I just want to start out by saying thank you to everyone for your reviews, favourites and follows so far! It's so amazing to see that people actually like my story!

Regarding the plot in these chapters, I will just warn you that I am pulling most of the hospital-related stuff out of my ass, even though my mother is a nurse and I personally aspire to become a doctor… I just didn't feel like asking about and/or googling lots of random stuff. If something is horribly wrong then please do tell me and I will change it asap.

So I have had a 'guest-beta' for this chapter along with Morcuen, because I want two peoples opinions on some of the upcoming chapters along with this one. Things are getting serious in the story, and it is getting harder to write the story well.

Proofread by: Morcuen & Kenedy

Word count: 5167

Chapter 7: Rain Becomes a Lullaby

Light was right between the world of dreams and consciousness, at that moment right before one wakes up without any sense of the passing of time and the space around oneself. He listened as tentative raindrops began falling from the sky, hitting the outside of the window. The sound reached him in a way that made it sound as if the window was miles away from him, at the end of a narrow corridor. As if the noise echoed against the walls, bouncing off the surface as it travelled towards him.

Drip… Drop… Drip-drop…

He was wrapped in what felt like cotton, and it was hugging him from every angle with equal pressure, making it feel as if he was suspended mid-air, his body light as a feather. Through thoughts that weren't really thoughts, but disconnected ideas and feelings, he contemplated his current situation. He'd never have believed it was a very comfortable state to be in until that moment, yet, to his surprise, he didn't want to leave. Had he told himself that he would be lingering right on the edge of wakefulness before right then, then perhaps he's been scared of it, thinking that he'd have no control of himself, but somehow, even though he did have no control at that moment, it felt like a relief to him.

Drip-drop. Drip-drop…

Yet, the moment you realised that you were in this state, it would already be too late. The increasingly persistent sound of the water droplets hitting the window was slowly pulling him away from his comfortable state of just being. Of not having to worry about anything or anyone.

No… He was already feeling sorry for the loss, despite not having left that safe haven completely yet. The moment he woke up, he knew reality would impose on his current feeling of calm, forcing him to think. Think about what was going to be his next step in his own great scheme, which he himself had managed to fuck up because of his own hesitancy.

Drip, drop. Drip, drop.

Just like a clock, like time itself. Ticking away… He thought sardonically as the remnants of sleep was finally pushed away.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

As Light lay there, he became acutely aware of the noise in the hall outside his room. He could hear the nurses talk in loud voices as they rushed about. Just as he came to the conclusion that that had to mean that he had slept until the next day, and that it wasn't night time anymore, the door to his room was pushed open. In the doorway stood the same nurse that had changed his bandages last night. Additionally a male nurse whom he hadn't seen before. Both were carrying trays of food, on which Light assumed was his and Claire's breakfasts.

"Good morning Yagami-san, the doctors says that you can attempt eating soft foods today, and if you manage that without problem we can remove the needle which is currently supplying you with nutrition intravenously." The nurse said happily.

Light made an effort not to groan as he pulled himself into a sitting position in his bed, despite the pain that shot mercilessly through his throat at the motion.

"That sounds good." Light said when he was finally sitting upright, his voice softer than it usually was in an attempt to avoid croaking when he spoke. It was only partially successful, and he cursed himself inwardly at the display of weakness.

The nurse smiled in response and placed the tray in his lap. Light eyed the food sceptically, seriously doubting whether he'd be able to eat it without inflicting tremendous amounts of pain upon himself. On his tray, there was a pudding, a yoghurt, something he couldn't quite identify but it looked utterly disgusting, a nutrition drink and a glass of water.

"Have I been given more morphine while I slept?" Light asked, partly out of curiosity, partly to push the moment he had to attempt eating anything a few seconds further into the future.

"Yes, you looked like you were in pain while you slept so… hehe." The nurse replied ruefully, looking like a kid caught doing something wrong. Light scoffed, but decided against answering.

"Do you need any help?" The nurse asked when she saw that Light didn't move to eat his food.

