BELLA

i stayed in edwards arms for hours we didnt talk just laid there. it felt right. it felt like home.

'edward' i whispered as i moved to brush back my hair.

'yes my love' i loved it when he used his pet name for me

'im hungery' he snickered

'i'll get you something if you like?'

'no i will go. but i want you to come. i know it must be selfish but i need you with me' i looked down. it was selfish, he didnt love me anymore so what i was asking was wrong

'i dont want to be anywhere else'. i smiled and slowly got out of the bed.

we slowly walked down the stairs, but halfway down i was hit by a small sobbing pixie

'bella im, we're....i'm so sorry' she was hysterical. i grabbed her and held her

'i missed you alice' alice held me a tight as she could without killing me. i found myself comforting her. i could feel her whole body shaking with unshed tears. i was making soothing noises trying to calm her down.

'we should have been here. im so sorry' alice got out through her sobs

'its okay alice' i felt edwards arms come around me as he tried to put distance between to sobbing alice and me. but alice wasnt letting go. her grib increased in pressure.

jasper walked foward, but instead of getting alice off of me, he put his arms around my neck. he kept his distance but it was a hug. i had never been this close to Jasper, except when he was attacking me.

'im so sorry bella' he whispered and he moved backwards taking alice with him.

'thanks jasper' i smiled my best smile, but it was more pained then anything else.

Edward kept his arm around me as i walked the rest of the way down the stairs. Esme was waiting for me, her arms open wide. i fell into them. i loved Esme's hugs. she felt like my mom. renee was away with Phil when she found out charlie was dead, she was coming back to me, but hadnt arrived yet. so i loved that esme was here.

'honey' she whispered holding me tightly. her hug was as tight as alices and i felt that esme wanted to cry, but she didnt start sobbing. after esme let go of me it was carlisle's turn. his hug reminded me of charlies. it was safe and protecting. if i had not cried myself out days ago i would have started again. Emmetts hug was strong and tough. it was emmett all over. he lifted me so i was in the air.

'emmett' i signed, it was so emmett

'im sorry bella' it was the first time in my life that i had seen emmett sad. he was always so full of life, laughing and pulling pranks, but now he was sad, he looked like he wanted to cry.

after edward got emmett to let me go, we moved to the kitchen, i was really hungry. i couldnt think the last time i ate. Jake kept bringing things for me to eat, but i didnt eat any of it. i paid Jarrod to eat it. it was only as i started think of the wolves that i realised they were no longer in the house.

'where's jake and the others?' i looked at edward, but alice answered

'they left'

'i can see that alice, why did they leave?'

'they thought it would be safer if they werent here' she said

'safer for who? they would never hurt me'

'well they dont exactly get on well with us, so they thought it would be safer' alice finished

it made me feel bad that the wolves had to leave. i didnt want them to feel that they weren't in my own home. jake had been a really good friend to me and the truth was that when the cullens left again i would need him.
it was a horrible thought.
i felt my throat close over and the horrible ripping in my chest came back. i sat down quickly and put my hands around my chest, it was the only way i could keep myself from falling apart.

'bella, are you ok?' esme's concerned voice hit my ears. it took me a few minutes to answer but eventually i mumbled that i was fine. but now that i had thought of it, the idea kept rolling around in my brain. they were only here for awhile. they were probably going to leave as soon as charlie's funeral was over.

i was getting attached to them. they had only been here of a few hours and i was attached to them. i moved away from edward, who had sat next to me. he probably noticed but i didnt care, they would leave me and i would be alone again.
my breathing hitched

'bella honey are you okay?' esmes panicked voice hit my ears.

was i having a panic attack?

i thought of charlie and the fact that i was alone.

could i go through that again?

could i get close to the cullens and have them leave?

i knew the answer, i couldnt go through any of that again. i missed them all so much, but i didnt want to start relying on them. how do i deal with any of this?

edward must have realised that i was panicking. he tried to get my hand, but i couldnt take it. i jumped up

'i think i'll lay down'

'bella what is it?' edward asked standing with me

'nothing, im fine'

'bella werent you hungry?' emmett asked he had his eyebrows raised and a confused look on his face

'not any more' i answered quietly as i left the room. i went straight to my dads room.

i found out that i hadnt cried myself out, as as soon as i hit the bed the tears started again.

thats it for now, i'll try to update as soon as i can but i have several stories going on at once

thanks