Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I own nothing

After Guard: Sunday

It's Sunday, and I can't wait until my day off. I find myself in desperate need of a break, with the way things have been going I can't think without something distracting me. I am beginning to get annoyed with myself, seeing as though I can't focus anymore.

Pounce has been restless lately, he won't tell me anything about it, but I can feel his anticipation, something is coming, when he acts strange that is the only explanation.

I really don't see why he can't tell me. I put up with his behavior every day, and the one time he could be helpful, he leaves me. Stupid fur ball! He won't like that, but I don't care, I am seriously considering changing back to his nickname.

Being a Dog has, to say the least kept me entertained. I have had so much work I've had to do, thoughts seem to escape me.

Sometimes that's a good thing, right now I want to keep my petty issues out of my brain. Well specifically one issue, Rosto. My mind always wanders back to him, but with so much to keep me busy I can't think long enough to make anything of it. Sometimes this is a blessing, other times, it can be a distressing.

Tunstall and Goodwin caught me off guard anyhow, scattering my train of thought, and leaving me with more to worry about. They had found my new partner, and he was supposed to be good.

That isn't saying a lot since most Dogs call themselves good, when they really do nothing helpful. I asked who it was, but they refused to tell me, to them it would be better a surprise, that in itself was aggravating.

Of course I didn't ask for more details, I never wanted to be a nag, but curiosity brimmed. Also with it, a sort of sadness. This was going to be my last night with my Dogs. The reality of it was bittersweet.

I would miss Goodwin's sharp anger, and sarcastic retorts, and Tunstalls sweet, yet tough ways. The two of them made me proud to be a Dog, and together we made an unstoppable team. But I would make a new start, make my own reputation, become as good as them, even better. Though I highly doubt that.

We all seemed melancholy as we made our rounds through the Cesspool, even Tunstall was acting halfway normal. Seems he wouldn't be seeing Sabine tonight, and I half wondered if the downcast look on his face was because of that.

"Don't worry, Sabine wanted to come out tonight, but Tunstall said no," she smirked at the shocked look on my face. I never thought Tunstall would decline such an offer, but maybe my opinion of him had been sinking since he fell for a noble. I chided myself for being so stupid. "He's just as disappointed that we couldn't keep you as a Pup for longer. Just between you and me, he has made sure that your new Dog isn't a total slum."

I nodded, and gave a small smile. Tunstall may be large and daunting, but he had a soft side, and I couldn't help but hold back another surge of sadness. Goodwin gave me a last smile and a wink before continuing her conversation with Tunstall.

My first night as a Puppy came back to me, and I remembered it clearly now. This would be the end of my time with my Dogs, and I wanted it to be exciting, to be as memorable as our first guard.

I was not let down, not in the least. We broke up a large, and trust me I am not exaggerating, very large riot. It seems a good bunch of children had been taken earlier in the day, and now the parents had tracked down the slave traders who had done it.

That was different, since I know most children taken never return home, and parents had never gone to this extreme. I guessed it was the sheer amount of children stolen, all from the same area. Not a good idea on the traders part.

I got a few bruises to add to my growing collection, since I have been distracted during practice, and I received more blows then usual. I even got a bloody nose, and I swear I felt a few of my teeth loosen as a chair was thrown at me. I had barely reacted in time to stop the bigger part of the damage.

We also walked in on a bar fight, breaking it up simply by Tunstalls roaring voice. Foist were sprouting out of nowhere, or maybe they had always been there, but tonight we caught a good deal of them.

The paper work stacked higher and higher, as each of our victims were sent off the kennels, I could almost see the long day in court ahead of us. Though at the moment I felt good, me and my Dogs were doing what we did best. For the last time.

We spent the rest of our shift working harder then I ever believed we had. Taking our worn bodies to the Mantel and Pullet, sitting at our normal table, going through a normal routine. I tried to act like it was normal, but we all knew the reality behind the night, and none of us wanted it to end.

It seemed like we did everything ten times more then we normally did. When a joke was made, we laughed harder, when we discussed the night, we listened more, when we ate, we ate longer. I know I am not putting it in the right words, but it just seemed as though we needed to make tonight, well better then the others. Needed to make it stand out, needed to fully take in the last time I would work with them.

I don't know why I felt so welcome in this group, we were all so different, but over the months we had become so close. I didn't know what they would miss more, my hunting skills, or me. I think it's a little of both, but I know for all its worth I will miss them. The remainder of our evening was spent avoiding the situation slowly approaching.

I know I needed to make it back to the kennels, to finish up the paperwork we knew we had collected, but as we left our eating place, yes it was ours, along with others yes, but to me it was our place, I was steered away from the kennels.