"No, I'm just trying to figure out what will hurt the least to eat." He said honestly. For some reason the nurse took this statement as a joke because she actually began laughing at his worsd. Her laugh was very high pitched. It grated at his ears, and Light had to suppress the urge to tell her to shut up.

"If you want something salty that one is actually spaghetti with pasta sauce, as you can tell it's been through the smoothie blender." She said, pointing at the unidentifiable goo.

Light wrinkled his nose and decided to make an attempt at eating the yoghurt. He wasn't really feeling adventurous, and the pudding would be too sweet for breakfast. He opened the yoghurt clumsily, his fingers weaker than he had expected them to be. After the task was done, he took the spoon that had also been on the tray, scooped up a spoonful of yoghurt, and lifted it into his mouth.

Despite Light's assumptions about how horrible eating would be, it wasn't really all that bad. It did hurt, of course, but the feeling of the cool yoghurt sliding down his oesophagus felt strangely soothing to his throbbing throat. Seeing that Light continued to eat the yoghurt without expressing great amounts of pain the nurse let out a relieved sigh before she began talking again. Light was already growing tired of the talkative woman; she reminded him an awful lot of Misa.

"I recommend you drink the nutrition drink as well, they contain all of the nutrition you could expect to get from a single meal, it is a great alternative. We give it to most of our patients, not just those who struggle eating. Oh! And here are your pills." She said, pointing to a small paper cup that contained what he assumed was the same mixture of pills that he had been given the evening before.

"Yeah, sure." Light muttered through his spoonfuls of yoghurt. After he'd begun eating it he had realised how hungry he really was.

Despite getting intravenous nutrition my stomach hasn't been filled up since… how long have I been here anyway? Light thought with a frown.

"How long have I been here?" Light asked the nurse, instantly regretting his decision. Her face darkened with worry the moment the words left his mouth, clearly thinking that his question was another sign of his mental unstableness. The evening before she'd been shocked when she found out that her patient could be delusional, because she normally didn't treat severely mentally ill patients. They belonged in a different ward. The moment she had learnt of Light's circumstances, she'd doubted whether it was correct to have him in her ward. The evening before her doubt had deepened further, and soon turned into worry; they didn't have equipment intended for dealing with mental patients. Light had acted so normal after that however, that her anxiousness had been soothed greatly, however she still felt on edge, and was ready to have Light moved the moment she thought it would be save to keep him with another patient anymore.

"I've been sleeping most of the time since I arrived, or at least I think I have, therefore it's been impossible to keep track of the passing of time." Light quickly amended, hoping that the nurse would take it for what it was.

"Oh. That makes sense." She said, and nodded sagely, clearly reassuring herself – of what Light didn't know. "You were brought in late in the morning two days ago."

Light nodded in response. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but two days wasn't awfully long.

"Claire? Claire what is wrong!" The male nurse suddenly yelled from the other side of the room, drawing the attention of Light and his nurse towards the other two occupants in the room. Claire was clearly struggling to catch her breath. She was clutching her chest tightly as she descended into a couching fit. The display was reminding Light of his own choking experience two days prior. Within seconds, his hunger was replaced by an uncomfortable churning in his stomach, as if he was going to throw up.

Light's nurse rushed over to the other end of the room after having pressed the button that alerted the others, informing them that there was an emergency going on. Meanwhile the male nurse was reading off the numbers on the display next to Claire's bed.

"Her blood pressure is sinking rapidly!" The male nurse said in a rather loud voice, probably to make sure he was heard over Claire. "Don't lay back down." He said in a calmer voice, this time directed at Claire, who nodded feebly through her coughing.

"Godammit!" Cursed the blonde nurse who'd been attending to Light. She was already preparing Claire's bed to be rolled out of the room as a bunch of people, presumably doctors and nurses, burst into the room.

"Blood pressure is sinking rapidly and she is struggling majorly to breathe properly." The male nurse informed the newly arrivals.

"Internal bleeding then, we have to cut her open stat." One doctor said, immediately taking the lead, and pulling the bed out from the wall.

"Her breathing issues?" The male nurse who'd originally been attending to Claire said questioningly.

