A/N: Hi! Long time no see, you wonderful people. Hopefully you've been keeping busy and distracted. I'd hate to have a bunch of Phan deprived zombies just staring blankly at their computers for weeks on end. Nonetheless, I have returned! And I bear gifts of sex and stag parties, and a very intoxicated Dan. Enjoy! :D
Xo, Jennifer
~~
"If you would just listen for a second I'll explain." Dan groaned, exasperated, into his cellphone.
His mother had called to persuade him to leave Phil, and Dan was having none of it.
"Look, mum. I love Phil. I really, honestly do. I'd do anything to make him happy. And I understand you don't approve of our relationship, but I'm sorry. I'm not leaving him. I couldn't do that."
Phil was draped across the couch, somewhere between sitting up and lying down. He had been listening to the whole conversation. Well, Dan's side of it, at least. This wasn't the first time someone had tried to pull them apart. Various fans, 'friends', and family members had reasoned with them to split up. Yet they remained together, falling in love all over again every single day.
"NO, MUM. I know how you feel, but think of how I feel. My parents hate me, most of the fans hate Phil for dating me, and I've been abandoned by a lot of my friends. So don't you dare try to take my one source of love away from me." Dan was nearly yelling now, losing his self-control.
Knowing that Dan was so upset hurt Phil more than he knew he could hurt. Dan was his rock, his strength, and if he fell so would Phil. They had to keep each other strong. Especially while the world turned away from them.
"I can't leave him, mum. I won't do that." Dan sighed, falling into the couch beside Phil and grabbing his hand.
"I won't do it... because we're getting married." Dan could barely hide the glee in his voice. "I am marrying Philip Lester and that's the end of it. Now just stop trying to pull us apart."
Phil grinned to himself. Daniel Howell was marrying Philip Lester. But who would take the other's last name?
Philip Howell?
Daniel Lester?
They both had good flow. They rolled smoothly off the tongue. Maybe they would combine their last names.
Phil and Dan Lester-Howell.
Or Howell-Lester. Either way. As long as they had rings on their fingers and love to give, they were untouchable.
"He proposed to me actually. I don't see why you treat him like the girl in the relationship. We're both men, we both act like men; we deserve to be treated like men. If I wanted to date someone feminine I wouldn't be gay, would I? I prefer guys, mum. I prefer Phil." Dan stared at the wall intently.
Phil shifted until he was lying on the couch. He pulled Dan down so he was laying between Phils legs with his head on Phils stomach. He draped an arm across Phils thigh, trailing his fingers on the floor.
"Mummy, I'm done. I'm done having you ruin this relationship. I know it hurts you but it hurts me too. I love Phil and intend to marry him. You can either accept that or not but if you don't like it just keep it to yourself. I'll talk to you later." and just like that, Dan hung up his phone and pressed his cold lips to Phils skin.
Phil played with a lock of Dan's hair, watching the tension in Dan's body disappear. He hummed softly to himself as he brushed his fingers through Dans soft hair, restyling it and messing it up again, repeating the process several times.
"I get so tired of people trying to split us up. I mean, we love each other so why would they want to ruin that?" Dan rolled over, reaching back and resting his hands against Phils chest.
"People can be cruel, Dan. They can be heartless about stuff like this. Like, if they want something they'll cut anyone down to get it. It's totally unfair."
"That's life, though."
"Yeah. I suppose." Phil whispered.
At least they still had a few friends they could turn to. And a lot of the fans were thrilled beyond belief that they were together. There was already a new wave of 'Phan' videos popping up on YouTube. Some fan girl (there were hardly ever any fan boys) would be sitting in her room, listening to Panic! At The Disco and rambling to the camera about Phan and how they were totally real because blah blah blah... Either that or there would be some cheesy love song playing and a slideshow of pictures of Phil and Dan together.
"Doesn't that make you feel weird when people make videos about us? Like, it's just... ehhh." Phil shuddered.
"Well they're showing support. I mean, it's a bit creepy, a bit sad... At least they support us, though. It's sweet." Dan shrugged and stood up.
Phil pulled a pillow over his face.
"Nope! None of that! We're going out today." Phil peeked out from behind his pillow to see Dan standing with his hands on his hips, looking like a comic book hero.
"Since when?" Phil groaned.
"Since just now, you lazy bum." Dan pulled the pillow away.
"Uuuuuuugh." Phil rolled over until he was facing the couch.
Dans phone buzzed.
"Hello?"
It was probably someone else calling to tear them apart.
"Yeah we're home. Why?"
The door banged open and, like some campy military group, Tom, PJ, Alex, and Charlie stormed in.
"Wha-" Phil sat up and was immediately blindfolded by Alex.
They must have blindfolded Dan as well because Phil could hear him protesting.
"We're taking you out." PJ explained.
"We were already gonna go out!" Phil said loudly, tugging at the blindfold.
Someone swatted his hand away.
"Well that's cute and all, but looks like you're gonna have to do it another day." Charlie said, putting a hand on Phils back.
"Why?" Dan complained.
There was a brief collective pause in the room. In fact, all the noise stopped. It was pure silence.
