A/N:

...-peeks head from around a corner- Hiiii...

I am so, SO sorry for the three and a half week break. But with school starting back, getting engaged (YAY!), starting the wedding planning process, and then having a giant family blow out (yeah, not fun -_-) I haven't had the time or the peace of mind to just sit down and write. But I had the chance today (happy Labor Day, everyone!) so I decided to take it. It's not quite as long, but it covers what needs to be covered right now. I hope Raph's enjoyed the last few days of psychological peace, because it's all about to go down the toilet.

Surviving suicide messes with you, man.

So anyways, enjoy! I'll try not to take as long next time. :)

- Haley

The rest of the day and the day after that were pretty much the most relaxing days Raphael had had in a while.

Around this time the first time around, Raphael would have been storming out of his Sensei's room and heading out to find Casey to tell him about the huge, freaky statues that he and his brothers had seen the night before. But since April and Casey were there to help him and his brothers after they got injured, they found out anyway. April retold her story of Yaotl: the guy from 3000 years ago who set the monsters free and turned his siblings into stone. Raph and Leo simply made eye contact while the rest of the group listened intently, hanging on her story by every word. It was easier for Raph to pay attention this time, though. Last time, the drugs were still draining from his system.

It was around 1:30 in the morning. Splinter had been asleep in his room for hours. Raph was sitting in the recliner, his shell and chest covered by a large bandage, while Michelangelo laid on the couch, Donatello worked on his computer in the corner (using only his good hand), and Leonardo ran around all mother-hen and annoying-like to make sure everybody was okay. Casey had passed out in the other recliner and April was sitting on the floor with her back against the couch when she suddenly let out a very large yawn.

Leo being Leo, immediately went to her side and put a hand on her shoulder. "Ape, it's late. You and Casey have been more than enough help, but you guys need rest too. Why don't you head on home?"

April looked at him with bleary, skeptical eyes. "Are you sure?" Her voice cracked. "We could go sleep in one of your rooms so we can stay close by."

"Hey, I don't want no bozo sleepin' in my room," Raph interrupted, jutting a thumb toward Casey. Right on cue, the acclaimed "bozo" snored as loudly and obnoxiously as humanly possible. Raph smirked and went back to watching the end of Rocky III, but he could practically hear Leo smile as his big brother patted April on the back. "We're sure. You can stop by tomorrow if it makes you feel better."

April finally nodded. The girl could barely keep her eyes open anymore. She sluggishly got up and shook Casey. "Casey... Case."

Casey jumped like she had shocked him, but April wasn't fazed by the sudden movement. "What? Was' goin' on? Did I miss somethin'?"

"No, we're just going home. You're driving." April tossed him the keys and waved as she and her cave man left. "Night, guys."

"Night, April," three voices rang out: Donnie's, Leo's, and Raph's. Mikey was passed out.

"Don, I think you should get some rest, too," Raph heard Leo say from behind. "You haven't slept at all since we got home."

"I know, but I just have a little more work to do," Don replied, his three fingers moving quickly across the keyboard. "If I can just hack into the Winters' database, I might be able to access all of his files, security systems, email histories-"

"I think that can wait until morning, Donatello," Leo said patiently. Donnie sighed, knowing he wasn't going to win this battle. "Fine. Just make sure nobody touches he computer."

"Wouldn't dream of it." There was the scuffling and mumbling from a certain purple banded genius as he made his way upstairs and into his room, but as soon as the door clicked, Raph could just picture Don collapsing onto his bed.

The credits for Rocky began to roll just as Leo plopped down in the recliner where Casey had been sitting. Raphael raised an eyebrow at his big brother. "What, you're not gonna make me go to bed too?"

Leo just shook his head, eyes remaining on the screen. "Nah, not yet." Raph rolled his eyes, but smirked a little. Leo looked down at his hands. "Actually, there was, uh... Something I wanted to talk to you about." Raph immediately tensed.

Oh God.

Did Leo know Raphael killed himself?

Raph didn't think Master Splinter would squeal on him, especially after making such a big deal about how Raph should tell Leonardo himself. So then what was this about?

Turning to get a good look at Leo, Raph saw that the oldest turtle actually looked pretty nervous. He was literally twiddling his thumbs. Who does that?

"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, I guess," Leo admitted. Raph blinked. Leo just continued, "I know I apologized back in the tunnel that night for...everything, but I really am sorry for coming down on you all the time." Raph shifted uncomfortably. He hated these kinds of talks.

"And...I'm sorry for last night," Leo sighed, rubbing at his eyes with his thumb and index finger briefly. Raphael couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. So that's what this was about. "This was all my fault. If we had just done what we had done before, none of you would've gotten hurt."

"Woah, woah, woah," Raph interrupted, squinting his eyes. "It's not like you knew what was gonna happen. None of us did. Would we have been better off doin' it like before? Sure. But we weren't gonna know unless we tried. Right?"

Leo sighed again. "Yeah, I guess."

Raphael watched him for a moment longer, an inner battle waging inside himself. Should he just tell Leo about the suicide? Now was as good a chance as he was ever gonna get. "Listen, Leo, since we're, uh...apologizin' and all, I just wanted to say-"

"You have nothing to apologize for," Leo smirked sadly, shaking his head. "And even if you did, you took a killing blow for me, Raphael. If that doesn't say 'I'm sorry,' I don't know what does."

"Yeah, but Leo, you don't know everything. I-"

A long, obnoxious, mood-killing groan came from Michelangelo. Of course. Leave it to Mike to ruin Raph's perfect chance to fix things with his brother for good.

Mikey ended up just turning over and goimg right back to sleep. Raph and Leo looked at each other, frozen, before breaking out into grins and chuckling quietly. Raph had to admit it was nice. When's the last time they had just been able to breathe without pissing each other off, much less laugh together?

"Listen, Raph," Leo said, getting Raphael's attention once more. "Whatever it is, let's just forget it ever happened, alright?"

Raph paused for a long moment. This wouldn't be the end of this conversation; not by a long shot. But maybe tonight just wasn't the best time. Besides, how could he wipe that stupid, sappy smile off his brother's face?

"Yeah, alright."

Leo nodded once and then stood. "Good. Now let's get you in bed."

Raph groaned but didn't argue as Leo came over and helped him up. Then the big brother put an arm around his younger and helped him up the stairs.

And the whole time, all Raphael could think was, how the hell am I supposed to do this now?