Breathing issues? That's one way of putting it… Light thought with a scoff as he observed the herd of doctors and nurses pushing Claire's bed towards the door of the tiny hospital room, while making poor attempts at soothing her through her struggles. The doctor who was taking the lead exploited the lack of movement as the nurses opened the door so that they all could get through, to press his stethoscope to Claire's back. Light assumed he was listening to her lungs or something like that. His suspicions were confirmed as the doctor finally answered the nurse's query.

"There are gurgling sounds in her lungs, it is highly probable that fluids are accumulating there. Perhaps some of the bleeding is leaking into her respiratory system? No matter what the cause we have to drain her lungs while we operate." The doctor said, earning shocked looks form the others. This was clearly not common practice, Light noted warily.

"That is too risky!" One of the other new arrivals exclaimed.

"It is our only choice. If we don't operate her immediately she'll die from blood loss, and if we don't drain her lungs she'll drown in her own bodily fluids." The doctor said pointedly, and then he began pulling Claire's bed out the door. The others rushed to help, and soon Light was left alone in a rather eerie silence.

Light distantly noted that it was the only time he was likely to be alone, and decided to get rid of the pills while he could. He fished the ones he had hidden in his sleeve the night before out of their hiding spot and grabbed the ones he'd been brought that day before he got carefully out of bed. As Light stood from the bed, he realised – to his great horror – that he actually had a urine bag attached to his leg. He stared at the offensive object for a long moment before he decided that he would remove it in the bathroom. There the risk of being walked in on wasn't as prominent.

He grabbed the IV pole with the bags that contained morphine and liquid nutrition was hanging, and began walking slowly towards the door next to the exit of the room, which he assumed was the bathroom. When Light pulled the door open, he was relieved to find that he had been correct in his assumption.

The first thing he did was walk straight over to the toilet, into which he threw all the pills before he flushed. After the pills were safely disposed of, the real challenge arose; removing the catheter.

Light pulled up his hospital gown and looked stonily at the tip of his penis where the catheter disappeared up his urine tract. He reached down and pulled tentatively at the catheter. The careful tugging didn't hurt in the slightest. This gave Light courage, so he decided to pull out the catheter in one go. He gave the thing a firm tug and immediately regretted it.

As the thing was torn out of him his lower region was assaulted by a completely unexpected and excruciating pain. A loud yell forced itself out of his mouth as he fell backwards against the wall.

Light closed his eyes and allowed himself to slide against the wall and down to the floor, fighting the urge to throw up what little he had managed to eat for breakfast. When the pain had mostly subsided, Light opened his eyes to look at the catheter, wondering what had caused its extraction to be so torturous.

How could I be so stupid. Of course there would be something securing it in place… Light mentally berated himself when his gaze found the item laying innocently on the floor, barely a meter in front of him. At the very tip of the catheter – the part that had been inside him – there was a small balloon-like thing. It was clearly there to make sure that the catheter wouldn't slide out of the patients urine bladder as they moved around.

Just as Light managed to pull himself to his feet, someone knocked carefully on the door. There weren't any locks on the door, so even if Light had wanted to lock the door he hadn't been able to, therefore he was surprised that whoever was standing on the other side even bothered knocking.

"Yes?" Light called out, not feeling up to letting the other person in on his own.

"May I enter?" A girly voice asked. Light recognised it as the voice belonging to the same blonde nurse who'd brought him food and changed his bandages.

"Yes." Light said while he stared down at his feet. He was bracing himself for the reaction he knew was going to come the moment she entered and saw that he had removed the cursed catheter by himself.

The door was slowly pushed open, and the nurse walked carefully in before she stopped dead in her tracks. To her credit she didn't gasp or make any exclamations, she just stood there, completely still for a few moments.

"I didn't think removing it on my own was that bad, until I felt the pain and saw the balloon like thing on the end." Light said quietly as explanation for his current predicament, still keeping his gaze fixed on his own feet.

"Are you feeling alright?" She asked, completely calm; almost infuriatingly so.

"Yes, the pain has subsided." Light said with a slight shrug.

"That is good, do you think you will be able to continue going to the toilet on your own?" She asked.

