Chapter 7

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

I am a complete and utter moron.

She hits the nail right on the head and reaffirms what I've known since junior high. She said that all I was good at was walking away and what do I do?

I freaking walk away.

Two days later, I'm still beating myself up about this. She just accused me of abandoning her and I walk away. I'm only proving her right.

Well, I refuse. I can't let her think she's right. I won't let her think she's right. She can't be right. I'm more than just a pair of two-million-dollar-a-year hands and legs that walks away whenever I'm forced to face the facts. I have to believe that I'm more than that. And I have to be more than that because if I'm not, then I don't deserve her.

That's why I found myself that night leaning against the empty nurse's station, holding Dr. Hahn's card in one trembling hand while holding my phone up to my ear in the other.

"Hello?" a voice answered.

"Dr. Hahn? This is Dr. Shepherd."

"Is Meredith okay?" was her first question. In that instant, I felt so grateful that she was so concerned for her patient, even if it was her duty.

"She's no worse than she was yesterday," I replied, which was true; I stole her charts when no one was looking.

"Good. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?"

I swallowed. Don't walk away, Derek. Don't you dare walk away from this. "I'm calling because I want to get tested."

"Oh yes, that's right," she said. "Well tomorrow afternoon, two of her friends are coming to Mercy West to get tested. Would you like to come with them?"

My first reaction was no. I didn't want Meredith to know that I was getting tested and I knew the group she hung out with. Undoubtedly if they saw me, they'd tell her. But once again, I was running away. And if I was serious about winning her back, I'd have to go through her friends first.

"Okay," I finally conceded after a long, contemplative pause. This was the beginning; this was the beginning of my confrontations. "Okay," I repeated, as if to reassure not only Dr. Hahn, but myself.

"Alright then. Does four o'clock sound good to you?"

"Sounds great."

"Okay then. See you tomorrow, Dr. Shepherd."

"If Bailey sees me with this, I'm blaming it on you," Cristina hissed as she passed me the pint container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. I eagerly accepted it into my bone brittle fingers.

"You are a true friend," I said gratefully after she handed me the spoon to go with it. Before anything else was said, I uncapped the container and dug in, relishing the luxurious feel of the icy cold cream melting across my tongue. "Oh this is pure heaven."

"So," Cristina said as she watched me enjoy my ice cream, "Evil Spawn and I are getting tested this afternoon."

"I know," I replied, trying to make a heavy situation lighter. "Evil Spawn told me."

Making sure no one was looking, she pulled out an extra plastic spoon from the pocket of her lab coat and dug in. "We're going to have to find a new name for him, you know."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Something less conspicuous."

"We could just call him Karev."

"That could work."

We stayed silent for a little while as we shoveled spoonfuls of ice cream up in our mouths. Then she said, "I overheard last night that McDreamy wanted to get tested."

A furrow etched its way in between my eyebrows. "What do you mean he wants to get tested? What kind of tested?"

"I think he meant to see if he's a good match for you," she said slowly.

I looked at Cristina in amazement before scoffing a little. "Whatever. He wouldn't get tested for me."

She looked like she wanted to say something, but decided against it. Instead, she told me the latest in hospital gossip and about the huge underground pool she had going on various situations: for example, whether or not really old guy in room four-oh-five was going to kick the bucket within the next month.

"You're the reason why no one trusts doctors anymore, you know that right?" I told her as we polished off the last of the ice cream. "Your bedside manners are horrible, I still don't get how you got in this program."

"Yeah, well…" she shrugged. "Be grateful I know you, otherwise you'd be treated like crap right about now."

I chuckled and threw the remnants of my forbidden treat into the trash can at the side of my bed. "Trust me, I am."

We didn't say anything for a little while, completely content to enjoy each other's company in silence. Then, she tentatively began with, "Look, Mer, about McDreamy getting tested…I really think he's getting tested for you."

"Whatever."

"I'm serious, I've never seen him this distraught before. He doesn't laugh or smile. He hasn't gone home since you collapsed. He looks absolutely horrible, and he keeps stealing peeks at your charts whenever he thinks that no one is looking."

I felt a pang of guilt and looked away.

"What did you say to him?" Cristina asked. "I know something happened, and don't brush me off and try to say that nothing did."

"Nothing happened," I said nonchalantly. "All I said was that he was good at walking away, and then he walked away. End of story."

"Mer," she said in that exasperated Cristina-esque way, "look, I know that he lied to you and I know that he was McJackass and all, and trust me, I'm all for making him squirm and stuff, but I really think that he loves you."

"I'll believe it when I see it," I said fiercely. "And until I see it, he's getting nothing from me."

"So, Dr. Shepherd," Dr. Hahn said very slowly as she took my blood, "care to tell me about this torrid affair you had with my patient?"

"Not really," I sighed, "but I'd rather you hear the version from me than the twisted one Meredith'll give you."