"Stag party!" Yelled PJ, earning chuckles and light applause from the group.
Phil groaned again, standing up and wobbling. It was hard to keep his balanced with his vision impaired. He felt two pairs of hands guiding him to the door.
"I haven't even had breakfast yet!" Phil whined.
They were lead carefully outside and into a car. All those scenes of kidnapping and murder from the movies flashes through Dans mind. Obviously murder wasn't the intention, but he was blindfolded and thrown in a car so it wasn't completely ruled out. Once they started driving everything was explained with much laughter and joking around.
"We're taking you to some... secret places. You're each going to separate ones. And we're going to get you completely smashed." PJ managed to explain between bouts of laughter.
"Aw look they're holding hands." Tom chuckled.
"Why do we have to go to different places? Why can't we just-"
"Because, dear Phil, there's going to be things at each place specifically picked out for each of you. We know how your tastes vary." Tom said, playfully pushing Phils shoulder.
And so they drove on for several minutes until they reached their first location. The car door opened.
"C'mon Dan!" Giggled Charlie.
Dan sighed and leaned over, pecking some part of Phil.
"That was my chin, smart one." Phil said.
He grabbed Dans face between his hands and kissed him hard, biting Dans lip and letting out a small moan. There were loud cheers from the other boys, making both Phil and Dan smile against each other.
"Now go have fun, Danny-bear. I love you." Phil pushed Dan lightly, pecking his cheek once more.
Dan was led out by Charlie and Alex, leaving Phil with PJ and Tom. They hit the road once more, driving through town and away from Dan.
Tom was the one who broke the silence.
"So who proposed to who?" he asked.
"I proposed to Dan. I took him to the beach to this little inlet that was cut off from the rest and asked him to marry me." Phil beamed, recalling the day.
"Aw. So how did the fans take the news? Have you told them?"
"Oh my god. I've never seen so many videos of squealing fan girls in my life. Jeez they were popping up everywhere. And the comments... oh, the comments were just as bad." Phil laughed, shaking his head.
"It can't be as bad as when Alex found out. D'you remember, Tom?" PJ spoke up.
"Oh god, don't even bring it up." Phil could hear Tom roll his eyes.
"Tell meeee!" Phil begged, clasping his hands together.
"Well Alex called everyone at, like, two in the morning and was just crying into the phone. 'Dan is dating Phil and now they're getting married and it's so cuuuute!' It was the weirdest thing." PJ was laughing loudly now, causing Phil to laugh as well.
"At least Alex isn't afraid to show his feelings." Tom said, biting back his own laughter.
There was silence. Then a new, louder round of laughter started. Phil was clutching his sides, shaking his head at Alex's absurdness.
This went on for several minutes until they reached location #2.
"Let's do this!" Tom yelled, jumping out of the car and pulling Phil inside the building.
Someone removed his blindfold. The sight that greeted Phil was... well, empty.
It was a pub. A standard pub, with wooden tables and a little stage for karaoke and whatnot. But the only other person there was the gruff bartender, wiping the counter.
"Guys...?" Phil scanned room, under the tables, in the corners.
No one was hiding, ready to pop out and scare him.
No one was anywhere.
"Just go on in." PJ pushed Phil into the empty room.
"I don't know what you guys are planning but I'm getting a drink." Phil waived airily to the room at large.
He went up to the bar, ordered a pint, and sat on a stool, looking around the room again.
"Are we early or something? Phil asked.
"Right on time, actually." PJ said from a table across the room, turning back to Tom and continuing his conversation.
Across town, Dan fought his way through a crowd of people dancing to the blaring music.
"Where the fuck is Charlie? He promised to play Twister with me." Dan yelled.
He was slightly buzzed, having just downed a shot of... something. There were tons of people in the club, half of them he didn't even know. But they must have been friends to him at some point because they all seemed to know him pretty well.
"Charlie! Where are you, you slut?" Dan was screaming.
And then he saw Charlie. He was pressed against a wall with his hands in another mans back pockets, having his lips thoroughly kissed and nipped, in full view of everyone. They were grinding into each other, getting sloppier with each kiss.
Something in Dans head told him to leave them to it, but then another voice in his head urged him forward, shushing the first voice. Dan grabbed Charlie's wrist and pulled him away.
"I'll call you!" Charlie called over his shoulder.
"Come on, babydoll, let's play twister."
Charlie hiccupped and giggled, linking his arm with Dans. They made their way to a corner of the club and found the Twister mat all set up. A group of guys had just finished playing and were now patting each other's backs and laughing noisily.
Charlie went to one side and Dan took the other, kicking his shoes off. He thrust the spiny-colourful-thing into someone's hands.
They called out colours and body parts, pausing to sip their drink.
With every colour called Dan and Charlie became more and more entwined, trying to stay balanced. They found themselves face to face with their butts in the air. Someone came behind Dan and slapped his ass, much to the crowd's amusement.
Dan laughed and wiggled his hips, being a total whore and loving every second of it. Besides, this was his last chance to do it before he was married. He might as well make the most of it. Phil was probably doing the same, anyway.
But Phil was actually sitting alone... in a bar... drinking a beer... away from PJ and Tom.