"Yes, I refuse to have another one of those... in me again." Light said finally looking up from his feet and meeting her gaze. He wanted to make it clear that he would not cooperate if they attempted to insert another catheter into him.

"That is fine then. Do you want help getting cleaned up?" She asked, still standing in the same spot on the floor.

"I didn't soil myself." Light said, a trace of indignation in his voice as he spoke. The nurse raised an eyebrow in question at this but seemed not to want to argue.

"Well then you should get back in bed, you need rest to allow your wounds to heal, and I'll clean up the mess, sound fair?" She said.

"Sure, I'll finish the nutrition drink then." Light said before he began walking shakily out of the bathroom and back to his bed.

"Good. I'll get cleaning supplies, I'll only be gone for a minute. Call me if you need anything." She said when Light was safely situated in his bed again. "Oh, and my name is Sophie." She added, almost as an afterthought as she walked out of the hospital room.

"Yeah, whatever." Light said his gaze fixed on the empty bed on the other side of the room. When he was in the bathroom, he'd been too distracted to really think about it, but now that he was back in his bed and all alone in the room again the situation started to sink in. Claire, the kind and pretty woman who had told him that she would soon be out of the hospital was suddenly on the verge of death. He was surprised to find that the entire situation actually had an impact on him, in what way he wasn't quite certain yet.

I judge people so easily, taking their lives away as easily as I breathe, so why should the death of one human being matter? Light thought as he absently sipped on the nutrition drink he'd been served. It wasn't particularly tasty, but at least it didn't taste as bad as it smelled. The drink was supposed to taste and smell like chocolate milk, which it definitely didn't. The smell was what he imagined liquefied dogfood would smell like; it was extremely nauseating. As long as he made an effort not to breathe as he drank it however, it merely tasted like ground fibre of some sort, not all that much on other words. He didn't really want to drink the drink at all, but he wasn't feeling up to having Sophie on his case because he didn't finish it. The prospect of having one of his IV's removed was also a motivational boost for him.

He had only had one conversation with Claire, and he didn't feel as if he'd really connected with her, yet he felt sympathetic towards her. Watching her struggle had brought the memories of the sensations of being strangled back to the front of his mind. Light absently lifted his free hand to feel the bandages around his neck. From the moment the nurse had told him what really had happened that day, his memory of the event had slowly started warping until he could clearly picture what had truly happened. The image of his reflection strangling him was still there, but when he had supposedly clawed at its hands he had really clawed at his own throat, and the blood that had been dripping from their hands was his own, and only his own, because he knew now that there hadn't been anyone else there. He'd been completely alone.

I am Kira, I control life and death, yet people still die without me interfering. What is the point in being a God if I can't save those who deserve it? And what about all those people who didn't deserve to die? I killed dozens of people just because they were in my way… Raye Penber… Naomi Misora… And L. I know I can't kill him, I just can't. Losing him; ending this game; the boredom alone would kill me, let alone the loss of him. Yet I have to go on, there is no way out for me; if I give up on being Kira then Ryuk will kill me.

My achievements in school and at home mean nothing in real life. Without Kira and L then I am nothing. I'd perhaps find a normal job somewhere, probably with the NPA, and then I'd live my life like that. Surely I'd excel at whatever I chose to do, and advance at an astounding pace until I reached the very top and then- what? What would I do then? Then I'd be stuck. Doing the same thing over and over. Even if I manage to give up being Kira without Ryuk killing me, there will be nothing for me. I'd die after a few years of being stuck in the same pattern; same habits. And to give up being Kira I would have to give up my memories. How much would I remember then? Would L still matter to me? Would L leave the entire taskforce behind the moment he realised that Kira was gone? Would he leave… me? Light clenched the bottle containing his nutrition drink.

At least L would never be able to figure the case out… He'd just think I was set up from the beginning. He'd never know how thoroughly he defeated me… Light thought bitterly. He hadn't been able to really think for a week, constantly plagued by the strange voice in his mind, which he was becoming more and more certain had been his own all along. Now he wasn't so sure he wanted the freedom to think on his own anymore; because any thought he was able to conjure up hurt.

