Chapter 7: The Word of Your Body
O, I'm gonna be wounded Just too unreal, all this…
O, I'm gonna be your wound
O, I'm gonna bruise you
O, you're gonna be my bruise
The Word of your Body – Jonathon Groff & Lea Michele
Rachel raced to the door and swung it open wide, grinning widely when she saw her father's standing on her door step. They enveloped her in a hug and helped her take her things to the car before thank her Aunt and Uncle for letting her stay with them for awhile. They said it was fine and that she was a pleasure to have and she hugged them both before running to the car and climbing in the back. She was excited to be going back, even though she knew that things were going to be hard. She got her daddies to let her play the Spring Awakening soundtrack on the car ride home and they promised that they would bring her back to New York at some point to see it again. She found that she was actually going to miss living with her relatives, her cousin Melchior would be a heart breaker when he got old enough and she hoped that some day he auditioned to be in the play he was named after, for nothing would make her happier than to see little Melchior perform as Melchior.
About halfway into the drive home her Dad got a phone call that caused him to become eerily quiet. When they stopped the car at a rest stop so that she could use the bathroom she saw her father's fighting over by the car, her Dad saying something to her Daddy who looked really upset. When they saw her coming over to the car they stopped fighting and smiled at her, asking if there was anything else she needed before they left. After they bought her a mars bar, which she had been craving badly, they pulled back onto the highway and Rachel forgot all about the fact that they had been fighting. She was still shocked that her Dad's hadn't said anything about the baby yet, and she wondered if they were angry or disappointed. She almost wished they would have yelled at her, because that would be easier than not knowing what was going through their minds.
She didn't spend too much time dwelling on that as she was too busy panicking, wondering what she would say to Jesse when she saw him. She wondered if he was angry at her for leaving and not telling him, and for changing her phone number. She realized now that it probably hadn't been the best idea, but she hoped that he would forgive her for her sake and for the baby's.
She was terrified to have to tell him, because she had no idea how he would react. He could take it one of two ways; he could either embrace it completely or leave her alone in order to achieve his dreams. She knew that he dreamed of being a star just like she did, but she didn't know what she would do if he went to UCLA and decided that he wanted nothing to do with the baby growing inside of her. She wasn't sure if she would even be able to raise the baby if Jesse wasn't going to be involved in some way, it would be too difficult and hard on her heart. She couldn't imagine raising a baby in a world where Jesse didn't want it, didn't love it.
It would break her heart every day until the end of time.
She thought about this the entire drive back to Lima, wondering how she would tell him. Honestly she wondered if he would even talk to her after how she'd behaved. It had been childish and immature, and if she were him she wasn't sure if she would forgive herself either. When they hit the city limits Rachel was surprised to see that they weren't headed in the direction of their house, but down a street that she'd never been down before. When they pulled up outside of the hospital and parked the car, Rachel was really starting to get confused.
"Daddy what are we doing here?"
"Quinn called when we were on the way and she wanted us to meet her here." Rachel's eyes widened and she frantically unbuckled herself from the seat belt. She jumped out of the car and impatiently waited for her fathers to get out of the car as they headed into the hospital. Her father's went straight to the front desk but as she looked around she saw Finn Hudson sitting on one of the plastic chairs against the wall with his head in his hands. She started to sprint for him but she saw Quinn talking to a doctor and she slowed down, feeling her father's come up from behind her and grasp her by the arms. She wondered why until she heard Quinn say her name and something about her not knowing, and she decided to speak up.
"She doesn't know what?"
Quinn whirled around with a gasp and looked like she was going to faint as she burst into tears and Finn hopped up from his chair and came to stand behind her, winding his arms around her stomach. She looked like she was going to pass out and Rachel wondered idly if something had happened to one of the members of Glee.
"What don't I know Quinn?" She asked again, narrowing her eyes at the blonde girl who was falling apart in front of her eyes. She didn't have the patience to deal with Quinn's drama, she wanted to go find Jesse and tell him everything.
"Are you Rachel Berry?" the doctor asked, turning towards her. She took in the doctor's appearance and nodded, extending a hand in his direction. The Doctor didn't accept, but was staring at her. More accurately, he was staring at her stomach that was starting to round ever so slightly, more apparently in the tight fitting shirt that she'd put on before leaving New York. She hadn't planned on anyone seeing her in it, so it hadn't occurred to her to wear something that would hide the bump.
"Yes I am." She said confidently.
"Are you pregnant?" He seemed flabbergasted, and when she looked over to meet Finn and Quinn's eyes she saw that they looked just as shocked as the Doctor was. She blushed and muttered that, yes; she was pregnant as she saw Quinn begin to sway on her feet. Finn helped the blonde girl into one of the chairs and was on his knees in front of her, talking to her about something. Rachel wondered why her news was so disturbing until the doctor turned toward her and took a deep breath. He motioned for her and her parents to follow him into the side room and she did hesitantly, wondering what was going on. The room appeared to be his office and he gestured for the three of them to take a seat on the couch opposite the desk, as he handed them a box of Kleenex.