A man walked in. He sat a few seats away from Phil and ordered his drink. He was probably a year or two older than Phil. He had blond hair that was just barely long enough to pull back into a ponytail. He wore it half up, with his bangs tucked behind his ear. A few strands of loose hair framed his face. Phil saw a small lip ring, almost unnoticeable, gleaming on the mans face. He had his eyebrow pierced as well.
The man was wearing a white dress shirt, a vest, dress pants, a tie (hot damn), and he had a briefcase. This was pretty standard since they were in the business district of the city.
Phil looked away, sipping his drink.
He was definitely attractive, that man. Hell, he was really, really fucking attractive. But Phil wasn't here to swoon at random men. He was here to... to what. To party? To get drunk alone while his two friends talked across the room?
Phil cursed quietly and took another sip of his drink. This was the cheapest beer in all of England. It tasted like someone had pissed in his glass. Great. Just great.
"Hey are you okay? You look like you're having a pretty rough day." The man spoke softly, but his voice caught Phils attention.
He didn't know this man. He's never seen him before. But why does he feel like telling this man everything?
Phil took another sip and turned towards the man.
"No, I'm actually not okay. I was supposed to be having my engagement party today but no one's showed up. So now I'm sitting here getting hammered all alone. It sucks. It really sucks." Phil felt angry tears sting his eyes but he blinked them away, turning back to his now empty drink.
"Jeez I'm sorry. That's awful." The man got the bartenders attention. "Could we get another couple of drinks over here? Thanks."
"Oh you didn't have to-"
"Nah it's fine. I know the feeling. I caught my fiancé with my best man on our wedding day." The man took a sip of beer and grimaced slightly.
"God..." Phil thought about Dan, about their wedding, about their relationship. He trusted Dan. He knew Dan wouldn't do anything like that...
"Yeah. Boys can be such whores sometimes." The man shook his head.
"Sorry, did you say boys?" Phil wasn't sure if he had heard right.
Please be gay, please be gay, please be gay.
"Yeah. Sorry are you- do you- I mean... I'm not trying to-" The man blushed a light shade of pink.
"It's fine. My boyfriend is a whore too. Of course, he's my whore, but still..." Phil smiled.
"So you're..." The guy trailed off.
"Gay, yeah. But most people call me Phil." Phil nodded, raising his glass slightly before downing his second beer.
The man chuckled and played with his own glass.
"Well most people call me Cam, if it's any interest to you. I'm at the tattoo shop across street." Cam held out his arm and showed off his own tattoos.
Even his name is sexy. Jeeeesusssss. Let me do unspeakable things to you, you perfect man. My legs are open. Ughhh.
Phil smiled and nodded.
"That's pretty cool. Maybe I'll stop by sometime and you can give me my first tattoo."
"I'd like that." Cam smiled a perfect smile, flashing his perfect teeth and- oh sweet lord he's got his tongue pierced.
Back in the club, Dan was standing on a table. The whole crowd was silent, watching with intense interest.
"... So that's why we should all thank the cookie monster for taking down the rival... stock market guys..." Dan hiccupped, waving his bottle of Jack Daniels around. (When he got drunk he didn't cut corners.)
"But couldn't he just have-"
"No. God gave us cookie monster for a reason. And that reason was to eat cookies and fuck bitches. And to take down the motherfucking stock market people. Now, let's get trashed, ladies." With that, Dan jumped off the table, immediately losing his balance and falling to the floor in a heap of laughter.
Everyone began dancing again, getting lost in the music. Several hands pulled Dan up, righting him and pushing him towards the bar.
"You guys... I'm gonna chug this whole bottle." Dan slurred, getting progressively more drunk by the minute.
He tipped the bottle back and took a huge swig, spilling the drink all down his shirt.
"I'M PLASTERED!" He screamed, earning a loud wave of applause and cheering.
He felt like he was forgetting something...
Phil. He had forgotten about Phil. Poor Phil. Poor Phil who was sitting with Cam, talking about how he proposed to Dan.
"... So he said yes, we went home, fucked like rabbits, and here I am, a month later, having a solo stag-party."
"Boriiiing!" a third voice cut in.
Phil spun around and almost knocked over his drink.
"Shit! When did you get here?!" Phil spoke to the packed room.
There were people he recognized and people he had never seen before. So many people.
"Just a minute ago. Cam, you were here early." Said Ed, aka Eddplant, aka Phils favorite cyber friend.
Phil cocked his head.
"How do you know-?"
"Well I wanted to see what I was working with. I won't charge extra, if that's what you're worried about." Cam laughed, hopping off his stool.
"What's going on?" Phil asked the room.
"You're getting yourself a lap dance, baby." Cam grabbed Phils hand and pulled him to the middle of the room.
Male stripper! Thank you Jesus! Thank you!
Cam pushed Phil into a chair and sat on his lap. A techno song started pouring out of the speakers, flooding the room with a pulsing bass-rhythm. Everyone gathered around, laughing and roughhousing. Most, if not all, of these men were straight. But this wasn't about them. This was about Phil. And the perfect man that was now grinding against him.
