brianne said, letting them dangle.
Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies pulled a plastic cover off of his small ice cream cart. "It's magical," he explained. "It holds more flavors than you can see. Here's a list." He handed each of his customers a piece of paper.
"We'll start going in a minute!" Megan called back to the passengers. "I just need to file my nails."
The passengers studied the flavors thoughtfully.
"I'll have Triple Ripple Double Trouble Chunky Chocky Chippy Fudge," Brianne declared. Ron took two scoops of the same thing.
Emily was still choosing a flavor. She decided that in a story with such a lack of logic, she needed to use logic to choose her flavor, just to balance things out.
She ended up choosing Rutabaga Raspberry Rhubarb Swirl. Her logic was this: She liked the word rutabaga. She loved raspberries. And rhubarb reminded her of pie, which reminded her of checkered cloth, which reminded her of the blue checkered dress Dorothy wears in the movie The Wizard of Oz, and Dorothy lived in Kansas. Kansas was where Emily was born, and anything that reminded her of her birth state had to be good.
Pleased with her logic, Emily stepped forward. "I'll have Rutabaga Raspberry Rhubarb Swirl, please." She was given a large cone of it.
It was Harry's turn. "Hey, Chuck, I'll have-"
Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies gave him a stare icier than the ice cream. "Excuse me? What did you just call me?"
Harry tried again. "Chuck who... lives in China... and likes to play Go Fish?"
"I have never been so insulted in my life!" Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies sniffed. "You can have no ice cream until you get my name right!" He slammed the ice cream cart lid closed and haughtily turned away.
Dejected by his lack of ice cream, Harry joined the others on their tall stools.
The others ate their delicious ice cream cones as Harry looked on sadly.
"This is delicious!" Emily exclaimed, practically inhaling her cone. The other two agreed. They went back for seconds. Harry tried again but still could not remember Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies' name, and so got nothing.
While they were chowing down on ice cream, the bus slowly began to move.
"Yay, here we go!" Emily and Brianne exclaimed together. They were very excited.
Suddenly, there was the strumming of a guitar.
Ohhhhh...
For PB balls, for PB balls
This is what you do
Get a big bowl (yes, a big bowl)
And a measurin' cup too.
The four Gryffindors clasped their ears, wondering what this terribly unearthly noise that sounded worse than Emily's laugh was, when they realized it was actually Megan singing a song that appeared –or rather, sounded- to be a ballad to the tune of "Clementine" about a recipe for peanut butter balls.
You need granola, and brown sugar
And some skim milk powder too
Raisins, sesame seeds or dried coconut
And of course, the PB too!
As if this wasn't bad enough, Megan could not both drive normally and play the guitar at the same time, so as she sang the song in her loud and screechy voice she drove with her feet. The stools slid everywhere and so did the four passengers on them.
"I got ice cream on my socks," Brianne shouted unhappily over the singing.
"My ears hurt," Emily said.
So did the others'. Harry knew he had to save them, so he approached Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies.
"Will you ask her to stop or something?" he asked.
"Sorry, you didn't pay to have the driver not sing to you."
Harry thrust his money bag at him. "How much?"
"Sorry, all services must be paid in full before the vehicle starts."
Take one cup granola
-that's 250 milliliters-
And you puuuut it in the bowl.
Add the same amount of skim milk powder
A-and put it in there too.
Then get your raisins, and brown sugar-
Measure haaalf a cup of each
"-That's 125 milliliters for you metric folk-" Megan added before getting right back into the song.
And then you dump 'em in the bowlie
And then in with your hands you reach!
The bus made a terrifying swerve, followed by a bump that reverberated through the entire structure.
"Did we hit something?" Brianne asked.
"Don't worry, it was only a person!" Megan yelled back to them.
A-mix 'em all up, mix 'em all up,
Till it all looks just the same.
When it looks like chunky white stuff,
You know you've mixed it up enough.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
"Just take the money, Chuck!" Harry bellowed, getting frustrated because he could not save them.
"My name is not Chuck!"
"Well, whatever-your-name-is, I want a refund!"
"You can't have a refund; we're already headed to your destination."
"But we're only going back to Hogwarts. Can't we just turn around or something?"
"Nope, our round-trip policy requires that first we make a loop through the Netherlands, Germany, Luxembourg, and France-"
"Ooh! France!" Emily exclaimed as the bus did a sudden three-sixty before continuing on. "Je peux parler français! Je l'ai pris pendant deux ou trois années au lycée! Excitation!"
They all looked at her oddly.
Take the peanut, take the peanut,
Take the peanut butter out
Fill two cups –that's 500 milliliters-
Then have fun trying to get it out!
"Oh, that would be fun," the Short Diana commented, appearing on a stool.
"You have made me so angry," Harry said over the music to Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies, "that I will have to sue you."
"Sue me?"
"Yes. I can see the case now. Harry Potter versus... versus... Chuck... Chuck who hails from... Oh, Merlin's beard!"
"You were saying?" Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies said, smirking.
"Speaking of suing...," the Short Diana said to no one in particular, "...I'm a little behind on my disclaimers."
The Short Diana's Other Other Disclaimer: Things I also do not own include the title song of The Phantom of the Opera as well as the high, high note in it, a donkey, Star Wars, and Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies, who I borrowed from my little sister and her friend. Let me add that I own neither of these children and am somewhat glad for it...
And then you dump it, then you dump it
Then you dump it in the bowl
"Ahhhh!" Ron cried in agony, sinking to the floor. "My ears!"
