Unhappily Ever After

"It's me," the Warden said, voice breaking. Despite everything, the years they'd spent apart from one another, the things she'd done and ordered done, a part of Leliana remained that optimistic, painfully naive girl and it was that girl, not Sister Nightingale who rose from her chair and ran across the room, eyes burning with tears.

They met in the centre of the room, mouths working against each other for long moments until she pulled back, shivering yet afire as well. "Kalli.." she murmured, unsure what else to say. The cold, ruthless part of her was possessed of a strong urge to slap the elf in the face, demand to know why she'd left her behind.

The younger, kinder part of her, the girl who loved ridiculous shoes and adorable nugs didn't care; that she was here at all was the main thing.

For her part, Kalli buried her face in the other woman's hair, breathed in the scent of her and murmured I love you I love you I love you over and over like a mantra. She wasn't sure when it happened but realised they were both crying on the other's shoulders and a random thought crossed her mind – if anybody sees us like this, we'll never live it down.

Evidently, Leliana felt the same way; she pulled away and with a visible effort, regained some measure of control. With control came the Nightingale who asked, "Why have you come?" What was left unsaid was after all this time.

"I missed you."

Leliana thought herself prepared for anything, for lies and deception; this honesty left her speechless. "I didn't realise what leaving Ferelden for Amaranthine all those years ago would do to us. I was a fool." she hissed and took Leliana's hands. The Nightingale allowed the elf to take them.

The younger Leliana, the incurable romantic almost swooned. "You came all this way for me?"

Kalli shook her head; if she started lying now, now that she'd finally found what she'd sought for so long, she'd lose her all over again. "This...Corypheus. He needs to die," she said and the venom in her voice surprised even her.

"I agree," the Nightingale answered. She paused, her face hardening. "That is why we cannot do this," she stepped back from the Warden, told herself not to see the pain in her eyes. "Not now. Not while the Inquisition has need of me."

Kalli's heart was breaking. "Lel..." She wiped tears from her eyes. Between them, they were crying enough to irrigate a small farm. "Honey. I love you. Don't push me away now, not after all this."

The Nightingale crossed her arms over her chest. "Why should I put my own desires ahead of the needs of the Inquisition? Tell me that. If we fail, all this," she spread her arms to encompass the room in which they stood and the entire world beyond, "All this is lost."

The Warden's body shook with suppressed sobs. This wasn't the way it was meant to be. She'd expected tears, had expected a slap in the face. At least one. She'd expected a tirade of curses in Orlesian. She hadn't expected this cold, calculating assessment of things.

"This isn't you," she whispered. "The Leliana I knew..."

"Is ten years gone," the Nightingale said coldly.

"Please," she heard herself say and hated herself for her weakness but was powerless to stop the words. She found herself sinking to her knees, hands held out in supplication. The irony of the godless Warden in an attitude of prayer was not lost upon her and she hated herself even more. Herself but not Leliana, never her. Because, part of her pointed out, she's right. Isn't she?

Voice shaking she went on, "What can I do?"

The Nightingale looked down at her. "Kill things. You always were good at it."

Then she turned away.

The first thing Harding did upon her return to Skyhold, after reporting to the Inquisitor was seek out the Warden. She needed to know what had gone on with Sister Nightingale.

Also, she was surpised by how much she missed the other woman's company. Her men were great, skilled, willing and able to do all she asked of them but...they were men. Sometimes she found herself needing to confide in a woman about certain things.

Oh, there were women in the Inquisiton like Cassanda but truth be told, Harding was a little terrified of the Seeker. Her temper was legendary. Sera was just...odd and she doubted Madam le Fer even knew she was alive. That left the Warden.

Harding found the Warden and the Iron Bull inside a circle composed of eager Inquisition troops, jostling each other for a view and calling out advice and encouragement. Harding forced her way to the front of the crowd and was greeted by the spectacle that was a shirtless Iron Bull duelling with the much smaller elven woman.

Kalli looked angry. Angrier than even Cassandra could get. Something had obviously gone awry and the Iron Bull was feeling the brunt of it. Despite his greater size and reach, the qunari was helpless in the face of the Warden's nimble footwork and rapid strikes. With every blow he deflected, he was herded closer and closer to the edge of the circle.

Kalli loosed a volley of curses in elvish, slashing at the Iron Bull all the while. You want me to kill things, Lel? Maybe I'll pick a fight I can't win and die with my guts strewn across the battlefield. See how you like me then.

The Iron Bull wasn't sure how much longer he could hold off the elf without having to resort to lethal force. It wasn't that he was squeamish about fighting a woman – he'd fought and killed many over the years but that was in proper, no holds barred, pure war where the only rule was kill them before they kill you.

Here, in a practice match with half the Inquisition looking on? He couldn't very well crush her trachea and claim it was accident. In the end, he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her around so his chest pressed hard against her back and wrapped his free arm around her throat, putting her into a chokehold.

"That's enough, damn it!" he growled in her ear as she kicked and struggled. Eventually she sagged, unconscious and he dumped her in the dirt. Sweeping the crowd with a hard-eyed gaze, he announced, "Show's over!"

As the crowd broke up, Harding ran to the Waren's side. "What happened?"

The Iron Bull shrugged. "She's been like this for days. I heard a rumour she met with Leliana." He looked down at where the Warden was now stirring. "I guess things didn't go well."

The Iron Bull began walking towards the tavern. After a few steps he stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Keep an eye on her, Harding. She'll get herself killed."

Harding went to one knee as Kalli came fully around, her face streaked with sweat and dust. "Oh honey," Harding murmured, much as her own mother might have. "What happened?"