Cam giggled and flicked his hair, grabbing Phils hands and guiding them across his body. Phil could feel rock solid abs under Cams shirt. He slid his hands up Cams chest and pressed his erection against Cams.
With long, nimble fingers, Cam began unbuttoning his vest and shirt at an agonizing pace. Phil was tempted to help him, but decided to continue caressing Cam instead. The crowd around them was cheering, yelling out suggestions and being obscenely loud. It was perfect.
"Can I ask you something?" Phil whispered under his breath, so no one except Cam would notice.
"Mm?" Cam continued unbuttoning his shirt.
"Are you even a tattoo artist?" Phil slid his hands down Cams sides.
Cam chuckled and stood up, slipping his shirt off to reveal his perfect, ripped, tattooed body.
"This is just a side job. Body mods are my passion, really." Cam sat on Phils lap, facing out and pushing against Phils still clothed erection.
He grabbed Phils hands and set them, again on his burning stomach. Phil bit back a moan. Cams abs were amazing. Warm, hard, sculpted... Phil trailed his nails across Cams stomach.
"Fuck... Eager much?" Cam grinned.
Phil slid his hands down and began undoing Cams belt.
"Little bit." He whispered.
Cam spun around, removed his belt, and draped it around Phils shoulders like a necklace. He grabbed Phils face and pulled his hair, forcing him to look up and lock eyes with Cam.
"You ready?" he smoothed Phils hair.
"Are you?" Phil held onto his last shred of defiance.
Cam slid his pants down a bit, just enough to expose his deep v-lines. Phil half-moaned, half-chuckled, and completely lost his dignity.
But if Phil and Dan were having a contest to see who had less dignity Dan would be the winner. Partially because he had become so intoxicated he had forgotten why he was here. Also because he was now trying to sing karaoke, but was mostly just mumbling into the microphone, making occasional high-pitched humming sounds.
He was standing on a table, again, holding the mic and swaying, dangerously close to falling over.
Alex had convinced him to sing a song for the crowd, so he had. And now seemed like a really good time to vomit, in Dans opinion.
He doubled up and nearly fell off the table as he regurgitated the contents of his stomach. There was light laughter and a few groans of disgust from the others, yet no one stopped to help him.
This made Dan sad. Everything was making him sad. He didn't even know why he was sad anymore. He just needed to cry.
He climbed down from the table, somehow remaining upright, and pushed his way through the crowd of faces, sobbing quietly. He found Alex across the room, drinking a soda (god bless the designated driver), and talking to a few people.
"Allleeeexxxx..." Dan whined.
"Hey! What's with the tears? I didn't bring you here to cry." Alex jumped up and wrapped an arm gingerly around Dans shoulders.
He walked him to the back of the club and they sat on a bench together while Dan sobbed loudly.
"I JUST WANTED TO HAVE A PARTY FOR MY THING! I'M GETTING MARRIED AND NO ONE CARES. EVERYONE IS JUST DANCING AND DOING FUCK ALL AND I END UP STANDING ON TABLES SINGING KARAOKE." Dan was now attracting a bit of attention, loudly shouting, and cuddling Alex.
"I know, Dan. I'm sorry. We... We bought you a cake, if that helps. Do you want some cake?" Alex held Dan, swaying a bit.
"Caaake...?" Dan whimpered, pouting.
"Someone go get the cake!" Alex yelled.
Several people volunteered, leaving the packed club. Dan stood up and swayed.
"I need to use the loo." he stumbled to the bathroom, still crying quietly.
There were people in the bathroom. Two men having sex in a stall, three guys smoking weed, and a free urinal that needed to be cleaned... badly.
Dan was having the worst day ever. He was also having the best day ever, even though he was too drunk to tell. He vaguely recalled Alex mentioning earlier that there were gifts to be opened. He hoped that was soon.
Phil, on the other hand, was having the time of his life.
He was being visually fucked by the sexiest man alive, and he was still sober enough to know what was going on.
Cam sat back on a table across from Phil, leaning back on his elbows. His pants had slipped progressively lower on his hips, and he was now beckoning Phil to pull them completely off.
Phil stood up and pulled the black pants away, revealing a pair of tight, shiny, oh-so-small, leather booty shorts. Phil could die happy now. He almost wanted to die, because he didn't think it could get any better than this at the moment.
"C'mere, baby." Cam pulled Phil closer they were grinding into each other in full view of everyone.
Phil glanced over and saw a mixture of amused and shocked expressions coming from the crowd. Several people were cheering loudly, urging Phil and Cam to do much more... intimate... things.
Phil smiled and winked at the crowd, but he would go no further. (A/N: God I wanted to make them have hot, shameless public sex so bad…) He drew the line at grinding Cam. Anything more (even this is pushing it.) would be comparable to cheating on Dan. Phil would never do that. Even if Cam was now grabbing his ass and licking his lips.
Dan, contrastingly, was surrounded by attractive men and knew at least half of them were interested (according to his drunken mind). Somewhere during the party he had lost his shirt.
"Hey guys. Guys. I can taste my breath. I'm serious. This is weeeeird." Dan stumbled around the room, talking to himself, mostly.