Rachel felt like they were about to be told that someone had died as her father's grasped her hand in theirs.
"Rachel, is it safe to assume that the father of your baby is Jesse St. James?"
"I'm not sure if that's any of your business…" she said awkwardly, avoiding his stare, "but yes, it is. How did you know?"
"Rachel…Jesse was admitted to the hospital earlier this morning." She scrambled to her feet but her father's pulled her back down, winding their arms around her as she started to shake. If they had pulled her into the private room there was nothing good that could come of it, and Quinn had been crying so hard and had said that she needed to come home…
Oh god. Jesse was dead.
"No no no no no no no" she wailed, clutching her stomach as she started to sob uncontrollably.
"Rachel"
"Rachel"
"RACHEL"
Rachel looked up through her sobs and saw the Doctor standing above her, looking worried. She wondered why until she realized that her heart was beating erratically and she found herself short of breath. She started to hyperventilate and the doctor told her to put her head between her knees which she did, still struggling to reclaim her breath.
"Rachel, Jesse needs you to be strong for him, and the baby. You need to breathe."
"How can I breathe when the one boy I love more than love itself is dead?" She screeched dramatically, sobbing and trying to breathe through the pain.
"He's not dead!" The doctor shouted, causing Rachel to cease crying and slowly recompose herself.
"He's not?"
"No. He's not…but we have a lot to talk about."
*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*
"I can't believe Rachel's pregnant." Finn muttered, still holding Quinn in his arms as she sobbed into his shoulder. She mumbled a response through her tears but he couldn't hear it so he continued to hold as she cried. The entire situation was completely bizarre, and he wasn't sure how he should be feeling right about now. Two days ago he'd been spending the summer playing video games and attempting to re-establish his friendship with Puck and now he was sitting in a hospital waiting room with the girl he loved crying over a guy he hated. He couldn't help but think karma was a bitch, and they were all getting the payment they deserved. Finally Quinn's tears seemed to stop flowing and she seemed to calm herself down, until Rachel walked out of the private room the doctor had taken them into. She was power walking down the hallway and Finn and Quinn jumped out of their seats to chase after her, determined to be there for their friend. They followed Rachel to the bathroom where Finn left them, sinking to the floor outside the bathroom. He could hear murmurs and sobs from behind the door and he wanted nothing more than to be able to quell the fears that the girls were experiencing, to tell them that things were going to get better.
But he didn't know if they would.
Finn liked to consider himself an optimist but he knew that this situation was shitty, no matter how you looked at it. Even if Jesse managed to come out of this completely okay his life was pretty much over. He would never be allowed to go back to Vocal Adrenalin, he'd probably be expelled from Carmel because of the drugs, and his scholarship to UCLA would definitely be gone. He could understand why the dude had tried to kill himself after he'd gotten in too deep, but that didn't make it any less stupid. He had no idea how Rachel was feeling right now, especially since she was apparently pregnant with the guy's kid. That kind of blew, for Rachel anyway, since her baby daddy was in the hospital fighting his life and whatever. He couldn't believe that they had to go back to school in two weeks, it seemed totally surreal. The summer had gone by so fast, and he couldn't believe that all of this stuff had been going on and he'd had no idea. He hadn't even known that Jesse was like sad or anything and then the guy had gone all psycho depressive and started doing drugs and killing himself. He couldn't imagine loving someone that much but even as he thought it, Quinn's face appeared in his mind and he knew that love could make you do, and believe, ridiculous things.
He wasn't a complete idiot. He knew that a girl couldn't get pregnant in a hot tub, but he had let her convince him because he had wanted that little girl inside of her to be his so bad that it was almost okay that she wasn't, because at least he could pretend that she was. Until he found out the truth and had to face the fact that she wasn't really is, and that had sucked hardcore. He knew that Jesse and Rachel were going to have a really hard time facing their new reality, especially now, and he hoped that he'd be able to help in anyone possible.
He didn't like the guy all that much, but no one deserved to have to go it alone.
*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*
When Quinn pushed open the bathroom door she was surprised to see Rachel Berry staring stoically into the mirror in front of her, as if glaring at her reflection would change the situation that she found herself in. She could tell by the fact that Rachel's eyes were red with tear tracks running down her cheeks that the girl had been crying, but the fact that she was no longer crying proved that the doctor had told her everything, including the stuff about the drugs.
"Did you know?" Rachel whispered, not looking away from her reflection in the mirror. Quinn wondered if the girl had even blinked since she'd heard the news but she shook her head in reply to her friend's question.
"I've been trying to get through to him for awhile…he's been lost." She wanted to say this as carefully as she could because even though she knew that this was all basically because of Rachel, she didn't want to say it out loud. "I know a girl from VA and she was watching him for me, until he started to get...worse. So I called Finn and we tailed him, and that was when I suspected he was in trouble. We tried to help him but he w-wouldn't l-let us. I tried to talk to him but he p-pushed me away and then Shelby called and said he was in t-trouble and then the a-ambulance c-called and…" She trailed off as she succumbed to her tears, feeling like a failure of a friend. Rachel had entrusted in her one simple instruction, look after Jesse, and shed been unable to stop him from self destructing. She had let them both down, and now they were all going to have to suffer the consequences.