The Warden stared past her. "Everything fell apart."

"Would you like to-" Talk about it would have been her next words. It was the sort of thing people said to one another, as if it would actually fix anything.

"No," Kalli cut her off, still looking into the distance. Her throat worked as she fought to supress more tears. "You know how I've spent my nights lately?"

Harding remained mute. It was safe to say the Inquisition hadn't trained her for this. Kalli went on. "I get drunk in yonder tavern, and stagger off with whomever is desperate enough to have me for the night."

"Oh honey," Harding said again, helpless in the face of this confession.

"Half the time, I don't even bother to learn their names or if I do, I don't remember them come morning." She turned her face to Harding. "I'm worse than a whore."

"You are not, don't say that."

Kalli shook her head. "At least a whore gets paid."

Harding got to her feet and pulled the elf up with her. "Listen to me," she said, standing on her toes so she was at eye level with the Warden. "Whatever happened between you and Sister Nightingale, you can't punish yourself for it."

"Why not?" Kalli replied, voice flat.

"I won't let you, for a start," Harding replied, voice firm. Already an idea was forming in her mind. The Warden needed some distance and perspective. More important, she needed to get out and away from Skyhold.

"You think you can stop me," Kalli said with a sad smile. "That's cute."

Harding sighed. "I won't insult you by saying I know how you feel or what you're going through."

"Why do you even care?" Kalli shot back.

"Maker and here I was thinking humans were obtuse. I care because I count you as a friend and I don't let my friends do this to themselves."

Kalli turned away. "Find a better class of friend," she said softly.

The Inquisitor looked up as a knock sounded on the closed door of his quarters off the main hall. Thank the Maker. He found himself in need of a distraction from the seemingly endless piles of readiness reports from Cullen and intelligence reports from Leliana.

"Come," he called and rose from his desk as Harding stepped in. The dwarf's gaze swept over the room before settling on his face and the Inquisitor felt oddly shamed at the obvious expense that had gone into his rooms when Harding herself likely slept on a hard bunk with the other troops.

"Hello, Your Worship."

Something was wrong. Harding could usually be replied upon to bring a smile and sunny disposition to even the bleakest of settings; she seemed despondent now.

"What is it, Harding?" he asked and pulled out a chair for her.

Harding sat. When Kalli found out about this, she'd likely go batshit but it had to be done. "It's about Warden Kalli, Your Worship."

The Herald wasn't so wrapped up in all the world-shaking events afoot not to have heard the rumours of the elven Warden's nightly adventures.

"What has she done?"

"Well...it isn't so much what she's done as what I'm afraid she's going to do."

The Inquisitor nodded. "Get pregnant?"

Harding fought an urge to smack the palm of her hand into her forehead. Maker, he was perhaps the stupidest human she'd ever met.

"I'm worried she'll get herself killed. You've heard about her and Leliana?"

"Some."

"It isn't my place to go into details but Kalli, the Warden I mean, isn't handling it well. I want to take her on a scouting run next time we head out, clear her head a bit."

After a moment, when the Inquisitor hadn't replied, she added. "I thought if the suggestion came from you?"

The Inquisitor assured Harding he would speak to the Warden and she nodded, relieved.

"I should get back to my duties, then. Thank you, Your Worship."

Unseen except when he chose not to be, Cole flitted around Skyhold, filling himself with feelings – hope, joy, love. He smiled. He flicked in and out of the physical realm and a torrent of pain rolled across him.

Angst, pain, rage, love-loss-desire-yearning, self-hatred, self-pity.

Cole staggered under the onslaught, one hand going to his head. With a low moan, he looked up. An elf sat alone in one corner of the courtyard, legs drawn up to her body, her arms wrapped around her knees as though to stop herself flying apart.

A curtain of hair black as a night fell across one half of her face. The visible side was wracked with emotions. Cole walked slowly towards her, wanting to help her, needing to help her. It was what he was for.

He stopped at the elf's feet and she looked up, startled.

"Who are you?" she asked, voice hoarse from crying.

"I am me, but less than I was."

The elf muttered a curse. "Why do I always get the crazy ones?" she said, half under her breath.

Cole squatted beside her. "It isn't your fault," he said gently. "You want it to be so you can hate yourself but it isn't your fault."

"You know nothing," she hissed back at him.

"When you left, it was to help people, to make the darkspawn stop hurting people. She understood that."

"No," she replied, shaking her head in negation. Her hair flew around her face. "I should have stayed with her."

"No," Cole countered. "She would have made the same choices anyway." He paused as she looked up at him, feeling her pain more acutely than ever. "I can help you," he spoke quietly and he felt hope flicker up in her. He nodded as though in reply to something unsaid. "Let me help you."

The elf swallowed, cords in her neck shifting and nodded. "Yes." A tear slipped from one large green eye. "Please."

Kalli felt better than she had in days; it felt as though she'd stepped from some dark, soulless place and back into the sunlight. She had a vague recollection of a conversation with an odd young man with straw blonde hair and a giant hat but couldn't tell if the memory was real or the result of an alcohol-fuelled dream. I need to stop drinking she decided.

She stood and stretched, relishing the movement of her limbs, the feel of the sunlight on her face. It really was a beautiful day, she realised and smiled up at the sky. She still missed Leliana, of course but thinking of her no longer made her want to weep or scream or punish herself.

Instead, she felt at peace and accepted that Leliana's choices were her own, always had been and she had to walk her own path.

"I'll always love you, though," she said softly. "And if you ever need somebody to share your path, I'll be there."