"I wanna dance with someone!" Dan flung himself into the middle of the room and began dancing like an absolute twat, winking at someone wherever he made eye-contact.
Suddenly he found himself pinned between two guys. They introduced themselves, acting classy while still grinding against Dan. Very classy.
One of the guys, the one behind him, slipped his hand into Dans pants and cupped him gently, drawing a soft moan from Dan. Dan tilted his head back and pulled the other, slightly taller man down into a drunken kiss, wrapping his arms around the man. The man behind him had begun whispering illicit things in Dans ear, telling him what he wanted to do to him. His hot breath hit Dans skin and made him moan once more, causing the others to chuckle.
Alex appeared by Dans side and tugged his arm, dragging him away from the two men.
"Daniel Howell I can't believe you. This is your bloody engagement party. Not some massive orgy. We're leaving."
Dan pouted as Alex dragged him out of the club and into the street, pushing him against the wall.
"Now listen. I won't tell Phil this time. That's not my place. But I never, ever want to see something so... careless again. You know I care about both of you. I don't want anything to happen to Phil because of your mistakes, Dan..."
Dan was squinting into the brightness. He shushed Alex, making some half-assed apology. He wanted to get out of here. So he did. He started walking away.
"Hey!" Alex yelled at Dan but didn't pursue him.
Dan knew where Phil was. He was at the pub a few blocks away. He was probably opening gifts and doing stupid boring stuff like that. Phil never did anything exciting. Dan was the exciting one.
"Lame." Dan sighed aloud, stumbling ever nearer to the pub.
Phil was actually doing the exact opposite of what Dan had thought.
He was now being pinned between the wall and a very hot piece of ass. Naked ass.
Cam was 100% nude, trailing his fingers across Phils skin and flipping his hair, dancing to the music. He would occasionally pull Phil forward by his hips and rub against him, smirking as he did so.
Phil knew it was wrong. So was cheating at video games, but he did that too. He gripped Cams tie (bless the tie) and pulled him closer, wrapping a leg around him. Cam grinned and slid his hand across Phils thigh, up his side, and through his hair.
"So I have a question, Philip." Cam whispered against Phils skin.
"What would that question be?" Phil swallowed hard.
Cam pulled away and gyrated his hips, spinning in a slow, sensuous circle.
"Why aren't you getting naked?" Cam said loudly, throwing his arms out.
An uproarious cheer rose from the audience as Phil began pulling his shirt off slowly. He tossed it aside and sauntered around the room.
"Happy now?" he laughed.
Cam grabbed Phil by the hem of his pants and pushed him onto a table. He crawled on top of Phil, straddled him, and pressed a hand against Phils bare chest as he ran the other one through his hair.
The crowd was going mad. Clapping and cheering constantly now.
Cam noticed the look on Phils face, leaning in slightly so no one else would hear.
"Relax. This is as far as I'll go. I'm not in the habit of ruining relationships."
Phil smiled and pushed his hips up just slightly. Cam chuckled at Phils eagerness. He shifted his hips, rocking them back and forth to the music. Bending down, Cam slid his body over Phils and ended up between Phils legs. Phil touched the side of Cams face and winked. He threw his head back and moaned as Cam trailed his nose up Phils thigh, across his erection, and began placing small kisses across Phils stomach. Phil had a hand on the back of Cams head and was urging him on, moving beneath him.
"WHAT THE FUCK, PHIL? WHAT THE FUCK?!" Dan was here. A very drunk Dan.
Phil sat up and searched the room for his fiancé, pushing Cam away.
"HOW COME HE GOT A STRIPPER?!"
"Shit. My boyfriend's here." Phil whispered to Cam.
"Aw okay. It was fun, Phil." Cam smiled, taking a few steps back.
"Yeah. We'll have to do it again sometime." Phil chuckled, raising a hand.
Cam laughed and grabbed his shorts from the floor, pulling them on and sitting at the bar. He ordered a drink and faded into the shadows.
Phil made his way through the crowded room, grabbing his shirt and pulling it on as he did so.
"Hey, gorgeous." Phil held his arms out for a hug.
Dan looked awful. His eyes were bloodshot and he was staggering around with a mystified look on his face. When he saw Phil he blinked for several seconds before collapsing in his arms.
"I. Am. Drunk." Dan babbled, acting like the world's most serious five year old.
"Yes you are. Let's get you in the car." Phil wrapped his arm around Dans waist and pulled him towards the door.
"I'm sad." Dan said flatly.
"Why, baby?"
"You got a stripper and all I got was drunken Twister." Dan flopped into the car.
"That explains why your shirt is inside out. How was the party?" Phil struggled to keep Dan upright.
Dan sighed hard.
"Fiiiine." He groaned, acting like a little kid who had become annoyed by their parent.
Phil shut the car door and climbed in on the other side.
"Where are the others?" Phil asked, gripping Dans sweaty hand.
Dan slurred and mumbled something.
Tom opened the door.
"Alright, you guys. Let's get going. I don't want Dan in here when he passes out, because I am NOT carrying him up to your flat."
"Fuck you. I'm fine." Dan groaned, flopping forward and hiccupping.
