The Edge

Chapter Seven

Logan was tired of being in his room. Ever since he'd arrived at his parent's home, he hadn't felt like seeing anyone or answering questions about why he was back and the others were not. This was not exactly how he pictured his homecoming. He thought if he put distance between himself and "that guy", it would be out of sight, out of mind. It hadn't worked out that way.

He'd tried to take a walk to clear his head but this was a neighborhood full of memories. Everywhere he walked he saw things that reminded him of Kendall. He had tried so hard not to walk in front of his friend's old house, but failed. Once there, he saw the old tree that he'd climbed to Kendall's room a thousand times. In the park, the swings, the slide, and even the sandbox took him back to places in his mind that made him happy and so very sad at the same time. The final straw was when he caught a glimpse of the ice rink. Unwilling to endure more pain, he'd given up and went back home. At the moment, he was trying to keep his mind occupied by reading a book. He'd read the same page at least three times and still didn't know what it said.

"Get a grip, Logan," he mumbled to himself. This can't be all there is. Is this how I'm going to feel until I die? I don't know if I can take it! He shook his head trying to clear his thoughts. He tried to read the same page again, and actually comprehended its contents, when someone decided it was the perfect time to disturb him. Oh that's just freaking perfect! He'd have to answer the door since both his parents were working. They'd been pretty good about letting people know that he was "feeling under the weather" and that he'd call them when he was better. He appreciated that. Logan got up, walked to the door, and looked through the peephole.

It was like exhaling every bit of air in his lungs all at once. The gasp that escaped him seemed to echo from everywhere. Oh my God, Kendall! His mind raced trying to grasp onto something that he could understand and make sense of. This definitely did not qualify. Kendall! He took a couple of steps away from the door.

There was another, louder knock. It made Logan jump. What should I do? I don't think I can answer the door! What will I say? He tried to breathe normally. Closing his eyes, he contemplated all the reasons why he should face his friend at this exact moment. He left L.A. to put space between them and hopefully, when things between them stopped being weird, get back the friendship they once had. Still, that was the best-case scenario. The worst case was not seeing or speaking to Kendall ever again. He'd made a decision in Hollywood, though, and he intended to see it through no matter what it took. He'd just have to make Kendall understand that this was for the best. He had his life in L.A. and he'd make a life of his own here. Taking a couple of deep breaths, he decided to open the door.

He opened the door and they immediately locked eyes on each other. Kendall looked a bit nervous but anxious to have his say. He was determined to have his friend back and working with him again. Logan was set on telling his friend that he understood he wasn't interested in him but that they had to move on with their lives apart – for now. Both secretly hoped that each was at least a little happy to see the other.

Kendall entered the room silently and slowly made his way to the couch. It felt good being in his best friend's house again. He remembered many good times happening in this room, this house. He would have to draw on this energy if he had any hope of taking Logan back with him. He sat down without being asked and waited for Logan to join him.

Logan sat in the chair opposite Kendall and waited for his childhood friend to say something.

"How're your parents?" Kendall asked nervously but trying to maintain his composure.

"They're fine."

"How've you been? Have you talked to any of our old school friends and stuff?"

"Not really. I've kinda been a loner since I arrived."

"Ah. That's cool. So – so - it looks like it's been raining a little. On the way from the airport, I saw puddles and…"

Logan's quizzical look changed into one of disbelief. "Wait a sec. You're actually talking to me about the rain? Are you serious?"

There was an awkward silence as Kendall heard his own words and decided that they were indeed lame. So lame!

"I – I – You're right. I'm sorry but it's just – I'm just…"

"What is it, Kendall? You know what? It doesn't matter. I'm actually glad that you came to see me. I have something to tell you, a decision I've made that will make things between us more normal, like before. I mean, eventually we can, maybe, have our old relationship back. I just don't know if we can do it if we see each other every day, day in and day out, at work and in our down time. It would be very frustrating and painful for me, at least for right now."

Kendall didn't like where this was heading. He felt Logan slipping away from him. Without thinking, he blurted out, "Gustavo is trying to replace you! He's holding auditions for someone to take your place. You need to come back with me and tell him that you made a huge mistake and that you want back in to BTR. The group needs you. It hasn't been the same without you there. The guys miss you. Kelly and even Gustavo miss you."

Logan looked at Kendall and raised an eyebrow.

"Kendall, you know that the reasons I left L.A. still exist. Besides, I gave Gustavo my resignation and he is free to do what he needs to do to keep BTR going. I still want you guys to be as successful as you can possibly be but just without me." Logan felt a tug in his heart knowing that his friends would go on to bigger things without him. He would miss out on all the new experiences that come with celebrity and fame and money. Still, there were more important things going on right now. I mustn't lose sight of that!

Kendall realized that appealing to Logan on behalf of the group wasn't going to work. He'd have to tell him the truth. He was planning on telling him after he had brought him back with him but now he couldn't wait. Logan deserved to hear it now. Just go for it! You're out of time.

"And - and I miss you, too. I miss my best bud being with me. Come back with me. There is no way that I can let you go like this. Not like this with this thing hanging between us."

