King Rhoam and his army came bursting into the Champions' Hall, the old man holding his back as he wheezed that Ganondorf had revived on top of Death Mountain and was now flying around the area throwing lightning balls at the Gorons and tourists and terrorizing everyone.
Princess Zelda and her Champions stood.
"He's here." Urbosa stated.
"This is it, then..." Daruk said
"Are you sure it's him?" Mipha asked.
"Positive." Revali whispered, staring out the tower. He turned toward the group, eyes bloodshot as he gestured his wing to Ganondorf currently flying around outside the window. "You don't need a Rito's superior sight for THAT!"
Everyone screamed as Ganondorf shot in through the window like Superman. Soldiers surrounded the king as all five Champions got in front of Zelda. Ganondorf laughed, crossing his arms and looking like a magic genie as he hovered circles in the center of the room, long red cape billowing.
"Ganondorf!" King Rhoam hissed, staring up at the King of Evil. "You dare intrude into the sacred heart of the kingdom? I swear upon the Gods of Hyrule I will have you sent back to the hell from whence you came!"
Link raised the Master Sword that wasn't his penis just as the aptly-named cock of the group, Revali, readied his Great Eagle Bow to no doubt play the hero role he was destined to fail. Urbosa brandished her Scimitar of the Seven as she faced the most infamous Gerudo to ever have a dick.
"Finally," she said as she stepped forward, green eyes flashing like lightning. "We Gerudo can at last achieve vengeance for you having defiled our name! I've waited long for the moment when I incinerate you into a pile of ash, Ganon..."
Revali stepped beside her, arrows aimed closer at the evil king. "You can have the bits and pieces when I'm done with him, Urbosa. Remember the princess promised this scum to me."
Link couldn't believe Revali was actually going to start this shit in the middle of the apocalypse-and in front of the king, no less! He stepped further out past Revali as he held his sword with both hands. "That's nice of you to offer, Revali, but I'm the one who wields the sword that seals the darkness. The Demon King will fall by my hand."
"On whose divine orders? Last I checked the Goddess-blooded princess is the one who chooses her hero."
"Please, Link and Revali, we mustn't fight...!" Zelda whispered amid the shocked silence and gaping stares of Hyrule's forces. Daruk and Mipha went forward to try talking some sense into the rivals while Zelda stood back pleading for her young, testosterone-filled Champions to work together with her.
Ganondorf laughed again, throwing his head back. "Still thirsty for cock, eh, Princess? I always knew the Goddess Hylia liked riding giant birds but this is a new low... How does it feel, Link, knowing that your sacred princess has to cocktease your rivals just to keep them in line?"
Link's eyes almost popped out at the perverse Gerudo's foul words as most everyone choked and gasped. Even Revali was thrown off-eyes growing widest at the mention that Zelda liked riding giant birds. King Rhoam stepped forth looking like he was having a seizure.
"You DARE speak to my beloved daughter in such a filthy, vile way?!" he bellowed. "I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!"
The Demon King cackled, giant nose sticking up. "Didn't know your daughter was a whore, eh, King Rhoam? You always were nothing but a pathetic, oblivious old man... You're not even worth my time. I've come here to take back what's mine."
Before anyone could realize what he meant he zoomed around the Champions and grabbed Zelda from her now-unguarded opening. She screamed as he flew with her out the window.
"NO!" Urbosa screamed.
"SAVE HER!" thundered the king.
"It will be my GREATEST pleasure..." Revali said, posing on top of the windowsill in a parody of some kind of epic hero. Link ran and jumped onto the blustering bird just as he took off.
"GET OFF ME! YOU STUPID HYLIAN!" Revali roared as Link hung from his feathery, scaly leg hundreds of feet above Hyrule Castle's grounds. Mipha, Daruk, and Urbosa all screamed from the diminishing window, their voices becoming lost as Revali flew further and further and the wind picked up. "YOU JUST HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!"
"SHUT UP AND TAKE ME TO ZELDA! IT'S YOUR JOB! OR DO YOU WANT GANONDORF TO GET AWAY WITH HER?!"
Revali cursed and actually tried shaking Link off to fall to his death. Link held on for dear life, his love for Zelda the only thing keeping him from taking the bastard bird down with him. Ganondorf laughed up ahead and turned in mid-air to start throwing lightning balls at them.
"LINK! REVALI!" Zelda screamed over Ganondorf's shoulder as the Rito swore again and began dodging the crackling lightning balls with Link dangling behind him like a piece of turd. They zoomed around Hyrule Castle in the nightmarish Blood Moon sky, Link holding back vomit as they tried catching up to Ganondorf who seemed to be playing with them.
"He wants ME, asshole!" Link shouted up at Revali, wind whipping his hair and clothes. "He's trying to get rid of you so I can go and face him alone!"
"SHUT UP!" Revali screamed, red eyes bulging and feathers askew so that he resembled an insane, pissed-off vulture. Link wished he wasn't such an asshole so the two of them could make a plan!
He grunted as he tried climbing onto Revali's back, grabbing hold of his tailed ass and pulling on both flesh and feathers. The Rito shrieked and cursed, trying his hardest to shake Link off again. Link couldn't believe Revali was so willing to let the chosen hero die, that he was actually trying to kill him... Then he looked down and saw the water-filled moat below...
So that's what the bird bastard's plan was... He was trying to ditch him so he could fly off and go after Ganondorf and Zelda on his own! There was no way Link was going to let that happen... Saving Zelda was his job.
The Hero of Time continued climbing Revali's ass. The Rito Champion continued screeching at Link, stooping and swerving and flapping around Hyrule Castle's impossibly tall towers and turrets while trying not to lose sight of Ganondorf. The King of Evil turned in mid-air again, smirking as he crooked a finger at Revali while holding a screaming Zelda against him with his other arm.
"HE'S TRYING TO TRICK YOU!" Link screamed.
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!"
Revali apparently didn't because a short while later the two bickering Champions crashed into a tower as Ganondorf duped them. Ganondorf's laughs and Zelda's cries were the last things Link heard as he passed out, sliding down castle rooftops and hoping he would land in the moat that bastard Revali tried putting him in.