Chapter 7: am good snek
It was a beautiful September day, the sun shining on the great lake, the waters sparkling like diamonds as the wind blew the waves gently on the the shore. The sounds of the lapping water mixed with the cries of naked terror from a young witch perched on top of a broom and clinging to it like it was about to fall out of the sky.
"Oh come on Hermione, you just have to relax!" Ginny called, swooping around the other girl on her broom.
Hermione, for her part, was ashen faced. "B-b-b-b-but the w-w-w-water! I c-c-c-c-ould fall in!"
"Oh, the water's fine, see?" Ginny bent low over her broomstick, diving down and reaching out to with one hand. A wake rose behind her, and Ginny whooped with joy as she shot along the water's surface.
"That's not safe!" Hermione called. "What if something happens?"
Ginny of course, was too far away and making too much noise to hear. Suddenly, a black shape rose out of the water and slapped her, causing Ginny to plummet into the water.
"GINNY!" Hermione screamed, her own panic forgotten. She leaned forward and her broom shot downwards toward the foam and bubbles where her honorary sister had fallen. She hovered over the turbulent water, patting her robes frantically for her wand. Before she could find it, Ginny bobbed up to the surface and sputtered. "Oh thank God," Hermione gasped, reaching down and dragging the soggy girl onto the broom. Thankfully, she wasn't dressed in heavy robes, but a blouse and shorts that were far lighter.
"Bleh! Ugh. Thanks." Ginny shook her head. "Where's my broom?"
Hermione looked around, then spotted it bobbing on the surface a few feet away. "Here!" she flew over, and Ginny scooped it out of the water. With surprising agility, she hopped onto her own broom and took off to hover above Hermione. "You saved me there! And look, you seem to have gotten over your own fears as well!"
Hermione flushed, looking down and realizing that she was flying, and not utterly petrified. "Oh. I guess I did."
Ginny grinned. "Come on, I'm going to go dry off. We can go flying again later."
Hermione didn't notice the two gingers in the reeds shaking hands, nor the wink and wave Ginny sent in their direction.
"Proper prankster, our Gin-Gin," Fred (he was nearly sure he was Fred today) observed.
Probably George nodded. "Now if only we can get Hermione to join in the fun!"
"Well, I'm not entirely convinced she and Harry didn't cook up this whole Evil Lockhart thing as some elaborate prank."
"It is possible, but have you noticed how they squirm whenever he's looking at them?"
"True, true, almost as if they actually think-"
"- a capital fellow like that could be evil!"
Laughing together, Fred and George (whichever was which) trekked back towards the castle to plot their next grand prank.
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"I now call to order the first official meeting of the Stop our Professor's Evil Ways, or S.P.E.W., to order," Hermione declared, banging her gavel twice.
"Do I really have to be here?" Ron whispered, looking very uncomfortable as he glanced around the room. He was a bit out of place, though that fact had gone over Harry's head. Every single other student in the room was muggleborn, a half blood with a muggle parent, or had been raised by muggles, like Harry.
"Are you going to support me and Hermione or not?" Harry hissed back.
"Oh, fine. But I'm not wearing the stupid badge in public," Ron grumbled, fingering the gaudy yellow sunburst with SPEW emblazoned in red letters.
"Our first point of order is the oath. Repeat after me. I solemnly swear to oppose all Evil, to do no Evil in my own Defense, and to put an end to our Obviously Evil Professor."
After the oath, Justin Finch-Fletchley of Hufflepuff raised his hand, and was called upon. "Madam President, does that include Professor Snape? He looks pretty evil too."
There were murmurs of agreement, especially from the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs.
Hermione tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Hmm. Well, I suppose it depends. Has Snape ever tried to teach us to do anything evil or trick us into being evil?"
