Through Your Eyes
By: Stealiana

Perhaps moments before dawn, I awoke, feeling rather irritable and stiff. The smallest movement would have jeopardized the precarious balance my sleeping figure had established, and so now my muscles ached. No way in hell I was going to do that again, no matter the circumstances.

I had no desire to wait for my wife to awaken, so I moved quietly into the room to raid for fresh clothing. In the darkness I was able to fumble through my belongings until I came across the articles I would need to complete my uniform. The faint grey light was increasing in intensity as I crept about the small room, and before I had finished my preparations, the sun had begun to rise.

As I turned to leave the room, my eyes fell upon her, despite all efforts to avoid looking at her curled form under the sheets. But now, my curiosity was piqued, and I drifted toward her sleeping figure. Crouching quietly before her, my fingers gently glided across her face to brush away the stray hair that had fallen. Her cheeks were streaked with makeup and dried tears so she looked haggard and forlorn. But even so, there was a graceful beauty about the mere shape of her face that overcame the leftover cosmetics that caked her skin. But she had stirred at my faint touch and I hastily moved away, unwilling to have her fear rekindled by waking to see me standing over her. I silently gathered my things and made my way to another room, my heartbeat violently trying to tear its way through my skin, as I stifled a shiver from the early morning chill.

Before I departed from my home entirely, I looked at her sleeping form one last time. The strengthening light cascaded across the floor, shrinking the shadows and casting a warm glow about her. My eyes averted before my desire reawakened - I had a full days work ahead of me, and I did not need to be distracted.

There was one small matter that required my attention. I made my way to the kitchen, and gently lay down an envelope where I thought she would find it relatively quickly. The money inside was that her father had given me to seal the arrangement of the marriage. I did not feel as though he had needed to sell her to me, however, so I determined it would be best if she spent the money to improve our new home however she saw fit. Our new home. Such a strange phrase. Well, perhaps I will grow accustomed to it.

My arrival to headquarters so early caused a very soft murmur to run through some of those present. The thoughts that were running through their minds were quite obvious - they assumed something had gone wrong for me to be back the day after my marriage. Several well-placed glares kept the speculation to a minimum, and I made my way to the back room to meet with the other unit leaders.

Kondou looked rather surprised to see me, but he said nothing. The briefing began as soon as I entered the room - not because they had been waiting for me, but because Kondou apparently wished to avoid any mention of my situation.

I, however, did not really care what their beliefs about my domestic circumstances were, and so when I heard of the importance of the mission about to be carried out, I was quick to volunteer. This drew another surprised glance from my superior.

"Are you sure you wish to do this?" He asked, looking a bit disturbed. "The distance to be traveled will keep you away from home for at least a day and a half-"

"I realize that, sir." I replied quietly. "But please allow me to make myself useful in such an important assignment." There was an air of irritation fairly seeping out of my leader - I knew the matches made for Shinsengumi members were done purely for political purposes. However, he did not have to fear for a breach between them - at the moment, there was nothing to be concerned about.

He allowed me to go on the mission only after that small hesitation, although a critical task, I have close to no recollection of the events that occurred. Oddly, the only moment that stands out of the forty hours or so I was gone from my home was an uncharacteristic moment of rage I displayed to one of my comrades subordinates.
I had merely been walking amongst the men as we stealthily made our way to our destination using wooded back roads untraveled by the public when I heard it. A low whisper insinuating that one member of our team had heard, from a reliable source, that the reason I was not at home after my marriage was due to a failure on the part of my new bride. The man began to describe the supposed nature of my situation with more detail, but was cut short when he realized I was watching him intently. Smiling calmly at him, I quietly informed him that if he were to propagate such rumors and insult my wife in such a manner, I would be more than willing to hang him by his entrails from the nearest tree. My graphic depiction of his fate should he choose to cross me silenced him, and I resumed my forward motion, incensed, but unwilling to start a scuffle before an important mission - my energies would be best directed elsewhere.

I vaguely remember the mission being a success, much to the relief of all save myself. I had no particular feelings about it, as my mind was unduly employed with other matters. Clean-up was left to a local extension of a policing group, and we were allowed to return home immediately. Traveling by the back roads in our blood-stained uniforms was tiresome, but we had no choice in the matter. We did not wish to remain, exposed in unknown territory, where the enemy could find us after hearing about the incident of the night before. We traveled quickly and made it back late that afternoon.

