Chapter Seven
"He's a bloody slave driver." I grumbled to Lily as James walked away after handing me the practice schedule for Quidditch. "How am I supposed to study and practice Quidditch when he has five practices a week!"
"Well, he does have a lot of new people this year so you'll have to learn to work together as a team faster." Lily reasoned, making me drop my fork on my plate and look at her in astonishment.
"Are you actually agreeing with something James is doing?" I asked, blinking just to make sure.
"Oh shut up." Lily said, smacking me on my shoulder. "I'm just saying you have to admire how dedicated he is to winning."
"So now you admire him?" I asked, waggling my eyebrows at her with a grin beginning to form on my face.
"He's still an arrogant, big headed, egotistical toe rag." Lily said with a deadpan expression on her face, ignoring my antics.
"An egotistical toe rag you admire, you mean." I shot back
"I'm not talking about this." Lily said, taking a bite of chicken
"Aw, come on Lily, it's just me.. You can tell me." I said, smiling innocently
"Tell you what?" Lily asked snarkily before a devious look came into her eye that I had learned meant trouble. "That I saw the way you were watching Sirius' rear in the hallway yesterday?"
"Okay, that's enough of that." I said quickly
"Enough of what?" Remus asked tiredly as he fell into the seat next to me.
"Nothing!" Lily and I chimed together
"Okay." Remus said slowly, looking from my face, which was rapidly turning red, to Lily's, which was the picture of innocence. I really needed to get her to teach me how to pull that look off.
"Are you alright, Remus?" Lily asked, noting the rather sickly pallor he had adopted. The Full Moon was tonight, I was honestly shocked he was still walking around.
"Yeah, just an upset stomach, no big deal." Remus said casually, and I went along with it. I really needed for him to tell me. It was getting annoying pretending as though I didn't know anything, especially considering I knew and didn't care. I had a tentative idea that I didn't want to use, but I was honestly getting really impatient. The other Marauders were a little down the table from us and I wondered for a second why Remus had sat next to us to fill his plate when normally he would sit next to the boys.
"Could you pass me the pork loin, Jasper?" Remus asked politely and I did so without really thinking about it. Not long afterwards James called Remus over to them casually and I watched him go with my eyes slightly narrowed. I felt like something important had just happened but I wasn't sure what yet.
I was quickly distracted by Lily asking me questions about a Charm's class though so the thought went out of my head fairly quickly. Once we wrapped up eating dinner, we made our way to the common room to study a little bit before bed. After about a half an hour, three of my four roommates came trooping into the room, looking a little green around the gills so to speak. I packed my bag up and made my way up to the dorm curiously, wondering why the hell they weren't with Remus already; the moon was sure to be up any minutes now.
"Hey guys." I said casually, glancing around the room. Sirius and James were both holding their stomachs and laying on their beds and Peter just looked really nervous. I had a sneaking suspicion I was about to get a load of bollocks fed to me but I adopted a concerned look regardless. "Are you guys alright?"
"Don't feel too brilliant." Sirius said, groaning a little bit.
"What's wrong?" I asked, coming a little closer but keeping a bit of distance.
"I think it was something at dinner." James commented before curling up a little more into himself.
"Where is Remus?" I asked, playing along
"Hospital Wing. He got sick almost right after dinner so we took him up there." Peter informed me, still looking a little nervous.
"Maybe you three should go there for tonight as well." I suggested, internally rolling my eyes when I saw Sirius perk up a little before he remembered he was supposed to be sick. "I don't want to catch it if it is contagious and maybe the Matron can give you something to help ease the stomach problem."
"That might be a good idea." James agreed solemnly, going to stand up but faltering a little bit as he did. I moved forward instinctively before I realized it had probably been faked, so I decided to mess with them just a tiny bit.
"Maybe I should walk you guys down, you really don't look so good, James." I said, frowning to stop the smile from coming out when I saw Peter look at Sirius in a panic out of the corner of my eye.
"No, I'll be fine mate, thanks. I'm sure we can manage together." James said, clapping me on the shoulder as he went to help Sirius stand. I watched them carefully as they exited the room and then flopped down on my bed with a sigh. I had honestly gotten used to Peter snoring, James talking in his sleep, and the breathing of Sirius and Remus. It was going to be weird now that I was in here by myself for the night.
I woke up that morning and saw James, Sirius, and Peter all in their beds once again. I smiled softly at them and quietly made my way to the bathroom to get ready for classes. When I saw Lily, I told her the boys probably wouldn't be in class today because they had gotten sick last night so we went through the motions of the day without the Marauders. I got the homework for all of them in each class and told the teachers the same story. I was prepared to do that throughout all of the lessons today but I was surprised when I saw them troop into the Great Hall for lunch. I left Lily talking to Mary McDonald, who we had actually gotten a lot closer with since I joined the Quidditch team, and went to sit next to where the three of them practically collapsed into their seats. Remus must have still been in the hospital wing, I figured.