This topic run the course of the entire meeting, with much evidence given on either side. Finally, thanks to Penelope Clearwater, a muggleborn Ravenclaw prefect, pointing out that none of the potions were inherently evil, and could only be used for evil. "After all, can't much the same be said for a gun or a wand? In the end, it is the hand that wields a tool that makes it evil. But animating a corpse by calling upon the souls of the damned? That's just pure evil."
"What's a gun?" Ron asked, before blushing and covering his mouth.
The rest of the students in the room rolled their eyes.
"Pure bloods," Dean said sadly. "They are so ignorant."
"It's not my fault I don't know everything about muggle culture," Ron sulked.
Penelope rolled her eyes. "Wow. Thanks for summing up my experience in the wizarding world to date."
"The matter is settled. Professor Snape is, for now, to be considered not evil, but instead simply lacking in hygiene and manners. Meeting adjourned!" she banged her gavel, and everyone broke up into groups to wander away from their spot in an empty classroom near the dungeons, chatting between themselves happily.
"You lot are mad as march hares," Ron observed, shaking his head. "Thinking someone like Lockhart is evil but Snape isn't? I mean really, talk about missing the bloody obvious."
"It is good to see that your incredible skills of perception are as intact as ever, Mr Weasley," an acid voice observed.
Ron jumped about six feet into the air and nearly cracked his head on the low ceiling. Harry and Hermione turned, regarding Snape with serious expressions.
"Don't worry sir," Harry said. "Ron's just a bit daft because he hasn't been properly exposed to muggles."
Hermione nodded gravely. "Yes, the rest of us agreed that you were clearly just a strict teacher, not evil at all."
"Though we did have to convince some of the first year Gryffindors that being a Slytherin did not automatically make you evil, just potential minion material," Harry said.
Snape's lower left eyelid twitched twice. "I see. And what made you come to this decision?"
"Well sir, you might be harsh, but you don't let anyone get hurt in your class," Harry explained.
"Yes, and you won't let us use any of our potions improperly," Hermione agreed. "If it were Professor Lockhart, he'd be telling us the only real way to understand potions would be to try to off our lab partners with them."
"Shut up before you get us in more trouble!" Ron moaned, trying to edge away from the dark robed potions master.
Snape's dark eyes slid back and forth between Harry and Hermione, ignoring Ron. "So you have decided that I, unkempt and sinister though I am, am not, in fact, evil, because I know how to properly do my job and do, in fact, take my students welfare seriously. Whereas Gilderoy Lockhart, dashingly handsome and with a flair for the dramatic, world renowned monster hunter, who has no interest in doing his job well and seems to view student safety as a challenge to overcome, is, I surmise, the essence of evil?"
"Exactly!" Harry and Hermione said, beaming up at Snape.
"We decided that for you, it was all an act to get us to behave," Harry explained.
"But Lockhart's probably lying about everything and was actually in League with all those dark monsters the whole time," Hermione said darkly. "You know, I think I've found over 873 factual errors in his books already? We're going to have a group discussion on them next week." She held up a SPEW badge. "Would you like to join? We could really use some adult help in taking down this nefarious menace to our education, and immortal souls."
Snape reached out for the badge, and Ron groaned, certain he was going to rip it to shreds and give them all detention. Instead, Snape took it, and pinned it on the lapel of his robe. "Two points to Gryffindor, Mr. Potter-Weasley, Miss Granger-Weasley. For surprisingly sound reasoning and logic for a young pair of magical minds." With that, Snape stalked off deeper into the dungeon.
"Bloody hell. Snape's gone spare too," Ron said, sounding faint.
"I wonder if he had muggle parents?" Harry mused. "That would explain why he knew my mother growing up, she was muggleborn as well."
"You know, I really think this movement is going somewhere!" Hermione declared, flouncing off. "This calls for a celebration!" Ron perked up at that idea. "Let's go to the library and look up ways of defeating dark wizards."
Ron groaned. Ginny had promised she'd help with Hermione's idea of fun!
