"I'm a coward."

Kurama turned his attention to Yusuke who had his head back against the cell wall. His eyes were staring sightlessly upward.

Sleep had helped chase some of the intrusive phantasmal pain away. The warm presence of Yusuke's hand on his back was an additional security though in his mind he was not sure who it was for. Yusuke seemed unable to not touch him, keeping at least some part of their bodies in constant contact since he had awaken.

He had noted this new development with a sense of guilt and concern for his friend. He at least understood it was Yusuke's way of reaffirming his continued presence. What more it might end up meaning was as ambiguous as the statement he had just made. The toll all of this was taking on Yusuke was obvious. It showed in the shadowed lines of his once youthful face, the knowledge of something horribly wrong that had yet to be fully defined.

"Why would you think that?"

Yusuke's eyes closed, an odd smile twisted his lips, "I did it again...tried to use my spirit gun."

There was a meaning to his words, one he would have ferreted out rather easily before coming to this place. Now he could only react, his heart falling slightly at the tone in his voice. His mind was simply to wrapped up, dulled by the attentions of Orochi.

"I'm afraid you'll have to be more forthcoming Yusuke. Contrary to what you and Kuwabara believe I am not a mind reader."

"I don't know how to do this. How to watch..."

He waited knowing it was not Yusuke's strong suit, putting his emotions into words like this. There was little he could do to help the process along. He was battling his own war against his emotions that were all to strongly pulling at him.

Yusuke lowered his head to stare at his hand, "I should be stronger you know? All the shit we've been through. I should be able to deal with this."

"That hardly makes sense." he censured gently, "Tournaments fights, any fight is different then being asked to watch someone you care for being hurt."

"You don't get it. I knew it was going to knock me out."

Self loathing. That was what he heard in the tone of voice, so new he had been unable to identify it because Yusuke had never expressed that before.

"Can you say with certainty that was all that was in your mind?"

Please Yusuke let me pull you out of this...

"I couldn't stand it. What he was...I couldn't...he was smiling...that bastard was smiling and I couldn't do anything! I wanted to...I just wanted it to stop..."

"You wanted a release. Tell me if you had been able to use your spirit gun what would have happened?"

He knew the answer, seeing it reflected on Yusuke's face only made the guilt dig in deeper.

"You would have died." was the answer whispered in shame.

"What impossible standard are you trying to live up to Yusuke? Kuwabara?"

A derisive snort, "He would have been a blubbery mess."

"Then perhaps Hiei?" a guarded glance that made little sense to him, "Or me?"

"You wouldn't..."

"Flattering as the thought is you overestimate me." he interrupted looking away disturbed by the truth of the matter, "I would no more be able to watch this then you are. I am not without compassion, more so since I became Suichi."

"Stop it."

"Stop?"

"Stop trying to make it okay! Stop trying to make me feel better! So what?! So what if part of me was hoping I could some how pull it off! So what if I had it in my fucking head that I could kill him and not you! That isn't the fucking point! I...damn it Kurama I just didn't want to listen to it anymore!"

The hand was taken away as Yusuke leaned forward putting his head in his hands. He turned more fully towards Yusuke. It was a hard truth to deal with, finding what you would consider a flaw in your character. Knowing that one of your actions was not entirely selfless, that it could have had dire consequences. Hind sight was twenty/twenty after all.

"Would it be better if I hated you for your action?"

"What?!"

"Would that ease your guilt?" he clarified, "Would you like me to tell you I despised you for it? I don't but if you need..."

"You're an ass."

"You're allowing yourself to wallow in something that is without blame. Self preservation is a valuable asset Yusuke. I of all people know that considering the lengths I have gone to in order to achieve it. Your guilt is misplaced. It was the last thing you thought of, not wanting to hear. You have only had enough time to realize what might have happened in the after math. I doubt very much your goal was to end my life."

"How do you know?"

"Do you want my death?"

"I don't want to watch it anymore. I don't want you having to..."

"Do you want my death?"

He almost flinched away from the fury in Yusuke's eyes.

"Fuck you Kurama."

"It's a simple enough question. Either you wanted me dead or that was something that occurred to you only after. You have an unfailing ability to charm luck from nowhere and if you had been successful it would have been a true success. But you weren't so you are searching for a way to hate yourself for your failure. Stupidity is not limited to thoughts during an event, it can be applied to those after as well."

Anger. He had not meant for it to color his words so intensely. He had not meant for his hand to fist as he spoke. He had not meant to lean forward full of tension so that Yusuke's entire demeanor changed into one of wariness.

The abrupt realization of this made him withdraw, the blood draining from his face.

Being eaten away...

...excruciating blades radiating through him as his ribs snapped under the pressure, unable to catch his breath, drowning in thick fluids...

Warm, immediate pressure brought him back into lucidity. Yusuke's emotion darkened eyes searching his face agitatedly.

When had they come so close to each other?

He forced himself to draw breath, to shake off the clinging impressions.

Yusuke's strong fingers held his chin, that had been the pressure he had responded to.

"I'm...here." he assured him wanting to ease the fear and concern he saw in those eyes.

