That night in the common room Harry, Ron, Fred, and George set to work on their plans for the first prank of the first semester.
"You figure out our first target yet, Harry?" Ron asked excitedly.
"Well, right up until I met the guy it was looking like Lockhart but I think he can humiliate himself enough without our help." Harry replied.
"So are the stories true?" "He hid under his desk because of some pixies and ran out of the classroom?" Fred and George asked.
"Yup, made us clean up his mess, too. Missed half my lunch because of that git." Ron replied.
"So who are we pranking then, Harry?" "Snape?" "Filtch?" The twins asked, offering up the same ideas as they had that morning.
"I was thinking something a little bigger than that. What about the entire house of Slytherin?"
"How?" "And why?" "Not that we're against a little house rivalry." The twins inquired.
"The 'how' is something I'm afraid we might need Hermione's help with. I'm thinking we find some way to set off a stink bomb in their common room. And the why? Well Draco Malfoy thought it would be OK to call Ron and me bloodtraitors and to call Hermione a mudblood. Bless her heart." He added feigning concern. "Which is why I suggest he be the method we employ to deliver the stink bomb to the common room."
"What's the stink bomb going to be made out of?" "And how will we time it?" "And can I punch Draco?" "Or can I?" The twins asked in rapid succession.
"I think we'll need Hermione for those first two and I really don't recommend physical contact in case whatever is wrong with him is viral. Plus it won't solve anything and his dad's got a lot of clout, he could probably get you guys expelled."
"Damn." Ron said, disappointed. "I would have liked to see that happen."
"As would we all, Ron. As would we all. Now, I feel like Hermione might be less than cooperative in this venture but just leave her to me. Still, I think it'd be smart to have a backup plan so you two think up some alternatives. I'd like to get this done tomorrow, quidditch practice starts soon and it really cuts into the prank planning time."
"Sounds good. Until tomorrow, then?" Ron asked, getting up and yawning.
"Until tomorrow. I think that officially concludes the first meeting of the Marauders for this school year."
"I think the boys are up to something, Ginny." Hermione said, looking at Ron, Harry, Fred, and George who each had a mischievous smile on their face.
"Probably. It'd be more surprising if they weren't, really."
"I guess, but I don't know why they can't, I don't know, study or something. Or at least just behave."
"Why? Well because they're boys, mostly, and they're just acting like it. Speaking of which, did you really hex Harry today?"
Hermione looked at her lap a little embarrassed "Well he kept going on to Lockhart about how I was such a big fan and wanted him to sign my books and such."
"So what'd you do?"
"Well I just petrified him until Lockhart got into the lesson. And I, uh, I might have threatened Harry and Ron with the bat-bogey hex when they threatened to leave me by myself with all those pixies."
"Pixies? Lockhart ran away from pixies? Guess he's not all you thought he was."
"I guess not."
"But now I can see why you're so paranoid about the boys having meeting with you not there. You were sort of wrong, and you got mad at them because they were right, which is kind of what you always complain about them doing. I'd be pretty freaked out, too, if I were on their bad side. The bat-bogey hex can only go so far, you know?"
"Of course you're freaked out around Harry even though you're not on his bad side..." Hermione said giving Ginny a sly look.
"I have no idea what you're talking about! I was perfectly composed today."
"Today... so you admit that you usually lose the ability to speak and control of your basic motor function around him on other days?"
Ginny blushed. "Oh, so you noticed that?"
"Just a little." Hermione said with a consoling smile.
"It's just... my parents read me fairy tales about Hairy Potter as a little girl and now he's here, in the flesh. In the VERY attractive flesh, I might add."
"That's a dangerous road to down, Ginny. I've known Harry for over a year and he goes through girls like they're a dime a dozen. That's what happens when a boy is raised by a middle-aged bachelor. Did you know he has a competition going on with Sirius to see if he can beat his record for the most girls snogged at Hogwarts?"
"I guess some of that stuff sounds bad but... he's just so... perfect. And maybe I'm worth more than a contest. I just need a shot to show him."
