A/N: Double Chapter Update for the long wait!
Not Quite
Hana's hand traveled down my thighs, tickling me with her torturously light touches. I felt so imprisoned. No one had ever made me so surrendered like she did. I have never wanted to be touch so badly like I was now in her waiting.
"Hana" I called her name.
She didn't respond like she used to, but her hand did. Her fingers pressed on the center of my womanhood. I squeezed her hand between my thighs. She chuckles.
Her finger starts to circle around my knob, pressing it for cruel short cycles before letting go and coming back again. It wasn't enough, I wanted her to touch me directly.
"Please, Hana" I embraced her tight on the neck. She rolled around and pinned my hands to the mattress.
She smiled and then she leaned down to kiss me again. I caught her lips with the thirst of someone drowning for air. Her hands started to let me go. I took that chance to embrace her. She falls and stays warm and passionate above me. The untamed coarseness of her hands around my arms, the violent tugs of her hand on my scattered hair. It was everything.
It was ok. It was fine even if we don't do anything else but kiss and hold each other the whole day. I just wanted her like this. I just wanted her –wanting me.
Having Hana kiss me so passionately made me remember one time when I first felt different about her kiss. It wasn't so far from that time that she gave me the necklace.
The next morning, I woke up with my body above Hana's.
I ticked my hand to my temples. Why were we sleeping together in my bed? Or specifically, why was Hana sleeping naked in my bed while I was intimately tossed above her?
And then it dawned on me.
After we got home last night from the forest, I made Hana take off her clothes. I was going to toss her some clothes but I got in contact with her skin. She was freezing. It felt like touching ice. She was shivering and I started to get afraid about her getting sick again. I couldn't let her get sick again.
I took the duvet off my bed and pointed at the mattress. "Sleep here tonight." I simply told her. She seemed hesitant to do it right away, of course, she was stunned why I suddenly said that.
I pulled on her hand and guided her to the bed, making her rest straight and fixing the pillow below her head. I wrapped the duvet on her body, making sure she was comfortable with enough warmth. She was burning when I touched her cheek and I asked her if she felt cold. She nodded and coughed, and I didn't know what else to do, so I rested above her and embraced her tightly. It was a crime of mine to fall asleep before I could see through her needs, but the extra walk back to the mountains had exhausted me beyond what I can handle in a day.
Now, fully awake and aware, I looked down at Hana and studied her sleeping face. I loved that face. I only realized it late, but I really loved seeing the sleeping Hana. She had that younger glint and jolly innocence that you wouldn't see her sporting when she's awake. The fully conscious Hana was hard-headed in carrying the persona of a rough bully and a mean teenager. Two things she hardly isn't when she's with me. One look at her from the first time we met, and I saw it. And I will always be proud of spotting her.
Though, recently, some work of curse or a freak nature is trying to take her from me.
I remembered then again her rising fever in the night. I run the knuckles of my hand on her cheek and relief engulfs me when I felt her normal heat back. My hand opens and cups her small, irritably adorable face.
"Mmm," Hana begins to stir. Her lips pressed expressively as her body begins to move below the duvet wrapping I cocooned her into. I pinched gently on her puffed cheek.
"Hana" I called to her quietly.
"Mmm," she answered.
I looked solemnly at the older girl, she twisted to her side, and her eyes opened. She shifted her head and then her beautiful brown oak eyes stared at me. "Katja – sama" She said in a meek voice.
"Get up, we need to go back to the camp." I snap back to my usual cold demeanor. Unable to act that kind and caring in the face of reality. I often wonder why that is so, and here I realize it's all because like Hana, I wanted to act like someone I'm not. It was a humiliation to be the Empress and have a swooning heart for a slave. I lifted myself away from her and took a walk to my cabinets.
"By the height of the sun outside, it's probably noon now. We need to get to the camp for my first meeting with the army." I spoke, looking out at the landscape provided by the open window of my room.