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\\/
Tom Riddle was, if he was going to be modest, the brightest, most intelligent, most powerful wizard of his age. NO! Of all time! Through his great skill and cunning, he had crafted a diary and with only a single murder of an ugly girl no one was going to miss anyway, created a complete copy of his IMMORTAL SOUL BWAHAHAHAHA-
Ehem. That is to say, had transferred a copy his consciousness into a diary that was also the key to his eternal life. Even now, he had within his grasp the power to once more copy himself into living flesh if only THIS INSOLENT WRETCH OF A GIRL WOULD COOPERATE!
Instead of wanting to learn about dark magics, how to secure popularity and power, how to influence others, this idiot girl just wanted to natter on about UTTER NONSENSE.
Dear Tom, what is it like not having a body? Do you itch? What do you do when you have to scratch it?
Dear Tom, I seem to have misplaced my pair of fuzzy pink socks. Do you know where they are?
Dear Tom, what do you think a Crumple Horned Snorkack likes to eat for dessert? I bet they like strawberry cream, it's my favorite.
The sheer impudence of the girl! Here she had access to the most amazing and wondrous mind to have ever been born, and she was treating him like a stupid magic eight ball that he'd taken from one of the wretches at the orphanage! Still, at least she was writing, if not as much as he would have liked. It was so very hard to properly begin to manipulate a mind.
Especially one that was as barmy as this girls. And here Tom had thought Dumbledore was odd. He was practically boring compared this bird.
Still, in addition to being charming, handsome, and intelligent, Tom was also patient. And he could wait.
He was looking forward to sucking the life from this witches bones, if only because she was so irritating.
Dear Tom, did you lose your mother too? Does the pain ever really go away? I'm still scared sometimes. Will the nightmares ever go away?
Dear Tom, did you ever have trouble making friends? No one ever wants to talk to me, and all the other students won't sit with me at meals. I act like it doesn't hurt when they make fun of me, but it really does.
Dear Tom, what do you do when your father doesn't seem to remember you exist? Since mum died, I can't remember the last time he said he loved me or hugged me. Sometimes I wish I was a magical animal so he'd be more interested in me.
See? Utter banality.
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Halloween came before anyone even realized it, and once again the Weasley gang celebrated in high style. Hermione, Harry having admitted to her he'd always secretly wanted to dress up for Halloween, organized a costume showdown, with everyone working furiously on their costumes. Percy ended up going as a extremely accurate (and in everyone else's opinion, highly boring) Ulick Gamp, complete with period wig and ruffles. He received two votes; one from Harry, who was still Percy's new favorite brother, and one from Hermione, who actually thought his costume was extremely clever.
Fred and George did a double costume as a chimera, which they had sewn together out of old robes. It was a bit patchy, but they did have flapping wings. The highlight though was two potions they'd invented that allowed one of them to breath fire and the other to spit acid. After Percy extinguished the fire and made the twins clean up the unholy mess they'd made of the desk they'd spat acid at, everyone but Hermione and Percy agreed they had an excellent costume, earning them three votes.
Ginny dressed in a replica uniform of the Holyhead Harpies that she'd secretly had her mother make for her last summer, complete with her own number and name. It had been a bit small on her now, but Mrs. Weasley had helpfully enlarged it before sending it off to school upon request. She also hovered on her broom a bit, but the empty classroom they were using was too small for any really interesting maneuvering. Percy was unimpressed, but everyone else thought it was an excellent costume and gave Ginny their vote, earning her five points.
Ron, being an imaginative and creative sort, had dressed up as Godric Gryffindor. It mostly consisted of a wooden sword he'd made with Hagrid's help, and he lept about the improvised stage, shouting and slaying foes with a replica sorting hat on his head. However, it looked like so much fun that Fred and George conjured wooden swords for everyone, and an impromptu mock battle was held on stage that even Percy participated in. In the end, everyone agreed they'd vanquished the Slytherins. Ron, however, only got four points because Ginny was sore at him because he'd whacked her upside the head in the battle, and Hermione said she couldn't give such a low effort costume her ballot. He took it in good stride however, rather pleased that his brothers had all enjoyed themselves so much.
