TRIGGER WARNING! Like supper triggering VERY descriptive.
Don't own glee lalala.
"Where the hell have you been Finn Husdson?"
Ok, that was not exactly what he expected when the door opened but maybe it would make things easier. Putting a hand up to his stinging cheek he took a deep breath.
"Rach, we need to talk."
Rachel led Finn into the living room and they sat down.
"Last year in the library we got back together knowing that it wasn't going to last because you were going to New York. I can't be the person who holds you back from anything Rach. And now that we know I can't consciously flaunt our relationship in front of Quinn."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Rachel asked baffled.
"I don't want to Rach, I swear I love you so much. But we have both changed so much to be with each other and looking back, I'm not sure that it was a good change."
After an uncomfortable silence Rachel finally spoke.
"Your right."
"I still want us to be friends Rach, I love you and I don't want to lose you completely."
"You're acting so differently, where have you been Finn?"
"Well I have actually been seeing a counselor and going in for anger management, I want to be the type of man my father would be proud of."
"You are Finn."
"Rachel, I\m going to go tell Quinn, when she is out of the hospital." Rachel stiffened at the name. "You know I kind of can't believe none of us saw it before."
"Saw what?"
"How much Quinn loves you. If, " Finn took a breath " If there is any chance at all that you could ever return Quinn's feelings, I think she'd be good for you Rach. But you should give her some time to figure out herself and, maybe don't flaunt it in front of me."
"Finn, I"
"Rachel honey were home! I got, oh" Leroy's face immediately became one of anger. "Decided to show your face did you Hudson."
"Daddy don't."
"I should go Rach, I'll see you later."
Rachel sighed.
"Bye Finn"
"Im sorry"
Santana whipped her eyes away from the television where she had been practicing the game so that she would be ready when Mike came back for a rematch. Either she was so desperate for Quinn to get better that she was hearing things or that barely audible groggy voice came from her best friend. Seeing that Quinn was trying again but having difficulty because she had not used her voice in so long Santana grabbed the water off the night stand beside Quinn and made her drink some. Clearing her throat she tried again.
"I'm sorry." her voice still sounded like gravel but it was better.
"Why did you do it Q, we all love you and we could have figured this out"?
"And now it's worse, it was bad enough before everyone knew, I-I can't do it Santana I can't face them, everyone knows. You have to help me please"
The pain and pleading in Quinn's voice almost killed her "What can I do Q? Anything?"
"I need you to help me"
"I know Quinn but how, what are you talking about?"
In a suddenly calm and certain voice Quinn explained to her.
"Santana, I need you to go out that door and close it behind you then I want you to tell my mother that there is a nurse watching me and I want to be alone. Then I want you to go home and I want you to forget about me. I've been watching, the nurse just came in to check my vitals, I have about a half an hour window give or take, and I can buy some more time by pushing those two chairs against the door and the wall. I need your help Santana cause I am not going to screw this up again and it is because of you that I didn't get it right the first time. Santana, I need you to let me die."
Santana stared at her, mouth agape
"Quinn, the doctor they can help th…"
Quinn cuts her off as she starts to get angry.
"How Santana, with what? With these? Quinn reached behind herself and grabbed her pillow reaching inside and pulling out a bunch of pills. "These won't do anything but numb the pain. I have tried to fight this for so long Santana, years of darkness never letting me be happy, you know what, I don't want to fight it any more I am sick of being tired and sad and lonely all the time! I just want it to be over, help me because I have been suffocating and chocking without the satisfaction of finally not breathing! Help me because I can't remember the last time I was happy! Help me because it's better for everyone else! Help me because I don't want to see everyone's pity! Help me because the only time I feel even a second of peace is when I'm mutilating my own body and watching as I bleed! Help me because all I feel are the holes, Beth, Mike, you and Britt, Rachel and my mother! Help me because you will all be okay when I'm gone! Help me because the only time my father used to interact with me was so he could hit me! Help me becau…"
Quinn stops suddenly, during her rant she had ripped of her blanket in order to show Santana her ugly scars but instead found ducks, a collage of different duck band aids covering every injury she had inflicted upon herself.
"Britt wants you to get better, she uses those band-aids for everything, says they help you get better faster, she put them on while you were in your coma. She makes me change mine every day." Santana whispered to her and gestured to the band aid on her arm from where the doctors had drawn blood. "We all need you Q" Santana can't cry any more, throughout Quinn screaming at her she realized she couldn't, that she needed to be strong, for Quinn. Quinn's face changed as she looked at the ducks and her breathing started to quicken, she began to rock back and forth scratching her arms and mumbling to herself.