Hana made several more grunts before getting free from the wrapped duvet. She stood up from the bed and knew me better to take the sheets with her and drag it on the floor. Instead, she walked around the room, fully naked. She took a towel from her bag at the floor and clasps it on her body.
"I'll take the bath first," She said with a yawn and left the room soon after. It was probably for the best to make her wake up. It had me thinking at that time of how much sleep she was actually able to achieve last night. Did she fall asleep as soon as I did? Or did she have to bare my weight over her and look at me sleeping so soundly while she writhed in cold for most of the night?
Up until now, I wished I really didn't sleep on her that night.
Back to the moment. After Hana came back to the room, giving off the smell of rejuvenation and a cheerful voice that greeted me "Good Mornin' Katja-sama!" I took a spray of the showers myself. Hana helped me to my dress, it was again, a black long gown with tints of white laces and ribbons of red on the cuffs of the sleeve. I took the necklace off in the bathroom and asked Hana to place a black velvet choker in its place. I could see how Hana looked upset to find my neck empty of her necklace gift but she didn't say anything about it and at that time, I was glad she didn't.
All in all, it was another hour before we were set to walk back up the dreaded mountains and to the military base. We didn't go to the General's office anymore, we were guided to the conference hall. Inside the big room, there was a roundtable on the center. The seats were a baker's dozen, and there was only one seat left. Hana was forced to stand behind my seat. The other people in the table looked suspiciously at her.
"She's my personal guard. If I'm allowed here, she should be too." I said aloud for everyone to hear it.
The men nodded their heads and pretty soon, Gen. Asaka stood up from his chair.
"Members of the High Command Division, I would like to introduce to all of you," He prodded me to stand up and so I did. "Ekaterina Kurae, she will be a part of the intel and strategy unit with full powers of command next to me," He added with a strict voice.
His deadpan serious face and his intended frightening voice were enough to keep the comments and opinions of the other members silent. All of them were wearing blue army fatigue. They had bald heads with black berets. They were old looking man, somewhere around forty to fifty years old. Seven out of the twelve had gray facial hair.
"Thank you for the introduction, Gen. Jinzaburo Asaka." I sounded so evangelic. "I know some of you might be judging my ability right now, but don't worry, I won't let you men down." I closed my eyes and smiled wickedly. The lights in the room started to flicker. One moment it was quiet then everyone screamed when I ushered a hot electric shot at the table.
The men looked confused at me. Hana looked delighted. "I hope none of you disobeys me." I said with a chuckle at the end, and another bolt of electricity hit the table. Their revolving chairs slid away from the object as fast as possible. Escaping the inundate heat and the strong charge of ground coming after its stir.
After the so called meeting where we only discussed the limits and scope of my position, Hana and I left for the fortress.
We always need to wake up early and get our asses back to the military every day. We needed to be there to get all the lectures and seminars about how the war was going in different villages. It wasn't the best job at all. My work doesn't come in unless I get the full data about the enemies and the progress of our camp against them. Also, it is a slightly hidden agenda, that the enemies should not know I'm part of this camp. The element of surprise, cliché as it is, we were using it.
Anyways, days were spent in a horrible back and forth journey from the fortress to the military base. But, it wasn't all that horrible for me. Hana always carried me on her back on the way there and back. Not that I was asking her to, she was the one who simply wanted to offer me the courtesy of being at rest.
"I don't want you getting more tired when you're already stuffed with your military job," She told me as a reason.
And without intending to, the people in the military has labeled Hana as my official personal guard. I didn't tell her that because I knew she wouldn't like it. She wanted people to know that she was my girlfriend. That we were a couple. Good thing she was too much of a dense head to even remotely notice that position of hers in the eyes of the military. It would've done her a dejected strike if she knew that. I wouldn't know how else I could make her stay if it came to that.
A month passes by too quickly and winter was on its way. The snow became higher, thicker, colder outside. It was a week before the Christmas holidays and the mountain people were thrilled. The people in this mountains believed in the God of the Village and Valleys. They celebrated Christmas and New Year like nowhere else in the world.
