Disclaimer: Nope...
and I owe it all to you: six
Rachel stood in the middle of the empty auditorium, exactly center-stage, dimly lit with tinted blue lights, which seemed to make her feel colder than she had been in the freezing air, in just her skirts and thin tights; the wall of numbness that she had perfected and built for the last weeks – no, the last months – was slowly slipping away, like melting snow under bright burning sun as she reflected her tumultuous last few days.
Santana's harsh revelation of Finn's virginity-related lies, the less than perfect performance at Sectionals, their tied win… Noah's warm lips on her own (Strange that even for a second, she wished the lips kissing hers had belonged to another boy, were his lips to be exact. She'd wished that another pair of hands had been running over her body, through her hair, as she would run her fingers through his curls. It was only for a second, but it had been there, tearing a new one in her heart), skilled digits sliding up her torn skin… Her coming clean to Finn about her moment of weakness with Noah, and the shocking aftermath, his quick breakup with her…
Rachel lowered her head, struggling hard to prevent herself from crying.
Why was it so easy for people to move on from her? Had she been nothing but an acting exercise, rebound, distraction and warm body to any of them?
He showed no emotion whatsoever during regionals, celebrating her shameful defeat by hugging her mother tight. Finn was slowly putting the moves on Santana (Though she seemed to be rebuffing his advances). Noah was busy romancing Lauren if rumors had it right. Her three boyfriends didn't seem to go through the same heartache she did post their own respective breakups. Rachel's fingers glazed over her bare arms as she thought, wished that one of them, anyone of them had shown some emotion in losing her, made her feel like she had been something whose loss meant heartbreak and self-disappointment.
If she was honest to herself, the one breakup that hurt the most was with him. (She still couldn't make herself say his name. It hurt too much, even after so many time past) He was her soul-mate, the one person who she believed would understand her no matter what. They were made of the same stuff, dreams, ambition, talent, drive and beauty.
Sighing and shifting in her stool (and smiling slightly at the bolt of pain shooting from her cut-up thighs), she opened up her lips and sang.
Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you
Her mind flashed from memories of him to memories of Finn and memories of Noah as she tucked a piece of her wavy hair behind her ear, her voice growing stronger and more emotional with each verse.
Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you
A bitter smile curved her lips as she imagined her fellow glee clubbers celebrating the holidays, surrounded by family and loved ones. Tina's and Mike's families would get together; Artie would spend Christmas Eve with Brittany's family and Christmas Day the Pierces would join the Abrams for lunch. Santana and Mercedes would go to the Hudson-Hummel residence for Christmas day after spending the Eve with their respective families. Quinn and Sam had been busy meshing his family traditions with her mother's decision to watch Christmas Mass on their church.
She and Noah, as the only Jews in the group (she smiled slightly as she recalled how he quoted Willow Rosenberg from 'Buffy' by saying, "Not everyone worships Santa"), would get together every night of Hanukkah, but after praying and eating he would certainly leave to his own devices. And she would be left alone, as always.
Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
She wondered what he would do during winter break. Would he come back to Ohio, would he join his parents on their usual trip to Bali to escape the merciless and cold white Ohioan Christmas, would he skip both altogether and rather stay in California enjoying the balmy weather and frolicking with his new, skinny, busty, blonde hookups?
(Her fists clenched involuntarily as she imagined a taller, more tanned and athletic version of Quinn Fabray all wrapped up around him. Her long nails broke into her skin, the prickling pain going unnoticed by her)
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
She had so much she wanted to say. So many things that she locked in her heart, unspoken because of her crippling fear that Kurt and the other would be proved right, the same fear that led her to triplecast him, Finn and Noah in her 'Run Joey Run' video. She took a deep, calming breath as she remembered that it had been his trip to spring break in San Diego, which left her behind brokenhearted, terrified and crushed by indescribable pain, what led her to start her close alliance with her cutting objects.
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
She wished he was there with her. The strong, fearless young girl she was before that fateful week wished desperately for her other half to be around her during this joyful time. But he had made the decision to leave, to crack that egg into her head, to leave her behind to deal with the extreme pain their sudden and unexplainable breakup filled her. And deal she did, the only ways she knew how.
By slashing her creamy skin open and pretending everything was fine and well in the life of Rachel Berry, hiding her shattered heart behind the façade of a happy and fulfilling relationship with Finn Hudson. All the while denying that she still longed for the one boy that gave her heaven, before shoving her into hell.
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say
That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you
I wish I were with you
She stood slowly, secretly smiling from the stabs of pain from her thighs and began to walk off the stage, her footsteps echoing as she went. She reached the light box in the wings, pressing the main off button, the lights clicking loudly and fading down before she left the auditorium, and her broken self behind. Time for the numbness to fill her up once more.
It was a harsh difference, the weather of California from the one in Ohio. It had felt awkward and embarrassing, to hop in his flight with a thick, woolly coat hanging by his arm, tourists either smirking condescendingly at him or staring at him like he was crazy. Because, who would leave the perfect, crispy, warm December in Los Angeles to go some place where a thick wool jacket would be needed?
Jesse almost backed off. But then memories of the broken shell of the girl he fell in love with earlier this year filled his mind, and he knew he couldn't do it. Rachel needed him, and he was sure with that with a certainty he could feel into his bones. He still doubted Satan had been right on her assessment of the situation, but he knew something was very, very wrong with the love of his life.
He slid the jacket on as the plane touched ground softly, a deep sigh of satisfaction leaving his lips. Rising from his seat, he picked up his messenger bag, the softness of the battered Care Bear Rachel had won for him after their Wiggles concert date hitting against the side of his body. A small smile curved his lips as he softly patted the toy hidden inside his bag, and he navigated the small sea of tired travelers to reach the exit. Breathing in the icy Columbus air, he allowed a small seed of hope to take home into his heart.
He was home. His transference papers to the Akron campus of Ohio State had been filled and sent to his new school; his new spot as Vocal Adrenaline assistant coach just waiting for him to fill it. Most importantly, however, was the empty position of lead singer of his former show choir. Goolsby had sent him some videos of the joke of a lead female VA had and, while the Filipina could sing quite decently, she was no him and definitely no Rachel Berry.
Jesse would make sure Rachel came home. Vocal Adrenaline would be her home. The limitlessly talented only daughter of Shelby Corcoran (he refused to acknowledge the baby Shelby was raising as her daughter) would start a new era in VA, the era of a queen, a gentle, big-hearted queen who was ruthless when it came to her spotlight. And VA, and Carmel, would reply in kind, reverencing, worshipping and adoring Rachel the way she deserved to be reverenced, worshipped and adored.
And he would be by her side, her leading man, redeemed from past mistakes by his hand on helping her get back on her track to the inevitable fate that waited for her. In Carmel, their love story would be for the ages, cherished, envied and swooned over.
He was home. And he would make sure Rachel made Carmel her home, and Vocal Adrenaline her undisputed kingdom.