Hey guys! I'd like to apologize for skipping around so much! Depressed Jasper isn't the most interesting character. He doesn't really do much that catches attention. The story is probably going to skip again after this chapter. It will get better, I promise. The most interesting part is yet to come! Thank you all for reading and reviewing! Please review! I will love you all forever if I get four (4) more reviews on this story by Monday!
I walked a yard away from Peter and Charlotte as we traveled. I was grateful for the peace a nomadic life brought, but was still depressed from hunting humans. I sighed and just kept running through the night, the full moon casting eerie glows on us. This life really had no structure, which I had quickly taken to. I wondered idly about my family, which I had changed one hundred and ten years ago now. How were they doing? I wanted to know, but couldn't bring myself to care through my depression. It was July 1975, and I felt every year I had been through. The past thirty-six had been spent were Peter and Charlotte, which were my best years of my vampire life.
"You alright, Jasper? You haven't been talking much," Peter said, concerned.
"Nothing to talk about, Peter," I said, shrugging and not meeting his eyes.
"You should hunt, Jazz. You look like you're having trouble keeping up, and you haven't hunted in over a month," Charlotte said, halting when Peter and I did.
"I'd rather not. I always feel terrible when I hunt. I'd rather be weak than feel that way. I'll wait until I can't stand it before I hunt," I replied, wincing at the thought of killing again.
"Alright, Jasper, but it's killing us to see you like this," Charlotte said, "And you haven't gotten much better with physical contact. Every vampire we come across is either afraid of you and runs away or attacks you. It's terrible," Charlotte said, her big crimson eyes looking up at me with sympathy I couldn't understand or get used to.
I felt sadness emanating from Charlotte. She had always been gentle with words towards me. I was glad that she and Peter had escaped together. They looked perfect with each other. I knew that I had no one that I could love, and no one would ever love me. I was a monster. It was that simple. No one could be that understanding of me as to be with me with reasons more than sympathy. I didn't know why Peter and Charlotte wanted to keep me around. I knew I sometimes frustrated them when I was too weak to keep up or they accidentally triggered a negative response from me, like the time I bit Charlotte when she hugged me. But, strangely, their frustration was always smothered by understanding and sympathy. Never would I understand such nonsense.
If I had to live with myself, one of us would have been dead or forced to go off by this point. I frustrated myself to no end. I could never get anything right, my instincts were constantly on edge. I had virtually no life left in me, no fire in my black eyes. I ran on nothing but immortality. If I were human, I would've taken my own life by now, or better yet, would've been under a grave. I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want Peter and Charlotte to worry about me more than they already did. I knew that, despite what I wanted, I'd only continue to go downhill if I were alone, if no one were there for me.
I had absolutely no faith in God, no hope that He would make anything better. I had been doubting that God even existed, and that didn't help any. The last time I had prayed had been thirty-six years ago, when I ran away with Peter and Charlotte. I had prayed that I wouldn't suffer anymore, or at least that it would get better. I didn't care if it meant dying, I just wanted to be out of misery. Of course God didn't listen. I was a monster, and I knew it.
I had broken almost every one of the ten commandments. I had idolized and worshipped Maria and the ground she walked on, in a way. I had done anything and everything in my power to please her, that was the first two in one act. I had said "God, damn it" so many times it was sickening, that was three. I definitely neglected the fourth one, I treated Sunday as if it had no meaning, and still did. I hadn't been to church since I was human. Honor your parents, I broke the fifth commandment when I changed them, then left. The sixth one was sure to send me to hell, for I had murdered countless people and other vampires. I felt bad about breaking the seventh one, adultery. I was planning on marrying the girl I loved as soon as the war was over, and I was with Maria multiple times during the time I was sure she was still alive. You shall not steal, number eight, was also broken. I stole lives, I stole material objects from people the newborns killed, because Maria wanted them. I clearly remembered the valuable gold necklace I took from a woman a newborn had killed her. Number nine, don't bear false witness, was broken. I had blamed things going wrong on newborns multiple times, most of the time ending up in their destruction. I had coveted positions in the army, both as a human and as a vampire. That was all ten. There was no way I was going to heaven. I had my pass to hell sealed. I knew I would definitely burn with Satan whenever I was de-
"What are you thinking so hard about, Jasper?" Peter asked, interrupting my long stream of thoughts.
"How many ways I've earned myself a trip to hell. I've broken all of The Ten Commandments," I replied miserably.
"Wow. That's pretty sad, but you couldn't help some of it," Peter replied, "When was the last time you went to church?"
"I don't even know! And I'm going to have to confess all that next time I go," I groaned, I wasn't looking forward to that spectacle.
"Oh, damn! Jasper, you're Catholic?" Peter said, his jaw dropping.
"Was. I stopped believing a while ago. I was just thinking that if there is a God, he's sending me to hell," I replied, hating to admit that.