Logan looked deeply into Kendall's radiant green eyes. "This thing, Kendall? You mean how I feel about you? You mean this thing where I still love you? This thing where I can't stop thinking about you every moment of every day? Is that what you're talking about?" Logan's emotions were threatening to take over.

Kendall's eyes softened as he heard the pain in his best boy's voice. He knew that he was responsible for his misery. I'm so sorry, Logan. If only I knew then what I know now… That was it. Kendall knew what he had to say.

"Lo, since you left, some things have changed. I know things about myself now that I didn't know even a few short days ago." Kendall reached over to his friend and took his hand in both of his own. He gave his friend a weak, nervous smile. This is what he must have felt like when he told me about his feelings toward me. Nerve wracking!

Logan looked down in disbelief as he felt Kendall's warm, soft hands envelope his. Has something changed in Kendall or am I just projecting what I want him to feel? What's his game? I'm confused! "Kendall, - "

"Wait, Logan. Just let me say this or I may never be able to get it out and I need to tell you something important!"

Logan nodded imperceptibly but Kendall caught it. He noticed everything about him now. He was hypersensitive to him and it felt both scary and exciting at the same time. He looked deeply into those innocent, deep, brown eyes and continued.

"When you told me how you felt, I did freak out. We'd been friends for forever and I couldn't see passed that. It never occurred to me that there could be other possibilities for us. My brain couldn't wrap itself around it. But I – but now - "

"But now?" The light in Logan's eyes briefly reappeared. Kendall noticed the minute change in his buddy and gathered strength from it, ready to go on. Kendall sighed and hoped that what he was about to tell Logan wouldn't hurt him too much – too much more.

"A couple of days ago, when I was in pain and confused about us, I had an unusual encounter with Guitar Dude. He told me his philosophy about relationships and karma and being open to different possibilities. He's a pretty complex dude, actually, and a pretty good guy. But, in the middle of our talk, he told me that he's been with guys as well as girls. I was surprised, but not shocked. What did shock me a little was – was when he – he…" Kendall swallowed hard. Please understand, Lo! Please!

"What, Kendall? What happened?" Logan felt the sweat from Kendall's hands on his. He was worried about what he would say to him next. He could feel his friend's anxiety. Softly, he said, "Tell me."

"Well, we were both high and he decided to – to kiss me. He said he saw something deep in me and that's something that he is attracted to. And the thing is, Lo, that I was taken aback at first. I decided, though, that I would go with the flow, too. The thing is, I kissed him back. I kissed him back because I wanted to, because it felt good."

The look of hurt and disbelief on Logan's face made Kendall wince and bite his lower lip. He hadn't wanted to hurt his friend but he had to be honest with him if this was going to work out. Honesty had to be the cornerstone of whatever they built together. But now it was Kendall's heart that sank when he felt Logan slowly remove his hand from his.

"You kissed him?" Logan's misty eyes betrayed his hurt, confusion, and perceived betrayal. "You really kissed him?" Logan's mind raced. Why him and not me, Kendall? I don't understand! I'm the one who loves you. I'm the one who would've done anything to be with you! I'm the one who appreciates everything that you are, as is. I was right in front of you! Why not me? Why wasn't it me?

As if reading his mind, Kendall said, "Lo, that's something that I couldn't do with you at the time. I was still freaking out about you and trying to think of a way to keep you in my life but at a distance, if that makes any sense. But Guitar Dude let me glimpse a side of me that I'd never even let myself imagine or explore. What he said about you made more sense to me. Maybe if I would've been more honest with myself, we could have avoided all this – drama."

"What're you saying, Kendall? Are you trying to tell me that this thing with Guitar Dude is a good thing for us?" He looked into Kendall's eyes and, in the faintest of whispers, asked, "Did you and he do anything else together?" He averted his eyes and held his breath waiting for Kendall to answer.

"No, Logie. Nothing else happened, I swear!" Kendall heard Logan exhale.

"Then, why couldn't it have been me? Am I not good enough for you? Do I look horrible? Haven't I been there for you any time you needed me?" He paused and swallowed hard. "Do you have feelings for him?"

"No, Logie, I don't. You have to try to understand. I couldn't have a physical relationship with you because I didn't know that I could think about us like that. And even if I'd wanted to experiment or explore or whatever you want to call it, there was no way that I would risk our friendship. What if it didn't work out or if we ended up resenting each other or being ashamed of what we did? You are way too important to risk. I can't see passed you when I try to picture the future. You're always there. I didn't want to risk that. Please try and understand. I was scared, too. This was all new to me. It still is! Guitar Dude just helped me shift my focus, widen my horizons. That's why I'm here, Logan. I want you to come back with me so we can figure out what we should do – together."

Logan sensed that what Kendall said was true and that he believed it. Relieved that nothing sexual happened between Kendall and Guitar Dude, he felt his tension level drop. He was still upset that Kendall had turned to someone else, but touched that he cared so much about their friendship that he hadn't wanted to put it in jeopardy. And he could understand Kendall's confusion and hurt. He'd felt the same way for the last few days, too.

