Severus walked into Dumbledore's office. He had been called to appear there in an urgent message from the headmaster. Though fraught with shame, he felt proud to have done what Dumbledore had always asked of him--offer himself up to others--and expected praise.
"What were you thinking, Severus?" Dumbledore bellowed as soon as the professor entered the room. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
"What do you mean, Headmaster?" Severus was thrown off guard.
"What was that scene with Minerva? What evils were you trying to coax from her?"
"Minerva had a right to her vengeance, so I offered myself up to her, as I thought you would want me to do--"
"You thought I would condone such behavior?"
"I… don't understand, Dumbledore. I thought I did the right thing--"
"The right thing? THE RIGHT THING? You would dare tempt an unsullied soul to cast an Unforgivable Curse? What evil would you spread through my faculty?"
"I did not think--"
"Of course you did not think! Of course…!" Dumbledore trailed off. His demeanor changed.
"Of course," he said softly. "Of course. You were using your own logic. You do not realize… Severus, you must understand… you must understand that your intentions may have been good, but you put another person's soul at risk. This is not acceptable. Minerva's soul would have been irreparably torn had she done to you what you asked her to do, what you prodded her to do. You must understand that most people have not crossed that barrier, and if they cross it, there is always a cost to them."
His eyes pierced right through Severus.
"I know," Severus said quietly.
"Of course you do."
"Each time I would cast such spells, another part of my soul would blacken and die."
"Yes, Severus. How could you think I would applaud you for having others blacken theirs?"
Something turned in Severus's heart. Dumbledore asked so much of him, to give of himself to others, to try to keep them from making the choices he did, but who had helped him? Who had saved him? No one had commanded his father to stop beating him, or his mother to care. No one had commanded the bullies not to torment him as a student. No one had kept him from uttering the words that forever alienated from him the one woman who had ever loved him. Why did he owe to others what no one had ever given him?
"You protect them so dearly! But where were you when I needed protecting? You abandoned me to my fate, and now that I struggle with such futility to overcome it, you chide me! How am I to know what to do when others ask of me to show my humanity? Do they not know I am but a blasted tree? Why did you let me get to this state! Why did you let me drift so far away?"
"Severus," Dumbledore said gently, "were it in my power, I would not have allowed it. I can only show my students the right way, I cannot make them take it."
"But how could I ever have made a better decision? My soul was distorted before I even entered Hogwarts. Yes, I was too young for you to know me when my father beat my innocence out of me, while my mother did nothing to stop him. But you did allow your other star pupils to do things to me that hardened my heart further."
"Who'll pray for the killer's sake?" Dumbledore mumbled absently, as if to himself.
"What?"
"Severus--you cannot know how much I regret the things that happened to you. Why do you think I give you a place here? Some events are set into motion by such ancient cycles of human cruelty that even if I knew exactly when and where they were to occur, I could not stop them. For even the most powerful wizards, the world does not bend to our will and become exactly how we want it. I rue that my capacity to interfere in events is so limited. I do what I can."
Severus was struck to find Dumbledore issuing what seemed an apology to him. He felt ashamed to have provoked such a response from the one man who had helped him. A man who owed no one any apologies.
"Headmaster, it was not my intention to--I did not mean--of course what happened to me is not your fault. It is just that… it is hard, I still feel so much rage, and I will never be what you wish me to be, though it would please me if I could be…"
"Severus, you are safe here."
Severus was struck. He did not understand why Dumbledore had said this, and yet something inside of him loosened upon hearing it. Tears threatened, though Severus fought them.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I am not going to exile you for being imperfect. I wish I did not have to agree with you that your soul is crooked and misshapen, but it is true. It will never produce straight lines, and I know this. But that only matters so much--at its core, it is good. That is what matters."
"Surely you cannot believe I am 'good,' Headmaster. It was not some demon that possessed me all those years. It was me, it was my heart that was fulfilled by my cruelty. And others here, they see it, and wish to cast out the evil from amongst their midst. I cannot blame them."
"What evil would they be casting out? Certainly, your demeanor leaves much to be desired, but I see no evil that you bring to the castle."
"Were it so easy to cut myself off from my past…"
"No, you are forever tied to your past--this is a link even the greatest wizard cannot sever, as you well know. But people can change. Your heart lost its taste for cruelty. Perhaps you still have a taste for sharp words… but now you could no more inflict bodily harm--even upon your most despised peer--than you could enjoy a picnic with your students."
"I am not so sure, Dumbledore. Perhaps you trust in me too much."
"Let us test my theory, then. I command you go out to the Forbidden Forest tonight, and kill."
"Kill? Surely you jest, Headmaster!"
"I ask not that you kill another person, but one of the creatures of the forest."
"Which creature? For what purpose? I do not understand--"
"You need not understand. Just go, and see."
"You really wish me to do this? This is not a joke?"
"No, Severus. It is an express command, and a serious one."
"Is it you want me to remember what killing feels like? Because I still remember…"
"Severus, now is not a time for questions. Please just do as I command. I will explain later, when you return to me with the body of the creature you have killed."