"Harry's not one to get attached. He went through, like, a dozen girls last year and I'll bet you they all thought they'd be the one to change Harry Potter. Plus he's already got his eyes on some girl in Ravenclaw. But look, I'm not going to tell you who you can and can't have a crush on, Ginny, but if I were you I wouldn't be placing my bets on Harry. Of course if I were you I wouldn't even consider Harry. You just haven't heard the way he talks about women like they're just... objects. It's disgusting."
"But can't a girl dream?"
"Not if she keeps putting her elbow in the mashed potatoes while she does it." Hermione said with laugh.
"I think I'm over that. My mom got me this diary and I've been writing in it, I feel like it's given me some confidence. At least enough to not freak out every time he's near me."
"Well I think that's great. And if Harry says anything about you I'll let you know, but don't get your hopes up, and I mean that."
"Thanks, Hermione. We should probably get to bed, it looks like the boys are going." Ginny said, watching as all the male Marauders stood up. "But they didn't give you any evil stares so I think you might be safe for the next 24 hours, so that's good news." she said with a laugh.
"You know I really wasn't scared until I talked to you."
Harry made his way to the dining hall early, at least earlier than most of the people he usually sat with, but this was the plan. Specifically the plan to get there before Hermione, but the fewer witnesses the better, not that he was doing anything overtly suspicious. Well, actually, Harry Potter reading a copy of the Daily Prophet was sort of suspicious if you knew what you were looking for, but most people don't know what they're looking for. Of course Harry didn't have a subscription to the Prophet but that's what the Ravenclaw table is for, right? Harry, spotting a grouping of third year girls, each with their own copy of the paper, had found his target.
"Hello ladies." Harry said with a flirty look on his face. "I was wondering if one of you wouldn't mind letting me borrow your paper -" Three copies of the prophet were thrust in his face. "-when you're done." This caught even him by surprise. "Err, thanks" He said, grabbing the nearest one "I'll probably have it back to you before Breakfast is over..." he said, waiting for a name.
"Marietta" Said the girl whose paper he'd taken.
"Marietta. Thanks."
Just as he reached the head of the table he saw Cho heading to the table. Harry simply shot her a wink as he had larger plans to work on at the moment.
Harry had no trouble grabbing his usual seat at the still mostly-empty Gryffindor table. He ruffled through the pages of the prophet until he found the page he was looking for. He removed his quill and bottle of ink and started writing on the paper while munching on some breakfast. A few minutes later the Gryffindor table started to fill up with students, including Ron and Hermione.
"I didn't know you read the newspaper, Harry." Hermione said with some surprise.
"Oh, I don't read it, there are too many words for me, you know that. I just get it for the crossword and the funny pages." He replied with a smile.
"Well I've never seen you with a copy of it before." She said with a tone of suspicion.
"That's because we're usually too late to breakfast for me to have time for it. I just do it in the dorm. Right, Ron?"
"What? Err, yeah. Yeah, Harry always has his paper out in the dorms, he's like a regular scholar up there."
"Nice save" Harry thought.
"Hmm, right. Well this could be a good thing, Perhaps one day you'll read it and accidentally learn something, though I don't guess that's too likely with the Prophet." Hermione said, still giving Harry a look of scrutiny.
"Nah, it'd hurt my image."
The three went about eating their breakfast for a while until Harry broke the silence "Hey, Hermione. What's an 8 letter name for a petrification hex?"
"Oh, bodybind! Oh..." She said, suddenly realizing why Harry asked her for that clue
"Oh... Indeed. That must be a little awkward for you. Don't worry, I don't think there are any clues asking for an 8 letter word for 'Pretends to be a hero' so we should be alright."
More silence.
"What's a word for 'commonly available substance noted for it's particularly putrid smell'?"
"Hmm, I guess it could be essence of brimstone, that's not really common, though, is it? What about stinksap? How many letters is it supposed to have, again?"
"Uh, 8. It looks like stinksap works. And that must be it because the next hint asks for a place stinksap can be easily found."
"Well the mimbulus mimbletonia has stinksap and they're in greenhouse 1. But that's a pretty rare plant." Neville said as he took a seat next to them at the table.