"Hey, how are you guys feeling?" I asked, looking over them carefully. Sirius had a scratch across his cheek that looked mildly deep but the other two just looked tired and hungry.
"Good, a lot better thanks." Sirius said, combining two sandwiches into one and taking a massive bite while the other two boys piled food onto their plates.
"I see you got your appetite back." I commented dryly, and Sirius chuckled a little before taking a long drink from his goblet and swallowing his food.
"Yeah, sorry. Starving. What did we miss, anything good?" Sirius asked, and looked on in curiosity as I took the notes and homework assignments out of my backpack.
"I gathered all of the stuff you guys missed today." I explained, handing them each a small stack of parchment with my neat handwriting on it. "I was expecting you guys to miss all day."
"Thanks, mate." James said, grinning as he looked at the stuff I had given him. "You didn't have to do that."
"Well, we are teammates, roommates, and..friends, I think." I said, not quite sure on the last bit. I knew we were friendly but they kind of had to tolerate me since I lived with them.
"Of course we're friends, git." Sirius said, mock offended, and ruffling my hair in a fond way. I pulled away scowling, smoothing the hair down; he had started to do that more and more.
"Well then, what are friends for." I said, smiling widely at the trio. "I did it for Remus as well, I was going to go visit him later, how is he doing?"
"Uh, he's a little more rough" Sirius said after exchanging a quick glance at James. "We think it might have been the pork. He ate a lot of it."
"That makes sense." I said, nodding. It certainly explained why he had asked me to pass him the pork yesterday only to eat with the four of them; It was really quite ingenious, actually, to pick a food they were absolutely certain I wouldn't have eaten and claim it had gotten them sick. "I told you to avoid pork."
"Yeah, yeah." James said dismissively, making me roll my eyes at him.
"Sirius, you have a scratch right there." I said, and Sirius' gray eyes widened a little bit and I'm sure he was going to give me an excuse, but I didn't want to hear a lie so I whipped my wand out and fixed it easily, grinning at him. "Be more careful, won't you? Alright, I am going to get back to Lily. She wanted to talk about that Potion's project before lunch is over so I'll see you all later. Give Remus this work for me?"
"Yeah, I will." Sirius said, relaxing as he realized I clearly wasn't going to ask where he had gotten the scratch from.
I walked over to Lily and sat down with her, pulling out the notes I had taken in Potions class so that we could figure out what it was we were going to brew. I honestly was leaving it mostly up to her, since she was the expert here, but I wanted her to pick something I could at least try to help with - and learn something from doing, as a bonus.
Sirius POV
"Well, that was nice of him." James said, watching as Jasper walked away from the table to rejoin with Evans.
"Yeah." Sirius agreed, his eyes narrowed as he took in their blonde roommate. At first, Sirius had hated the idea of someone else living with them but he had warmed up to the smaller guy fairly quickly, as had the other Marauders. He was smart, friendly, and didn't beat around the bush when he was talking. Jasper was very much one of those people who basically said 'This is who I am, if you don't like it - I won't apologize'. It was something Sirius admired about the other guy who he had been trying to figure out. There was something.. Peculiar about him, but Sirius couldn't quite put his finger on it. It was like a puzzle just waiting to be solved and it was driving Sirius just a little batty.
Sirius had also been surprised at how smoothly things had gone last night. Jasper wasn't really one to pry into other people's business, at least from what Sirius had gleaned so far, but it was a little too easy. Like just now, for instance; he had healed the scratch Sirius had gotten from Remus last night but not asked where it came from. A normal person would have asked how it happened, that was only a natural thing to do, wasn't it?
"Do you guys thing last night went a little too smoothly?" Sirius asked James and Peter, looking at the two of them as they thought about what he said.
"Not really, no." James said after considering for a moment. "Why, what are you thinking, Padfoot?"
"I mean, we all know that bloke is smart. I guess it's just weird he didn't ask more questions or feel like something was off." Sirius said, wondering if he sounded paranoid.
"Maybe he did but just doesn't care." James suggested "I mean, he knows we get up to pranks and he has only known us a month. Maybe he just figured he didn't want to know or care to know."
"I guess." Sirius agreed, going back to his food. He still thought it was a little strange, but if James wasn't going to worry about it neither was Sirius. Peter might, but then again, Peter was always a little worried - he just went along with whatever James said for the most part. Sirius liked Peter a lot even though he got on his nerves sometimes because of his lack of backbone, but he was an honest, nice bloke and Sirius enjoyed his company even if he was often quiet.