Quinn's yelling had attracted attention and Santana watched as the doctors held down and sedated her friend, Santana watched as Quinn finally stopped shacking and started breathing normally as she passed out. Santana watched Quinn's thin worn out face and realized that she didn't recognize her best friend any more. Santana realized that she never knew her in the first place and that hits her hard and it hurts. Then Santana watched as they told Judy that instead of taking Quinn home soon like was planed they were sending her to the long term care ward because she was still a danger to herself. Santana watched Judy and saw the face of a mother who just didn't know what to do, then Santana dropped to the floor with her head in her hands and for the first time in a long time, she prayed.
One month later
Quinn was finally being released from the hospital, the past month had been draining on her, she had to see a shrink for an hour every day and they had been forcing her to take her medication. She had to admit that it did help a little bit but it would probably be more effective if she wanted to get better, but Quinn wasn't even trying, just pretending so that the doctors would let her go home.
Her mother was on her way to pick her up and Quinn was thinking about a conversation they had had the previous week.
"He asked me to marry him you know, that night when we went out, I was thinking about how I couldn't wait to tell you when I got the call from the hospital. I – I can tell him no if you need me to Quinn you are and will always be the most important thing to me."
"No!" Quinn's outburst had startled Judy.
"I want you to be with him, I see how happy he makes you."
"But does it make you happy Quinn? it would mean living with him and Brittany."
"Brittany is practically already my sister, and Rob was there for me growing up like dad never was, I think it's perfect."
"You know I accept you right?"
"Yeah" 'If only I could accept myself', Quinn thought.
Santana hadn't been back to visit Quinn since she had been terrified by Quinn asking to help her kill herself.
Pulling into her drive way Quinn was met with her new family Brittany pulled her into a big hug and when she finally let go Rob suddenly had her in his arms.
"Don't scare us like that again kiddo"
Quinn just wanted to be alone, walking upstairs to her room she stopped in the doorway. The first thing she realized was that she no longer had a lock on her door and just by glancing around she could tell things were different.
Sure enough as she started looking around there were subtle hints that her stuff had been moved around.
Scared, Quinn started looking in her hiding places.
Gone
Gone Gone Gone
She was getting frantic.
"You won't find any"
Quinn whipped around to find Brittany in the doorway.
"They combed the room ten times and went through everything, there's nothing remotely sharp left in almost the entire house."
Quinn was internally panicking, she needed her razors. In the hospital she had barely gotten by with scratching and using anything else she could find.
Then Quinn remembered she had some in her locker, the relief must have shown on her face cause suddenly Brittany spoke again.
"They went through your locker too, and your car, Im sorry Q but you're out of luck"
Quinn just dropped onto her bed and curled up into a ball and Brittany held her trying to calm her down.
Quinn didn't come down to dinner that night.
At around two in the morning Quinn snuck down stairs,
Knife drawer –empty
Medicine cabinet – empty
Good god even all of the dishes were replaced with plastic.
Quinn had never felt so suffocated before.
Turning to her last desperate resort Quinn quickly turned on the stove, she felt like if she didn't get a release soon she would burst.
So she jammed her hand onto the burner as fast as possible.
Sweet release
Suddenly the kitchen light turned on above her Quinn was struggling and holding her hand down as strong arms wrapped around her and pulled her away.
Quinn went frantic screaming and trying to get back.
As Rob held her down screaming at Brittany to go get Dr. Berry Quinn saw her mother turning off the stove and then look at her uncontrollable daughter and cry.
What felt like an eternity later but in reality was only a few minutes Quinn's struggling was stopped by a needle to the arm and the last thing she saw was the blurry crying and terrified face of Rachel Berry.
When Quinn woke up the next day her hand was throbbing the familiar pain brought a momentary smile to her face before she remembered what had happened and she shot up but quickly fell back down feeling very dizzy.
"Whoa their Quinn I need you to relax the sedative we gave you is gunna make you feel a little fuzzy. Does your hand hurt?"
Quinn felt like at that point in time it was best to go back to not talking for a little bit, so she just shook her head. She didn't want pain killers, she needed the pain.
"Quinnie?"
Quinn whipped her head around to find her mother standing in the doorway with a tray.
"You need to eat sweetheart and take your medication"
Almost robotically Quinn did what she was told, too tired to fight them anymore that day. She was hoping that if she was good they would leave her alone.
Quinn spent the rest of the week doing homework that Judy had been getting from school and watching Disney movies with Brittany.
Quinn was working on AP Bio when Brittany came out of nowhere just about giving Quinn a heart attack.
"WERE MOVING!"
"Brittany, we told you we need to calmly discus this, not shout it."
Rob lightly scolded his eccentric daughter.
"Sorry Daddy"
Quinn just watched on confused as they sat down and Judy turned to her.
"Quinn, I know there are a lot of bad memories in this house so we were wondering if you would be open to moving, not leaving Lima or anything but just going somewhere with a fresh start. There is actually a nice house only a few blocks over that could be good for us. But only if you're ok with it and it's not too stressful."
