"Loki Palmer's Madhouse Kitchen"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Here is a one-shot dish of literary stew inspired by a certain plot point of George R.R. Martin's awesome series, Game of Thrones. I won't say which plot point in particular, lest I spoil the fun [wink, wink]. LOL!
Chapter 7
Revenge is So Hilarious
Harry could sense something amiss in the air when he saw Hermione's eyes burning in his direction when he won the Felix Felicis from Professor Slughorn at the end of their first sixth-year Potions class.
He ran after her. "Hermione, wait!"
She spun around. "I suppose congratulations are in order, Harry. Congratulations."
"You don't sound like it."
"Why should I sound sincere about this, when you have used the notes of a former student to do better in Potions? How can this be any better than cheating?"
"These notes are additions that the author didn't think of when he wrote the book, Hermione. They add to the pool of knowledge. Besides, isn't it common for people to write in the margins of their books?"
She nodded. "Up to a certain point, yes, I guess they do. Even I have been guilty of doing the same – if the margins are wide enough. Whoever this student was, he or she was brilliant."
"Haven't you been saying that I should be studying to do better in my classes, Hermione? Think about it this way – who better to learn from than a master of his craft?"
She smiled at him. "What can I say? You have gained my interest."
"Great! Uh, by the way, you were saying that Amortentia smells different to each person?"
She nodded. "What did you smell, Harry?"
"I smelled pumpkin pie, strawberries, and …"
"Harry, are you blushing? Come on, what else did you smell?"
"No! Okay, yes, I am, I guess … I smelled … vanilla shampoo."
She matched him blush for blush, as she remembered there was one female Gryffindor who used vanilla shampoo: she did.
"I remember smelling all of this at the Burrow, which is funny. I don't remember them serving us pumpkin pie or strawberries."
"Son of a banshee, Harry! I remember smelling the same scents at the Burrow. Okay, not the scents of pumpkin pie, strawberries, and vanilla shampoo …"
"…But the scents of mown grass, parchment, and spearmint toothpaste."
"You remembered."
"Of course I did; why wouldn't I remember something about you?"
"There was one other scent, but I was unwilling to mention it in class."
"What was it?"
She lowered her eyes, shining with a mischievous light, and bit her bottom lip. "Oh, I'm not telling you that, Harry … not yet …"
"You do know you are adorable when you bite your bottom lip?"
"You think so?"
"I know so. Do you have any idea what looking at that for six years makes me want to do?"
"It may be that I have some idea, but enlighten me all the same."
"It makes me want to distract you … in whatever way possible."
"So, what ways would you use to distract me? Would you use, say – kissing?"
"Quite the flirtatious one, aren't we, Hermione? The short answer is no." He saw her frown. "The longer answer is: no, not at this stage. I would be saving that for later."
"That's fair. So, besides kissing and anything beyond, what other ways would you use to distract me?"
He stepped back a few paces and fired off a Tickling Jinx, which hit her shield and bounced away.
"That's your answer – a tickling war? How immature of you, Harry …"
"It brings a smile to your face and a light to your eyes, doesn't it?"
A light shone in her eyes, but it was the light of someone ready for battle. Oh, shoot, he thought. I'm in trouble.
"I won't deny that," she said, "but it's been a while since anyone has challenged me."
"So, do you accept my challenge?"
"Bring it on, Harry!"
Thus a tickling war started between the two of them in the corridor. Of course, all the noise and laughter would draw attention, and – no surprise – it drew the attention of the cantankerous caretaker, Argus Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris.
"What is going on here?"
The both of them hit him with a Tickling Jinx – then they knocked him out. For good measure, they soaked Mrs. Norris and ran, laughing all the way back to Gryffindor.
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
After their first Quidditch match of the season – which they won because Ron, in a surprise move, kept the Quaffle from going into the Gryffindor goal posts – Harry and Hermione were at the side of the heated celebration, watching him soak up the adulation of the adoring crowd.
"Harry, you know I could report you for putting Felix Felicis into Ron's cup, right?"
He brought out the small vial. "I know … but how come the vial is full?"
She swatted him. "Prat … you made it seem like you added it to his cup."
He winked at her. "I will add that Luna helped."
"You're a reckless genius when you want to be, you know that?"
"Oh, look, Hermione; Ron is even luckier than we thought …"
They saw Lavender climb onto the table next to Ron and, to more cheers from the crowd, the couple started to snog.