Jasper POV
I waited about three days to approach Remus. He looked a lot healthier than he had and Remus had even sat through classes yesterday and today, so I deemed it safe enough to talk to him. James and Peter were both on a run to get sweets from the kitchens, Sirius was probably off with some girl, and Remus and I were alone in the dormitory. I took the opportunity because I wasn't sure when we would be alone together again - and because I was extraordinarily impatient. To let him know that I knew and to see if either James or Sirius could talk to me about animagus forms. Even though I sucked at Transfiguration, I knew it would be a great asset to have during the war and when I wasn't pretending to be a normal, fun loving teenager I was planning and training for said war. Two years wasn't long enough to learn everything I wanted too, wasn't long enough to plan.
"Hey, Remus." I said casually, causing him to look up from where he was hunched over on his bed with his legs crossed, doing make up work. "I was wondering if we could talk."
"About what?" Remus asked, smiling at me a little bit.
"Anything." I said, getting off of my bed and stretching a little bit. "Is there anything on your mind? Girls, anything deeper?"
"No, not really." Remus said, grinning at me. "Right now the only thing in my head is Arithmancy, unfortunately. Why?"
"I don't know, we don't talk as much as I do with Sirius and James." I said, walking towards him. "If there was anything, you should know I'm not one to judge."
"Okay, I'll keep that in mind." Remus said, slowly and giving me his full attention now. I saw his eyes widen imperceptibly but they he looked completely relaxed, so I couldn't be sure I hadn't imagine it. "Is there something you want to talk about in particular?"
I sighed, sitting down at the end of his bed carefully and feeling a small bubble of fear settling in my stomach. I didn't want to do it this way but I didn't see how I could without it going horribly wrong, so I figured I would just have to suck it up. A teacher in my old life told me once that if you wanted to know something about someone and have them confide in you, sometimes you had to give a little bit of yourself first. That was just how people worked, he had explained, they hate feeling vulnerable but they don't mind it so much when you expose yourself as well.
"Jasper?" Remus asked again, closing his book gently. "Is there something you want to talk about? I'm not really one to judge either."
"It's about Celia." I said, frowning a little bit and pretending I didn't hear the soft exhale of relief that Remus let out.
"I'm no expert on girls, that's more Sirius' department, but I'll help if I can." Remus said sincerely with an encouraging look on his face.
"I want to let her know I'm not interested, but I'm not sure how to do it." I said, fiddling with the blanket laying on his bed to try and ease my nerves. This could still go really badly, I was banking on Remus being really accepting because of his condition but you never know how someone was going to react.
"Why don't you just tell her that?" Remus asked
"I'm afraid she might ask why I don't like her and I don't want to tell her why." I replied honestly, because it was a valid reason of why I didn't tell her to take a hike. It didn't bother me much at all, if the girl wanted to waste her life chasing after me I wasn't going to stop her but I'm sure she will get bored eventually, but it was an easier segway into the conversation than any other I could think of.
"Well, why don't you want to tell her the reason?" Remus asked, looking confused. I'm sure it didn't make much sense from his point of view. "Do you like someone else?"
"No.." I said, trailing off before picking back up again and keeping the next part purposefully vague. "I am afraid she will tell everyone else why I don't want to date her. It's kind of.. It's something that I'm ashamed of and that I don't quite like about myself, but something I can't help."
"I see." Remus said, and I could tell I had piqued his interest, that he was trying to guess what it was. I left it vague on purpose so he could draw conclusions of his own and see the similarities between his situation and my own. Sure, I didn't turn into a mindless beast once a month, but neither of us could help who we are and neither of us enjoyed being the way we are. It was just something we had to accept, deal with, and move on from. Otherwise, we would be living in misery all the time and that's not any right way to live. "Well, I might be able to help you better if I knew what the reason was. I know you don't know me terribly well, but I'm good at keeping secrets. I won't judge you or laugh at you, I promise. I also won't tell anyone else if you don't want me too."
"You promise?" I asked him, waiting until he nodded seriously before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. This was always the most nerve wracking part but I needed to keep telling myself it is worth it. "I can't date Celia because I'm not attracted to her, at all."
"I'm afraid I don't understand." Remus interrupted before I could continue, and I glanced up at him before staring at the blanket in between my fingers.
"I'm not attracted to her because I'm not attracted to girls.. At all." I said, quietly. I heard him draw in a sharp breath and I winced, waiting for the inevitable blow up that I always expected when I told someone.
"Oh. I wasn't expecting that" Remus admitted, and I looked up to him briefly to see his face. His brow was furrowed, he looked a little surprised, but he didn't look angry.
"I-I can, uh, leave. If you want. If you're angry or disgusted or.." I said, for a second completely forgetting about the fact that I was trying to get him to confess something as well.
"No!" Remus said, looking startled. "No, you don't have to leave. I'm sorry, I'm not mad or disgusted. It's fine, you are fine. Ther-There's nothing wrong with you."