The Seven Deadly Sins damned me even more. Pride was something I had too much of as I rose through the ranks in Maria's army. Envy was another problem. I had a tendency to envy higher ranking positions. Lust had me when I was with Maria multiple times, since there was no love behind my actions, only raw lust. Wrath was a problem for me with other vampires, I often was revengeful. My lack of control with human blood was gluttony, I could never seem to satiate my thirst. I was often greedy for power and blood, though I concealed the power greed well. I couldn't think of anything for sloth, which I assumed gave me one redeeming quality, but not enough to get me out of hell.
"Oh. Well, are you thinking about going to church again?" Peter asked.
"No. I'd give myself away at confession," I said, frowning.
"Oh. That really can't be good, then."
"Yeah, and I'd be there for days, confessing every sin I've committed over the past one hundred and twelve years," I said, thinking bout how long it would take talking at a fast human speed.
"Wow, no wonder you're depressed," Peter said in amazement as I was ever aware of the throb in the center of my chest, where my heart should be.
"Yeah. I hate it," I said, glowering at the ground.
"This is the most open you've been with us, Jasper," Charlotte said smiling and sitting beside me.
"Well, you guys asked, and I don't like lying," I shrugged.
"That's good. You have redeeming qualities, Jasper. You're just unable to let people see them most of the time," Charlotte soothed serenely.
"Thanks. It's nice to know someone thinks that," I said, almost feeling like I could possibly smile.
"Well, we better get going, it's almost sunrise and it wouldn't be good for a human to see three sparkling people sitting in the grass talking," Peter said, standing up and running off.
We followed until we found an old shed. The sun was starting to peek over the horizon, giving off a reddish glow. We sparkled a little, moving toward the shed to take shelter from the sun. We waited out the day and emerged as soon as the sun was hidden. I couldn't take much more. I had to hunt.
"I don't know how much longer I can go without hunting before it starts having effects as adverse as when I do hunt," I said unwillingly. When I got really thirsty, I was weak and extremely irritable.
"Hunt! Whatever you do, don't wait until then!" Charlotte shrieked, remembering last time.
We wandered around the suburb, looking for anyone out by themselves. We didn't need to look hard, as fireworks were popping everywhere. It was Independence Day. I saw a woman with a delicious scent walking by herself and I lost control immediately. My throat was in agony, and I needed to satiate my overwhelming thirst. I tackled her, her spine breaking as she slammed to the ground and I slashed open her carotid artery and jugular vein, drinking as fast as I could before her pain and fear sank in. I had her dry by the time the unpleasant emotions set in, echoing in my head and tormenting me.
"You alright?" Peter asked, helping me dispose of the body.
"Nope. Never am after I hunt," I mumbled, scattering the warm ashes.
"I hate that this life is so difficult for you," Peter said, looking at me with that confusing sympathy that I could never understand.
"Me, too. I've been thinking, Peter. I think I'd be better on my own, I'm not much better here than I was with Maria. I get into a fight almost every time we come across other vampires. I'm a liability to you and Charlotte. I want you guys to live peacefully, and with me around, it's impossible," I said firmly, standing a little straighter.
"It's alright, Jasper. We don't mind. You can stay with us," Peter reassured me.
"Peter, you and Charlotte are my friends, and I can sense that you like me around, but I also frustrate you frequently. It'll be good for me to be alone, where I can't bother anyone with how irritable I get when I'm thirsty. I'll be fine. I haven't had much time alone since I was human," I said persuasively.
"Jasper, don't ever think Charlotte and I don't want you around. It's simply not true. It's also your decision, and not my place to stop you. If it's what you really want, go. But feel free to travel with us any time," Peter said, the pain in his voice backed up by his emotions as Charlotte came toward us from her hunt.
"What did I miss?" She asked, straightening her clothes.
"I've deliberated, and I've chosen to travel alone," I said, looking at her. My expression was the softest it had ever been since I was human.
"Alright. We'll miss you, Jazz," she said, knowing there was no changing my mind.
Peter and I shook hand exchanging looks. I took Charlottes hand kissing it. She knew any more physical contact than that would result in a not-so-pleasant reaction from me. I still panicked and attacked if anyone touched me a certain way.
After goodbyes were out of the way, I turned and headed northeast. I had no clue where I was going, but something was telling me to head that way. I was uneasy about not having anyone on my side in a confrontation, or to be with me when I was at rock bottom. I corrected myself, I was already there, so the only way to go was up. I hoped that I was correct, and wouldn't just stay at rock bottom for the rest of my existence.
Jasper: You really like rubbing it in my face that I don't do much when I'm depressed, don't you?
Me: No, Jazzy, I'm not rubbing it in your face, it's a fact that after a few chapters of your self-loathing, it puts people to sleep!
Jasper: Sorry!
Me: It's alright, you can't help it.
Jasper: Thanks.
Me: Want to go see New Moon with me?
Jasper: Hell, no!
Me: Aw, why?
Jasper: 1. I look nothing like that! 2. I regret attacking Bella and don't need to remember that.
Me: Oh, gotcha. Bye everyone! Live long and prosper!