This never seemed to get old. Sitting here and staring at this thing. This diamond ring that had made a home on my finger. It's been here for five months now. I stared at it a lot not believing it had actually happened, but it had. He'd finally popped the question. It took forever! After all our arguing and our laughs he finally weighed his option and got down on one knee. So why did I do this? Why is it that every time I caught a glimpse of this beautiful object I had to sit and think for minutes. Long boring minutes before I finally realized that this was it. This is what I'd dreamed of my whole life wasn't it? The ring, the promising future, the happiness, him. That's just it then, I wasn't happy. I didn't care who had the promising future, I didn't care about the damn ring and it wasn't him that I wanted. It was him.

My heart still ached over that night. I thought of all the things that had happened and I hated every last one of them. I hated her. I hated him, but a tiny piece of me still loved him. I didn't care what it took, I just wanted him back. Back in my life. How I hoped he'd call me, or at least text me, but he hadn't. Not a single word from him. I watched him on tv faithfully. I watched him, Matt, and Lita fall apart. I watched Edge rip apart their family and I prayed it'd all been an act. I watched the boys break up and Matt torment his brother. He was alone now in that world, but in this world he'd always have that woman.

Five years slowly passed by. I promised myself that in 2003 I'd go. I'd go and talk to him. I'd fix this. I'd make any promise necessary and capable of myself to get him. I'd beg if I had to. But first I had to make my escape. I has to slide away from here. I stood up from the table and walked down the hall to the bedroom. My grad picture with all my friends sat on the nightstand. I wasn't smiling. I hadn't taken another photo smiling after that. It was hard to even fake a smile after that. My bags. They were packed in the middle of the room.

'You have to do this.' I grabbed my bags and drug them downstairs with me. I packed them in my baby. And then placed myself in the front seat. I started the engine and then something fell against my window. I looked scared and there he was. Confusion across his face. I rolled down the window. He deserved an explanation. I owed him that.

"Baby, what's going on? Where are you going?" He asked.

"I can't do this anymore." I sniffled. "I'm so sorry that I led you on, but I just can't do this. I tried forgetting about him, but that face of the matter is that I love him. He's always had my heart and he always will." I tugged at my sleeve and I couldn't look at him. I was afraid.

"So..you're choosing him over me huh?"

"Please don't-"

"Please what! Don't what huh!? Don't what!" He yelled. I flinched away from him.

"You're yelling again." I cried.

"No shit bitch! Get out of the car!" He yelled grabbing at me.

"Stop it! Let go of me, I'm not staying here anymore!" I screamed trying to pry his hands away from me. I scratched his eyes and he lurched back holding his face. I rolled up the window quickly and put the car in gear and began driving off. I stopped once to toss the engagement ring out the window and let my middle finger do a little talking.

"Fuck you Billy!"

…...

"Jeff honey! Could you come here!?" She yelled at me from upstairs. I sighed and tossed the cigarette down to the ground.

"I'm coming!" I yelled back. I was tired. My body ached and my head was pounding. I'd told Beth she could come over and help decorate for the holidays. Halloween was coming up in a few days. That meant it'd be her birthday in a few days. I missed her like hell. She was like a narcotic that no one could get me off of. She was like the energy I needed to keep fighting through days like this. Her smile would always radiate the room and I'd feel like I could take on the world. I hadn't seen that smile in five years.

I walked up the steps slowly and rubbed the back of my neck like we used to do. Why the hell was she decorating inside the house? It's not like I was letting anyone come up here. Nobody was coming here period. I'd lived on private, hidden property for a reason. This wasn't even traditional for me on Halloween. Nothing was tradition anymore. Usually I'd dress up from head to toe with her and we'd go trick-or-treating and then out to eat at her favorite restaurant. I wonder if that had changed with all the new ones they were putting up? I wondered if she'd changed. I had.

Tonight, three days before her birthday we'd be painting together. She'd sit and paint her girls. The lost girls, she'd called them. She said they were lost because everywhere they thought they'd knew they were safe...turned out it hadn't been true. They were alone in the world with only each other and not even that helped. She was a lost girl and it was my fault. 'Great job douche bag.'

"Beth is all this really necessary?" I asked. She turned and looked at me with a smile on her face.

"Of course silly." She giggled. I attempted a smile. The corners of my mouth tugged, but they stayed in a frown. She must've noticed.