"It's my fault" Rachel said idly, staring into the mirror. "…and don't try to tell me it's not, we both know that it is. If I hadn't run off to New York this wouldn't have happened." Quinn opened her mouth to say something to contradict her friend's statement but she didn't know what to say, so she allowed her mouth to close. She looked up and saw her best friend's face crumple and fall as she started to sob hysterically, faltering on her feet as she started to slide down onto the floor. Quinn caught her mid-fall and captured the hysterical girl in her arms, allowing them to fall softly onto the ground. Rachel's cries were so heartbreaking that Quinn felt the tears welling up in her eyes once more, and she wondered how it was possible that she had any tears left in her to cry. Almost as soon as she started, Rachel stopped crying and wiped the tears away from her eyes.
"I have to be strong for them, I can't cry about it anymore. It won't change anything."
Quinn couldn't help but admire the strength coming from the brunette woman in front of her whose heart was so obviously breaking on her sleeve that it was painful even to watch. She couldn't even being to imagine what experiencing this kind of pain would be like, and she was thankful that things had worked out so well for her and Noah when Beth had come into the world. She couldn't imagine what she would have done if something like this had happened to him, and she didn't even really love him. Jesse and Rachel were the kind of love that you read about in story books, so this kind of thing happening to them seemed so surreal and wrong, that it just shouldn't be happening.
But it was.
And it wasn't fair.
*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*
8 hours later Jesse was out of surgery, and she had convinced herself that she would be able to go in there and see him without bursting into tears. She was determined to be as strong for him as she could be, for the two of them and for their baby. The doctor had explained to her that going through rehabilitation was going to very difficult for him and that he was going to need all of the support that he could gather around him, and that the time for childhood problems was not now. It didn't matter how angry she was at him at getting into the drugs and trying to kill himself, all that mattered now was that he lived long enough so that she could figure out why he did it and help him move past it.
The only thing was, she was terrified to find out why he did it.
Standing in the bathroom staring at her reflection in the mirror, she felt like a murderer. She may not have given him the drugs or put the blade in his hands but she felt like she'd done it, like she'd snuffed out the life of someone so successful that it was ridiculous. It made her want to break down and dissolve into tears when she heard that his career as a vocalist with VA was over, and that his scholarship was likely to be revoked from UCLA along with his acceptance when they heard that he'd almost died due to a drug related incident. She couldn't help but feel intensely guilty about all of it, wondering if things would have been different if she'd just answered his phone calls when he'd called.
She'd been petty, thinking about her own hurt feelings, and not thinking even once to consider his. She'd never considered how he would take her abandonment, how it would change him. She had thought that maybe he'd focus more on performing, or cry a little, but she had never imagine that something like this would happen.
She hoped to god that it wasn't solely because of her, because if it was…she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to look herself in the eye ever again.
She took a deep breath before pushing open the door to his room hesitantly, not sure exactly what she'd be seeing. She was shocked and she would have taken a step backwards if Quinn hadn't been behind her, pushing her towards the bed. She sat down on the edge of his bed as Quinn took the chair beside it, looking just as miserable as she felt. She knew that Quinn felt guilty about not being able to sense that anything was wrong with Jesse before it was too late, but she wasn't to blame. If anyone was to blame it was Rachel, but that comment remained unspoken.
"Oh Jesse…" She whispered quietly, taking in all of the machines that he was strapped to that beeped methodically. She found that the beeping was one of the best sounds she'd heard in a really long time, because they proved that he was still alive and still with her. She looked him over quickly, compartmentalizing all his injuries. His beautiful curly hair had been shaved off and there were bandages covering his head completely, as well as some minor lacerations on his face and his neck. His arm was in a cast so it was obviously broken and judging from the wrap around his ribs he probably had some bruised rips or cracked ribs. His legs were scraped up but other than that they looked okay, which led her eyes upwards to his arms, which caused her to begin to weep. She hadn't been prepared to see the self-mutilation, even though she had been prepared beforehand by the doctor. She had expected a few shallow and superficial cuts, nothing like the lacerations she was seeing in front of her. It looked like he had tried to play X's and O's on himself and she had to stifle the urge to sob when she saw that he had carved what looked like a star with her name in it on the underside of his arm. Both of his wrists were wrapped up in gauze and she assumed that was how he had tried to kill himself, since the other lacerations on his arms had started to scab over and looked as if they'd been there for a few days. She felt the tears welling up in her eyes but she refused to let them spill over, knowing that she didn't deserve the relief that crying would give her.
She deserved to suffer just as much as the boy sleeping in the bed because it was her fault that he was there…and for that, she refused to let herself cry.
*GLEE*GLEE*GLEE*
AN: So Rachel finally knows what's going on…and she's trying to be strong for Jesse. I thought about having her freak out and be all crazy and crying and a mess but then I realized that she would probably blame herself for everything, and that guilt would make her hold it all inside and try to be strong. To punish herself.
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