Tom gave Phil a pitying look and started the car. They drove home quietly, save for Dan, who had begun tapping the window and singing Mary Had a Little Lamb under his breath. Phil, who hadn't even gotten truly drunk, was already sober for the most part. He still had to resist the urge to laugh at random. Dan wasn't helping.
"Why would you bring a fucking lamb to school? Fuuuuck." Dan head-butted the seat in front of him.
Phil had forgotten how obscene and obnoxious Dan could get when he was drunk. At least he was properly drunk. Go big or go home, he always said.
As they drew nearer to the house Dan made an announcement.
"I need to poo." He said monotonously.
"Not in here, you don't." Tom warned, driving just a little faster than before.
"I'm gonna poooop!" Dan whined.
Phil began scooting to the other side of the car.
"Hold it in, Dan! Clench everything!" Tom said loudly.
"God, just pull over! Pull over!" Dan shouted.
"We're in the middle of town, you idiot! You can't just poop on the side of the road!" Tom shouted back.
"Jesus Christ, Dan. Just use this!" Phil shoved a small glass bowl into Dans hands.
"This was a gift..." Dan said, suddenly sober.
"Now it's a toilet. Do your business." Phil turned away.
"Don't you dare. Don't you DARE." Tom yelled.
"THIS WAS A GIFT. WHO SHITS IN THEIR GIFTS?!" Dan cried.
Phil banged his head on the window.
"Do you shit in all your gifts, Phil?! Is that how you say thank you? Or just the ones you don't like?" Dan poked him.
"Look, do you need to poop or not?" Phil yanked the bowl out of Dans hands.
"Well I guess not, since you took the bloody bowl." Dan turned his back on Phil.
Phil turned his back on Dan.
From the front seat a small giggle could be heard.
"Piss off, Tom." Dan folded his arms, making Tom laugh once again.
Tom parked outside their flat and threw open Dans door. Out tumbled a drunken ball of Dan who immediately began yelling loudly about how he hadn't even pooped yet.
Phil came around the car and grabbed Dans belt-loops. He pulled Dan up and, with Toms help, dragged him to the lift.
Dan was like a rag doll, falling into Phil and Tom, unable to stay upright.
"I'm tired." Dan whispered.
"We all are, Dan." Tom said, pulling him out of the lift.
"I love you, Tom."
"I erm... I love you too, Dan." Tom said, glancing at Phil.
"Phiiil."
"What Dan?" Phil said, wrapping an arm around his fiancé.
"I'm gonna marry Tom." Dan rested his head on the shoulder of a slightly put-off Tom.
"I don't think so..." Tom used his free hand to push Dans head towards Phil.
Dan sighed. He then proceeded to laugh loudly at everything. Including the drinking fountain, the window, a painting, and the door to their flat.
The two boys guided Dan to the couch, where he immediately passed out.
Phil exhaled the breath he had been holding in. He arranged Dan so he would be more comfortable. Tom followed him into the kitchen and collapsed in a chair, absolutely bushed from moving Dan.
"So I'll pick up the stuff tomorrow, if that's okay." Phil said quietly.
"Hmm?"
"The gifts. They're in your car."
"Oh right. Okay. Yeah just stop by whenever." Tom nodded, pressing his hands together.
After a moment of quiet, Phil spoke up again.
"Thank you, Tom. This was perfect."
"No worries. I just figured you guys could use a break." Tom stood up and pulled his coat on.
Phil walked him to the door, checking on Dan as he went.
"I'll probably stop by in the morning to pick up the gifts." he said.
Phil gave Tom a quick hug, said his goodbyes, and shut the door. He walked to his room and locked the door, then turned on the tap in the bathroom to drown out any sound.
Then Phil cried. He cried and cried and cried for no reason whatsoever. He was pressed against the bathroom door and slowly slid down it, landing in a sobbing heap on the floor.
He could taste his tears and that only made him cry more. The fact that he had to stifle his sobs, to hide his feelings... It was terrible. But the worst part is that Dan couldn't comfort him, because Dan was passed out on the couch.
Phil sobbed harder. He was crying so hard he had started coughing, doubling up as pain wracked his body, ending up curled on the floor. There was a little ball of dust next to him. Every breath Phil exhaled made it shiver and glide across the tiles.
He laid there for a long time, no longer crying, simply whimpering and sniffling weakly. He stared at the ball of dust, reached out, and touched it with shaking fingers. The tub had started to overflow. The water splashed onto the floor, onto Phils legs.
Still he laid there. He felt the water soaking into his clothes, spreading out across the floor. When it touched his neck it was like he was suddenly awake. He stood up and turned off the water, using several towels to mop up the overflow.
After drying the bathroom and changing into more comfortable clothes, Phil checked his hair and went into the living room to keep watch over Dan. He sat on the couch, pulling Dans legs on top of his own. Dan mumbled and shifted a bit. He opened his eyes slightly.
"Wha's it?" Dan mumbled.
"It's just me. Go back to sleep, baby." Phil rubbed Dans leg.
"Uhluvyuh Phil." Came the slurred response.
"Hmm?"