He had realised why it hurt so much every time he had to remind himself how little L cared for him. He suspected that he'd known it since the day he got his memories back, he'd just refused to admit it; to adamant on clinging to his role as Kira; as the god and saviour of the world.

He knew he was pathetic. Just like the voice in his head had told him; just like he'd told himself.

And now there was the shame as well. L, at least, would think that he'd tried to kill himself, along with all the doctors and nurses who partook in his surgery and aftercare. He suspected the taskforce would know as well. And his family. And then he'd never be left alone again. He'd be forced to endure hours upon hours with some psychiatrist who was supposed to understand him, and make him better. He'd be put on pills, probably stronger ones than what they were trying to give him already, because no one could ever understand him. And if he ever opened his mouth about being Kira, then that would be it. He'd be executed.

Wonder who'll get me first…? Ryuk or L? Light thought sardonically, a raw, harsh laugh tearing itself from his throat. It sounded more like barking than anything else to Light, but he didn't care. Sophie hadn't heard him either. Or perhaps she just didn't care. It was her job to at least pretend to care, but that didn't mean she had to really mean it. It didn't matter either way. It didn't make any difference to Light if some random nurse cared about his well being or not. There was only one person whose opinion he cared about, and that person didn't care about him at all.

L knew about Light's self-harm; Light knew that he knew. L had changed his bandages while he slept, likely to avoid Light's blood from soiling his bed linen. After that he'd refused to acknowledge Light's suffering; his rejection couldn't be more obvious to the brunette. And experiencing such rejection from L had broken Light, even more than he had already been; even more than he thought he could possibly be. Light knew why it all hurt so much, he had figured it out, but even so, his pain refused to relent. He hated it, but he couldn't make it stop. It was boring its way through his heart, through his very soul.

I don't want this pain… Light thought. He felt so helpless; so useless. It was breaking him in every way possible and there was no way he could mend himself. He wouldn't even know where to start.

The sensation of something warm and liquid falling onto his hands startled Light back to reality. He looked down at his hands and found them littered by small clear droplets, some of which were continuing their journey along his skin and down towards his duvet.

I'm crying in public… Light realised and began laughing. He didn't bother trying to hold it back, it was just too comical. It was one of those things his pride and dignity never would have allowed him to do before his life descended into utter chaos.

"Yagami-san? Are you unwell?" Came Sophie's voice from the door to the bathroom, Light hadn't even noticed when she came back with the cleaning supplies she had told him she was going to get. This realisation only made Light laugh harder; he'd been too lost in his thoughts to pay attention to his surroundings.

"Yagami-san!" Sophie said more insistently, now she was standing next to his bed, laying her hand on his shoulder in what he assumed was supposed to be a comforting manner.

"I'm-" Light started speaking, intending to tell her that he was ok, but the words just wouldn't leave his mouth. And for some reason his brain decided to log off and let his mouth take control again. "I'm not fine. It hurts. everything hurts." He said, his maniacal laughing turning into hysterical sobs.

Light buried his face in his hands as his body was shaking with his sobbing, therefore he didn't notice the syringe the nurse pulled out from one of her pockets. It wasn't until he felt the needle penetrate his skin in the junction between his shoulder and neck that he realised what the nurse was doing.

"No-" He said feebly, the effects of the sedative taking over his body almost immediately.

"Shhh. You need more rest dear." The nurse said, guiding his body back towards the pillows. Light was too weak to do anything but glare angrily at the nurse as his vision grew darker and darker around the edges until everything went black.

-x-

L was wandering aimlessly around the corridors of the headquarters. He had seen the blueprints of the building before the construction of it had even begun, and knew the layout by heart, but he'd never actually been to every part of it before. Since Light had been admitted to the hospital L had been too distracted to get ay work done, therefore he had taken to wandering around headquarters in search of… something. He didn't really know what he was looking for, and he highly doubted it was something that could be found that easily, but it was better than sitting still all day while pretending to work. When he wasn't in the main room he could just lie and tell the others that he was doing some work on his own whenever he saw them. He and Watari were the only ones with access to all of the security footage. On the big screens in the main room, it was only possible to display Misa's apartment and the main room itself without L giving his consent for Watari to override the system. The only time it had been necessary for L to do this was during their investigations of the Yotsuba Corporation, when they'd watched the footage from the meeting room where they'd been holding their secret Kira-meetings.

