Another day, another chapter. I feel like I've been focusing a lot on sex in these chapters. I want to change that up in the next two.
Claptrap decided that he needed to try out some of the perks of being human. He had to deal with some of the less great things, like eating and pain and emotions, so he decided to go to Moxxi's to partake in the natural and beautiful human tradition of attempting to get shitfaced.
He was sitting at the end of the bar. Axton was sitting next to him, and Salvador was next to him. They didn't come together, but the two Vault Hunters knew they would not be able to forgive themselves if they did not witness the new human's first time getting drunk.
Unfortunately, Claptrap was having some trouble.
"UGH!" He spat out the liquid in his mouth. "This tastes horrible! Is that what it's suppose to taste like skag piss?"
"Well, sugar," Moxxi said, over the bar, "It was made on Pandora, so it probably has some in it." She looked over at Axton. "If SOMEONE could talk to his ex about starting a better trade system, we could actually have something quality to drink!"
"Hey! Sarah's only in charge of Vault stuff. I'm as tired of this crap as anybody else is. Not my fault Pandora has nothing good to export."
"How do you know what piss tastes like?" Sal asked.
"Scooter told me it was good for you! I thought it was like leaked oil! You just put it back in there!" Claptrap said.
"Well," Axton said. "Considering what it came out of, you should kinda know it was waste."
"What do you mean? That leaking wire?"
"Leaking wire? You mean your-" Axton paused. "Oh."
"Oh, what?" Sal said.
"I don't think he knows what that is?"
"What, his dick?"
"Pshhh!" Claptrap said, faking a laugh and waving a hand at the two. "I know what sex is! I did it all the time as a robot!"
"Remember the generator?" Hammerlock chimed in. He was in a booth, looking over some journals.
"In my defense, that generator was totally coming on to me! And then she never called me back!" Claptrap took another drink of the skag ale. "Seems like a bit of an acquired taste."
"Mental image aside, do you know how HUMANS have sex?" Axton asked.
"Umm...Well, no." Claptrap said. "How do humans do the nasty?"
Salvador and Axton look at each other. They both suddenly tapped their noses. "Not it!" they both shouted. Axton, however, was slower than Sal.
"Dammit!" he said. He sighed and turned to Claptrap. "Alright. How do I do this? Do you know what you consider attractive?"
"Oh yeah! That's when you feel all weird around someone." Claptrap paused. "In the loins!"
"Yes, loins, whatever. Alright, now what does that feeling urge you to do?"
Claptrap rubbed his chin, trying to figure it out. He then proceeded to fiddle with his pants.
"CLAPTRAP! WAIT-"
"Welcome to Zed's sex ed!" Zed said to a small makeshift classroom in his clinic. "I assume your parents and/or guardians have dropped you off here to learn about the wonders of reproduction!"
Toby looked over at Tina, who was the only other kid in class. He shrugged, then looked up at Zed. "We're both adopted, and the only kids in here."
"Shut up, Toby." Zed said, before continuing his lecture. "Now, I also assume your parents informed you about the magical changes happening to your body!"
"Moxxi told me that jazz, before she tricked me and Papa Torgue to coming here!" Tina said.
"Now, Tina, Mr. Torgue just need a few shots. He was over due and Moxxi was worried."
"NO NEEDLE CAN PENETRATE MY F**KING ABS!"
"I'll be with you in a few minutes, Mr. Flexington." Zed said.
"That is an awesome name, by the way, Miss Tina." Toby said to the girl.
"Shut up, Toby!" Tina shouted. " Your new last name is Munitions!"
"Actually, my new last name is Kincaid."
"SHUT UP, TOBY!" Claptrap shouted at the boy. He was seated awkwardly between the two children.
"Claptrap!" Zed said. "Do not interrupt the class. Do you remember why you're here?"
Claptrap sighed. "Because I tried to take off my pants at Moxxi's."
"Correct. Speaking of pants," Zed reached under his desk, and pulled out several dirty magazines. "This will be your reading material. I want you to look over this for the rest of the class." Zed slipped his gloved back on. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have to find a way to stick a needle into that thing back there." He grabbed a syringe and a hammer before heading to the room Mister Torgue was in.
The three sexually naïve students looked over the magazines.
"That doesn't look natural." Toby said, holding the magazine upside down.
"Shut up, Toby." Tina said. "Dayyyym, look at those legs! MHH MHH!" She said, as the magazine unfolded.
"Oh!" Claptrap said, looking at the magazine. "I know what this is!"
"What?" the two teens asked.
"It's porn! Stupid Zed! I know what porn is! I need a car battery!"
The two kids shrugged and brought Claptrap a car battery that was in the clinic for some reason. Claptrap took the two tweezers.
"OK, so I did this all the time as a robot! You take these and put them on your chargers, which I assume are these things on my chest!"
"Wait, if this was from when you were a robot, Mr. Trap, then-"
"Shut up, Toby!" Tina shouted.
"Yeah! My last name's not 'Trap!" Claptrap added.
"But-"
It was too late. Claptrap had already put the tweezers on his nipples and promptly felt the charge charging through him.
Fun fact: Humans do not react to electricity the same as robots.
The screams were overheard and the smell of burnt flesh was smelt. It was lucky he was already in a clinic.
Moxxi decided to bluntly tell Tina and Toby about sex, since as she was not sure who else to trust with the matter.
Claptrap was kind of on his own.
-OUT OF MY TENT!
Sorry about that. Trappington again. That was my son. My wife died before I left, so I had to take her kid, which has become a load on the expedition.
He annoys the crew and is a drain on resources. I honestly don't know why people have children.
Anyway, it turns out that the popular legend about the Vault are that they hold treasure. However, people are conflicted about the location of the Vault, or what exactly they hold.
Some people believe that they hold treasure. Others say power. Some even say it is a prison to a great beast.
People are conflicted about these opinions.
I do not have a lot of scientific reasoning for this, but I believe that there is a reason for these conflicting reasons.
I believe there is more than one Vault.
Don't worry, guy. I'll get Claptrap drunk. And it will be as magical as you can imagine. I'm going to do two more day in life chapters.
Looking at this chapter and the last chapter, it might have made more sense for this chapter to have gone first. I didn't know this chapter would exist until after i wrote the one before it, however.
Still need ideas. In general, if you are reviewing, and have an idea for a situation, just mention it. It doesn't matter what part of the story I'm in. I'm still gonna need slice of life chapters for later.
R&R!