WARNING: Chapter contains mature/sensitive content, so please read at your own discretion! Author's note + disclaimers/explanations are at the end (as always). Much love~
Chapter song: "Safe And Sound" Ft. The Civil Wars by Taylor Swift
"I remember tears streaming down your face when I said, 'I'll never let you go,' when all those shadows almost killed your light."
"I remember you said, 'Don't leave me here alone,' but all that's dead and gone and passed tonight."
"Just close your eyes, the sun is going down; you'll be alright, no one can hurt you now."
Ruman woke to the putrid smell of lake water and dirt on her pillow, in her hair, and along her skin.
The sun was high outside.
Although all she wanted to do was rot in bed and sleep her sorrows away, the gag-inducing odor surrounding her bed was too overbearing to ignore.
Ruman groaned and slid out of bed into her hospital slippers, lifelessly dragging her feet to the washroom.
She stripped herself of the mud-stained hospital gown and stepped into the shower, turning the water on.
The sharp pellets of water hitting her skin brought her back to last night, when she thought she would just let herself drown and die in the very lake she'd trained at so many times since childhood.
How silly of me, thinking life would just let me off the hook that easily.
It obviously hasn't had its fun yet.
Feeling a nauseous pain in her stomach, Ruman keeled over in the shower and crouched, hugging her knees to her chest.
She breathed heavily, trying to collect herself.
Instead, she was overcome with sadness and anger.
Hot showers always felt like an escape to her—the water washed away every worry, and cleansed her of everything she felt tainted her.
But it didn't feel like that today.
Today, each droplet of water made her whole being feel heavier with torment.
Each droplet increased her faint desire to drown in something. Anything.
She felt helpless, useless, and meaningless.
The loud sprinkling against the bathroom walls drowned out Ruman's cries as the water washed away the tears streaming down her face.
Nobody would hear her.
Ruman sat in her bed, back against the headboard, staring aimlessly at the blank wall across the room.
She wondered what it felt like to be an inanimate object—no feelings, no emotions, no pain.
Ruman felt conflicted.
Why couldn't she remember what happened before she was stabbed?
She knew she sacrificed herself for Sai in the moment, and she wouldn't change a single thing she did.
Ruman would willingly give up all she had to protect someone dear to her, but she never thought the price she paid would be so ruthless.
Rather than simply letting her die, life decided it wanted her to live without a purpose.
Life decided it wanted to take away the most important thing to her, without even the smallest chance of redemption.
The more she grappled with the idea of life and death, the angrier Ruman grew.
Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't she save herself and Sai in the moment?
Why was she so incompetent that she could neither end her life cleanly nor escape safely, but, rather, be stuck in this awful in-between that now dictated the rest of her life?
Ruman looked down at her freshly washed arm, her hair still damp from the shower.
The bare skin of her left arm was still a light shade of red from the heat of the water, and Ruman traced her fingers along the faint scars that have now faded with time.
One, two, three.
She counted the neat lines stacked above one another, each a few centimeters apart.
Ruman recalled the first time she'd ever brought a blade against her own skin.
She was eleven.
Feeling unwanted and isolated, she didn't know how, but at the time that she felt that she deserved to be punished.
And so she took it upon herself to do so.
Ruman slowly drew her index finger along the second scar—the longest, most prominent line.
Twelve years old.
For some reason, at such a young age, she was able to feel so worthless and unqualified as a ninja that she'd managed to commit self-inflicted pain again.
How incredibly sad.
Lastly, Ruman rubbed the shortest, faintest scar, farthest from her wrist up her arm.
Thirteen.
She didn't even remember that one, except being interrupted and snapping out of it, realizing she knew better than to hurt herself.
Ruman only remembered crying as she made each of those cuts, feeling so undeserving of love and anything good in the world; she'd repressed most of the darkest memories from years ago, as she moved on and learned to cherish what she had—as she learned to love.
How naive.
That was the year she joined Team 7, which would change her life forever.
But things were different now.
She couldn't even be a part of the team that saved her from herself, let alone protect it.
