Ding…ding…ding…
The peal of the elevator as it rang for each floor sounded like death tolls to my ears, which seemed appropriate considering what happened to Auggie. What I let happen. His face loomed before my eyes again, his form pinched with pain, and covered in sweat, shaking uncontrollably. I tried to wipe the image from my mind with another sip of my coffee, much too bitter as it scalded my tongue.
I could picture Joan's face, her steely blue-gray eyes glinting and a scowl on her lips. As the elevator doors opened I realized it wasn't a picture at all. There she was, hands on her hips, looking murderous. Averting my eyes from her icy glare I stepped out of the elevator and made my way towards her office.
"I'm surprised you remember where to go," she said, forcibly calm. The mounting clicks of our heels filled my ears. "Have you gotten any of my messages?"
"Only trying to figure out what happened—then there was a lead, and now I'm here." I shut her office door behind us, my voice devoid of conviction. I closed my eyes, desperately trying to think. There didn't seem to be enough air in the room. I opened my mouth to speak but Joan immediately cut me off.
"You went off the grid, keeping me in the dark by ignoring protocol and risking your job! Do you have any concept of the precariousness of this situation for the both of us?" Finally seeming to grasp what was happening, my body immediately reacted to Joan's demeanor, forcing every one of my tightened muscles (as if they had been bracing for impact) to go limp. Her questions kept coming, venomous and biting, but it was as if I were underwater, all the sound in the room faded as my eyes filled with tears. Joan strode around her desk, resting her palms against the table. Her face was pale with rage, though it was slowly shifting to an ultimately looking of betrayal. Grasping for the chair in front of her desk, my breaths coming in heaves, I made a motion to sit, and just sank to my knees, clutching the chair for all I was worth, shaking with sobs. I couldn't move. I couldn't think. Waves of guilt, fear, anger and utter helplessness crashed over me, and I wanted more than anything else to just let it go. I moved to look at Joan, who had crouched before me, her skirts pulled over her knees, and I rested my forehead in the soft fabric of her hem, completely spent.
This calm, determined, headstrong woman had been reduced to a child at prayer pleading to be saved from her own mistakes. The Annie that was constantly finding a way, always fighting, always trying, was completely foreign to the one I saw before me. It wasn't as if the problem in front of us could not be solved, it was just a question of how to do it. How could I let Annie continue with this internal battle, only to watch her destroy herself and the man that she loves? And I'd go with her. I could try and save us both by trying to wage this war for her, but what would that do? A soldier of one does not an effective crusade make.
Annie's cries had begun to quiet. She shut her eyes. I, biting a nervous lip, moved a lock of hair away from her face, making the dark circles under her eyes even more visible. We sat in this way for a little while, neither one of us felt the need to say a word. I almost believed Annie had drifted off to sleep she was so still. The sudden ringing of the phone jerked me from my thoughts. I picked it up quickly.
"Where's Annie?" Auggie clipped. The still form on my lap opened her eyes, her head slowly tilting back to look at the phone, her expression completely incredulous. She blinked, and suddenly reached for the phone, the color rising in her cheeks. She needed to reassure herself that he was all right. I watched her speak to him, her voice low and trembling at first, but slowly the resolve crept back into her features. She made the choice for me. But she wouldn't be alone. I'd help her achieve her repentance.