"I love you." Dan groaned, throwing his arm over his face.
"I love you too, Dan. Now shut your eyes." Phil began massaging Dans legs gently, glancing over to see an already sleeping Dan snoring with his mouth wide open.
"Goodnight, Daniel..." Phil whispered to his sleeping counterpart.
Hours passed. Every minute was a lifetime. Every breath was filled with every word Phil wanted to utter, to shout, to scream. But he simply stayed quiet and stared at the blank TV, slipping into a dazed state, forgetting time, forgetting to feel.
He was snapped into his senses by a swift kick to the face.
"AHH! MOTHER OF FUCK!" Phil clutched his face, throwing Dan, who had evidently kicked Phil in his sleep, to the floor.
"FUCK!" Phil screamed, running blindly through the house.
He ran into the bedroom and was suddenly tackled onto the bed. Dan straddled Phil and pinned his shoulders down.
"PHIL. For the love of god... please shut up. Please." Dan gave Phil a little shake.
"You kicked my face, you prick!"
"I'm sorry, okay?! Now. Please. Shut. Up." Dan accentuated every word by shaking Phil.
Phil stared Dan down as much as he could, given that Dan was on top of him. He then proceeded to drive his knee into Dans lower back. Dan cried out in pain and rolled onto his side.
"Fair's fair." Phil smirked.
"So that's how we're playing it? Alright then." Dan jumped back on Phil and began tickling him, making Phil writhe and laugh under him.
"Ah! You- you asshole! N-not fair!" Phil squeaked between laughs, trying to push Dan away.
"Fair's fair, love." Dan said, mocking Phil.
Phil glared at Dan, trying to control his laughter. He wrapped his arms around Dans neck and pulled him down, smashing his lips against Dans with no amount of gentleness.
"You cause me too many problems, Daniel." Phil whispered, kissing Dan lightly.
"You know what the problem is? These clothes." Dan spoke against Phils lips, tugging shirt.
Phil grinned, his teeth knocking against Dans as he worked his way out of his shirt. Dan, still straddling Phil, pulled his own shirt off and threw it aside. He leaned down and kissed Phils shoulder, working his way across Phils collarbones and up his neck.
"Pants?" Phil inquired, moving to unbutton Dans jeans.
"In time." Dans voice was soft and even, completely in control.
Phils hands glided up Dans body and came to rest on the pillow next to his head.
"I thought you were hung-over." Phil said softly.
"I am. But it's okay. I'll be fine." Dan continued covering Phil in kisses, occasionally nibbling Phils flushed skin.
"Dan...?" Phil stared at the ceiling while he played with his hair.
"Hmmmmm?" Dan licked his way from Phils navel to the hollow in his neck.
"I'm scared."
Silence.
"Dan?"
"Of what, babydoll?"
"Of getting married." Phil shut his eyes tight.
He felt Dan sigh against his neck before sitting up. Dans eyes roamed the room.
"Why?" He ran a finger down the side of Phils face.
Phil had grown cold and began to shiver. He pulled Dan down again, seeking his warmth. Dans head was heavy against Phils chest, his eyelashes tickled Phils skin.
"Because what if we're too young? What if we're not ready for that kind of commitment? I'm just worried it's not going to be the same." Phil threw his arms out, sprawling out on the bed.
The silence hung heavy in the air.
"Do you want to end it then?" Dan whispered.
"End...?"
"The engagement? The relationship? Everything? Is that what you want to do?" Dan actually sounded scared.
What if Phil said yes? What if he wanted to end everything?
Dan was tugged up until he was face-to-face with Phil.
"I love you. I love you so fucking much, Dan. The thought of losing you terrifies me. You're so precious to me that I wouldn't even be able to go on if you weren't with me. The fact that you think I want to break up just... Please don't ever think that, baby. I swear I'm not leaving."
And with that, Phil pulled Dan into a fierce kiss, clutching Dan to him and letting a single tear slip from the corner of his eye, across his temple, and into his hair. Dan locked his legs with Phils and ran his hands through Phils hair.
"I love you too, Phil. We'll make it work." Dan kissed his way down Phils chest and pulled down Phils pants with ease.
"Going commando, are we? Where's your underwear, you whore?" Dan chuckled.
"Ah. See, I was having a cry in the bathroom and the tub overfl-"
"Why were you crying in the bathroom?" Dan cut in.
"Well because I was sad and scared and depressed and buzzed. Anyway, the tub overflowed so I-"
"Awww Phil..."
"Dan. Shush. The tub overflowed so I got wet and changed into sweats and skipped the boxers and that's that so please just suck me because I'm really impatient and you're literally right there so please just do it." Phil spoke rapidly, avoiding being cut off again.
Dan blinked up at Phil for a moment before swallowing his hard member whole. Phil gripped the headboard and gasped, twisting his hips at the feeling of Dans fantastically hot mouth working him over. He never got tired of sex with Dan. It was always as fun as the first time.
"Ow! No teeth." Phil smacked the side of Dans head.
Dan rolled his eyes at Phil and released him with a wet 'pop'.
"So what's the plan today, dear?" Dan asked walking round to the side of the bed.