She grit her teeth together as hot tears cascaded down her face and onto the blankets over her legs.
Why me?
Ruman's right hand tightened its grip on her left arm, until her knuckles turned a visible shade of white.
Why… me?
She dug her fingernails into her forearm, as pain seared through it.
Why?
Pale flakes of skin began to peel off as Ruman dragged her nails across her skin, miniscule drops of blood rising to the surface.
It's not fair.
Ruman muffled her cries as she buried her head into her blankets, weeping.
It was getting harder to breathe.
She was overcome with fury, confusion, and bitterness.
Why did this happen to her? Why couldn't she just live peacefully for once?
She deepened her hold on her arm, as the tiny drops of blood grew slightly larger in size, oozing out of the scratches she made on her flesh.
Why is this happening?
She couldn't even think rationally anymore.
"Ruman, stop."
Ruman's head snapped up at the familiar voice, face covered in tears and tangled hair.
In the doorway stood a calm Shikamaru with his hands in his pockets, staring at her.
As he walked towards her bed, Ruman quickly wiped her tears and snot with the sleeve of her new hospital gown.
She didn't want Shikamaru to have to see her like this.
"You look terrible," he commented as he reached her bed.
"I hate you," she said, still wiping her tears.
Shikamaru was probably the only friend who'd greet her in such a way without consequence, since usually Naruto would probably get hit or threatened.
Ruman knew Shikamaru was right though; her eyes and face were puffy from crying for days, and her dry, chapped lips along with disheveled, knotty hair probably didn't help her image.
Shikamaru plopped down into the chair next to her bed, and studied her closely.
Ruman looked away—she couldn't even meet his eye or look at him directly.
"I heard about it," he said.
Ruman bit her lip so hard she thought it was going to bleed.
She didn't want to start crying again, but every time she was reminded of how her dream was being torn away from her, she couldn't help but want to grieve.
Shikamaru sighed.
"It's not like everything's over, Ruman," he reasoned. "Aren't you glad you're alive, at least?"
That was her tipping point.
"But everything is over, Shikamaru," she whimpered, burying her head into her hands. "Yeah sure, I'm alive, but I'm over. I'm useless now. I have nothing."
"Yeah right," Shikamaru responded exasperatedly. "Can you be a bit more open-minded for once?"
Ruman's right hand made its way back to her left arm, wanting to rip it apart.
She was stopped by Shikamaru firmly grabbing her wrist.
"Don't."
His eyes widened ever-so-slightly as he took in the sight: the three scars lined neatly above one another, and the new scratches Ruman had made before he walked in.
Ruman's heart sped up, as she was on the verge of panicking.
She felt so vulnerable in front of Shikamaru with her usually-bandaged-arm exposed, but she didn't know he was coming to see her, and didn't have time to bandage her arm before he saw her.
How would he react? Would he think she was crazy? Would he be disgusted? Would he think she was sick? Would he be angry?
To her surprise, Shikamaru said nothing.
He simply got up and walked to the cabinet in the corner of the room, where Sakura always stored all the first aid supplies.
Ruman could only sit in anticipation.
Once Shikamaru came back, he sat down and took Ruman's scratched up arm into his lap.
Without a word, he swiftly took out the familiar bandages and began to unravel it.
Ruman watched in silence, as neither of them said a word.
Shikamaru first wiped her cuts clean of the blood as she winced—Ruman didn't realize how roughly she'd scraped herself when she was alone.
He then familiarly applied a bit of ointment onto each scratch, and began to wrap the long, white bandage around her forearm, starting at her wrist, where her scars were.
Ruman could feel his concentration on her skin as she watched his eyes follow the bandage through his eyelashes.
After biting off the end and sealing the bandage, Shikamaru nonchalantly placed her arm back onto her lap.
"You should focus on getting better," he said simply, leaning back in his chair.
"Okay."
Something about her friendship with Shikamaru was always so unspoken, but genuine. He always acted aloof, like everything was a hassle or he didn't care, but his heart was always in the right place, and he would always make the best decision in the end.
