A/N: In Hamlet, there is a part here where Claudius (Bowser) reveals in an aside that he feels guilty about some dirty deed he committed. We'll hear more about that later, and the context for the confession never made sense to me, so I just cut the whole thing out. I also changed up the exchange between Luigi and Daisy so it works with the story.
Act III. Scene i.
"So what've you guys found out?" grunted Bowser as he and Peach entered the hall. Lemmy and Iggy jumped up from their seats on the steps leading up to the throne to address their father and his wife. Wario, however, remained seated, and barely looked up from the enormous submarine sandwich he was devouring. Daisy sat a little ways off, the sound of Wario's ravenous hunger turning her stomach, and making her regret the eggs she ate for breakfast.
"Luigi says he's unhappy," reported Iggy.
"But he doesn't know why," continued Lemmy.
Bowser snorted. "I'll bet he doesn't know why."
"Why?" asked Peach.
"I dunno, it seems too convenient…" Bowser frowned. "He doesn't want to tell them what's up, so he told them he can't remember. Sneaky weasel…"
Peach turned away from her suspicious husband. "How did Luigi receive you? Was he rude, or upset?"
The Koopalings shook their heads. Lemmy spoke first. "He was polite-"
"-But it seemed a bit forced," admitted Iggy.
"He answered all our questions."
"But he was no chatterbox."
"Did you try to cheer him up?" asked Peach, concern in her voice.
"We told him about Yoshi's visit," said Iggy.
"And he was really excited about that," nodded Lemmy.
"He stuck his nose into their plans for tonight's presentation and everything."
"He wants you guys to attend."
Wario gave a great belch. "It's true. He hunted me down last night and told me to tell you two to come too."
"Huh?" Bowser scrunched his nose at all the "to" sounds, but Peach paid them no mind.
"That's great news! Oh, I can't wait!" she said, clapping her hands together in joy.
Seeing his wife so happy, Bowser also smiled. "You two go find Luigi, and make sure he's on his way here. Once we're done with him, keep him busy with the preparations. A busy plumber's a happy plumber… I think." He looked at Wario for guidance on the matter.
"Why does everyone think I'm a God-Damned plumber?" he growled. "How should I know what makes the guy happy?"
Bowser shrugged, and watched Lemmy and Iggy wander off. He turned to Peach with a sigh. "You better go too, my sweet treat. Wario has our little spy-session planned, and Luigi'll be along any minute. I don't look forward to hiding out in the curtains all morning with Wario, and I'd hate to subject you to such torture as well."
"Fine, fine. If it'll make you happy, I'll go, Bowser." Peach turned to Daisy. "I hope that it is lovesickness that has our dear Luigi befuddled. If that is the case, I'm sure your virtues will bring him around. And then we can put all this behind us."
Daisy continued staring at the far wall. But to show she heard her ex-friend's words, she raised her hand, and flipped Peach the bird.
Peach put a gloved hand to her lips, shocked and saddened by the gesture. Bowser's face turned red with rage, but she hastened to quell his anger. "Find out what's wrong with Luigi," she said, before giving him a tender kiss on the nose.
As Peach turned to leave, Wario got to his feet with a horrible grunting moan. "Right, onto business. Daisy, you walk around here, reading this book."
Daisy looked at the volume Wario held in his hand: The Act of Life. "I'm gonna sit here," she sneered. "And not read the book."
"Why you little-" Wario suddenly looked up from Daisy, as the front doors were opening. "Quick! We've gotta hide!" Bowser followed Wario as he dashed behind the nearest curtain. Daisy smirked, not only was the curtain bulging far out from the wall, and rustling which each breath Wario took, but both his and Bowser's feet were clearly visible beneath the trimming. And Bowser's tail poked out the side.
Meanwhile, Luigi had entered the room, and with a flourish, he began his speech. "To be or not to be: that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing, end them?" Daisy looked 'round to watch her one-time lover converse with the air, acting as if she were not there. "To die, to sleep; to sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub." Luigi frowned, his face lined with fear. "What awaits us after death? That undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveler returns – what then? What now?" Luigi thought of the Underwhere, and of Mario. He knew what came in death, but he still found himself questioning his own memories. "Conscience does make cowards of us all. We'll struggle in life to avoid what struggles we may encounter in death. It's funny, really…"
All that time Luigi had meandered his way across the throne room, and only when he found himself face-to-face with a bewildered Daisy did he acknowledge her presence. "Oh! I didn't see you there, Daisy!"