...I don't own Chuck's ice cream cart. I unfortunately at this time do not own any ice cream, either. I have in the past, but I ate it and it's probably digested by now. I don't own The Wizard of Oz, although I think I might own one-eighth of a borrowed copy of the movie, at least until we give it back after what so far has been about nine years of use. I'm pretty sure I do not own Kansas, but if I do it would come as a surprise to me since I have never been there. I don't really own Megan, because although I created her she was inspired by something else. I don't own her hair or the pigtails in it, her awesome purple poofy cap, her earrings, or her flowered guitar. Not that it would do me much good, seeing as I can't play the guitar...
"Oh, hello," the Short Diana said pleasantly to the Tall Diana, who had just appeared.
"Grash nikkel fortzzinger," the Tall Diana snarled, or something like it.
"Nice to see you, too."
...I do not own the song Megan is currently singing. It actually comes from Care Bears, a fun show I do not and probably never will own although somewhere I have a stuffed likeness of one of the characters, and it is sung by Brave Heart Lion, whom I do not own either, stuffed likeness or otherwise. I like the peanut suit he is wearing while he sings but don't own it. I also do not own the eventually-two-stringed guitar he plays on in the clip- not that I could play it any more than Megan's...
And then you mix it with the white stuff,
Commodunuity is your goal.
"Commodunuity?" the Tall Diana said flatly.
"Yup."
"And that means...?"
"Oh, it's not a real word. It's just what the track of the song sounds like. I can't figure out what the word actually is. I had to figure out all the words by ear."
And then you roll 'em, into ballies,
About one inch in diameter
That's two point fiiive centimeters,
About the size of a Ping-Pong ball.
"Stop, stop, stop!" Harry begged of Megan, but she paid him no heed as he dropped to his knees and fruitlessly attempted to shield his ears.
"How much longer?" Brianne moaned.
... I don't own the Netherlands. I don't own Germany, although I happen to be of German descent. I don't own Luxembourg and I don't own France. That would be pretty awesome though because I do enjoy escargot except it is so hard to get around here unless you want to go to a restaurant where everything costs like a hundred dollars and they have live peacocks roaming around. Which I do not think is a good policy, because there are those of us like me who are allergic to practically every living animal and would probably have an allergic reaction to peacocks if they got too close...
And then you roll 'em, in sesame seeds,
Or in toooasted coconuts
Put 'em in the refrigerator
...and that is definitely a shame.
"So is this chapter," the Tall Diana said.
"Hey, don't insult my chapter!" the Short Diana protested. "It took me three years to write!"
"Oh, yeah, we can definitely see how three years of experience and wisdom went into this chapter!"
"Well, it would have been done sooner if I hadn't still been waiting for you to write chapters four and six!"
Now you have your PB ba-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalls!
"Song's done." Megan announced.
"Thank heavens!" Emily exclaimed.
"My sentiments exactly," the Tall Diana said. "It's about time this chapter got over."
"Who said it was over?" the Short Diana said innocently.
I... feel a song coming on!
Emily fainted dead away.
And I'm a-warning you
It's a victorious, happy and glorious new strain...
"It's nearly over," the Short Diana promised. "Darn, now I need another disclaimer... because I don't own this song, either. I heard it in a children's musical that I attended last February, but I didn't own the theatre I saw it in or..."
"Just leave it," the Tall Diana said hastily, grabbing her arm. "No sense in running up the word count." And she popped them both out.
... You'll hear a tuneful story
Ringing through ya...
Many refrains later, all four of our characters lay motionless on the ground, listlessly staring at the ceiling of the bus, not even noticing the various objects that kept crashing into them, and wondering how much longer it could last.
"Ohhhhhhhhh," Harry moaned.
"This is horrible," Emily said tearfully. "OH! We will surely die!"
They all agreed with this sentiment.
...Love and glory, hallelujah!...
"Brianne," Ron whispered from where he lay a few inches away.
"Yes?" she said, turning her face so she could look at him.
"If we die... I have to know... how do you feel about me?"
"We're friends, duh. If we weren't, I wouldn't hang around you."
Ron swallowed his disappointment. "Nothing more?"
"Now why would you expect something more? You're dating Lavender."
"I am? No I'm not..."
"It said you were in the first chapter-"
"Ew!"
"- but now that I think of it, nothing's been said about it since."
"Dumb authors. Can't even keep their own characters straight," Ron muttered. "We are friends, though?"
"Certainly," Brianne reached into her conveniently deep pocket and pulled out a pencil. "Here. A token of our friendship."
"Thanks, dear Lady of the Pencil."
"You're welcome, valiant Redhead Knight."
"I'll keep it forever."
"You should. It's sparkly. Josh gave it to me."
"Then I don't want it," Ron said immediately, handing it back.
"Ronald. You're being ridiculous."
...And now that my troubles are gone
Let those heavenly drums go on drumming
'Cause I feel a song coming on!
Suddenly there was a beautiful sound. It was called silence.
"Hogwarts, ahoy! Everybody off!" Chuck-from-Hong Kong-who-likes-to-play-hockey-and-eat-anchovies called.
The four blinked, then slowly got to their feet and walked towards the door.
"Wait!" Megan said as Harry reached it and began to push it open.
They looked at her warily.
"You've been a great audience. In thanks, I would like to sing for you a song-"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Harry threw open the door, and the four Gryffindors jumped frantically from the bus and ran off screaming into the night.