They sat quietly for a few minutes.
To break the silence, Ruman asked, "How has training been going lately? How are Choji and Ino?"
"They're good," he answered. "Ino's been getting on my back about going to practice though."
Shikamaru sighed while Ruman rolled her eyes at his signature annoyed expression upon hearing his answer.
"I can't even train if I wanted to," she complained, trying to lighten the mood. "Are you trying to make me feel bad right now?"
A sweat bead formed on Shikamaru's forehead as he laughed nervously.
"No no no," he claimed, scooting his chair a little farther from Ruman's bed should she decide to punch him. "I'll go tomorrow."
"Good."
Ruman was glad Shikamaru wasn't making a big deal out of anything, even though after seeing her scars, he probably now fully understood how much she'd struggled when she was younger, and how hard it was for her now.
She found solace in his presence alone, and someone as lazy as him taking time out of his day to come visit her, despite everything being troublesome, was enough.
Yes, it would be tough from here, as her days seemed to be filled one after another with grief—but at least she knew she wouldn't be alone.
She had built all these friendships from the ground and cherished them more than anything, and she wasn't about to take any of them for granted.
But sometimes, she did need a reminder every so often.
I am not alone.
Shikamaru stayed to keep Ruman company, and although she's known him for years now, it never failed to surprise her how long he could put up with her.
Constantly feeling like a burden to other people, Ruman would never not be grateful for friends who stayed by her side when she needed them, even though she knew that's what friends do.
"So how'd you get back last night?" Shikamaru asked, after Ruman described what happened when she tried to walk on water with chakra at the lake.
"Neji… carried me," Ruman admitted, ashamed and embarrassed.
Shikamaru raised his eyebrow.
"I'm surprised he didn't just drop you and run," he smirked. "You must have smelled nasty after falling into the water."
"Still better than you," Ruman retorted, reaching over her bed to slap him as he quickly dodged.
But Ruman was glad Shikamaru brought Neji up.
"I was too busy bawling my eyes out to even say anything to him," she confessed, feeling guilty. "I'm pretty sure he helped clean up my mess when we got back to the hospital room before leaving too, and I just straight up fell asleep… wow I'm kind of terrible."
"Yup, you are," Shikamaru agreed in response.
"Oh, stop it," she snapped.
Their banter went back and forth for a while, until the day slowly grew darker, and the sun began to set.
Ruman updated Shikamaru on everything that's happened to her lately, and he told her stories of the missions he'd gone on while she wasn't around.
Although it felt like Ruman had been gone for ages—as she did take a trip to death's door and back—she still felt grounded, and lived through Shikamaru's little tales.
No one seems to ever be able to outsmart him.
It never ceased to amaze her how incredibly intelligent he was, how far he could think ahead, and how modest he was about it.
Recognizing that the day was coming to an end and Shikamaru had his own life to get back to, Ruman asked slowly, "Do you have to go now?"
Checking the clock, he groaned, "Yeah, my mom really wants me to be home for dinner today."
"Okay," Ruman pouted.
She never liked watching her friends leave, as she really enjoyed their company, but she knew everyone had other things to do.
"Thanks for visiting me," she grinned earnestly.
"I don't have anything better to do," Shikamaru yawned, getting up from his chair.
Liar. You're always busy these days.
"Take care of yourself," he added, turning to leave.
Ruman saw his eyes graze over her arm for a split second.
"Yeah, yeah."
As Shikamaru headed towards the door, he returned the first aid supplies to the cabinet in the corner of room first, then proceeded to exit.
"I'll see you later," he called over his shoulder, helping Ruman turn on the lights in her room before closing the door behind him.
Once Ruman was alone in the room again, she took a deep breath and exhaled; her heavy heart felt much lighter after talking to Shikamaru for so long, and she actually began to feel sleepy.
She slid deeper under her covers until she was fully laying down, and hugged the blankets to her chest.
Maybe I'll be able to sleep a little better now.
