Astral Kai: Authors love long reviews (or at least I do). And yes, May only feels a fraction of the pain. It does seem a little bad, and I'm worried that I've made it a bit too bad, but this plays a large part in bringing May and Bucky closer together, so I'm going to leave it that way. And I don't know if you've ever had a migraine before, but it's like a really awful headache, and you can't function at all that day. I imagine the pain May feels is worse than a migraine, because the chair was pretty much melting Bucky's brain. I can't imagine even a portion of that would feel nice. May cannot self-heal, and if you'd like more information on that, feel free to ask. I'm sure it'll come up eventually, but then again, maybe not. Her enhancement does allow her quicker healing, and that's why she recovers faster from things than normal humans. Where Sam and Steve are concerned, I had to debate a lot about their reactions. I finally settled on Steve feeling a bit betrayed and hurt over May because he knows she's over there helping his best friend instead of Steve himself helping Bucky – who is his best friend. I'm not so sure about Sam, but it's a mixture between being hurt for her leaving so quickly and also probably betrayed because she hurt Steve so easily as well. I don't know. I'll explore that in greater depth in Black Ice. And yeah, I had Natasha take Sam's role for a bit; but I still plan on having the brother relationship between May and Sam once things have smoothed over. I think I'm addicted to Breaking The Ice, too! I often find myself ignoring the lecture and planning out what'll happen next! (And brownie points are kind of like points given to people whenever they make people happy, so anything you request to happen in the story is more likely to happen, or like with last week, when the review requirement isn't met I'll post anyway.)

JLBriggs: I'm glad you're liking my stories! And yes, I've already decided on Emma/Emilia being her original name, and yes Irene is a very nice name, thanks for the input! (Though whenever I hear Irene I think of Sherlock…) I can't believe you made an account just so you can review! That's so awesome! And yes, it's a really big bummer how many authors either hardly post or just disappear. (Sometimes I secretly wonder if they've just died and we don't know about it). As for fanfic recommendations…yes, yes I do. I myself usually aim for complete fanfics with really good story lines and minimal grammatical issues, but I have a few HP as well as Bucky & Loki favorites (those two are my favorite as well). You can always go ahead and browse my favorite stories list, but off of the top of my head "The Darkness Within" is definitely my favorite HP fanfic. There are three parts, and it's a little slow at first, but it really gets amazing fast (the author is currently rewriting the first book, and that one's faster, but it's not finished yet). "Saving Grace" is a really sweet story with Loki in it. It has a few darker undertones, but it's worth it. "Blasphemy" focuses a lot on Bucky's PTSD, and I like it a lot. It's one of the stories I go back to and skim occasionally. "The Original Three" is also really good. I can't say it's my favorite, because it's hard for me to pick favorites, but it's pretty high up on my list. The story's summary explains it well, so if you're interested just take a look. I like the characters a lot, and the storyline is great. So that's what was at the top of my head, but I'm sure there's more, so feel free to check out my profile page. Finally, Bucky already remembers his name (Steve told him on the helicarrier) and he's probably regained a few memories of people calling him by his name. So he already remembers his name, and going off of CA:Civil War, he'll probably have her call him Bucky. Because when he was captured and interrogated he immediately answered that his name was Bucky (which I found so adorably cute and heartbreaking), as well as Steve calling him Bucky. By now it probably feels more like his name than James Buchanan Barnes.

Thanks for all of the reviews you guys! I just saw them all yesterday, and I couldn't stop smiling all day. And I'm pretty sure I did a weird happy dance. I like how you both posted multiple times to give more thoughts, because the more reviews the happier I am, especially with informative reviews like all of them were this week. So I've finally figured out my schedule and things are finally beginning to calm down again. Yay. (For a while I seriously wondered if my life would ever become normal again).

So I've had two requests to stick with Breaking The Ice and not and Black Ice to the mix, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm really happy with that answer, actually, because last week I was internally freaking out as I tried to fit another story into my schedule.

Glad that's figured out! And all the reviews this week was great, so make sure to review!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my plot and any OC's.

Chapter 7

One Step Back

(Two Steps Forward)

When you're not entirely sure who you are, nor who you're trying to be, it's hard to determine whether you're progressing or not. It was like that when I escaped HYDRA; I didn't know exactly who I wanted to be since I didn't remember much about who I used to be, but I definitely knew I didn't want to be who HYDRA made me. So instead of counting progress, I began determining things by steps: if I didn't steal that day I had taken a step in the right direction. If I hurt someone when I wasn't entirely sure I was being threatened, I had taken a step in the wrong direction. Using that method I was soon able to see the person I wanted to be: everything HYDRA didn't want me to be. And I've continued to slowly succeed even now.

…

"The hot water doesn't work." The gruff voice came from the kitchen and I calmly turned a page in the book I was borrowing from the library.

"You have to wait a while." I continued to read while I waited for the next complaint, and I wasn't disappointed. A few creaks sounded from his direction.

"The cupboards creak."

"So do the doors." I heard him stalking towards me, so I put the bookmark in and shut the book, putting it down when he was in front of me. Before he could say anything, I opened my mouth first. "Get used to it."

It was the day after we had gotten to the apartment and all the Soldier had done since I got back from the library yesterday was find and point out every flaw he could find. It was about time for him to stop.

"I don't like it."