"Jeff. I know you used to do things different, but it's been five years sweetheart. It's time you celebrated again." She said walking closer to me.

"I celebrated with her just fine." I muttered. She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Jeff when are you going to get over it?"

"She was my best friend." I snapped.

"She disrespected me!" She snapped back.

"Well knowing you, you probably did instigate it." I growled.

"Why believe her now if you didn't believe her then? What's changed?" She asked.

"I know you better now Beth." I hissed turning away from.

"And let me guess you wish you hadn't right? You wish you'd never met me and never sent her away!" She yelled after me.

"Sometimes I just wish you never existed." I whispered.

…...

"Sis do you like this?" Marcy asked me. I turned and looked at her. She was holding one of my black pencil skirts.

"Yea I do, kinda why I still have it." I told her. She scoffed and tossed the article of clothing on the floor.

"You don't want me to have anything do you?" She frowned.

"I'm sorry Marcy." I laughed. "We can go shopping later if you want." I offered. Her eyes lit up. Really?" I nodded. She cheered and paraded out of the room. Marcy was my baby sister. We'd been pretty close all my life, but when I went to college we lost touch a bit. Now she was moving in with me at age 21. I was four years older than her. I had moved back to North Carolina and today was my birthday. Movers were coming in and out. It'd been two weeks since I left Billy back in California. I hadn't heard from him in a while and I was happy. Tonight was the night before my birthday. Another birthday without Jeff.

"Scuse me miss?" I turned and saw one of the movers. "Where'd you want this to go?" He asked. He held up a portrait I'd always kept to myself. It was the portrait that Jeff had painted of our last prom together. It was still ever so beautiful.

"I'll take that!" Marcy said cutting in. She took the photo from him smiling as she looked at it. "Why didn't I see this?! It's beautiful, when did you paint it and who's that?" She asked. I stood and made my way over to her.

"I'll take it." I said taking it from her with ease. I held it in front of me and smiled. "It's me on my very last prom. Best night of my life. Best night with my best friend." I sighed.

"I thought I was your best friend?" She frowned.

"Your more than that. You're my sister." I smiled. "This is my best friend Jeff. I loved him so much, but we had a fight and that was the end."

"Really?...Did you bang him first?" She exclaimed.

"No Marcy." I said firmly. "It wasn't like that between us."

"Says the girl who's in a tonsil deep prom kiss." She snickered. That had been another one of his wonderful kisses. I'd initiated this one without hesitation and with great desire and he'd followed suit with equal desire. That was the last kiss we shared. Woe is me.

…...

I was laying down in bed staring at the ceiling. Beth was on the other side of me, she hadn't talked to me for the rest of that day. I was sure that she would've left me alone by now but she hadn't. She was determined to make me apologize. I wasn't going to. I meant every word that I said. I kept asking myself though 'why not leave her!?' I didn't and wouldn't leave her because I had no one else to fall back on. I had no one to run to afterwards. Nor did I think I ever would again.

::Flashback::

I was so angry with her. Why? Why couldn't she just do this one thing for me. I just wanted them to get along. I just wanted her to be happy for me. I scolded her and made her feel like shit though and that made me feel like shit. I left Beth's side to stand on the front porch and then I saw her. She ran right by my view and kept running. I should've ran after her, but I didn't. I didn't know what to say to her. She ran til she was out of my sight and even then I thought I could see her.

I could hear her though. I was sure the whole world could. Beth, Lita, and Matt ran out onto the porch with fear on their faces.

"What the hell is going on Jeff?" Matt asked as another piercing scream tore up through the night sky.

"She's gone." I muttered trying to contain myself. 'She's dead. She's in pain.' I wanted to say.

"Gone? What do you mean she's gone?" Lita asked angrily from behind me.

"She's gone and she's never coming back." I turned and went inside and up to my room slamming the door before I broke down. I had never cried so hard. I never thought a man could cry this hard. It was like watching my family die in front of me. She was family. I had catered to her so long that I was used to running to her side the minute I heard even a tremble in her voice. I couldn't run to her this time. There's no way she'd let me. I wanted to be there though. I wanted to pick her up and wipe the tears away. I wanted to stroke her hair and her back and tell we'd make it. Tell her we'd be okay. I wanted to kiss the pain away. I wanted to carry her off to our secret place and love her. All this time I've been so scared of losing her, of her leaving me or someone taking her. Now that she's gone I can't believe I was the one who pushed her away. All this time it was me.

::End of Flashback::