I snorted at that, making Remus crack a wry grin but he still had a serious expression on his face and I could almost hear his thoughts pounding around his head. "I know it's not normal, but I can't help it."
"There is nothing wrong with being attracted to another bloke." Remus said, his voice a lot more sure now which caught me off guard. I'm sure, if I was looking in as a third party, my face would've been one similar to a deer caught in headlights. "I was surprised at first, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It may not be conventional, but I don't think any less of you. You are just as smart, just as kind as you were a few moments ago before I knew and it changes nothing."
"I-" I honestly didn't know what to say. I had been hoping he would be okay with it, but I expected it to be in the same way my father in my past life had been. Disgusted, maybe, but still willing to talk to me and interact with me because of what he himself was. I never expected him to.. Support me, I suppose. It caught me off guard. I'm not proud of it, but I sobbed a little bit in relief and disbelief. "Thank you."
"You shouldn't have to thank me for anything." Remus said, leaning over to pat me on the shoulder. "I'm glad you trusted me enough to tell me."
"I-I just thought you would be the one most likely to understand." I admitted, trying to slow my breathing down and focus on the other thing I was supposed to be confessing.
"You lost me." Remus admitted again with a tiny chuckle, easing up some of my nerves.
"I mean, you already know what it's like to be something you don't want to be." I said softly, wincing a little bit when I saw him tense and go pale.
"I'm not.. I mean, I don't like blokes as well. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I like girls, you know?" Remus said, rambling a little bit nervously. I'm sure he was already guessing what I really meant by what I said, so I think he was trying to convince himself he was wrong and hoping I would latch onto that and ease his worries by apologizing for assuming he was gay.
"That's.. That isn't what I mean, Remus." I said, watching his face carefully as even more blood flooded from it and his eyes widened in panic.
"Well, I'm not sure what you do mean." Remus said, shuffling the papers on his bed so that he could avoid looking at me.
"Remus, it's.. It's okay. I don't care." I told him, smiling a little bit and putting my hand over his.
"Get off of me." Remus snapped, shaking me loose and causing me to flinch back. This wasn't going how I thought it would. "I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong. I don't know why you think you can just-"
"Remus, I know you have lycanthropy." I interrupted softly, and I know despite how loud he was talking that he heard me. I could tell by the way that his body just caved in on itself, defeated, and he let out a shaky breath.
"How?" Remus asked, dully
"I knew one, before, a long time ago. It's easy to recognize if you've seen the symptoms." I lied, wishing I didn't have to but knowing it was probably for the best that I did. "I didn't think any less of him and I don't think less of you. I won't tell anyone - I just want you to know I still want to be your friend, I don't want you to have to lie to me about food poisoning anymore."
Remus winced when I mentioned him and the others lying. I could tell he was listening though because he was relaxing just a little bit at a time as I reassured him I wasn't going to tell anyone, that I was still going to be his friend.
"It can be like this conversation never happened, if you want." I promised, but he was already shaking his head even as I said it.
"No, no. It's-it's fine. You just- caught me off guard, is all. I'd be glad if we could still be friends." Remus said, the ghost of a smile on his face but he was still pale.
"Can I ask a question?" I asked seriously
"You just did." Remus joked weakly, causing me to roll my eyes and shove him a little bit. "Yeah, go ahead."
"Are Sirius, James, and Peter.. Werewolves as well?" I asked, hoping I could get him to confess that they were animagi and the secrecy would be done with. To my surprise, and delight, Remus busted out in gut wrenching laughter, making me shove him and feel just a tiny bit indignant. "Oy, it's not that ridiculous! They were gone the night of the Full Moon too!"
"Sorry, sorry." Remus apologized when he caught his breath a little, still fighting down laughter. It honestly made me feel good to see him not looking as terrified and dull-eyed. I liked him a lot better with the smile on his face and his amber eyes sparkling in restrained laughter. "No, they aren't werewolves. They - well, it's their secret to tell, to be honest. I'll let them know you know tomorrow night when we are all in the dorms together. I've had enough excitement for one night."
"Alright." I agreed,patting him on the back again.
"Oh, and Jasper?" Remus said as I was walking over to my own trunk to get my pajamas out. "I think you should tell Celia you aren't interested and leave it at that. If she asks why, tell her it is none of her business. It's the truth, after all."
"Thanks, Remus." I said, smiling "I'll keep that in mind."
I went to bed feeling pretty great after my conversation with Remus. I was hoping he wouldn't tell James, Sirius, or Peter that I was attracted to me - I wasn't so sure they would be as understanding - but the payoff was absolutely worth it. I would just have to see how everything works out tomorrow, I guess.
A/N: I wish someone would give me a review to let me know you are reading/enjoying these chapters. :)