For Hermione's turn, she had enchanted a crystal necklace to glow, made some long, pointed ears, had Ginny help her do her hair up in a very fancy braid down her back, and enchanted a gown to ripple like it was made of puddled moonlight. "Who are you?" Ron demanded, his eyes going slightly wide as he gapped at Hermione in her costume.
"Im am Arwen Undómiel, -iel -o Eldrond Halfelven, i evening tinu," Hermione replied in a singsong voice. When everyone just gaped at her, Hermione sighed. "I am Arawen Undomiel, daughter of Eldrond Halfelven, the Evening Star." That also failed to get a reaction out of anyone. "Oh come on, you have to have heard of Arawen! She's the bride of Aragorn Elessar, King of Gondor. You know, from Lord of the Rings?" Crickets. "I'm a pretty elf from a story I love to read."
"Oohhhhh," everyone else said. Hermione got the full six votes. Despite the fact that her honorary family were a bunch of orcs.
Harry disappeared for a bit to put on his costume, needing Hermione's help to change into it. She came back out, cast a nox charm, and produced a record she placed on a magical player. After a moment, a crashing orchestral piece sounded, and then a dark shape loomed in the shadows. An odd, raspy breathing could be heard, and there were cries of appreciation from the audience. Then Harry muttered, "lumos" under the breathing, and his wand illuminated in the special red glass tube he and Hermione had constructed. In the glowing red light a black armored figure with a skeletal face appeared.
"I have you now," Harry rasped, clenching his gauntleted fist. Hermione made appropriate choking noises and clawed at her throat. "You are no match for the power of the dark side!" Harry laughed, his voice distorted by the spell he and Hermione had devised.
"No, stop, what are you doing!" A half panicked Ron cried. He lifted his wand and pointed it at Harry, trembling. "You're evil, how'd you turn evil! Where's Harry!"
Hermione's choking quickly turned into laughter. Darth Harry removed his helmet and grinned. "No, see, I'm Darth Vader. He's a villain in some muggle movies. Pretty good, eh? Oh, sorry, still sound evil. Finite! There, that's better."
"I have to admit, with that armor and cloak and that red sword thing, you do look pretty evil," Percy mused. "An excellent costume."
"Love the prank," Fred added.
George nodded, grinning broadly. "Ickle Ronnikins almost pissed himself!"
"Did not!" Protested Ron. "But it was a good costume mate."
"I liked it. Nice and scary. You should wear it to the feast!" Ginny said.
"Speaking of which, we really should be going, we're late as it is," Percy said.
Even Fred and George went out in their costume, though they had to rip it in half so that they didn't need to waddle along together.
"Easy enough to fix."
"Just a little wandwork."
As they trooped through the hall though, Harry suddenly took off his helmet and shut off the small valve that was making the breathing noises. "Shh. Do you hear that?"
I am darkness
I am snek
I boops the mudbloods
Such petrifying, very wow
"Something's talking in the walls," Harry said, tilting his head to the side.
"Probably just a ghost," Fred said, slapping Harry on the back. "Ignore it, they like to spook you on Halloween."
Somewhat mollified, Harry continued on, despite the fact that the sinister murmurs were getting louder, and rather frightening him.
Very hungry
Snek needs foods
Is teh kittehs foods?
Aww. Kittehs petrified, no foods
Supreme Danger Noodle Awwwaaaaayyyy!
"Alright Harry?" Percy said, pausing to wait for his youngest brother.
Harry shuddered. "It's those ghosts whispers. They're really odd."
Cocking his head to one side, Percy frowned. "I can't hear anything, except for dripping water. Are you sure you hear a voice?"
"Yeah, it's talking about killing and eating something. I think. I don't know, it's very strange," Harry said, shuddering slightly. He put his helmet back on. "Maybe this will block it out."