"Well most people would get it at the apothecary I'd think." Hermione said.
"Excellent! That fits. Now, I've got 'a charm for making device similar to a timebomb."
"That's a clue in the crossword?" Hermione add eying Harry very suspiciously.
"Yeah, I think they might have gotten the guy that used to write the Quibbler's crosswords or something."
"Let me see it." Hermione said grasping at the page.
"You don't believe me?" Harry asked innocently as he yanked the page away.
"No. Accio crossword." Hermione said as the paper seemed to crawl out of Harry's grasp of it's own accord. "That's not a clue! Neither was the stinkstap stuff! Not even bodybind. In fact, you've just filled out random letters in the boxes, these aren't even words."
As Hermione was yelling at the paper indignantly Harry took the opportunity to slowly get up and head stealthily toward the Ravenclaw table. Just as Hermione realized her target audience had disappeared Harry sat down at the Ravenclaw table to the complete the illusion of vanishing.
"I'm just going to hide out here for about 60 seconds if that's cool with you guys." Harry said, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible.
"Who are you hiding from?" The voice to his left asked him.
"Hermione." Harry answered as he turned to see who asked him. Cho Chang. "Oh, you're Cho, right? I'm Harry Potter."
All the girls at the table suddenly looked at Cho.
"Yes, I'm Cho," she said, blushing a little "and I think everyone in this school knows you're Harry Potter, you know, lightening scar and stuff."
"True, but it would destroy this illusion of humility I've established if I didn't at least try to act like I should introduce myself."
The girls around him giggled.
"Oh, and here's your paper, Marietta, sorry but I think the crossword might be missing. You can ask Hermione for it but I wouldn't if I were you."
The bell rang signaling the end of breakfast.
"Well, I've got to get to charms and timing my arrival to match the start of class without bumping into Hermione could be tricky. Alas, I must bid you fair ladies adieu." Harry said, to their disappointment. "But you" he said, pointing at Cho "You and I should make out some time... or go to Hogsmeade or something." Harry said right before walked away. Cho just blushed while her girlfriends giggled at her and started talking about how cool it would be to go on a date with Harry Potter.
Harry arrived in Professor Flitwick's class just before the bell rang. When he sat down next to Ron Hermione got up from the table and moved to go sit with Parvati and Lavender.
"What got a bee up her bonnet?" Harry asked Ron.
"She thinks you're up to no good, mate. Doesn't want a part of it. I think that crossword trick was bloody brilliant, though." Ron replied.
"Thanks, I do what I can. Do you know if Fred and George figured out a delivery system yet?"
"I don't think so, they looked like they were still thinking up ideas at breakfast but even if they had one they wouldn't have mentioned it with Hermione there.
"Smart."
Just as Professor Flitwick started to speak Neville opened the door.
"Sorry professor, I got lost." He said in a huff and he walked over to sit down by Harry and Ron.
Flitwick started his lesson again.
"I guess Hermione isn't too happy." Neville observed in a whisper.
"But when is she ever?" Ron asked.
"Neville, I need your help for some strictly confidential and very official Marauder business." Harry said, seriously.
"Does this mean I'm a marauder?"
"No, but you're sort of like a marauder mercenary which sounds cooler anyway. Remember that plant you talked about at breakfast?"
"The mimbulus mimbletonia?"
"Sure, that. You said it's in the greenhouse. How hard would it be for you to sneak in and get some stinksap from it?"
"Not that difficult, I guess, I help professor Sprout water and prune the plants at lunch sometimes."
"Wait, what?" Ron interjected.
"Never mind him, Neville. We need enough stinksap to make an area the size of - oh, I don't know, let's say... a common room, for example – smell really bad. Can you do that?"
"Sure."
"Excellent."
It was a very normal morning for Harry which, when you think about it, should seem very abnormal considering who we're talking about, but most people don't think about it. Fred and George were acting equally normal – they were veterans at not getting caught – the same could not be said for Ron, however, he just hadn't yet figured out how to stay calm. As soon as the four boys met in the common room to head down the Great Hall he was giddy with excitement
"Do you think the plan worked? Do you think they'll know who did it?"