"Time for Operation: Waterworks."
"Operation: Waterworks?"
He saw her eyes water with tears, and his eyes wanted to water in sympathy for her plight as he watched her run away to a corridor.
The mind of a woman, he thought, is something I cannot comprehend. How do females pull off that trick?
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
He found her in a corridor crying her eyes out.
"Hermione?"
She looked up. "Oh … hi, Harry. Crookshanks came down with me, to keep me company."
"Hey, Crookshanks, you giant furball."
"Meow." He hopped onto Harry's lap, and his purr started to run as Harry petted him.
"Is this what it feels like, Harry – for someone to break your heart?"
"Since when have you been interested in that Troll-Brained Comedy Relief for him to break your heart?"
"Well … there was fourth year … when I was hoping you would ask me out … but, by the time either one of you thought of asking me, it was too late."
"This was because Cho was my love interest during my fourth year. How was I to know she was dating Cedric at the time?"
"Well, you could have asked her, Harry ..."
Harry remembered his statement to Ron: "I think I would much rather face the dragon again."
"Or you could have paid attention to any social cues between the two ..."
"Hermione … I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but … I'm a clueless male!"
"So? You could have asked me for my input. Even so, last year was proof enough that the both of you would not have worked."
Crookshanks started to growl.
"Oh, dear me, sorry, Harry!" said Lavender. "We didn't know you and Hermione were here ..."
"It's okay, Lavender, no harm done, though it does seem to me that you and Won Won will have to find somewhere else ..."
"Yeah, Harry … sorry if we interrupted anything ..."
"Ron?"
"Yeah, Harry?"
"I have one word of advice: Run!"
A yowling Crookshanks sprang into action and bolted after Ron's retreating form …
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
Within the Hogwarts library one day, Harry and Hermione were talking about the upcoming party with Professor Slughorn.
"So, Harry, who are you planning to take to Slughorn's party?"
"I was hoping I could take you. You know, we could go as friends, if nothing more."
She smacked her forehead. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Whoa, stop the presses. You didn't think of this? Somebody call the Devil and ask how he's enjoying his Christmas."
She gave him a playful swat. "Stop it, you! Don't tell me you're jealous all of a sudden!"
He snorted. "You think I'm jealous? Who would have to fear my jealousy?"
"You won't like the person I invited."
"Whom did you invite, Hermione?"
"Cormac McLaggen."
She could feel the heat of his green eyes glowing as his anger flared out, though not at her. "You invited McLaggen, that horny, arrogant blowhard who thinks the sun shines out of his own tuchas?"
"You're not angry at me, are you, Harry?"
"No, I'm not; the news surprised me a bit, but I'm not angry at you. If he tries anything improper towards you, though, I will make him suffer – and that's a promise!"
"I wouldn't want it any other way, Harry. By the way, we will have to be careful whom you take to the party. Do you see that girl over there, some distance behind me in the corner?"
Harry nodded.
"That's Romilda Vane, and I overheard that she might try to smuggle you a Love Potion."
"Does she think I would be so easy to deceive, Hermione?"
"Sad to say, God gave males a brain and a penis, but enough blood to fill one at a time. Considering a Love Potion's effects on the male arousal mechanism, a strong enough Love Potion would deaden your higher thought processes long enough for a female to lead you into her bed."
Harry could hear Yello's "Oh Yeah" playing in his mind.
"Harry, could you focus here?" Record scratch. "She's interested in you because she thinks you're the Chosen One!"
"Why should I care what she thinks? I am more than that bloody title!"
"I know you hate that title, Harry, but how can I help you unless you pay attention to what I say?" She cleared her throat. "Harry, my eyes are up here."
Blushing, he lifted his gaze to her face as she rolled her eyes. Males, she thought …
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
Harry found Hermione at the party. "So, Hermione – this is where you've been hanging around all this time?"
"It's that jerk McLaggen. He has more arms than a Snarfflump plant."
"More arms than a what? A Snuffleupagus?"
"Hey, guys," said Neville, sticking his head through the curtain. "Would you like some dragon tartar?"
"Dragon what?" they said.
"It's some kind of dish made from dragon, I think. They do tend to give a person bad breath."
Hermione ate a couple. "They might help to repel McLaggen."