L's mindless strolling through the corridors were interrupted by the screeching sound of his phone's ringtone. He looked at it with disdain before he answered.

"What is it?" He asked monotonously. He immediately regretted answering the phone as soon as he opened his mouth; he really didn't feel like talking to anybody, not even Watari.

"It seems Light had another episode, they had to sedate him." Said Watari. L's eyes widened in shock as what the older man was telling him sunk in.

"What happened? Is he alright?" L asked hurriedly. As he thought about Light hurting himself again his heart skipped a beat and it felt as if an uncomfortable knot was forming in his stomach, making him feel slightly unwell and dizzy.

"I do not know the details but he didn't have the opportunity to hurt anyone, himself included. It was the decision of the nurse taking care of him to sedate him before the situation escalated. They believe the catalyst was his roommate. It seems she was rushed out of the rooms because she needed immediate surgery. Light hasn't been informed of it yet, but they surgeons weren't able to save her. She passed away." Watari explained calmly, too calmly. L's eyes narrowed at the lack of emotional inflection in his guardian's voice, but deemed it less important than making sure that Light was fine.

"Prepare the car immediately, we will go visit him at once." L said curtly, however just as he was about to hang up he heard Watari's calm voice from the other end of the phone.

"No. You can't go see him L."

What? L thought in shock at the older man's unexpected refusal to cooperate.

"That was an order, Watari." L said, struggling to keep his voice under control. His worry for Light was rapidly turning into fury that Watari didn't want to cooperate. Didn't the old man understand that he had to see for himself that Light was fine?

"The rest of the taskforce will wonder where we are going, and why. They may take our absence as an opportunity to do whatever they please. What will you do if Soichiro decides to visit Light?" Watari said evenly, and despite his seemingly polite disposition L felt as if he was explaining something to a disobedient child who couldn't think on their own.

"Watari, I will not have you talk to me that way." L said angrily, greatly dissatisfied at the feeling of being chided, even if it wasn't Watari's intention.

"I have never questioned your judgement before, but right now you are acting irrationally. Think of your role as L." Watari said pleadingly.

"Watari-" L began, however this time Watari actually interrupted him before he had the opportunity to say what he wanted.

"L! Are you even listening to what I am saying?" Watari snapped. This took L completely by surprise; never had his guardian raised his voice while talking to him, nor had he ever had the need to.

"I apologise. I am acting irrationally." L said monotonously, all the anger completely gone from his voice. Watari's outburst had made him realise that what he was doing was indeed irrational.

So this is what my feelings towards Light have done to me… L thought blandly.

"No. That is quite alright." Watari said evenly, his voice back to normal. L actually smiled at that; the old man had been around L for a long time, and had gotten almost as good at controlling his emotions as L himself was.

Or used to be. It seems like I am losing my touch…

"Continue as you were; keep me updated on Light's status." L said and hung up the phone.

If I can't pull myself together in a situation like this any longer, perhaps it is time to appoint a successor soon… L thought sardonically as he continued his strolling.

-x-

Ah! Did you see that? Could it be foreshadowing? Or could I be trying to distract you? And poor Light, it seems someone really has it in for him in this story. Wonder who that could be? *whistles innocently and looks the other way.*

And oh my gosh nutrition drinks are disgusting! As a person who has been severely underweight and forced to drink them in a poor attempt to make me gain weight I can vouch for this! I am allergic to gluten, and was unable to gain any weight until we found out about it and I cut gluten completely out of my diet… (I miss bread that doesn't become dry overnight…)

- RIDDLE TIME! -

So, no one got it last chapter, which wasn't entirely unexpected. I can add that this is something that was impossible to notice at the beginning of the story, and has become more and more obvious as it has developed. :D (Again; I am asking for 'educational' purposes, and will use whatever 'results' I get in other stories.)

Thank's for reading!