"Kendall, I'm so touched that you came all this way to tell me all this. I am so happy for your personal growth and the new insights you have into yourself. And I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't miss everyone in L.A. I'm tempted to go back. I really am. But – "

No, Logie. Don't say "but"! Kendall reached out to Logan but he stood, avoiding his touch, and walked to the middle of the room to face him, arms crossed.

"Kendall, there is no way that I could return and pretend that everything between us is okay. I – I love you! To me, there are no ''and's'', ''if's'', or ''but's'' about it. There is no way I could hide my feelings for you day in and day out. I can't live my life pretending all the time. It would be like lying to everyone we know every minute of every day. That's not fair to either one of us or to them. Can't you see that it's for the best if we – we just see each other, like, on Christmas and send the odd birthday card now and again? I want you and the guys to succeed. Go make your dreams come true. I'll be your biggest cheerleader, I promise. But you still need to go. You – you should go now." Logan had to wipe a tear with his sleeve. He was trying so hard to maintain while looking at his closest friend's pleading eyes. Go now, please! This is killing me!

The urgency overcame Kendall's composure. He was not about to let Logan slip away. He felt his own eyes getting wet in spite of him willing the tears away. "Please, Logie! We can make this work. If anyone can, it's us – it's you! Look!" Kendall leaned forward on his sofa and pulled something out of his back pocket. It was a little wrinkled and he tried to smooth it out before handing it to Logan. "Remember this?"

Logan haltingly made his way to Kendall and took what was being offered to him. He remembered this picture. They'd had a blast and a half that day. It had been great fun spending the entire day alone together just being stupid and silly. He realized that this might have been the day when he'd seen Kendall in a different light. He smiled sadly while staring at the photo trying to remember every last detail before handing it back to Kendall.

"What are you trying to say? I know that we were great friends. We still are, but I want more. Even if I went back, can you guarantee that we would work out? Can you tell me with certainty that nothing would change in our careers or between our friendships with the other guys, our families, our colleagues?"

"Nothing is ever guaranteed, Lo, but I think we should give it a try. The important thing to me is that we take the journey together. If you don't want to go to L.A., then that's okay. I'll quit BTR, too. We can make our own life together somewhere else, far away, if we want. We can do this, I promise. Don't let it end like this. Please!"

The emotion in his voice surprised them both. He'd never spoken from this part of his heart before. He wasn't used to the depth of raw emotion coursing through him all at once. But it was Logan! Why didn't I see this before? Kendall stood up but promptly went down on his knees.

"Do you want me to beg? This is me begging. Please, Logan, come back with me. I don't want to do BTR without you. I don't want to live my daily life without you. And I don't want this opportunity between you and me to go away without us fully taking advantage of it. I want, no, I need to see where it leads us. Please, Logie? I'm sorry I was so stupid and blind. Forgive me. I was an idiot! Please, please come home!" Kendall bowed his head.

Logan's heart was breaking as he watched his friend kneeling in front of him begging to be forgiven, pleading for him to go back. The tone in Kendall's voice told him that this apology was heartfelt and true. He walked to where he was and took Kendall's bowed head in his hands, his fingers getting lost in his tousled blond hair. Kendall rested his head on Logan's tummy and gently put his arms loosely around Logan's legs. After cradling his head a few moments longer, Logan knelt in front of him. Ever so slowly, he raised his hand to Kendall's chin and lifted his face to him. Kendall had been quietly sobbing and tears were falling from his eyes.

"Oh, Kendall," Logan cooed as he wiped the tears from his friend's face. They looked into each other's eyes and became mesmerized. Logan put both his hands on either side of Kendall's face and gently pulled him closer. He licked his own lips and paused. If you want to pull away, do it now!

The kiss was small and tentative but sweet. Logan opened his eyes and looked at Kendall whose smile was all the permission he needed. He kissed him again and felt Kendall kiss him back, passionately and deeply. Their arms pulled each other closer, refusing to let each other go.

Breathing hard, Kendall whispered to his soul mate, "I'm not leaving without you, Lo. Give It Up!" He kissed him again gently on his forehead then quietly spoke into his ear. "Take me upstairs, Logie." I want to see what it means to love – to love you!

Logan silently stood and pulled Kendall up with him. Still holding his hand, he led him up the stairs to his bedroom. Kendall entered the room and sat on the bed. As Logan closed his bedroom door, Kendall stretched out his arms to his new love wanting to hold him again. Logan melted into them and felt that he had gone to heaven, happy to know that it really did exist. He gave Kendall many soft little kisses all over his face before being pulled tightly against his body. Kendall flipped him on his back until he was on top, looking into Logan's sweet, dark eyes. They looked alive once again and it made Kendall's spirit fly. My Logie!

"I – I love you." Kendall felt it. He really and truly felt it now. "My Logie. My Baby!" he sighed, moving closer to Logan's lips. They kissed again deeply knowing where this would lead them. Their bodies would not be denied.

That afternoon, they proved themselves to each other with an all consuming, frenzied passion.