"If you keep acting like that they'll know who did it, for sure. Ron, I'm going to have to ask you calm down." Harry said.
"This is just really exciting, I mean there were so many things that could go wrong. Like if the charms on the paper didn't work. I'm just nervous."
"Chill." Was all Harry said, and Ron seemed to get the idea.
The halls were abuzz with whispers – no doubt about the prank – as they walked to breakfast. Somehow it seemed everyone in the school knew what exactly had happened EXCEPT the marauders. "If it failed completely no one would be talking about it all, right? Of course I don't guess I really know what everyone's whispering about but it's a safe guess." Harry thought to himself.
All questions were answered when they sat down at the Gryffindor table and Lee Jordan rushed over to them.
"Guess what happened in the Slytherin common room last night after dinner." He said smiling.
"Uh, Snape gave up all pretense of civility and started beating students publicly for punishment instead of giving detentions." Harry replied.
"Wait, what? No. Although he might do that when you hear what happened. Snape was just leaving the common room as Draco was walking in and right at that moment a stink bomb went off. I heard it from Blaise. He said a firework went off in Draco's backpack and sent this goo stuff all over the common room, he said it smelled horrible and, judging by the fact that their table smells sort of funny this morning I believe him."
Harry, Ron, Fred, and George couldn't stop laughing long enough to get a word in at this point until finally Harry managed:
"So what was Draco trying to do with a stink bomb then?"
"Well that's the thing, I heard Dumbledore looked at it and figured out that it wasn't your average firework gone off unexpectedly. It was actually a firecracker and stinksap inside a howler addressed to the Slytherin common room-"
"Well how's he know where it was addressed to?" Ron interrupted
"Because whoever made it had to write the recipient on it. At least they were smart enough not to put their return address." Dean answered.
"Oh" Ron said.
"So they're pretty sure that Draco wouldn't try to stink bomb his own common room, especially not from his backpack." Dean continued.
"Awesome." Fred, George, Ron, and Harry all said at once.
Hermione cleared her throat and gave them a stern look that caused Dean to move down the table to tell more people.
"Have you progressed from the silent treatment to the stern-look-and-throat-noise treatment or something?" Harry asked her.
"Uh, well, the thing is-" She started.
"I think we're off the silent treatment altogether, mate!" Ron interjected.
"Right. Well, see, I might have told Professor McGonagall that I suspected you four were up to something involving stinksap." Seeing the shock hit the boys' faces she realized she had recover this quickly "But look, before you guys say anything I just wanted to say I'm SO sorry. I didn't think you were going to use it so soon, I just want-" She said it as fast as she could - as if it were one long word - but she was still interrupted by 4 different people yelling 4 different variations of:
"You did WHAT!" at the exact same time.
"Worst criminal mastermind EVER." Harry concluded.
"Well I just wanted to make sure you guys didn't steal the stinksap and do anything dangerous with it. I didn't know you'd already done something." She said, getting visibly upset.
"Why would you even tell her about the stinksap even if you didn't know we were about to use it? It's not like it's harmful, it just stinks." Ron said, angrily.
"L-look, I thought you guys might s-still be... m-mad... at me. Because of hexxing Ha-harry ye-yesterday. I th-thought you were going to t-try to u-use it on m-me" she said crying before she got up and ran out of the Great Hall.
"I hate crying girls." Ron said.
"Amen to that." Harry said as the boys raised their glasses in a toast.
Ginny gave them a dirty look.
"Hey, this is her fault, not ours, so don't give us that look. Maybe she deserves to cry a little."
Ginny slapped all four boys on the back of the head as she left the Great Hall to find Hermione.
"Women." Ron said.
They toasted again.
"Might as well enjoy our last few minutes of freedom, gents." Harry said taking a swig of his pumpkin juice.
The four boys all picked at their food with their heads hung low. To anyone watching it wouldn't look unlike four death row inmates enjoying a last meal, although 'enjoying' probably isn't the best word to describe it.
And that's when professor McGonagall walked up, her mouth as thin as ever.
"Boys, the headmaster would like to have a talk with you all, please come with me."