Quinn thought for a moment not really sure what she wanted, she knew that Judy and Rob had been sleeping in the spare room because they didn't want to be in the same room she had shared with Russell. Also she wasn't planning on staying long so if they wanted a new house they could have it, Judy probably wouldn't want to have to walk past her old bedroom once she was gone. They had enough money and the Pierces had just sold their house.
"Sure"
The one word answer wasn't uncommon.
"Yay! Daddy can I decorate my own room PLEASE!"
"Of course hun"
Every since his wife died Rob had made sure Brittany got everything she wanted and needed, some people said he shouldn't spoil her but after what they went through he felt that she deserved it.
"I can't wait to tell San" Giving Quinn a hug she ran to go find her cell phone, hopefully Lord Tubington hadn't hidden it again.
Now that this conversation was over Quinn wanted some peace, turning around in her chair she went back to her homework. Realizing that they weren't going to be getting anymore out of Quinn that night Judy and Rob left with a sigh.
About twenty minutes later there was a knock on Quinn's door.
"Quinn dear you have a visitor"
Confused to who it could be Quinn turned around and her stomach clenched at the sight of Finn Hudson towering behind her mother.
After Judy walked away there was an awkward silence until Finn finally spoke.
"Mike told be you play video games that's awesome I wish I knew when we were dating we could have had some awesome marathons." Then he smiled at her.
Quinn was baffled and it must have clearly shown on her face.
Finn sighed.
"Look Quinn let's get this out of the way, can I sit?."
When Quinn nodded at him Finn lumbered over and dropped down on the edge of the bed.
"I ended things with her"
Quinn whipped her head away from the floor where she had been staring and looked at Finn in shock, fear and a little bit of anger.
"Now before you go all scary Quinn on me I would like for you to please hear me out."
Quinn was confused, who was this calm and collected guy.
"I love you Quinn, you were my first love and over the past few months you became a good friend. I am so sorry for all the shitty things I've done. I broke things off with her because it never would have lasted we both knew that, you guys are going to New York and tagging along without a clue as to what Im doing, is a bad idea. There would be no point in dragging it along and causing you pain from watching. I love Rachel so much that I know I have to let her go if I held her back she would end up hating me as much as I would end up hating myself. You were right she's going to be a star. You're probably wondering why im not running around kicking chairs and it's because of you. What you did was kind of like a wakeup call for me. I realized I have to stop being a teenager and learn to be a man. I have been taking some anger management classes and talking to someone to help me get over my issues. And I really hope we can be good friends. Rachel is confused and at a loss for what to do right now, she doesn't know if you want to see her or if she should stay away. And by the looks of it you don't know either but when you're ready, just let me know your decision and I can pass on the message. But for now would you like to hang out I brought a show?"
It took Quinn a minute to process everything he said.
Finn started to get anxious from her silence thinking that maybe he said too much too soon.
Suddenly there was a tiny body in his arms and he just held her trying to make her feel as safe as possible, until she pulled away.
"So, ready for some Zombies?" He asked.
After putting the first disk in Quinn climbed back on to her bed and snuggled up with Finn, there was nothing romantic about it even when he pressed a reassuring kiss to her head. It was just one friend looking after another.
They got through three episodes of "The Walking Dead" before Finn had to leave because there was school tomorrow.
"Do you know when you're coming back?" He asked
"I think maybe Im ready."
"Maybe I could pick you and Brittany up for school tomorrow?" Finn asked hesitantly.
"That would be great thank you"
"No problem, see ya Quinn"
And with a hug Finn left into the night leaving a baffled Quinn behind.
"Damn it would be so much easier if he hated me I don't want to hurt him more when im gone."
After Judy came up to watch and make sure Quinn took her pills Quinn tried to go to sleep but couldn't. She could feel it coming on, the energy inside of her, the need to have her release. Her addiction calling out to her, pleading in every way. It was driving her crazy her clock turned to 3 and Quinn knew that if she didn't do something she wouldn't be getting any sleep. Very quietly she got dressed and grabbed her purse, than in a very practiced movement she climbed out of her window and down the trove. It took her twenty minutes to walk to the 24 hour drug store and buy some razors. Once back at the house she hid a pack in the shed and a pack in the garden and then climbed back up to her bedroom with the other two. Not being able to balance with both in her hand she placed one on the top of the trove and swung inside. As she was about to reach out and grab it a voice made her freeze.
"I was scared you might be dead, I was sitting here convincing myself that you wouldn't do it without at least leaving a note but I wasn't sure."
"I just went for a walk B" Quinn told her hiding the box behind her back.
"Please just give them to me Quinn, please."
