I can't believe it. I'm shocked. No, stunned. I'm on the verge of a collapse, and I'm so furiously angry at Gabriella that I could march over to the school right now and punch her till she's unconscious and her skull is cracked and blood runs all over her body…but then I'd be taken to prison so that wouldn't be too smart.

How could they do this? HOW COULD THEY DO THIS?!?! When I resigned from Drama Club, I asked for my submitted script back! I specifically told Ms. Darbus that I didn't want them putting on my play. I don't understand how this could have happened. Unless…but Ryan couldn't have broken into my files and printed it out. He wouldn't do that. He loves me.

And then to go online to Gabriella's MySpace and see her new blog…they're performing it! THEY'RE PUTTING IT ON FOR THE SPRING MUSICALE!!!! I just don't understand why I'm not dead with shock and anger right now. I don't understand how I could possibly be sitting here, writing, when I feel like screaming, throwing something, punching something, anything…

I'm beyond appalled. Especially at Ryan, I don't think I'll ever trust anybody again. He loved Cassidy too, didn't he? I know he did- she was our little angel of a sister, and he's just GOT to miss her as much as I do. How could he not? I still remember him promising her that he'd give up his dream of acting and go into medical school. If he'd do that for her, how could he be acting like this now? It's not possible that he likes Gabriella as much as he loved Cassidy- is it? Yeah…I definitely remember that night when he promised her that he would find a cure for leukemia- he didn't want another life lost…but no, Cassidy said that she'd look down from heaven and be happy when she saw us singing, dancing, acting…and loving it. She wanted to see us doing what I loved, not doing what we felt burdened to do. And she had the saddest smile on her face when she told him that. And then he cried. And you told him to smile. Because she'd never be happy unless we were.

Maybe I shouldn't have given up drama club so impulsively. Cassidy would've wanted me there, and I'd do anything in the world for Cassidy. I really would. I would've died in her place, I would've taken her cancer. Too bad it's impossible.

Cassidy, you would've been furious just like me if you'd read Gabriella's blog. No, actually you wouldn't have. You never really got mad about anything, but I'll tell you what she wrote anyway. Let's see. Well, after a couple paragraphs of self-congratulations, she began ranting about the musicale and how shallow and bland your character was. She tore apart Kelsi's reputation with a couple sentences. Then she got really annoyed because you were blonde. Of course you were blonde. Blonde like an angel. And then she said that I was very vain. I hate her, Cassidy, everything about her.

She also lied about Ryan. She said he said that he hates Wicked and I love it, but that can't be true, we watch it all the time together. He loves it too, just as much, maybe even more than me. Ryan couldn't have been lying. I don't think he'd stoop that low- at least, I don't want to think he'd stoop that law.

Life is so sad right now. I think I'm becoming emo. I'm not going to start cutting though. It'll probably leave these ugly scars that when directors and casting people look like they'll think "Oh, let's not hire that person."

Oh wait. I'm not going to be an actress anymore. Can't let myself forget that. I'm just going to have to find a completely new path to follow, even though it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt like ripping a rose up by the roots from its pot and planting it outside in the sunshine.

It'll hurt, but in the end it'll be for the better. It has to be for the better.

Reading back over this entry, I just realized that I wrote half the stuff about Cassidy as if I were talking to her instead of about her. I do that subconsciously in my head so much that it just came out that way without me meaning to.

So I guess I'll list some things about Cassidy, even though I really don't feel like doing it. And even though I don't really need to do it. I'm not writing this for other people to read, like Gabriella does.

Let's see. Cassidy is our little sister. Or actually, was our little sister. She died three years ago at age nine. Ryan and I were fourteen. She had leukemia. She was a beautiful ballet dancer. She loved to sing and draw. After she died, my parents sort of abandoned Ryan and me. I suspect it's because they don't want to get hurt again. Because they were so hurt when Cassidy died. They're still hurting now- but what they don't realize is that by pulling away from their remaining children, they're hurting us too. Aren't parents supposed to understand? They're supposed to help achieve that happy ending in the fairy tales. Too bad reality's like it is.

So we wrote the play about what we thought Cassidy would be like if she lived. Which would explain why I'm so infuriated that Queen of Bitchiness is playing her.