"Yes, that's clear." He glowered down at me, so I stood up as well, glaring right back up at him. "But what would you rather do? Right now we have an apartment and I'm getting a job to pay for it. You would rather steal from people. But how would we go about doing that? These days people carry cards, not cash, and if we steal those cards they can be canceled easily. We can't rob from stores or banks because that would draw too much attention from people we don't want to notice us, so we'd be stuck taking the bit of cash people actually carry, and with both of us having such a quick metabolism, any money we take will go toward our food, if it's even enough for that. What after that? Where will we sleep without drawing too much attention? What about disguises and anything else we might need? Yours is a temporary plan, and I would expect more from a trained assassin. You're acting on the instincts HYDRA gave you, not with your brain."

His glower had faded and replaced with almost a shocked look, but there wasn't any hidden desire to kill me, so I dared to continue.

"So get used to it." The stare stayed for a moment longer, then the glower returned full force and I remembered who it was that I was reprimanding. I looked down as he moved, wondering if today was going to be my last day, but all he did was grab his sweater and shove it on as he left the apartment.

I let out a breath, wondering what I had just done, and the look he had given made me wonder if he would even come back. Worry rose up in me, as well as guilt for speaking at him like that. Sure, what I had said was all true, but I needed to remember to take his feelings into account, too. It was hard for me, though; I was still learning how to figure out my own feelings, how was I supposed to figure out what others are feeling as well? And it's even harder with the Soldier because he shows fewer outward signs than normal people, so there was even less for me to go off of.

To distract myself from my worry I went to the library and did research on the places looking to hire close to the apartment building. After some digging I found the better paying ones, then with the help of the ever helpful internet I managed to send a job application to them. There were three – a neighborhood market, a plant nursery, and an expensive restaurant, all of which had many good reviews on their managers, hours, and money given. Although I didn't completely understand what was being said, I figured it couldn't be anything bad if good things were being said by so many.

After that I printed the job applications I had filled out and gone to the stores myself. Hopefully both means of delivery would cause the manager to look at my form before the others, prompting them to hire me.

Of course most everything on the list was a lie or a half truth. I'd used the false name Natasha had come up with yesterday – Amber Jeanne Webb – as well as anything else I needed to sound good enough for the job. There was also the problem of giving the manager a way to contact me – as I didn't have a cell phone, a landline, or an email – so also with the internet's help I created an email and was able to write that down.

Writing down an email was oddly satisfying. Even though I didn't have any contacts or anything, and it really wasn't all that special, it made me feel more like an actual person and not just an ex-experiment.

Once I had visited all three of the places I headed back to the apartment, where I was faced with the empty rooms once again. It was growing dark, so I quickly locked all of the windows and the door, completely aware that without the Soldier I was little more than a walking duck for anyone looking for me; I could defend myself, sure, but the chances of there only being a few people sent for me were minimal.

I then turned all of the lights on and curled up on the worn overstuffed armchair and tried to continue reading the book where I had left off hours before, but the nagging loneliness I felt began to gnaw at my insides.

I hate being alone. I hate being alone with a passion. I've hated being alone ever since My Room, where I'd had entirely too much alone time, and this is the first time since then that I've felt so alone. Back on the streets there was always the other bums that appeared at random, after being captured by SHIELD I was never alone, and now traveling with the Soldier I never felt alone because we were always either together, or we knew exactly where the other was. Now, I was alone with no clue where he was or if he'd ever come back, and I hated it.

I forced my brain to focus on the book, but it wouldn't, so I put it down and pulled the chair around until it was facing the door; I'd wait for him, and if he wasn't back by mid-morning I'd go looking for him. Because even though we hardly tolerated each other for the most part, I'd grown to have a sort of companionship with the dark assassin who used to be a brave soldier. And if I were better at identifying emotions, I might've been able to tell that I almost missed him.

I unconsciously began to run through all the routines I did back when I was locked in My Room – counting as high as I could in all of the languages I knew, doing the alphabet in the same manner, trying to remember more about my childhood and the little details that people forgot over time – and I eventually calmed my quickened heart and sat in a daze for hours as I waited. I was just trying to remember what my mother sounded like when the handle on the front door began to jiggle.

My heart jumped in my throat both in fear and excitement. I silently jumped to my feet and crouched down to the ground. I needed to check who it was in case it was the Soldier, but I could be in a lot of trouble if it wasn't him trying to get in.

"May," came a voice from the other side. "May, it's me."

Then I was throwing the door open and all of my earlier worries seemed foolish, and yet they also seemed so painfully real.

"I thought you left," I breathed, letting him in before we drew any attention. He took his sweater off, then shot me a long look.

"I almost did." I wasn't as surprised as I thought I should've been. I wondered, though, why he didn't.

"What stopped you?" His response was immediate, as if he'd been thinking about that question himself.

"We have a deal. You heal me and I protect you. You've been healing me, but I haven't had to protect you yet. I have to hold up my end of the deal." I clenched my teeth against the lump that formed full force in my throat; this is the most human I've heard him be. Ever.

"Thank you," I forced out. "For thinking about me. And I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. I meant all of it, but that doesn't mean I should've said it." His tall form loomed over me – probably more than a foot taller than me – and yet I didn't feel nearly as threatened as I should as his shoulders relaxed slightly, taking a step back from me.

"No, you were right. I haven't been thinking right ever since the helicarriers and…Steve…and with you healing me I've had a lot on my mind, too. It's like I've got two people inside of me, trying to take control." I nodded; I'd gone through roughly what he's going through now, but not to such an extent, so I didn't say anything.

Now that the worry and the adrenaline were out of my system, I realized just how late it was.

"We should get to bed." He didn't say anything but headed to his room, and I took his lead. Before his door shut, though, I turned to the side.

"Soldier." He stopped and eyed me warily, as if worrying he'd get another reprimanding, so I smiled. "Thanks for coming back."

One step back, two steps forward. I smiled as I shut the light off in my room.