"I need them B, you don't understand."
"Your right I don't understand because you won't talk to me so that I can."
The blinding light of her bedroom suddenly broke through the darkness.
"What's going on guys it's 4 in the morning, what's behind your back Quinn?"
"Just pass them to me Q and I'll give them to dad and we won't tell mom ok?"
Quinn did as she was told, feeling guilty at the look of disappointment on Robs face when Brittany gave him the box. But then Brittany was back in front of her holding out her hand again.
"Im sorry Q but I know you, you bought more than one."
Sighing but glad she had hidden two outside Quinn reached out the window and grabbed the box giving it to Brittany.
"Goodnight girls"
Rob kissed both of their heads before leaving.
"Come on Q were gunna have a sleepover."
Climbing into bed with Brittany holding her and keeping her calm Quinn stared at the clock until it was time to get up.
Quinn was glad that it was winter when she got dressed the next morning; she put on a long sleeve shirt, jeans, a cardigan and her jacket wanting to make sure no one saw the scar on her arm.
"Quinn, Finn is here we got to go!"
"Coming Britt!"
With one last look in the mirror Quinn composed herself and set off to get through the day.
Judy must have talked to Brittany and Finn because they did not leave her side all day. One of them was always their walking her to class Brittany even came into the bathroom with her. She avoided all the rest of the glee club members and at lunch sat with Finn in the corner of the caf. She knew through Brittany though that the rest of the club was confused about the friendship but staying away per her request.
Then the end of the day glee club came around.
"Im not going, I'll walk home or stay in the library but Im not going in there."
"You have to Quinn, were not leaving you alone, I know you hate it and feel trapped but especially after last night Im not letting this go"
"I'll stay with her"
Shelby's voice startled the three arguing teens.
"If that's ok with Quinn we can sit in my class until glee is over, and you can see Beth."
Silence
"That's great come on Finn!" Finn suddenly found himself being dragged towards the choir room by a surprisingly strong Brittany, watching Quinn's scared face.
"Don't let her out of your sight!" Brittany yelled as they disappeared around the corner.
"Come on Quinn"
As they walked towards Shelby's room Quinn finally broke the silence.
"Why would you let me see her? After everything I did?"
Signing Shelby turned around just outside the door to face the troubled teenager.
"Quinn you need to remember that I gave up my baby to, I understand. I wish you had told me or someone what was happening we could have gotten you help before you did what you tried to do. You have depression Quinn and so many terrible things have happened to you so young that I can't believe I didn't see what you're going through. You're so young and you have so much ahead of you. I think being a part of Beth's life will help you so much and Im sorry I stopped you from seeing her."
Entering the room they were met with Sugar Motta singing for an irritated Beth.
"Thank you for looking after her Sugar, you can go now"
"It was no problem Ms. C she loves my voice."
Walking over to the play pen Beth smiled when she saw Quinn, looking towards Shelby for permission and receiving a nod Quinn picked up her daughter. Shelby marked papers while Quinn played and sang to Beth. She felt like she was leaving a piece of herself behind when Finn and Brittany came to take her home.
"Why don't you come by and sit with Beth during glee until you're ready to go back Shelby suggested "I think she would love it and it would give me time to catch up with my marking."
At home
Quinn and Brittany were doing homework when the former started talking.
"How come Santana never comes to visit you here? You're always at her house"
"You scared her Q, she loves you but what you said, what you asked her to do. It really messed her up and she was already messed up after finding you. I don't want you to feel any worse Quinn but she has nightmares. Her finding you on the floor surrounded by your own blood, that's something that will haunt her forever."
Quinn didn't say anything just looked out of the window in silence full of guilt.
2:30 in the morning found Quinn sitting on the bathroom floor clutching a razor. Earlier before Rob got home and her mom and Britt were distracted in the kitchen she had snuck out and gotten the pack from the shed. She felt excited; she had missed the high and release from this so badly and now after so long she could make some new marks. She had not been lying when she told Santana that it was the only thing that made her happy, it's just later when the guilt and self hatred for not being normal seeps back in that she regrets it. But still she always goes back to it.
Pressing the blade down hard she slowly swiped it across her hip reuniting with her old friend, her only true friend. Pain. The next one was a fast swipe she found that if she pushed hard and then whipped her hand away, it went deeper and they were longer. She kept going and going until her newly healed hip was a mixture of gashes and blood, she cut so many times she lost count. When she was done she laid back and admiring her work and relishing in the pure bliss of the moment. After a little while she washed herself off and bandaged the area. After putting on her PJ bottoms and crawling into bed she fell asleep to a familiar and comforting sting.
GAH! It's been so long!
I swear I have a good reason though!
I hope you guys enjoy the new update.
Please REVIEW!
Secretly:
The Confused Ninja Elf.