I had avoided the main city streets, as my soiled uniform would cause an excessive amount of attention to be drawn to me. I could have gone with the rest of the men to change into civilian clothes before roaming the streets to head homeward, but I was too close to my destination to prolong the separation any further than necessary. I slipped through the gate to my home and quietly made my way up the steps and opened the door.

I could hear her moving about inside, but did not feel compelled to summon her with a greeting. Instead, I was struck with the sudden urge to remove the filthy clothes from my body, reeking of the wretched stench accompanied by blood. My katana hit the floor with a dull thud, and I began to work at removing my uniform when I felt her presence and heard her slid open the door on the wall across from where I stood.

The look on her face made me wonder if all the blood had been drained from her body in my absence. She was pale and her eyes were wide, apparently shocked by the sight of me covered in caked blood and dirt from traveling. Her gaping mouth and unwavering stare made me uncomfortable, as if she was looking right through me, and I felt the roots of disapproval beginning to take hold. Unable to look at her directly, I occupied myself entirely with carefully sliding off my soiled uniform and tossing it to the ground. Her eyes followed it, and I straightened the clothes I had worn underneath. Her silence and stillness made me feel compelled to move as if to compensate, and I unconsciously reached for my cigarettes, contemplating whether I wanted to smoke one or not. "W-would you like me to draw a bath?" She at last managed.

"Mm." I nodded, contemplating my cigarettes still. Confusion set in; I did not understand why she made me so uncomfortable. Perhaps a smoke was all I needed.

"Do those need washing?" The question struck me as particularly stupid and I felt myself growing angry. What was it about her that made me think she was different from the rest of her sex? That question alone irritated me enough to turn my back on her, pull out a cigarette, and inform her of her egregious lack of intelligence.

"Ahou. I don't like the smell of blood." At first, I was content to leave my insult just at that as I made my way back outside; as I pulled a match out to light my tobacco, another thought occurred to me. "Just as you don't like the smell of my cigarettes."

Her stillness was audible as I calmly smoked outside, content to be home and content to have a cigarette between my fingers. At last she began to move carefully, and said nothing to me for the remainder of the evening, as she dutifully drew a bath and cooked my dinner. Unfortunately, the silence gave me an unnecessarily long time to contemplate whether I had been too harsh on her; not one to second guess my decisions, I did not relish the feeling of guilt that somehow managed to creep into my mind.

I contemplated a great deal while I smoked a second cigarette after dinner what to say to her as a peace offering. The expression on her face when she had seen me earlier that day was a clear indication that she feared me and what I represented as a member of the Shinsengumi - the violence, death, and even destruction that was a facet of our everyday lives. Practicality is one of my favorite traits, and it was obvious to me that it would not do to have her angry at me for any extended period of time or I would never succeed in getting what I wanted. So when I heard her approaching, I did not turn to face her, but merely issued a gentle command.

"Go to sleep, Tokio." Her hushed response delicately teased my hearing, tempting me to turn and face her. But I did not, knowing I would not be able to resist trying again if I looked upon her face, eyes lidded with the desire to sleep, and her expression no doubt vulnerable and open due to her inability to guard herself in her exhaustion.
I let her retire to our room, and savored the remains of my cigarette before stubbing out the glowing end in the dirt with my foot. I re-entered the house and made my way quietly to where she slept, using every skill in my power to attempt not to wake her. As I lowered myself to a separate futon, I could not prevent myself from looking at her once. Unlike the first night, there were no dried tears and no crease of her brow. She looked tranquil and satisfied, her sleep untroubled and her breath slow and steady. I watched her slumber until her own serenity caused my lids to close with a desire to achieve the same level of rest.

Like usual, however, my sleep was short and unfulfilling.

I awoke to the sound of the pattering of raindrops in a dark sky. My senses were alert at the sound, and I knew I would not be able to sleep again now that I had awoken. It was nearing what would be a veiled sunrise and I roused myself, stretching my limbs and peering through the darkness at my still peaceful wife.

With great care I rolled the futon, a clear signal to her that I had occupied the room alongside her that night. She would have to become accustomed to that eventually.

The incessant sound of rain was depressing - I did not particularly enjoy wandering about the streets of Kyoto in the rain when the mud was at its worst, which mean I would be confined to the house today. I did not feel comfortable with a female presence constantly near - I was used to my solitude. The stack of paperwork I had to go through was not enticing either. Wasting not another moment, I drew out my pack of cigarettes, only to realize my supply was dwindling fast. Well, shit. From the way things have started out today, I think I will need every last one.