Neji made his way up the stairs to Ruman's hospital room, contemplating what Kakashi-sensei had told him earlier in the day.
Neji had been on a brief mission since dawn and just returned a little before noon, when Sakura approached him to deliver the message that Kakashi-sensei was looking for him.
Neji had gone immediately, even before eating lunch, in case Kakashi-sensei had something urgent to say.
Thoughts interrupted by reaching Ruman's room, Neji stopped outside the door, hesitant to slide it open.
He mulled over his and Kakashi-sensei's brief meeting from a few hours ago.
"Kakashi-sensei," Neji greeted politely, curious as to why the experienced shinobi was looking for him.
"Neji," Kakashi nodded in return, grinning through his one visible eye. "How are you?
"You know," Kakashi continued, "we're both Jōnin, which means we stand as equals now—you don't have to keep calling me 'sensei.'"
"It's only respectful," Neji replied humbly. "You and Gai-sensei are the same generation, and you've also taught us so much as a teacher, so it's only natural I continue to use honorifics; I still have much to learn."
"Oh Neji, gracious as always," Kakashi praised. "'Same generation…' Now why does that make me feel so old?"
Neji simply smiled civilly in response, as Kakashi scratched his head.
"Well, I don't want to keep you guessing as to why I called you here today," Kakashi announced, getting down to business. "I asked Sakura who Ruman's closest friends were outside of Team 7, and she said you two spent quite some time together training, is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," Neji affirmed, wondering why Kakashi-sensei was bringing Ruman up.
"I'm sure you've heard about her condition?"
Neji stiffened.
"Yes."
"The thing is," Kakashi began, "I want you to look out for her."
Neji raised his eyebrow.
"Is she in danger?" he asked calmly.
"You see… Ruman's been hurt," Kakashi started to explain. "But not by enemies—I don't know when it started, when it ended, or even if it's ended at all, but I can't deny that I'm concerned about her."
He tried to describe the situation in the vaguest way possible, without being too vague.
Luckily for Kakashi, Neji was quick to interpret his words as his expression grew sullen.
Neji's head spun a little bit as he tried to wrap his mind around the depth of Kakashi-sensei's words.
What's happening…, he brooded. Ruman, what have you done?
"You can see why I wouldn't want to tell Naruto or Sakura, as they're Ruman's teammates, so things can get complicated," Kakashi described. "But it's also a little difficult for me to confront her about it, since I'm her sensei."
Neji recognized what he was trying to say.
"I'm not saying to watch her like a criminal, but just… keep an eye out for her," Kakashi clarified. "You already saw what she'd do on her own last night."
Neji's eyes narrowed, remembering the image he'd seen of Ruman plunging into the lake, not even questioning how Kakashi-sensei knew about that.
"I understand," Neji articulated. "Is there really nothing we can do—"
"I've asked myself that thousands of times already," Kakashi sighed. "But life works in a funny way like that. This is a traumatic experience for Ruman, so the least we can do for her is to be there, and not let her hurt herself any more than she already has been hurt."
Neji grew silent, face solemn.
"Alright."
"Thank you," Kakashi smiled, lightening up the mood. "I appreciate it."
"Of course," Neji expressed. "Ruman's just as important to me as she is to everyone else."
"I'm counting on you then."
Collecting himself, Neji stood up straighter and knocked briskly on the door of Ruman's hospital room.
"Come in," her familiar voice called.
Neji smoothly slid the door open and stepped into her room, relieved to see that Ruman had cleaned herself up since last night, and wasn't rotting in dirty lake water in bed.
"Hey," she grinned, sitting up.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" Neji asked, noticing the bed covers pulled up her body.
"No," she reassured. "I was going to take a nap since I had nothing better to do, but it looks like there's a change of plans."
Neji just smiled.
He held up the basket in his right hand.
"I brought dinner."
Ruman couldn't hide the beam that spread across her still slightly puffy face, but, in all honesty, she was too hungry to notice.
It felt like it's been centuries since she had something to look forward to.
"What is it?" she asked eagerly, trying to peer into the basket.
