Neon Yellow

Chapter Seven: Perdition and Scars

Deanna wasn't sure she had heard the angel's response correctly in show she managed to stutter out "W-w-what?" She fell back into a chair, not really processing any of this.

"Deanna, I raised you from perdition, I have seen your soul in its purest form. I know you. I know you probably better than you can ever know yourself. There is a reason I have stuck by your side. I have seen the tortures, the pain that have plagued you through life. I have seen the determination and thirst for life that resides in you. So yes, I have known how you feel, who you really are for a very long time." Cas pulled out a chair and sat across from her. He gently took her hands in his. "You don't understand how happy it makes me that you have finally decided to live as yourself. This is a truly beautiful moment."

Deanna noted the warmth in his voice. She noted the strength of his hands. The blueness of his eyes. She felt herself blushing as she gazed into them a little too long. She never thought she could have stronger feelings for Cas. This moment proved that thought to be all wrong. She pulled herself back together. "About pulling my ass out of hell fire; you remember how I can back without any scars? Well, why are the ones from the years of self-harm still there?" She looked at him expectantly.

It was his turn to be flustered. He looked like he was struggling to figure out exactly how to phrase what he wanted to say. Finally after a few minutes he spoke in a low voice "To remind you of what you had survived and what it was like to live with that terrible secret. I didn't want to push too hard. You must forgive me if they have upset you by having to remember all this time, but at the time I didn't really understand human emotion…I was trying to help." He looked remorseful and ashamed. Deanna took her chance to comfort him.

"You didn't do anything wrong. Now that I understand the reason, I actually really appreciate the gesture. Cas, the fact you cared that much even when you didn't understand the power of human emotion. Even when you didn't know the physical form of me…that is just, just beautiful man. I am really touched…"She reached up and caressed his cheek. "God, you never cease to amaze me."

Cas reached up and held her hand and leaned into it, closing his eyes. Sam broke up the moment with a clearing of his throat. It startled Deanna, in all honesty she had forgotten he was here. "You guys obviously have a few more things to talk about…I'll let you have your space…in just a moment. Cas, you said that you saw Deanna's soul in its purest form when you raised her from hell, I wanna know if even though mine got left behind when you went for me, did you see mine?" His face was very serious, clearly Sam had an important reason for asking.

Cas looked up at him, a great sadness in his eyes. "Of course. Your soul was equally beautiful. My only wish for you is that you would forgive yourself. You haven't done anything wrong. And certainly nothing to deserve the amount of hate you direct towards yourself. You couldn't have changed it."

Sam was blinking furiously, but still his eyes had started watering. Deanna and Cas watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. He was trying so hard to swallow the lump in his throat. He was clearly failing as the tears began to win the war, he managed to stutter out "I—I'm really sorry, ex—e—excuse me" He turned and left the room quickly.

Deanna turned towards Cas. He said "I should go get him, I didn't mean to make him upset. I just thought he should know the truth." As he got up, Deanna grabbed his arm.

"Leave him, sometimes it is just better to leave a person alone. He hasn't properly grieved. He hasn't had a good cry in a long time. If you go talk to him now, he'll just be embarrassed and feel like he handle the situation wrong." She assured him. It was taking all herself discipline to follow through on it herself. She decided it would be better to distract themselves. "Sit down, have a coffee, you looked like you wanted to tell me something else earlier." She got up and poured them both a cup of black coffee. She made direct eye contact with Cas as she handed him his cup and sat down. "Well?"

Cas once again looked flustered. He took a deep breath and a sip of coffee before getting up and beginning to pace the room. Deanna had never seen him this way. He took another deep breath and began "I don't know if this might be too much to handle in one day. I don't want to pile too much on you…"He looked at Deanna. She felt the nervousness rising. She didn't know what to make of this. But she had to know, if she didn't find out the sure weight of not knowing would be crippling.

"I can handle it Cas I promise…how bad could it be?"

"Well, I hope it isn't bad at all, but I'm not really sure how'll feel about it…" He was blushing. Cas was blushing. That was something new. Deanna had never actually seen him do that before. He took yet another deep breath. "The truth is, that I love you. In all possible ways. As a friend. A mentor. But more than that I am in love with you. I want to spend forever with you Deanna. You are everything I have ever wanted. The truth is I have wanted to tell you for years. "He looked down at the floor, looking like he wanted to make himself smaller. Almost like he wanted to disappear.

Deanna didn't have the right words to say. But she didn't need them. She got up from her chair and walked over to Cas. She lifted his face and cupped it in her hands and kissed him. She kissed long and hard. She kissed him until she couldn't breathe. Then until she became so desperate for air she had to break the connection. He had no idea how long she had been waiting to do that. Her heart beating desperately fast in her chest. She said "I've been waiting to hear it." They turned towards the door to see Sam with a look of smugness. She swear she heard him say "I fucking knew it." She smiled. So did Sam.