Thanks for all the great reviews on the last chapter. I read them while having a crap day at work and they brightened my day! –a.
Aaron's thoughts were dancing wildly around his head, unable to process what Paddy had told him. It felt as if the world had come to a screeching halt and all its weight landed directly on him. He didn't cry, he had done so much of that already, he didn't have the tears. His heart felt like it was in a vice, getting tighter with every breath, and soon it would be crushed into a million pieces. He'd been sick, every emotion coming up in a violent rush. His head was spinning.
Paddy was telling him something, the words echoing in his head. Some words penetrated his thoughts, but they didn't make sense. None of this made sense. He wanted to turn and run away, go back in time, go anywhere else but here and now.
They were going down a long corridor, Paddy pushing his wheelchair slowly towards their destination. Aaron heard him sigh, a deep sad sigh; he could feel his hands trembling on the handles of the chair. Paddy was scared, the only time Aaron had seen Paddy this way was the night he'd attacked him, the night he came out. He felt his stomach lurch as they came to a stop, dread washed over him.
Paddy was in front of him now, kneeling down to look him in the eye. His eyes were full of tears, behind them was fear. The tears were falling from Paddy's eyes in a steady stream, yet Aaron couldn't cry. He wanted to; he wanted to cry, scream, throw things...he wanted to do something, anything, but he couldn't. He was frozen. He had no fight in him, he was hollow, just a shell.
"Aaron," Paddy's voice was strained with emotion, "try to stay calm when you see him. It will be a shock."
Aaron nodded, he was completely numb. Paddy pushed opened the door but Aaron didn't move. He couldn't go in there; he couldn't see Jackson like that. He could feel a cold sweat overtaking him, the bile rising in his throat, the first fragments of his broken heart falling in his chest.
"Aaron you have to see him. You may not have the chance..." He didn't want to finish his sentence, didn't want to cause Aaron anymore pain. He was broken and nothing would change that.
Slowly Aaron pushed the chair forward, entering the room, eyes cast down. A large lump formed in his throat, his breathing shallow. He didn't want to look up.
"Hazel," He heard Paddy say. "Can I get you anything?"
Aaron looked up to see Hazel, she was holding Jackson's hand in hers, slowly caressing it between her fingers and thumbs. Her shoulders were slumped forward, heaving back and forth from uncontrollable sobs. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy; she looked like she'd been crying for days. She shook her head at Paddy's question, not taking her eyes of her son.
Aaron caught a glimpse of Jackson, even now he was perfect. The tears were back now, coming in an unrelenting wave. He doubled over, the sadness like a punch to the stomach. Paddy was wrapping him in his arms, trying to soothe him. The tough lad was gone now, broken down and laid bare, all that was left was a boy lost.
Slowly he separated from Paddy; he placed a shaky hand on the older man's shoulder, silently thanking him for being here, for being his support. He placed his hand on the brake of the wheelchair, his hand lingering there while a battle raged inside him. He fought the urge to take the wheels in his hand and turn away from Jackson, instead he placed one foot on the ground, pushing off the chair he stood, his legs almost buckling under him. There was a dull pain in his ankle, but nothing compared to the pain in his heart.
He moved slowly, deliberately taking his time, until he stood next to Hazel. He placed a hand on her back, turning slowly to look at Jackson. He felt the last of his heart break as he looked at his boyfriend. Everything was almost the same as before; the cuts and bruises on his face still visible, the bandage on his temple was replaced with swathing around his head, the matted blood in his hair was gone now, the hair having been shaved in that area to allow for surgery.
Aaron wanted to reach out and caress his cheek, place a kiss on his lips, breathe life into him. He wanted to wrap him in his arms and tell him it would all be ok, that he would be here for him always. He didn't move, he couldn't, his brain stopped functioning properly when he looked at Jackson's motionless body in front of him.
His legs were shaking, the reality weighing down on him was too much, his knees began to give way under him. He felt an arm holding him up, shifting him back onto a waiting stool. He looked up to meet Adam's gaze, his wall crumbled; he held onto his friend while the crying took him over completely. Adam pulled him into a hug, letting Aaron cry until he couldn't anymore.
He was alone with Jackson now, everyone going into the corridor to give him some time alone with his lover.
Aaron reached out his hand, he was afraid of touching Jackson, afraid he may hurt him, but he couldn't be this close and not touch him. He needed the contact, the feeling of skin on skin. He slipped his hand into his boyfriends, rubbing his thumb lightly over his fingers. He bent down and placed a soft kiss on his hand, his lips tingling at the touch.
He took a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. There was so much he wanted to tell him, so much that Jackson had wanted him to say, but he always bottled it. He didn't want to appear weak or girly, but now he wished he would have said all those things.
He wanted to tell him that he started falling in love with him after that first kiss outside Bar West, that for the first time in his life something felt right. He felt right. He wanted to tell him how sorry he was for lashing out, sorry for being off with his mum at first, for not showing him any affection in public, for everything.
He closed his eyes, pushing all thoughts from his mind; he needed to speak from his heart, not his head. Opening his eyes he looked at Jackson, slowly raising his hand to stroke his cheek.
"I don't think I can go on without you...I wouldn't want to. I love you Jay, more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. I would gladly spend the rest of my life with you if that's what you wanted."
The machine next to him sprung to life, startling him. He didn't know what it was for, but it was beeping at an alarming rate. Suddenly a nurse came bursting through the door, pushing past Aaron she checked the machine.
"Did I do something?" Aaron asked, panic in his voice.
"I would say so. Were you talking to him?"
He nodded, tears pooling in his eyes, slowly removing his hand from Jackson's; afraid of causing more harm. Hazel, Paddy, and Adam stood in the door way, all of them holding their breath, concern plastered on their faces.
"Well whatever you said made him react."
Aaron looked at Jackson again, hope rising in him. He took his hand once more, kissing the knuckles.
"I mean it Jay; I would stay with you forever."
There was a collective gasp from the doorway, but it didn't faze him as he continued to talk.
"You have to wake up; I need you to wake up. I want to look you in the eye and tell you all this and more. I want to grow old with you, live together properly, and maybe one day get married."
"Aaron..." Paddy started his voice full of shock. He didn't know what to say, it was shocking to hear Aaron open up like this, to be so honest. He felt a surge of pride that he could do it, and it was all thanks to Jackson.
The machine was going off again, then another. The tension in the room grew. Aaron held fast to Jackson's hand, wanting him to know he was there and didn't plan on going anywhere.