Yusuke's jaw rippled before he released his hold on Kurama's chin.

One of his absolutes had just been shattered. Kurama, Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected had just almost lost it. For a brief mind numbing moment he had the presence of mind to wonder why Kurama was channeling him all of a sudden. A much smarter version yes but he knew the type of anger that had just sprung from Kurama, knew it more intimately than anything else. Then he had realized it meant something else entirely. That it was a very bad thing for Kurama to lose his cool so suddenly.

The abrupt rage disappeared, replaced by that pained expression that heralded him losing touch with reality. Any other thoughts flew out of his mind except regaining Kurama's focus.

How am I supposed to hold onto him like this?

Another illusion followed the first a split second later.

One of the things he had imagined would be a wonderful thing, to be able to read Kurama as well as Hiei did. He doubted very much that Hiei had ever had the chance to watch the play of emotions across Kurama's face, be able to follow the thoughts that had to go along with those emotions.

He swallowed the terror that surfaced, forced it away like he had seen Kurama do. His friend was watching him with a different intensity then before, a hardness that had not been there a second ago. He braced himself. He knew that look. It meant unpleasant things were going through Kurama's head.

"Let me go Yusuke."

Had the world stopped? Had the air been taken out of the cell, out of his lungs? Was it just him or was there suddenly to much of everything pressing down on him trying to smother his entire being?

Emerald eyes to full of knowing sadness just held his, softening in ways that he wanted to dismiss because that intimacy was to real, to vital to actually acknowledge. It was Kurama fully and without reserve and it made his eyes sting, his heart wrench with anticipated sorrow.

"I've lived a long life..."

"shut up..."

"You don't have to take this on."

His eyes widened, "I don't have to do a fucking thing! Except be here! I have to do that don't I?!"

"This is where I belong. What I've earned because of my past. This has nothing to do with you."

"Fuck you Kurama!"

"You are becoming very fond of saying that."

"You don't deserve this," he denied knowing they were to close, that he would do something impulsive in a second that might make things so much worse but not caring, "You don't get to tell me what to take on either. You don't get to just give up. This is just as much my fault as it is yours. I'm not stupid. He was tracking me to trap you. Why the hell did he do that? You're usually with Hiei not me!"

Now those eyes shifted away, "I would guess because I trust you."

"That doesn't make any sense." he snapped without thinking.

Kurama laughed softly, "It makes more sense then you realize. I've put my life in your hands a few times Yusuke and not always when I was aware I was doing so."

"So wh...oh"

It was the memory that stilled his words. He and Kurama on top of the hospital roof. The Forlorn Hope between them. Those insane energies surging around Kurama as he made his wish to save his mother's life. He hadn't thought twice about offering his own soul. In hindsight not the best split second decision of his life but it had worked out in the end.

Gaining a friend like Kurama had made it worthwhile.

"If it had been Hiei captured with me the affect would not be the same." Kurama went on patiently, "His views are different then yours or mine. It would enrage him but in the end this is set up to cause you just as much pain as it is to cause me pain."

"It embarrasses you huh?"

One eyebrow rose, that was the only response he got from the question so he pushed forward.

"Me watching all this."

"When he said I hide my flaws he was not lying."

"That's stupid. Where's the flaw?"

"I suppose it can't hurt to be honest." Kurama murmured staring at his hands, "not at this point."

There was a vague sense of resignation to the red head's words that chilled him a little. He was definitely not use to Kurama being like this. The fox demon was normally the one who found the ways around if they existed. If he was giving up even before the third time with Orochi then he was hiding more then Yusuke thought.

And if he gives up then he won't live through it. What the hell am I supposed to do?! I can't just let him die!

"Yes it embarrasses me." Kurama confirmed, "anything that touches on others being concerned for me does. I've never been able to fully get use to the idea. Even with Shiori it still...bothers me."

He tried. He honestly tried to keep the words internal. He tried not to say what immediately sprang to mind. He tried to shove them back down his throat even as he opened his mouth.

"Must suck then for me to be all over you."

The response was so shocking that for a full minute he could not speak.

As soon as the words were out Kurama's cheeks flushed brightly. It was so bizarrely surreal that Yusuke raised a hand, reaching out to touch the warm cheek trying to convince himself it was real. Kurama shied from the touch almost as if he had struck him, their bodies losing contact.

It was not just Orochi.

His breath caught, "You...you..."

It was not just Orochi, it was him as well. Both of them playing their part in the destruction of Kurama's control, in his losing his grip on himself. They were both to blame for this change, for the tremor that went through the red head's body even as he watched.

How had he missed that? How had he ignored such an obvious thing?

All this time Kurama was concerned for him, for his view of what was unfolding. He had been shoving the worst of the affects away for his benefit even though he was the cause of some of them.

"As an added incentive I will restrict my...touch to you alone."

Why would that matter? What did it mean that Kurama had so readily agreed after Orochi had offered that?

He's suffering to keep you from having to. You're such a fucking idiot sometimes Urameshi!

"What the hell are we doing to you?" he asked horrified.