"Would you like me to deliver a message for you, Hermione?"
She smiled. "Go ahead, Harry. Oh, here he comes – I'll see you later."
Cormac McLaggen was the next to enter the enclosure. "Say, have either of you seen Granger around here?"
"I think … she went to powder her nose, McLaggen … or whatever it is these females do at a high-class event like this one, am I right, or am I right?"
Cormac snorted as he ate from the dish Neville held out for him. "You're so right on the money, Potter. Your friend is a slippery minx … not to mention she likes working her mouth too ..."
Harry steepled his fingers. "Oh, is that so? Please … tell us more ..."
"Oh, I would be glad to tell you … say, what are these I'm eating?"
"Dragon testicles."
Either it was the thought of eating male dragon reproductive parts that churned Cormac's stomach, or it was the excessive alcohol in his digestive system that did so, but the result was the same: he puked his stomach contents … onto the shoes of Professor Snape.
"That will be a month's detention with me, McLaggen … where do you think you're going, Potter?"
"He's had himself too much to drink tonight, Professor."
"Ah, I see. The Headmaster asked me to wish you a happy holidays on his behalf."
"Thank you, and may I wish the same to the both of you?"
Professor Snape gave him a curt nod and left.
A few minutes later, Harry sent Cormac McLaggen crashing down the stairs. The painful fall didn't kill the arrogant jagoff, but he wouldn't exit the Hospital Wing until after the New Year.
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
One night, Harry came into the dorm to see Ron with a dreamy look on his face. "It's a beautiful night, right, Harry? The moon is shining bright ..."
"Yeah, Ron, it's gorgeous." He saw an opened box of chocolates on his bed. "Having yourself a little late night snack?"
"Okay, I might have had myself a fair few of those chocolates."
"An eating machine like you ate a fair few? It seems to me that you had 20 chocolates."
"Does she know I exist?"
"I would hope so, since you two have been snogging for the past few months."
"How can that be, since I haven't met her yet?"
"Ron, are we on the same page here?"
"What girl did you think I was speaking about?"
"Lavender … she's had her tongue down your throat far enough to give you an amateur tonsil exam. Did you think I was speaking of another?"
"I thought you were speaking of Romilda Vane. Ah, Romilda …"
Harry examined the opened box of chocolates. With it was a card that read, "Merry Christmas Harry. Love, Romilda." Above it was a picture of her blowing kisses to him with a bunch of hearts all around. Oh, this is hilarious, he thought. She intended these Love Potion chocolates for me, but the biggest glutton in the boys' dorm ate them instead. I wish I could say that I would hate humiliating him like this, but it could be fun to watch …
"Come on, Ron. I'm going to introduce you to Romilda ..."
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
They came down the stairs to find Hermione in the common room.
"Hey, Hermione. Can you find Romilda for us?"
"What's going on?"
"Do you remember when you told me that she might try sending me some Love Potion?"
"Of course I remember."
"She sent me some, in a box of chocolates. Guess who ate the chocolates?"
She noted Ron's glassy stare and had to stifle a giggle.
"I know … as funny as this situation is, it is going to become a laugh riot. Could you go and bring her here?"
"Sure … anything to help out a helpless romantic like Won Won …"
As she walked up the stairs, Harry patted Ron on the back. "Ron, I'm going to run and get you a drink. Good luck, mate."
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
Searching in his dorm, it did not take Harry a long time to find the stock of Love Potion Antidote he had cooked up for him and Hermione. She had hugged him for all he was worth when they had taken said antidote, promising that there was more to come when they had completed their revenge on their wannabe lovers.
Now he had to wait for the right moment for his entrance. He could hear the exchange from the common room.
Hermione said, "So, Romilda … have you met Ron yet?"
Ron said, "Romilda, at last we meet, my love, my darling!"
This was not going according to my plan, thought Romilda. I wanted Harry, not his dumbass sidekick!
Ron tried to kiss her and she recoiled.
SMACK!
"Ow! Romilda, I thought you loved me!"
"Keep away from me, you freak!" She ran back up the stairs, while Hermione spun him upside down.
"Hermione, put me down! ROMILDA! HEY, ROMILDA!"
"Keep yelling, Stanley Kowalski; it won't do you any good."
"What is going on here?" said Lavender, coming down the stairs. "What's happened to my Won Won?"