"Have a seat, Dan."
"Oh, I'm fine. I-"
"Dan... Have a seat..." Phil gestured to his erection, catching Dans eye.
"Has anyone told you that you look kinda like Johnny Carson? Like he and Eddie Izzard had a love child." Dan bit the tip of his thumb.
"Aw are we being a chicken today? C'mon, silly." Phil teased.
Dan groaned and bent over the bed, eye to eye with Phil as he sucked a finger in his mouth and proceeded to slide it into his own entrance.
"Why Eddie Izzard, though?" Phil ran his fingers through Dans hair.
"Because you look like him." Dan winced as he evidently added another finger.
"Bullshit." Phil smirked and tugged Dans arm.
Dan crawled on the bed and positioned himself above Phil. He hissed softly as Phil entered him, but the noises changed from noises of pain to noises of pleasure almost instantly. They moved in sync and, once they found their rhythm, got lost in each other.
All jokes were cast aside, and the two boys shared small kisses as Phil thrust into Dan. The sound of their heavy breathing and soft noises of pleasure were the only sounds in the room.
Dan rolled over and pulled Phil on top of him, gasping as Phil hit home. Phil smirked and pushed Dans legs apart, gaining deeper access. Dans hands were in a vice-grip around Phils sides and his nails dug into Phils skin. He craved more.
Phil leaned in until his hair brushed Dans chest. He kissed a trail up Dans skin until he reached Dans ear.
"Get on your knees." Phils breath assaulted Dans ear.
Dan complied and rolled over, grabbing the headboard and hanging on for dear life. Phil reentered him and pumped Dan quickly, biting down on his neck lightly.
"Fuck, Phil. Harder!" Dan gasped, throwing his head back.
Phil chuckled and thrust into Dan as hard as he could go, making them both moan loudly.
"That's- ahh- that's more like it!" Dan pushed back into Phil, letting out a low growl.
Phil sucked his fingers into his own mouth, coating them with saliva. He pulled them out and stuck two in his own entrance, making a small noise of approval as he hit the bunch of nerves he was looking for.
And so Phil fucked Dan as he fingered himself, pushing them both closer to their orgasms with each thrust. Dan pulled Phil into a messy kiss, putting a hand at the back of Phils head and fisting his fingers in Phils hair.
"You almost there, sweetheart?" Phil whispered, responding to Dans loud moan.
Dan let his head rest against the wall and groaned. He took over stroking himself and had begun shaking, being none too quiet as his climax got closer and closer.
Phil, on the other hand, was quietly coming undone on his own. He bit his lip and curled his fingers inside himself, biting back every moan that threatened to pass his lips. He wanted to let Dan go first.
It was a matter of seconds before Dan tightened around Phil. He clutched the headboard and let out a scream of pleasure as he came, pushing back against Phil.
Phil pulled out of Dan (even though he didn't want to, dammit) and pulled his fingers out of his own ass, sitting back and watching Dan pull himself back together.
"Lay down." Dan gestured to the bed, still panting heavily.
Phil kissed Dan hard and lay on his back. Dan pushed Phils legs apart and licked up his length. Phil shuddered and moaned, his hands automatically working their way into Dans hair.
"Mmm fuck yes..." Phil pushed his hips up, rolling them slightly as Dan's mouth worked wonders on him.
He felt a pool of heat spreading rapidly downward from his stomach. He wasn't going to last any longer.
Phil dug his nails into Dans scalp and drew his legs in as he came down Dans throat, crying out and not caring who heard him.
Dan threw Phils legs off of him and rolled on his back, gasping for air.
"We need to quit making such a mess on the bed." Dan whispered hoarsely.
All Phil could do was giggle dumbly, still in a haze after his orgasm.
"We'll change the sheets tomorrow. But for now I'm going to sleep." Dan got up and shut the bedroom light off.
It wasn't exactly nighttime yet. There was a weak orange light coming into the room from the setting sun, but they didn't mind. An early night was good every so often.
"Remind me to pick up our stuff from Toms place tomorrow." Phil said, crawling under the blankets and relishing the feeling of the cool linen on his warm skin.
"Will do." Dan whispered, spooning against Phil.
Dans fingers trailed across Phils skin, making invisible patterns and trails. There was a cricket nearby, playing them a song.
"Dan?"
"Yeah, Phil?" Phil could hear the drowsiness creeping into Dans voice.
"I meant what I said earlier. I love you. I always will."
Dan kissed Phils shoulder and rolled on his back.
"I still think you look like Johnny Carson and Eddie Izzard's love child."
"Piss off, you weirdo." Phil laughed and gave Dan a light kick under the covers.
Dan chuckled and grabbed Phils hand.
"I love you too, Phil."
Phil smiled in the near-darkness. He was going to marry this man.
They would finally become Phil and Dan Lester-Howell. Or Howell-Lester. Either way.
Is that wedding bells I hear? They sound like they're about… a chapter away, more or less. (Hint, hint) I'm so subtle. XD
So as per usual, reviews are lovely, blah blah blah.
And thank YOU for reading and not punching me in the face for being so indecisive and shameless. .3.