AN – I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've had some shit happen lately that's made me a little less willing to write until I was in a slightly better state of mind.

This chapter is relatively calm, as far as self harm and drug use goes, however I'd still like to warn you that it does contain some, and to use your judgement.

Alice's POV

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, fiddling with the sleeve of my sweat shirt. Glancing out the window I saw the sun starting to set, and the trees being cast into a darkness I was all too familiar with.

Darkness.

People underestimate just how terrifying it can be. You can't see around you. Every noise you hear seems a hundred times louder. Every creak, every shadow, every single little piece of dust lit up by the waxen light of the moon seems like a life threatening demon sent to send me into a panic attack. Darkness is no longer my friend.

I leaned over and flicked the switch, letting the yellow light flood my room. I sighed, and stared out the window. I should get up and close the curtains. I wouldn't be able to do it when it was completely dark outside.

Sliding off the bed I walked over to the window and grabbed the first curtain and pulled it across. I was about to do the same to the second when I noticed I could see over the fence into the courtyard. There, sitting in the corner as always, was Jasper. His blonde hair fell over his face, and his face was buried in his hands. He looked like he was in pain. Something pulled at me, and I wanted to go out there and help him.

Swearing at myself for even considering that, I pulled the second curtain closed violently just as a knock at the door made me jump. I narrowed my eyes at the door, and my heart sped up.

Calm down, Alice... it's probably just a nurse...

"Yeah?" I called out timidly, and the door pushed open. Chantelle walked in with a tray of meds in her hand. I looked at it to see that all the cups except mine were empty.

"Hey, Alice. How you doing? How was the talk with Dr. Cullen?"

I took at deep breath and sat on my bed. I had forgotten that I agreed to have a chat with Chantelle.

I could just ask her to leave...

I shook that thought out of my head, and smiled meekly at Chantelle.

"It could have been worse, I suppose. He kept asking me questions, like he expected me to know the answer to them."

Chantelle smirked and handed me the meds. I glanced around quickly and realised I had no where to spit them out again with Chantelle in the room.

I bit my lip and looked up at her.

"Do you mind if I take these a little later? After we talk" I mental kicked myself for extending the invitation once again for a conversation "It's just they make me drowsy..."

Chantelle checked her watch and nodded.

"Did you go to any groups today?"

Racking my memory I answered "Yeah... one on being assertive. It was kind of... boring..."

Chantelle sniggered slightly before composing herself.

"Yes. We do get that complaint a bit from patients I've noticed." Chantelle seemed to pause for a moment, as if she were thinking about how to word what was coming. "Dr. Cullen asked me to talk to you... he wants you to stay longer."

I took a sharp breathe and my eyes snapped up to meet hers. Staying wasn't an option. I had to get out of here. I had to... no. I didn't have to do that. I corrected myself as I thought about suicide, which was a step in its own.

"I can't do that..."

"You don't WANT to stay, Alice. I get that. The problem is, you're not thinking about what you need."

I opened my mouth to retort, but closed it again quickly.

Could she be right? Do I need this?

Grabbing up the small cup of pills, I said "I'm ready for bed."

Chantelle nodded, and stood up.

"Pills..."

I threw them into my mouth and slid them under my tongue.

"Open."

I opened my mouth and showed her. Chantelle nodded.

"Goodnight, Alice. Don't stay up too long, ok? Those pills do make you drowsy." She walked out of the room, and I spat the pills into my hands before gulping down some water. The taste was truly ineffably disgusting.

I dug my nails into my arm, and ripped up. It didn't give me the same release as cutting, but it was better than nothing.

"Arg!" I jumped off the bed and grabbed my packet of cigarettes, before remembering I had only one left.

"Fuck, shit, fuck!"

Pulling it out of the packet, I through the empty packet into the bin, and stormed out of my room, lighter in hand.

I stormed to the corner of the courtyard and sat next to Jasper wordlessly. His demeanour had changed drastically since the first time he'd sat next to me. He was sitting with his legs crossed, his head lolling back onto the brick wall, staring at the sky.

The well lit courtyard allowed me to see the creases on his forehead though, and he appeared to be worried about something still.

Well no shit. He's in here too isn't he? He probably just wants to get the hell out.

"I'm scheduled to leave tomorrow evening" I said suddenly, before I could think about what I was saying. Why I was bothering to tell him was beyond me.

Jasper looked over at me, before staring back up at the sky.

"Oh..." he said quietly, and I looked over at him, eyebrows raised. What did he mean "oh"? He seemed almost...surprised... maybe upset?...

As though he sensed me looking at him, he looked over to me again, sighing.

"I'm leaving the day after that. In the morning. 72 hour minimum. Sucks that I had to even stay that long..."

When he spoke the words, my heart constricted with such a force it took my breath away. I felt as if a piece of me had died.

"Doc 20 wants me to stay longer though. He got Chantelle to do his bidding. She was the one who told me. Stupid, huh? I mean, as if I'd want to stay in here." Something compelled me to tell him they wanted me to stay longer. It was almost as though I wanted him to tell me I should stay. Only not in a way that he'd be telling me I was insane. In a way that maybe... maybe he would want me to stay because he wanted to spend time with me.

I shook that idea out of my head and lit my cigarette.

First of all, I didn't care what men thought about me, what they wanted any more. So to think that I wanted Jasper to want me to stay was just plain ridiculous.

Second of all, well, there really was no second of all. I just wish there was. I need more reasons.

"He seems to want everyone to stay. Maybe it's just a money making ploy" Jasper said with a laugh "So you've changed his name to Doc 20 now? I'll admit it is easier on the tongue. Doctor 20 Questions is a bit of a mouthful. Not to mention it's not quite as obvious. Doc 20 could easily be referring to a pair of shoes. Or a wallet. Maybe even a jacket, not that you'd need one with this weather. It's pretty warm at the moment." Jasper was rambling, but I hadn't missed his first comment, about Doc 20 wanting everyone to stay.

"He asked you to stay too huh?"

Jasper looked at me one eyebrow arched, and I immediately started kicking myself for assuming that. For all I knew he could have been talking about talking about a patient.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." I said quietly, taking another drag of my almost forgotten cigarette. I flicked the ash off, and brushed my jeans where an imaginary piece landed.

"No, it's ok. I was just... nothing. Yeah. He asked me to stay. But like you said, there's no reason why someone would want to stay here longer. Right?"

All of a sudden I blurted out "what do we need?" I shook my head, and looked down blushing "damn Chantelle..." I muttered under my breath.

"Well, I know I need something that you have."

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked up at him expectantly, but avoided his eyes. They made me more nervous than I already was.

"What do I have?"

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why my heart wouldn't stop being so damned erratic.

"Pills..."

My heart slowed again, and I dared to make eye contact.

"Oh. Yeah. I have the same as last time," I took a deep breath, deciding to be daring since I'd already made a fool out of myself "why do you take them? I hate them... I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I hate being drowsy..."

Jasper looked at the pond, and threw a stone in, before looking back at me and opening his mouth to speak.

AN – your encouragement via reviews really does help me update faster. It's an amazing incentive, and I take every one of them into account when I write. Let's just say it's four am, and I just polished this one off because I felt bad for taking so long ;)