Percy nodded, but looked concerned. If Harry was hearing voices, that wasn't a good sign.
"Dammit George, someone beat us to it!"
"Oh bloody hell," Percy swore, and broke into a run. Up ahead, their siblings were all standing in front of a large puddle of water, above which hung a perfectly still Mrs. Norris, the bane of Fred and George's existence.
"Think it was Peeves?" Fred wondered aloud.
"Nah, he'd have let us in on it if he had a plan."
"Look!" Ginny said, pointing to the side. Crimson letters could be seen.
"Enemies of the heir beware," Hermione read, her voice still taking on the singsong lilt of her costume. "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened."
"Beware of what though?" Ron said, scratching his forehead with his wooden sword.
"You little maggots!" Everyone jumped and whirled to see Argus Filch, his face red with rage storming towards them. "Oh, I've got you now. They'll HAVE to let me lock you in irons for a week! What have you done to my cat?"
"Sadly, we cannot take credit for this particular bit of brilliance," George said, sounding wistful.
Fred nodded sagely. "Sorry Filcher, love to take the credit, but we didn't do the work."
"You lying ugly weasels!" Filch roared, leaping towards the twins.
Percy stepped in the way, holding out a calming hand. "Sir, please, calm down. I've been with these two the entire night at a family event. They're entirely innocent. Well, of this anyway."
"I'll have them on the rack! We'll see if they don't confess once we add an inch or two!" Filch howled, trying to force Percy aside.
"Leave them alone you horrid old codger!" Ginny shrieked, kicking at Filch when he tried to grab at the grinning twins.
The door to the Great Hall burst open, those inside having heard the commotion. There was a sudden gasp.
"Darth Vader is real?!"
That brought Filch up short, and he turned to stare at Harry, who promptly turned on his respirator. "What's this nonsense then? Where's your uniforms?" Filch demanded, stalking toward Harry now.
Harry lit his wand again and held up his hand. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
There was a cheer from the muggleborn students, the sight of the crimson letters and the petrified cat forgotten at the sight of a miniature Darth Vader confronting the hated caretaker.
"That is not what I find disturbing," Professor Dumbledore said as he strode forward, frowning at the cat and the letters. "Harry, what are you doing?"
"The Weasley's have killed my cat!" Filch cried, pointing up at Mrs. Norris.
"No we didn't," Ginny said, glaring up at Filch. "We didn't do anything to your stupid cat."
"Sort of wish we had though," Fred and George said together.
Draco peeked in, drawn by the commotion. Spotting the words, he let out a cry. "Ha! You Weasleys will be next! You're all blood traitors!"
"You are a part of the Rebel Alliance and a Traitor!" Harry said, pointing his glowing lightsaber wand at Draco, who backed off, looking completely baffled.
"Enough!" Dumbledore snapped. "The cat is not dead, but petrified. The feast is over. Everyone, return to your dorms at once."
"But we haven't had supper!" Ron said, looking very mournful. "We were just having a costume contest and were a bit late."
Harry yanked off his mask. "Yeah professor Dumbledore we-, oh sorry, let me turn that off. We were just having some fun and we found the cat. Surely we can still eat?"
"Not tonight," Dumbledore said firmly. "The kitchen staff will send food up to all the dormitories for those still hungry. Now, away with you all."
There were groans of disappointment, but several muggleborn students came up to Harry, begging him to let them touch his lightsaber. All in all, no one took things very seriously. And no one noticed that Luna Lovegood was wandering through the whole thing, barefoot and coated in stray feathers with blood stained fingertips. After all, she was Loony Lovegood. If even the Weasleys were dressing oddly that night, who was going to care about Luna?
And that was the problem. No one did.
Authors Note:
A special thanks to Avaday_Daydream and the denizens of reddit and /r/hpfanfiction for inspiring snek basilisk, the Supreme Danger Noodle.