"Calm down," Neji chided. "It's sushi; I thought it'd be less harsh on your stomach and easier to eat—not to mention less messy too."
"Woooow," Ruman cooed. "So considerate."
"It's hard not to be considerate after you chewed me out last year for being so oblivious to people's feelings," Neji chuckled.
Ruman snickered.
"Well it obviously did the trick."
As Neji sat down and began to unload the contents of the basket, he commented, "You sound a lot better today."
"Yeah, Shikamaru stopped by earlier and we talked for a good amount of time," Ruman explained, eyeing all the sushi Neji brought. "I think it's nice just for me to talk to someone, y'know?"
"I know," he agreed mindlessly, still unpacking the food.
"Thanks for last night," Ruman murmured suddenly, catching Neji off guard.
He paused for a split second before resuming.
"Don't worry about it."
Relieved that he wasn't upset about her completely disregarding him despite what he did for her yesterday, Ruman decided to start the meal with a piece of inari—she always found the sweet and salty tofu skin paired with the sushi rice particularly enticing.
"Itadakimasu~" she sang, taking a bite of her food.
"Itadakimasu," Neji echoed with his eyes closed, then opening them to pick up a piece of nigiri.
"So what'd you do today?" Ruman asked casually while chewing.
"I went on a mission at dawn," Neji disclosed, gracefully putting the piece of sushi into his mouth. "There was someone terrorizing a small village, but it actually turned out to be the village leader's son with a gang of hooligans."
"So they dragged the great Hyūga Neji out of Konoha just to capture a few irrelevant goons?" she giggled.
"Well, a good deed done is a good deed more," he laughed. "At least the villagers can sleep peacefully tonight."
Ruman and Neji conversed over the satisfying dinner, as the both of them had barely eaten throughout the day.
Once they'd finished eating and cleaned up a little bit, Neji decided to bring up what's been bugging him this whole time.
"Ruman," he started, as she perked up. "Are you hurt anywhere?"
This time it was Ruman who was caught off guard.
"Well, I mean other than the emotional pain and grief I'm going through from being forced to throw away all I've ever known and worked for, I'd say I'm fine," she lied, hoping the sarcasm would distract Neji from noticing the fresh bandages on her arm.
But he noticed.
Neji noticed everything.
His eyes drifted over to her right arm as she tried to sneakily slide it under her covers.
"Let me see your arm," he ordered.
"Why? There's nothing wrong with it," she protested.
"That's not how you tie usually your bandages," he accused.
"Well yeah, Shikamaru came in earlier and helped me wrap my arm since he was here anyway," she quickly insisted.
"Ruman," he interrupted. "My Byakugan is all-seeing—are you going to show me your arm, or do you want me to activate them and see through your bandages myself?"
Ruman fell silent and looked down, not daring to meet his eyes.
Watching her intently, Neji slowly but steadily reached over the bed to gently take hold of her wrist.
She felt so fragile, Neji was almost afraid he'd break her if he made any sudden movements.
But she didn't object.
Turning her arm over, Neji unwound her bandages, bit by bit.
His fingers quivered slightly.
As the cloth unraveled itself, it revealed Ruman's bare forearm.
She felt so exposed. So vulnerable.
Why were two people she cared about both finding about this in the same day?
Neji paled at what he saw.
The three unmistakable scars of cuts on her wrist taunted him, and the fresh scratches on her forearm told him exactly how well she'd been coping with the news—not well.
Neji clenched and unclenched his jaw.
"Tell me how I can help you," he muttered, voice just barely trembling.
It took all the strength he had in his body to not shake with anger and sadness for Ruman—he couldn't understand how someone could bring harm to their own skin, but he knew scolding her wouldn't help a single thing.
That's not what she needed right now.
When he looked back up at her, Neji almost regretted confronting her in this way.
Tears rolled relentlessly down her cheeks, as she bit her lip to hold any crying noises in.
"Tell me how I can help you," he said again, more gently.