Then I told her. I told he everything about me finding out Addison was cheating on me, us finally getting a divorce, and every little detail in between. I told her about how I came to love Meredith, how scared I was when she was alone with that bomb, and how scared I was now.

"Wow," Dr. Hahn said in surprise as she cleaned the pin prick the needle made with a cotton ball of alcohol. "That is a pretty amazing story."

"You're telling me," I said as I unrolled my cuffs. "So, when will you have the results ready?"

"I'll send these down tonight. We've already got several of her other friends tested, so hopefully the results will come back soon."

"Did the registries have anything?"

Dr. Hahn shook her head sadly. "On preliminary search, there was nothing. But Meredith would actually rather prefer if we did this with one of her friends. It's understandable and most patients usually feel this way. I'm just worried that we won't be able to find anything."

I nodded. "Just, please, I don't want her to know that I'm getting tested."

"What if you're a good match?" she asked.

"Then I'll do the transplant. But I don't want her to know it was me."

She raised her eyebrows. "You're asking me to lie to the patient and to tell her that it wasn't you?"

"Just say that you found a match at the registry. I don't want her to know."

"That's ridiculous, Dr. Shepherd," she said harshly. "I know all of the stuff that's been going on between the two of you, but you still need to tell her. I can't keep these secrets for you people."

"Dr. Hahn, the likelihood of me being a potential match are pretty slim anyways. I doubt that you'll have to keep anything a secret anyways."

After a quick handshake, I walked out of the exam room and collided with a very tall figure. I looked up and found Burke standing before me.

"Dr. Burke?" I asked in surprise.

"Dr. Shepherd," he said cordially. "I should have known that you'd be here. Getting tested for Dr. Grey, I assume?"

"Naturally," I replied. "Why are you here?"

"For the same reason you are."

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really? Is Cristina making you?"

"No," he said very calmly. "I'm here of my own free will." He recognized my shock and chuckled. "Don't make the mistake of thinking that you are the only attending that cares about Meredith Grey. She may be my girlfriend's person, but I also consider her to be a very close friend of mine. After what she did during that bomb scare, she earned my respect."

I couldn't begin to explain to him how grateful I felt to him in that moment. No words could possibly describe what was going through my mind, so I did the only thing I could do. I stepped forward and I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders.

If he was shocked, he didn't let on. Instead, he reciprocated the hug comfortingly for a few moments.

"Thank you," I said in a choked voice when we pulled apart. "I know you're not doing this for me or Cristina, but it really means a lot that you…that you would…"

Burke patted me on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. She'll get through this, Shep. She's a fighter."

I nodded. I knew she was a fighter, but I didn't know if she had the strength to keep fighting.

"Meredith, how are you?" Dr. Hahn said when she walked into my hospital room. In all honesty, I wasn't in any danger. My nose started bleeding and Cristina freaked out and called Dr. Hahn.

"I'm fine," I said in exasperation. And I wasn't lying; I hadn't felt any better or any worse than I had yesterday. But of course, as a patient, no one listens to you. Even if I was a doctor.

After a few standard check-up tests and looking over my stats, Dr. Hahn turned to me sympathetically. "Is it starting to drive you crazy yet?"

I snorted. "Crazy was two days ago. I'm past crazy."

She chuckled. "Well, if this is any consolation, of all the candidates we've tested, we've found a suitable match."

I sat up a little straighter in my bed. "Really?" I asked eagerly. "Who was it?"

She shook her head. "Anonymous donor from the registry. I don't have a name for you."

I slumped back. "So none of my friends matched?"

She shook her head again. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I know that's what you would have preferred, but none of your friends were a good enough match. The one we found for you isn't even a perfect match, and you'll risk bodily rejection of the marrow, but I'd rather risk rejection than GVHD."

I nodded. "So we're going through with the transplantation?"

"It's your decision, Dr. Grey," she said softly. "But right now, it's your only shot at survival."

I sighed. Survival. It seemed lately as if every waking moment of every waking day was spent fighting for my life. Was my life really worth fighting for anymore?

And then I remembered my friends' reactions. And I imagined what they would say if they heard me thinking like this.

"We'll go through with the transplantation," I said decisively. Because I was going to survive.

I had to survive.

"Dr. Hahn?" I asked the moment she stepped out of Meredith's room. Ever since Meredith's nose started bleeding that morning, I could think of nothing else.

Dr. Hahn jumped in surprise. "Dr. Shepherd," she sighed, "Don't you have patients? Or better things to do than jump colleagues and listen at doors?"

"Sorry," I amended. "Um, I heard you telling Meredith that you found a match. Do you mind me asking…?"

"Well it's a good thing you asked me, Shepherd," she said, "because the match is you."

My mouth went dry. "I'm the match?"

"Yes. I'm hoping you'll make good on your promise."

I didn't have enough saliva to respond, so I simply nodded in response.

A/N - I think this story has reached the middle. After the transplant, there's a semi-explosive resolution and then the end.

You know the drill. Come on. You know you want to.