"Now, now Beka you don't really think we'd make you use your last night with us doing paperwork." I tried to protest, and they let me, listened to my soft voice as I tried to explain why I wanted to go, wanted to help. My argument was only waved away, as I knew it would be.

"Go home, get some rest, we have court tomorrow, that should be interesting." Tomorrow would also be the day I would get reassigned to a new partner, none of us mentioned that. I could only nod, feeling weariness tug at my bones.

Tunstall shook my hand, then pulled me in a tight hug, my already aching body screaming in protest to this new abuse. I smiled up at him, feeling tears come to my eyes, trying to wipe them away without anyone noticing.

"I'll miss you Terrier." I laughed as I told him how much I would miss him too.

Goodwin also shook my hand, her manners brisk and direct, she hesitated for a moment, then pulled me into a hug too, it was short, and a whole lot less painful, but with Goodwin I knew it meant a lot. She looked away, and for a moment I imagined tears lined her eyes as well, but of course it was just a trick of my eyes, because when I looked back at her, she had placed her normal cynical expression on.

"You were good kid, I hate to admit it, but I'll miss you too." It wasn't the most dramatic farewell ever, but we would see each other again, just not as partners. I told them goodnight, and headed on my way before the tears would break free of their bounds. I heard Goodwin smack Tunstall, and chuckled to myself when I heard her say,

"Ok Tunstall, no more Puppies from now on. Not if I'm going to get like this!" I was far away, but I heard the laugh that echoed around the street.

"I could never have another Puppy, anyone else would be a disappointment." I was glad my back was turned, because whatever composure I had mustered, broke down then. Tears streamed down my face, as I choked up. How much I would miss those two!

I knew I should have been thinking about Rosto, knew I should have been weighing what he had said, what he had done, what I had said, what I had done. What I had done was make a complete fool of myself in front of him, added to the special bonus of insulting, and driving him away. All in all a horrible mix. My traitor mind wanted nothing to do with that thought, and kept skipping the obvious question. 'Why didn't I defend myself? Why didn't I tell him the truth?'

The answer was, and trust me I tried to find another way, but there is no other was. The answer was, that he had hit a nerve. I loved kissing him, loved being in his arms. Hated knowing I could always live with him, and always be happy. Hating the fact I would never be his one and only, hating the fact he told me I would be. Hating the fact that my heart believed him.

I didn't want a rusher, yet I wanted Rosto, more then anything, even sometimes, more then being a Dog. I still want him, but I've lost him, I could never bring myself to fully love him, no matter what my heart said, though I had lost the one thing that had been important, I had lost his friendship.

My mind was trying to protect my heart, because mixed with the emotions of finally leaving my Dogs, the truth finally crashed down around me. It was only minutes after I came home from my guard that I knew I could no longer hold it all in. I had though I had lost my composure after the farewells with my Dogs, but that was nothing like what happened to me then.

I had barely gotten passed Aniki, darn rusher always knowing when something's wrong. I gave some excuse neither of us believed, but was the only thing my nerve wracked self could manage. She let me go, thanks the Gods, she did. I don't think I could have waited another minute.

I shut my door slowly, not wanting to disrupt my household. Then the real sobs came, busting out of me, from Gods know where. My whole body shook with the impact of the tears, my cries muffled by the pillow I found lonely on the floor. I wanted to stop, wanted to be strong, but I couldn't, no sane person could.

I was Beka, I was a Dog, I was a Terrier. Though right now I was a girl, just another teenage girl, another girl that needed time to cry, to vent, to let it all out. I wanted to be comforted, wanted someone to come and tell me everything would be all right, someone to shake me out of this mood I had found.

The only person that could do that, that could jolt me out of this, was Rosto. "I screwed that up didn't I?" I couldn't help whispering to the confines of my pillow. My tears continued on, for a longer time then I am proud of saying. Though they stopped at some point, I changed out of my uniform, and dragged myself to bed.

It was only later that I decided to write in this journal. I didn't want to report on my weakness, but as a Dog we can't skip out on details, not one. No matter how gruesome, or terrible it was. That is why I wrote this, partly to maintain some of the pride I had left, partly to really finish my venting. Partly to document what will be the last of many things.

So this entry is to my Dogs, and to Rosto, for what always was, and for what never will be again.

Wow, ok I didn't mean to write so much, it just kind of took off by itself. I hope I didn't bore anyone too much, and sorry if I went out of character, I know Beka wouldn't have broken down quite so much, but once I started I couldn't let myself stop. I wrote it in a spur of the moment way, so some phrases might now be too clear. I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to ask questions, I have a few myself ha-ha ;)