She frowned. She was a pretty big thing to miss.
"Be all my sins remembered," said Luigi, smiling faintly as the ex-princess got to her feet.
"So anyway," she started, "Wario's making me give back all the stuff you've given me over the years… At least, the stuff he hasn't already pawned off." She pulled out a small box from her dress. Inside was a broken mirror, an empty jar of nail polish, a couple pressed flowers and some other odds-and-ends Wario hadn't been able to sell. To him they were worthless, but they held sentimental value for Daisy, and she was glad he hadn't just dumped them in the garbage.
Luigi looked at the contents of the box, but shook his head. "I never gave you anything."
"You know right well you did," scowled Daisy.
"Ha, ha!" exclaimed Luigi, making Daisy jump in surprise. "Are you honest?"
"Huh?"
"Are you fair?"
"What?" Daisy was confused.
"Beauty turns honest men into scoundrels much faster than honesty would turn a slut into a lady," said Luigi. "I did love you once."
Daisy shook her head, "what does this have to do with anything?"
"Nothing. For I loved you not!" spat Luigi suddenly.
"If you say-so," Daisy rolled her eyes, burying her broken heart in sarcasm.
"Get thee to a nunnery!" ordered Luigi. "Do you know how much shit I'm in? You're better of without me, without any man. We are arrant knaves, all. Where's Wario?"
Daisy was taken aback by the question. "Where did that come from?"
"You better hope he's locked away somewhere!"
"Oh, I do," smirked Daisy. "What has gotten into you, Luigi?" she sighed. She hated seeing him like this.
"Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow."
"Already done," once again, Daisy rolled her eyes.
"To a nunnery go, and quickly!"
"I would if I could…"
"We will have no more marriages!"
"Amen to that."
"Those that are married already, all but one, shall live," Luigi had reached the side-door now. He looked back at Daisy one final time. "To a nunnery, go!"
Luigi slammed the door closed behind him, and Daisy turned away, the box of empty trinkets still in her hands. "O, woe is me. If only this hadn't happened to him – to me. I hope the Stars will save him-"
"Bravo! Bravo!" clapped Wario, stepping out from behind the curtain. "Great performance!"
Daisy looked away in disgust. Her insides burned with shame knowing she had been part of a ploy; she only hoped Wario and Bowser hadn't learned anything from Luigi's random spouting.
But she was out of luck. "He didn't sound love-sick," said Bowser, sliding out from under the curtain. "And if that is the way he treats all his girlfriends it's no wonder he's alone!" Bowser grinned at his joke, but soon turned somber. "There's something bothering Luigi, and whatever it is, I'm sure when it surfaces it will not bode well for me…" He thought for a moment, and suddenly had an idea, "I know! I'll send him to Donkey Kong Island! Everyone already thinks he's crazy, and there tonnes of Grade-A asylums in Brooklyn, or Big Ape City, or whatever it's called… Hmmm, what do you think its proper name is, Wario?"
"I still think Luigi's after my wife," growled the human.
Daisy huffed and stormed off, exiting through the door opposite the one Luigi had taken.
Wario shrugged. "We should get Peach to talk to Luigi after the play – you'd hate to send him away before knowing the whole story about him, right?"
"Not really," said Bowser. "I don't care what's up with him, I just don't want it to explode in my face."
"I'm sure Peach wants to know the whole story too. She can ask him straight-up what's wrong, and I'll be there, hiding behind the curtains, and hear it all!"
"You and your curtains!" said Bowser exasperatedly. "You don't need to spy on Peach, she's on our side, remember? She'll tell us what's on Luigi's mind."
"Yeah, well I prefer to hear everything straight from the Yoshi's mouth," said Wario, crossing his arms.
Bowser shook his head. "You're such a pain! But you're right: Peach deserves the chance to talk to Luigi before I send him away…"
"Ya see? No worries! Wa ha ha!"
Bowser merely frowned. He had a bad feeling about all this.