Harry entered the common room, trying to suppress his amusement from breaking out into a laugh at Ron's expense. "Hermione, can you put him back down?"
"What's going on with Won Won? Why was he calling out another girl's name?"
"Just wait a moment, Lavender, while we fix him up. Here, Ron, drink this."
"What is it?"
"I think Romilda fled from you because of bad breath, so I got you some breath freshener. I hope it helps, Romeo."
"Well, there's no time like the present, so, bottoms up!" He drank from the flask and his brain cleared. "What happened?"
SMACK! "Won Won, we are through! I can't believe you would try to cheat on me!" She ran up the stairs in tears.
"Wait a minute … Harry, would I ever cheat on Lavender?"
"I doubt it, Ron, but under the influence of Love Potion, anything could have happened."
"Love Potion? How did I drink that?"
"Remember those chocolates you ate? Romilda meant for me to have them, but you ate them instead."
"Hermione, did I cheat on Lavender?"
"You tried to kiss Romilda … without any success, I might add … but even so, to a female, trying to kiss another looks just as bad as kissing another. I'm sorry."
Ron shrugged. "Meh … you live and you learn."
Harry patted him on the back. "Tough luck, mate. We're here for you."
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
It was Christmas Eve at the Burrow, and everyone else was asleep, except for Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron.
Ginny carried a plate of cookies for Harry.
"Hey, you – why don't you have yourself a nice Christmas treat?"
"Thanks for the offer, Ginny, but I'm not hungry. Hey, Ron – you want some cookies?"
Ginny's eyes widened as she watched Ron eat the cookies she meant for Harry.
"Hey, Ginny, let's not leave you out," said Hermione. "Here are some cookies for you. I'm not too hungry either."
"Thank you, Hermione." She accepted them from Hermione and started to eat. If Ron was aware, he didn't give any signal as he was busy eating his cookies.
"Okay, Hermione, let's get out of here before this turns into something I don't want to watch."
"Sure thing, Harry."
As they exited the Burrow, he showed her a wedding ring. "What do you say to eloping to marry tonight?"
She gave him a fierce kiss. "Yes, Harry James Potter, I think it's a wonderful idea!"
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
Christmas morning came, and Ron sighed in pleasure. Now he could say that he knew why giggity could feel so amazing. For his first time of giggity – with Lavender, he made it to boob play, but no further – it was marvelous beyond description. He hoped to have many more such experiences.
He opened his eyes … and froze. The female next to him had the wrong shade of hair.
She opened up her eyes, which widened in shock. "Ron?"
"Ginny?"
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
Harry woke up next to Hermione. "Good morning, milady."
"Did you have a good sleep, milord?"
"It was excellent, thank you. I expect we shall be hearing a Banshee Scream in Three … Two … One …"
Right on cue, the scream of Molly Weasley sounded all throughout the British Isles, even waking Seamus out in Ireland …
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
"I CAN'T BELIEVE THE TWO OF YOU – SLEEPING WITH EACH OTHER?! YOU'RE BROTHER AND SISTER, FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!"
"I wanted to get pregnant with Harry's baby, Mum, so we could gain the Potter fortune!"
"I wanted to get Hermione pregnant, Mum, so she could learn her place! Wait a minute, Ginny – you said you wanted to get pregnant?" She nodded. "Uh-oh; so that means …" She nodded again. "Bloody fucking hell!"
"RONALD WEASLEY, YOU WILL WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE!"
"Why should I care about my language?"
"I think I have heard enough," said Arthur Weasley in the doorway. "For the humiliation of the Weasley Family through the accursed act of incest, I, Lord Arthur Weasley, toss Ronald and Ginny out of the Family – so mote it be!"
"Daddy, no!"
"I'm not your Father anymore … I will allow you as much time as you need to pack your belongings, but I want you out!"
~REVENGE IS SO HILARIOUS~
"So, my dearest Hermione, you did say there was another scent you smelled in the Love Potion. What was it, if I may be so curious?"
"It was you."
"Is that so?"
"Harry – do my senses deceive me, or are you ready to go at me again?"
"I would be ready to go at you as many times as necessary. After all, you know how your brain turns me on …"
She shivered in pleasure. "Oh, Harry …"
Who knew revenge could be so hilarious?
Author's Note: Another funny dish of stew done! Read and review!
Smiles and laughter,
Loki Palmer