"I don't know, Neji," she blurted, visibly sobbing now. "I want to know how to help me too; I want to know how I can have my life back. I want to know how I can be a ninja again. I want to know how to not be worthless."
"Ruman, not being able to be a ninja doesn't make you worthless," he persuaded.
"It's all I had, Neji."
"Think of the most important thing in your life, right now, in this moment," she challenged through tears.
Most important thing in my life? Neji wondered.
He'd never really thought about that question in that way before.
Although he probably should say Hinata, since it was his duty to protect the head branch of the Hyūga clan, in this moment, all he could see was Ruman before his eyes, whimpering and vulnerable.
"Now think about that being taken away from you," Ruman croaked. "You can't do a damn thing about it; you just watched it vanish before your eyes, and without it, you feel like you don't have a purpose. I'm not blaming you for anything, but can you imagine how I'm feeling inside right now?"
"If you died while saving Sai, or drowned last night, I'm sure that's how I'd feel," Neji murmured.
Ruman hiccuped as she continued to sob.
Neji tensed up as he pushed away the thought of Ruman dying or disappearing.
"I'm sorry. I don't. Mean to. Take this. Out on you," she gasped, choking on her words.
Now Neji just felt bad for upsetting Ruman so much, when she was noticeably doing better earlier.
"It's fine," Neji comforted, not knowing what else to say. "I just don't know how I can help you; I don't want you to go through this alone."
Ruman curled up into a ball as she tried to control her crying.
Neji just sat awkwardly in his chair, unsure of what to do.
"Just stay by my side," she finally said, wiping away her tears. "Sometimes it gets really tough and life itself feels meaningless, but when I see you, or Naruto, Sakura, Shikamaru, Kakashi-sensei, or anyone I care about, it gets a little easier for me to live."
"I'll stay," Neji promised immediately.
It was the least he could do.
Ruman smiled into her blankets as she rubbed her eyes.
"Man, I have to stop crying," she laughed. "I look so ugly, and my face is so puffy from crying so much that it almost hurts."
"You'll be okay," Neji reassured.
"Thanks."
The two friends sat in silence as the owls hooted outside.
It felt a bit weird to Ruman to be the one sitting in her hospital bed with Neji attending to her, since usually they swapped places; Neji was always the one who came back mildly injured from tough missions, and Ruman would bring him food or keep him company.
Although Neji knew better than to blame other people for Ruman's actions and emotions, he couldn't help but feel a bit of contempt towards Sasuke.
This had all started with him, and almost ended with him.
Neji admired how perseverant Ruman, Naruto, and Sakura were to retrieve the Uchiha, but he never imagined that he'd almost lose Ruman forever because she tried to bring Sasuke back.
On the other hand, he understood.
Ruman was a dear friend to him, and he would have gone to the same lengths for her as she, Naruto, and Sakura were going for Sasuke.
For now, he'd just have to hope she doesn't remember Sasuke any time soon, at least until she fully heals and is emotionally stable.
He wasn't sure Ruman would be able to handle the memories, simply based on where she was right now.
But he would make sure that she didn't relapse into hurting herself—Neji didn't know how Ruman managed to give herself those scars during the time he'd known her, but he swore that from now on, it wouldn't happen again.
That was the least he could do as a friend.
Author's note: Hi everyone! Sorry this chapter took me so long to publish, it was a bit hard to write (sometimes I felt like my heart was literally aching for Ruman omg). I just really wanted to emphasize the way Ruman is feeling internally, and how difficult it is to cope with what she's faced with, as well as accepting her new fate. Of course, if you or someone you know is hurting themselves, please please PLEASE get help! I wanted to depict how hurt people who love Ruman feel when they find out she was suffering alone, and how she should have reached out and relied on those who cared about her.
Anyway, please let me know what you all think! This took me quite some time, so I'd like to know what your thoughts are! Do you want to see more of Sasuke, or do you not mind the focus being mainly on Ruman? What do you think of the other character interactions? What do you like so far?
I'm going to try to aim for weekly updates, so keep your eyes peeled~ Thanks so much for the support as always!