Even in the face of war, the people here were not going to stop celebrating. The military base was closed down for any transaction outside of enjoying the season and charity funding to give away for those who have nothing.
There were drives and drives of people at the marketplace. They were close to bankrupt but they still persisted in buying gifts for their loved ones. The central city was decorated with lines of Christmas lights, garlands, and flowers. The music was religious to them, but it still spoke of the spirit in that worldwide celebrated occasion.
Hana frequently stopped by some shops. I was sure she was looking for a gift to give me. But she never bought anything. At that same day, Hana and I went back to the fortress and locked ourselves inside my room.
Nothing in my room spelled holidays. It was still dingy, and boring. I sat on my mattress looking at Hana who was sitting at her futon, extremely pushed next to my bedstead.
She started doing that about a month ago too. She said she did it because she wanted to feel close to me as much as possible. Hana asked, plead and begged that we sleep together in the same bed. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. I hated sharing my mattress, especially to Hana who was in the least –a very twist-and-toss person in bed. At first, I reprimanded her for doing it and told her that she's never going to get close to a person just by sleeping in a futon next to their bed.
But Hana was stubborn. She still sleeps there every night. And then this one morning came. I woke up and stood groggily. I was going to the bathroom to lose some water, but my feet were waggling. I tried to regain balance, and then the next thing I know, Hana cried and held her hand tight.
I stepped on her hand. Unintentionally.
"I told you, Hana, it's stupid," I said rather than apologizing to her.
But, Hana still didn't give up. She forgave me that day and still slept there in the night. The next day, I did it again, and again, and again, and again. I did it every day, but Hana never moved away. She still slept there. Though I guess it must be because she is a masochist. She loves pain. What was I thinking that time!
Back to the time where I was watching Hana at her futon. She had her cellphone on her ear. She was talking with Mafuyu on the other line. Sasha and the others constantly made some checks on how Hana and I were doing. But I know it was only Hana they were actually worried about.
Hana laughed, and then she talked again. I couldn't hear what they were talking about.
"Oh, Mafuyu, you won't believe this, I have big news for you guys!" Hana started getting eager. "Katja – sama and I –
Knowing exactly what she was about to say, I gave Hana a death glare. I was not going to allow her to say that to them. I didn't want anyone to know that we were a couple. Those group of righteous sillywads would quickly tell Hana to jump out while she still can. To leave me and don't even believe for a second that I'm serious with her.
Hana's pause was long enough for Mafuyu to start saying something again. "Hana, what is it? What's up with you and Katja?"
Hana was stalling to answer, but I took the phone away from her and stopped the call. I gave her the phone back. She looked crestfallen at me like she couldn't believe I had just done that. The phone dropped from her hold and fell on the floor below her futon. I didn't give her any reaction and took the liberty of lying on my bed silently and giving her no regard. I controlled the light in my room to turn off and started making my way to sleep.
After a few minutes, I heard Hana move her futon to the corner of the room. She was as far away from me as the boundary of the wall could take her, but her sobs were unmistakable and purposely audible. She kept muttered unintelligible words under her pillow and sob continuously before starting again.
My eyebrows twitched every time she made those wailing gasps. The noise could have been bearable. I was far used to sleeping in worse conditions. What I couldn't take was her sadness. It was hard to ignore how she wept with all her feelings there, and knowing that I'm the cause. All the little bits of care, and love I had in my heart, then and now, belongs to Hana. Shortly, without a clear plan projected, I sat and explained calmly to her. "They're not going to believe you even if you tell it to them, Hana. I hardly believe it myself." I looked to see if this changes anything. It doesn't. In contrast, she sobbed even stronger. "This is the reason why it was better when we weren't girlfriends. You are acting so annoying."
Hana moved and shifted her head. She abruptly stood up and walked adjacent to the frame of my bed.
"We don't even act like one Katja!" She shouted, surprising me. "You're still cold and distant and stingy with me. You don't even want other people to know that we're together." Her voice breaks down to a low volume and more tears talk for her pain.
She was right, I couldn't even make the effort of wearing her necklace more often.
"Well, hasn't it gone to your mind that maybe that's probably how I want things to be?" I said, carelessly. I didn't consider how those selfish slips of my mouth always cause her more pain. If I could time travel that would be one of the times I would go back to. I would slap my past self and tell her to shut up. Because that person she was hurting so much is going to be the most important person in her life. And she won't even know it because I was such a bitch when I still had the chance to tell it to her.
Hana looked downcast. There weren't any lights in the room, but the moonlight was enough to illuminate the thread of tears falling down on Hana's face.
"Hana" I cooed on her. I wanted her to answer back to me.
Come on Hana, tell me all your anger. Shout at me, curse me. Hurt me too!
The orange head opened and close her mouth multiple times. Always unable to say what she wanted.
"Hana," I said again.
"Le…let's just break-
"Please, sleep with me in the bed." I cut through her words. She didn't need to finish the sentence. I know what she wanted. She wanted it off. But I didn't. Even when it was still early in the progress and I didn't really know what I was doing at that time. I wanted to keep that relationship alive. Whether we or strictly I, am not acting like a real girlfriend, I didn't mind. I just wanted that title around.
Hana looked surprised. She looked harder at me. Examining if I was saying that, if I was serious. I move to the edge of the bed and tap the clear space beside me. "Come here, and sleep with me, Hana," I called for her, as sweet as I could.
"Really?" Hana's anger was washed like the wind. She was completely turned into this happy, enthusiastic being.
"Please." I mouth out, needing.
Hana moved quickly. She crawled from her side of the bed and was soon beside me.
"Katja – sama" She embraces me. "I will sleep with you," She said, filled with elevated happiness.
Uncomfortable and starting to regret my decision quickly, I push her off gently. "Just sleep Hana. No touching." Hana sighed but she did what I said. She shut her eyes and turned her back at me. I did the same.
The only sound left was the wood cricking and birds twitting outside. It was real silence and I was very close to dozing off when Hana whispered something into my ear.
"What?" I muttered with my drowsiness getting to me.
Another messy whisper.
I couldn't understand a single word she said, and I know that with Hana, she's not going to stop saying it until I turn around. I couldn't see where she was because of the darkness. But I felt her lips grazing mine. The softness, the warmth. It made me still.
I really ended up not moving. Back at that time, I thought I was just shocked, but now I know that I actually wanted it. The knotty feelings on my stomach back then, they weren't annoyance. They were desire. I desired Hana so much, but I didn't admit it.
Hana's lips pressed harder and then she kissed me three more times before saying, "Good night" and turning around again.
I was speechless and motionless. I didn't know how long. It was long enough to wait until Hana was already asleep in my bed. And then it strikes. Realization of what she did hits me and I kick her out of bed. She lands with a violent thud. Her scream wakes the daylight of the whole fortress.
The next day, Hana woke up with a painful hangover. She crawled-walk to my bed and slithered next to me, resting her head on my lap.
"Hey", She said. Her cheeks steamed red. Her lips were swollen and beat. For the past two years that I've seen her like this, it stabs me with sharp jealousy, but now, it overwhelms me with joy. These are my marks on her. I smiled at her, sadly.
She's forgotten about last night.
It doesn't matter, however.
I play with her hair, taking strands of it and circling it in my short, slender finger. She seemed to enjoy it, by the way she hummed sweet little moans.
"Good morning Hana," I said. I stretched my hand to the cup of coffee that I've prepared her at the side table. "Drink this, it will make you feel better."
Hana raises her head and smiles at me. Visions of countless mornings that started like this flash back in my head. My strength begins to drain but before the cup falls, Hana takes it from me and sits up. She sips quietly and I remained constant in the chore of bringing myself back to the present. "Thanks." Hana passes me back the cup and envelops my hand in the white mug. "But I think doing love with you will feel better." She added with her hands enveloping over my own. I look up at her with my face heating and my head light.
Hana grinned. "I wasn't that drunk to forget about it, you know."
- To be continued -